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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Don't really want to go to this funeral

62 replies

joanne77 · 12/08/2011 17:05

Both my parents died when they were quite young (mother was 50, dad was 60). I was a teenager when my mum died. Particularly as result of mother's death I had a lot of psycological problems/ depression/ anxiety etc. Now I am older I feel that death of parents at our age e.g. 40 plus is to be expected. The parents are often 70 plus, most nearer 80.

I find funerals difficult, I am not very good at out pourings of emotion - my own or other people's. I have a very pragmatic view of death and I am also not very good at empathising with people who have lost loved ones who are old.

Now Dh's dad has just recently died quite suddenly. His mother is very upset as are his siblings. The funeral is iminent. I really do not want to go as I am concerned that my forthright opinions will cause upset and I will be hopelessly bad at dealing with everyone else being upset. The funeral is a long way away, our DD is quite young and we both think she shouldn't go but a very good friend has offered to have her for the two days it will take to get to and go to the funeral.

I would rather stay at home with DD but am worried that not going will upset DH & the rest of the family.

What should I do? Am I being selfish or would it be better for me to keep out of it to avoid the risk of making an insensitive comment.

OP posts:

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Folky · 12/08/2011 17:11

Whooa man - sorry that you lost your parents so young - that is truly shitty.

What sort of inappropriate comment are you likely to make?? In all honesty are you going to stand there and start ranting that he died when he was old enough and at 70 ish (or whatever) his time was up? Because if so then you definitely shouldn't go as you will upset everyone. My grandad died last year - he was 84 - i'm pretty sure i would have slapped you had you said anything along those lines at his funeral.

Do you have any empathy at all for his wife of many years and his children? If not - yes, best stay away.....

Theyremybiscuits · 12/08/2011 17:12

I don't think you are being selfish, though I don't think it is much to ask for you to keep your mouth shut just for one day.

Someone has died.
People love them and will miss them.
They will mourn.

Your opinion means nothing.

That is not meant to be harsh, and I am speaking as someone who lost her mum young.

I am sorry.

Folky · 12/08/2011 17:13

There is a world of difference between having forthright opinions and being a totally unfeeling cow.

Theyremybiscuits · 12/08/2011 17:14

And if you came out with a comment that you are implying you might do, at a funeral I was at....well you would pretty sharpish shut up or be removed!

Ungratefulchild · 12/08/2011 17:29

Surely you would be going to the funeral primarily to support your husband? I understand that you may not like funerals and may even feel that your fil was lucky to have enjoyed a long life but that doesn't man that its not sad that he died, or that people shouldn't be upset.

joanne77 · 12/08/2011 17:32

I think the thing about inappropriate comments is that I can't judge what is inappropriate in this context because although I feel sorry for DH, I don't feel very sad about his dad dying. I hardly knew his dad and as everyone else will be there I can't see how much extra my presence will add.

On the other hand I am worried that my attitude to death is much "harder" than everyone elses and so there is a risk that I could upset someone. If I just go along and say nothing for two whole days that might look a bit odd.

I'd rather spend time with DD, who is upset and would be palmed off with a friend otherwise.

OP posts:

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 12/08/2011 17:34

Yes I think you are being selfish. My dad died last year he was 68 but I guess that's ok isn't it.

I feel very sorry for you, not just because you have lost your parents so year but that it has messed you up so much that you cannot have empathy for others in a similar position.

You should be there to support your dh, it's not about you.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 12/08/2011 17:35

young not year

piratecat · 12/08/2011 17:36

i don't really get you, but tbh, i wouldn't want you there. does your dh understand your reasons for not going.

carpetlover · 12/08/2011 17:36

Isn't the OP saying she's more worried about not saying anything rather than saying anything because she sees getting to 70 as pretty good?

wahwahwah · 12/08/2011 17:37

Be there for your DH - its not about you. I blub at funerals (lost both my prarents too young too - though not as young as you) but I remember how awful they are for the closest members of the family.

MillontheFloss · 12/08/2011 17:38

I have had family members die too young but surely when someone as close to your partner as their father dies you forget about yourself for a while. As Ungratefulchild said, your role in this is primarily one of support.

Not going would be quite rightly frowned upon. It doesn't matter whether someone dies at 20, 50 or 80, it's someone's loved one. Obvously, it's a tragedy when someone dies too soon but it's never exactly easy or something to be brushed aside.

carpetlover · 12/08/2011 17:41

I lost both my parents in their 50s. It does mess you up a little and it does make you think anything later is amazing. For instance, a friend lost her mother last year. Her mother was 70 and my friend was naturally very upset as she saw her mother as dying young. I could only think how lucky she had been that her mother saw her get married and was there when her kids were young. I'm not at all a selfish friend but I couldn't help it. But I certainly didn't say those things to my friend. I offered sympathy where I could.

I think it was different when my FIL and MIL died as I went primarily to support my DH.

joanne77 · 12/08/2011 17:44

I haven't said anything to DH about this yet. He knows how I feel about people dying generally.

I guess I feel that he will be better supported by family who will understand better how he feels than me who is finding it a bit hard. My siblings and I are quite bad at empathising generally - we tend to just make jokes and get drunk when people die. I think we all understand that this is our way of dealing with it but I don't think it will go down very well with DH family.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/08/2011 17:44

Surely you want to go to support your DH? He's lost his dad. He's hurting. If you love him, surely you want to be there to help him get through a very difficult day? This isn't about you. You won't say anything inappropriate if you think first.

MillontheFloss · 12/08/2011 17:45

But yes, I know what you (and carpetlover) mean about becoming hardened to death in a way. I think I had been to ten funerals by the time I was 21 and began to take them in my stride. Just see your role as support. You don't have to feel bad about not crying. Some people cry at the drop of a hat and it takes loads to make other shed a tear.

MillontheFloss · 12/08/2011 17:46

most of those funerals were 'oldies' btw!

joanne77 · 12/08/2011 17:48

I understand what you mean about supporting DH but what about my DD? She has lost her grandfather.

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Ungratefulchild · 12/08/2011 17:51

You'll probably do better than you think joanne77. Maybe you should ask him if he wants you there?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/08/2011 17:52

How old is your DD?

Ungratefulchild · 12/08/2011 17:52

How old is your dd?

Ungratefulchild · 12/08/2011 17:54

I'm only asking because I kind of think that if she is old enough to be upset and need support about the death of her grandad she probably is old enough to go to the funeral?

joanne77 · 12/08/2011 19:02

I think being upset about loss of a grandparent and being ready to go to a funeral are quite different. It will be a very traditional funeral in church with readings, there will be a lot of upset old people followed by a burial in a church yard. Also family think she is too young and aren't keen.

I think this is too much for her to need to know. She is already upset at the thought of her grandpa underground. But she needs to talk about things that children need to talk about and although firned is nice I can't be sure she will know how best to handle every question.

They are likely to have a family memorial service at a later date and I and she can go to that. We can visit grandpa's grave. She can focus her feelings on grandpa - not on seeing everyone else upset.

OP posts:

MadameCastafiore · 12/08/2011 19:09

Bloody hell you come across as a right hard faced cow - sorry but lost my mother at a very young age and then my grandmother who brought me up but I am emotionally mature enough to be there for DH when he needs me and realise that the death of his father and how heartbroken he must feel is nothing like losing a grandfather (I have lost both of mine but not my father!)

From when I can read here your friend may be a better person to be around your daughter if you go on about her granfather being underground!!!!!

exoticfruits · 12/08/2011 19:18

It really isn't about you. Go and support DH and his family.

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