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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Abortion trauma

61 replies

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 17:10

I feel wrong and ashamed for putting this inbetween stories of genuine losses, but I had an abortion 18 months ago and its left me very traumatised. Ive tried commiting suicide (not cries for help) a few times (took too little, then too much and just threw up for 24 hours), and have been on medication (ADs, sleeping pills, diazepam) until I became pregnant again ,and have gone onto beta blockers now because im breastfeeding. I have seen a physchiatrist and pyschologist (cant spell!) but they brushed it aside and diagnosed me with PND (which was an insult really). This was about 5 months after the abortion. I spent about £1000 on seeing them to do silly breathing exercises for the panic attacks I was getting. They said Id done the right thing (i was 18- the only reason I can think of) and said I shouldnt get pregnant. I also have trouble sleeping with my partner and the psychiatrist said he'd leave me without sex! Because of this ive never seeked anymore help - nothing is going to change what I did and most days I really cant cope with it. Last night I flipped again and just walked out the door and sat in a field until about midnight hoping id be murdered or something. I really cant get over it.

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Report

CarlyP · 24/07/2006 17:19

call the samaritans..........call someone, tell them, you need to be taken seriously.

get to your dr asap.........

please get help.

cx

liquidclocks · 24/07/2006 17:42

Quootiepie please don't feel ashamed for posting this at all. I lost a baby 3 yrs ago and felt for ages that it was wrong to feel sad because I'd wished I wasn't pg - I felt too young. Choosing to have an abortion is a complex decision and I'm sure you had your reasons, it's not something you just go out and do.

Personally I'd like to shoot your psychiatrist, he should be struck off for saying something like that - I would be.

Are you still with your partner, is he supportive of you and does he know how you feel?

Do you think you need professional help or do you think it's more that you just need to talk about how you feel and try and move on?

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 17:56

Hiya...
I got desperate about 4 months ago and emailed samaritains but it didnt seem to help. Went to GP and got put on beta- blockers a week ago, as i stopped medication when i became pregnant. I am too scared to let on the extent of my condition incase they take my son away. Partner knows how i feel but left me the day after abortion, 4 months later we got back together and its been hard excepting it. I really cant move on...

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quootiepie · 24/07/2006 18:00

i went via the NHS aswell to see a psychiatrist but even though i was very suicidal, the wait was about 3 weeks, and even then they werent sure i fitted the criteria (??)

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liquidclocks · 24/07/2006 19:07

Sorry for silence, had to make tea etc. Did your doctor explain that beta blockers can take a bit of time to work so do carry on with them as they might help. Am I reading correctly that the partner your with now and have a baby with is the same man? Also how old is you baby, having a LO is so difficult anyway, I'm not surprised you're feeling overwhelmed with it all.

I got pg immediately after losing my first and I felt so guilty that it stopped me from being happy about the pg and later on even more guilty that I could ever have wished not to be pg. I know it's not at all the same situation but I guess I'm trying to say that I understand that you must have loads of conflicting emotions right now.

Have you managed to feel like you've bonded with your new baby at all?

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 19:14

Hiya - Its the same partner, and ive bonded with my baby fine... almost overly bonded, but I guess thats not a bad thing. Baby is 4 months... the only thing thats stopped me going completely mad is the fact that without aborting the first baby, I wouldnt have my son now... baby was due in August, I got pregnant in June. I just feel so so so so so so so so angry at myself. And I cant greive as I feel I have no right.

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quootiepie · 24/07/2006 19:18

GP didnt explain about beta blockers taking time... I guess its kinda psychological aswell taking pills. Theres not much else I can take while breastfeeding, I had 2 diazepams one night as it was kinda an emergency.

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Greensleeves · 24/07/2006 19:20

I'm so sorry you've had rotten advice and poor treatment from the psychiatrist .

I don't have experience of this so can't say much to help - but I couldn't read this without saying emphatically - you have every right to grieve.

You sound very sad, and I'm not surprised. I hope you can get the support you need to find a way to make peace with what's happened.

Keep posting - there's no need to feel wrong or ashamed here. xx

liquidclocks · 24/07/2006 19:33

Practical thing to say first -when DS was 4 months old I didn't feel like sex either! And that's just with dealing with a young baby, body still getting back to normal (as if it ever will), general overtiredness and exhaustion. You're feeling pretty depressed as well so I'm not surprised you don't feel 'up for it'.

Just trying to figure out from your post too - you must only be 20/21?

When you had your abortion was it your decision or did DP play a part in it?

I really think you should give yourself permission to grieve. There must have been legitimate reasons for you to do what you did. Or have you now decided your reasons weren't good enough?

I am sorry if I'm asking too many questions. If it's really not helping tell me to shut up.

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 19:55

hiya... im just 20 now. partner (now husband) wanted me to have an abortion (well, he didnt want me to be pregnant), and I didnt want his parents to think I got pregnant to bind him (they HATE me), so I tried to please everyone. It isnt after the birth I havent felt like sex, its been forever. I saw the psychiatrist before I got pregnant (stopped when I got pregnant because I was scared she'd find out). There was no real reason for it - just being scared of his parents mainly, and money aswell as I was sacked for taking time off (morning sickness). Thats why its so awful.

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Tommy · 24/07/2006 20:04

so sorry to read this.
Have you tried an agency like this?
I don't know anything about them but just found it through Google. It may help talking to people who are specifically trained and experienced in your particular problems.
HTH

bluejelly · 24/07/2006 20:05

Oh you poor thing. You did what you did in the circumstances and really have no reason to feel guilty (I appreciate that might not help )
A lot of people who are fed up with 'conventional' psychiatrists find CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy really useful when dealing with negative thought patterns. Usually a short course (i think 16 weeks is the norm) and it has excellent results for many people. Worked a treat on my ex who had terrible depression and sucidal feelings.
you can get it on the NHS. Good luck

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 20:16

hiya... i contacted careconfidential and am just plucking up the courage to book an appointment to see someone. I tried CBT (which was the breathing stuff I was taught) and it really didnt help me Only being drugged up to my eyeballs seems to help.

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liquidclocks · 24/07/2006 20:19

Oh quootiepie, it sounds like it wan't even completely your decision- and to split up with you partner so soon afterwards, you must have felt so unsupported. Were you able to tell any of your RL friends what happened?

You really need to grieve for your baby, it was a victim of circumstance. If you'd been happily married at age 30 this wouldn't have happened. My DH and his GF had an abortion when they were 18, he's now 36 and still feels very sad about it. Do you feel angry because you did it or angry at the people around you for making you feel like you had to? Either way I'd say it's OK to be mad, at yourself or them - just don't let that make you feel like it invalidates your right to grieve.

I agree with bluejelly btw, I think a CBT therapist is much more effective than a psychiatrist. The other kinds of thera pists I have a lot of respect for are solution-focused therapists and NLP (neuro linguistic programming) therapists, though you'd be unlikely to get those two on the NHS. All 3 types focus on dealing with th issue, your thought patterns around itand how to start thinking more positively. Sorry, I don't want to sound like a know it all btw, just that both me and DH (OTs) have both worked in psychiatry and I've been depressed in te past -it was solution focussed therapy that helped me.

liquidclocks · 24/07/2006 20:26

Sorry, I cross posted with you. If all your CBT therapist did was the breathing then they weren't really doing their job properly.

Have you done anything to try and symbolise how sad you feel about your baby? I realised I needed to do this and I have chosen a quiet spot near to where I live, I go there sometimes to remember how sad it was. It was helpful because I felt like it shouldn't be forgotten, I also bought a ring that tbh I never wear but I keep it with the scan pictures. I know this may not work for everyone but it helped me.

liquidclocks · 24/07/2006 20:31

The care confidential site looks worth pursuing, I hope you can find the courage to ring them.

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 20:34

hiya... My husband bought me a birthstone necklace on mothers day of the babys would-be birthstone, but I feel sick if I wear it. Im too ashamed to tell anyone about it, and all I keep thinking is no amount of talking is going to change to situation. The only way I can see an end to me thinking about it is to lose my memory, or to just not be here.

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quootiepie · 24/07/2006 20:36

I might get husband to ring them tomorrow.. I left the details on a peice of paper a week or so ago in the kitchen hoping he'd read it and ask me about it, but he didnt see it. Its hard to meantion it.

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quootiepie · 24/07/2006 20:39

I feel angry at myself because id never have thought id have an abortion, and at husband and his family for making me feel I had to do it... and for nothing. I actually asked GP about adoption and he said they'd talk about it at hospital, but they didnt, they just scanned me and booked me in. All I wanted was for someone to question it and give me a choice.

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liquidclocks · 24/07/2006 21:07

No-one sets out to have an abortion quootie, it's unplanned, that's the point. Have you ever brought up the subject with DH? He must have realised you left the house last night - was he not worried about you? Have you considered changing your GP, sounds like s/he just cops out of whatever you ask for and just refers you on so s/he doesn't have to deal with it.

I thought my DH knew how I felt but when it all came out I realised that he didn't, and that actually I hadn't really understood how he felt either - I think it's quite easy to make assumptions. He may have seen that bit of paper you left out but not felt able to bring the subject up with you,hecould be scared that he'll make you more upset, especially if he feels guilty that he in part made you do it.

By buying the birthstone for you at least it means he has thought about it. Like you I couldn't wear it but perhaps keeping it and knowing it's there and the baby is not forgotten is important?

I don't think talking about something can change what happened, you're right, but it can change how you think and feel about something that happened. Think of something embarrasing that happened when you were young, bet you felt terrible at the time but now you can look back and laugh at yourself. The aim of talking about this would be to one day just look back and feel sad (oone can take that away), but you won't feel the overwhelming anger, guilt or feeling of not wanting to live like you do at the moment.

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 21:24

My husband and I have talked about it ,but he gets upset and I hate to see him upset. He realised id gone last night, but presumed id come back... which I did.

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quootiepie · 24/07/2006 21:26

when i talk about it im a million times worse and i really cant cope.

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quootiepie · 24/07/2006 21:26

when i talk about it im a million times worse and i really cant cope.

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liquidclocks · 24/07/2006 21:28

I know it's awful seeing DH upset, and for him to see you upset, but it could be part of the process - it sounds like you really need some support and a huge hug, and he needs to know that - he's your DH! Marriage is a friendship above everything else and you'll have opportunities to support him in the future, get him to support you now.

Please contact that agency first thing tomorrow, you need something to help you, and you DO deserve that help.

shatteredmumsrus · 24/07/2006 21:31

i have no experience in this but all i can advise is that yu need to push for help and someone to talk to.its not fair to do this on your own

hope evrything works out for you
x

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