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(52 Posts)
jellybelly85 Wed 24-Feb-16 19:22:29

My DP and I are expecting baby #1 in June. We're unmarried - that might change in the future - but I don't think either of us would change our surnames as a result. We're currently looking at different options to include both our surnames for baby.

I'm considering having one surname as a middle name and the other as a surname. But the question is which one do we put where?

There seems to be a convention of using dad's surname. Some argue it's more difficult for dads to convince others of their parental rights if they don't share the same surname (e.g. travelling, hospital appointments...etc). However the feminist in me thinks that's not a good enough reason to prioritise his name over mine!

We both have to spell our surnames out for people (neither are particularly common or apparently easy to spell). Mine has one syllable and his has 3. Double-barrelling would be quite a mouthful so not something we're considering...

Have any MNers been in a similar position and care to share their advice?

BackforGood Wed 24-Feb-16 19:30:11

What about choosing a new family name together - so all 3 of you have the same name, and you can choose one that's easier to spell but neither feel you are in any way giving up your name for the other ? smile

DontKillMyVibe Wed 24-Feb-16 19:50:30

Am in the same position. Was considering double barrelling but it would be a bit of a mouthful. Will probably just give my surname as a middle name and DP's as the baby's surname. I was greatly opposed to this initially as I didn't want to have a different surname as my baby. Have come round to the idea though. We will get married at some stage in the future though probably not for ages. There is a chance I may take DP's surname on marriage.

I was married before and didn't take my ex's surname name - didnt even consider it but I don't feel as strongly about changing my surname now.

jellybelly85 Wed 24-Feb-16 19:50:37

We did think about that option BackforGood but it felt really weird choosing a random name. We tried looking at combinations of our surnames and nothing looked good. hmm

jellybelly85 Wed 24-Feb-16 19:52:23

Out of interest DontKillMyVibe why are you leaning towards your name being the middle name rather than the surname? Would DP not consider taking your name in marriage?

winchester1 Wed 24-Feb-16 19:54:01

We've used dads as a middl name and mne as the surname. We never plan to get married and I want the same surname as my kids, OH doens't really care as we live in the village he grew up in, everyone knows they are his kids.

Blue2014 Wed 24-Feb-16 19:59:10

Could one of you choose your mothers maiden name as a new surname? My dad did it years ago and no one really seemed to question it he did have a shit original surname though!

DontKillMyVibe Wed 24-Feb-16 20:00:09

Jelly - no, DP wouldn't consider taking my surname in marriage and I wouldn't be arsed if he did or didn't tbh. He would consider the baby having my surname and his as a middle name but I'm leaning more to the other way round now.

jellybelly85 Wed 24-Feb-16 20:07:30

Blue2014 we both quite like our surnames, and would both feel very weird about using either maiden name as it wouldn't be very 'us' at all. I think we're agreed to include both surnames, just not sure which should be middle and which should be surname.

Thanks for sharing DontKillMyVibe. I think neither of us want to take the others' surname, but equally neither are too bothered which surname should be used for baby. Very strange as I'm normally very decisive! Part of me thinks myname hisname sounds marginally better, but the feminist in me thinks I should assert my name as the surname.

Focusfocus Wed 24-Feb-16 20:13:04

We are married. We have our own last names. DS has been given the double barrelled surname DH LAST NAME-MY LAST NAME

scandichick Wed 24-Feb-16 20:17:57

Traditionally the child of unmarried parents would take the mother's surname, it's interesting that the general perception is of the opposite now that there's no stigma associated with being born out of wedlock.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 24-Feb-16 20:32:44

There's no way I'd change my name and no way in hell. I'd let my child grow up with a different surname from me.
What if relationships don't work out and you (not you personally, collectively) end up with kids with all different surnames, sorry but people talk, always have always will.

SoupDragon Wed 24-Feb-16 20:40:01

Part of me thinks myname hisname sounds marginally better, but the feminist in me thinks I should assert my name as the surname.

I think you should choose the order that sounds the best, after all it is something that the child is going to have for a long time so it needs to sound right smile

Personally, I think insisting that your name is more important than that of the other parent is wrong.

thebiscuitindustry Wed 24-Feb-16 20:40:22

I'm considering having one surname as a middle name and the other as a surname. But the question is which one do we put where?

I think either way would be fine. Just go with which flows better.

hufflebottom Wed 24-Feb-16 20:42:11

Dd has mine as her middle name and her dads as her surname. It was easier to change mine to the female version or what is depicted as the female version.

allegretto Wed 24-Feb-16 20:45:51

Choose a first name and then just decide which name it goes better with! We are married but I haven't changed my name.

stitchglitched Wed 24-Feb-16 20:46:26

My DC have my name only. We will get married in the next couple of years but I won't be changing my name, DP can if he wants!

Zampa Wed 24-Feb-16 20:49:24

My DP and I are unmarried. When DD was born we were both in hospital for a while and despite it always being our intention for her to take DP's surname, she had to have mine during our stay so we were "linked".

Whilst I'd keep my surname if we married, it made me realise that I don't have that much of an attachment to my surname. I was keen to get out of hospital so DD could have her "real" name (and for other reasons!).

I do still smile when we receive hospital letters to Mr & Mrs Zampa. Don't think DP is as keen.

JasperDamerel Wed 24-Feb-16 20:54:03

Are you sure that double-barrelling sounds bad? DP and I did at first, but once we got used to idea, we really liked it. The children really like having a bit of name from each of us. And three-syllable-one-syllable can sound fine.

Or you could say that a girl gets your surname and a boy gets his.

In general, if only parent gets to share their surname with the child, I think it should be the one who is most likely to be doing the school drop-offs, doctor's appointments etc, as that person will probably be known as Ms/Mr/Mrs Childsname whatever their actual name is.

jellybelly85 Wed 24-Feb-16 21:04:53

JasperDamerel our names sounds like Holmes and McFarland. So would be Holmes-McFarland or McFarland-Holmes. Just seems like a lot of letters and syllables for a surname to me. What do you think?

Blu Wed 24-Feb-16 21:09:25

DS loves his 5 syllable double barrelled surname, and the fact that he has a name form each of us.
One of the names is not a UK standard and requires some spelling sometimes, but that is the norm in London, where we live, it seems grin.

We did go for a short first name and no middle name - there wasn't a middle name we liked and we didn't see the need for one for the sake of it.

Blu Wed 24-Feb-16 21:10:30

McFarland-Holmes would be a fab surname. (to my ear it scans better that way round)

ILoveACornishPasty Wed 24-Feb-16 21:35:13

McFarland-Holmes us bloody ace!! I'm jealous of that! I have a proper common surname!!

KatieT12 Wed 24-Feb-16 21:41:14

We double barrelled my DS's name, but that's in the process of changing to DH's (now we're married)... My maiden name is a name, but I suppose a bit girly now it's Taylor but we are going to make it a second middle name for him. I have just had a son too, but I don't want him having the same second middle name, so we are giving him a second middle name of the male version of my middle name.

I suppose my whole family have done the traditional thing and taken the man's name... However, DH and I never really questioned who's name would be taken.

Not really sure how to help you, tbh x

Disastronaut Wed 24-Feb-16 21:49:03

We're not married and we double barrelled DD's surname. It's a right mouthful (one Russian-ish the other Brit) but I just couldn't not be a feminist about it! We almost changed both our names, we came up with a cracking combo name that made us sound mysterious and foreign but DP bottled it in the end.

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