termination at 16 weeks

(15 Posts)
user1455661447 Tue 17-May-16 02:00:50

Hi, I have been told today after receiving my harmony test results, that my baby has down syndrome. I will be having an amnio test tomorrow but they are 99% certain. It is a terrible shock and my husband and I are devastated. I am 32 and this is our first pregnancy. We have discussed it all night, and have both decided to terminate the pregnancy is the right choice for us. However I am extremely frightened about the process, as I am 16 weeks pregnant. Has anyone been through this in the UK at this stage of a pregnancy? How did your body recover afterwards? How soon can we start trying again? Any insights would be appreciated. I'm feeling so sad and alone, and we have agreed we will not tell people what has happened and in fact very few people even know I'm pregnant so I have no one to talk to.

Chrisinthemorning Tue 17-May-16 02:05:35

I'm really sorry flowers
We went through this but at 14 weeks and I didn't want medical management so had to go to Marie Stopes.
Physically I was ok but emotionally I was a wreck for ages.
We now have a healthy son who is nearly 4 and the light of our lives.
I would suggest you speak to ARC- antenatal results and choices charity who are amazing

primarynoodle Tue 17-May-16 02:27:00

Im so sorry flowers
I had a tfmr at 13 weeks so slightly before you but the procedure will be the same.

I will be frank because thats what i needed when i was facing this, in terms of the physical - i had medical management and went into hospital in the am and gave birth around 6pm then was discharged the following morning. I bled for around 2.5 months after but i think thats rare and was caused by an infection (needed a quick course of antiobiotics). By the time the bleeding had stopped i was pregnant again and am now 32 weeks with a (so far) healthy rainbow but i still miss by baby girl every day.

Emotionally, get in touch with the charity ARC. They offer an amazing support and advice helpline and a forum like mumsnet but only for mums like us who have had to end a pregnancy due to a sad diagnosis which was much more relevant to my needs than mumsnet.

Please pm me for any more advice or support and again im so sorry this is happening to you and your dp flowers

user1455661447 Tue 17-May-16 02:27:56

Thank you for your response. Sorry to hear you have been through something similar but glad your story has a happy ending. Did your body go back to normal straight away or did you still feel pregnant?

primarynoodle Tue 17-May-16 02:35:03

I felt pregnant for a few days after but i dont know whether that was mainly psychological?

I had an amnio with this baby btw and the procedure wasnt as scary as it sounds x

KittyandTeal Tue 17-May-16 19:23:21

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

I had a tfmr at 22 weeks for T18. I won't detail that as lots of it is not relevant to your situation.

I recently lost my ds at 14 weeks (he died in utero for unknown reasons) I had a medical management which is pretty much the same as a tfmr at this gestation.

I went in at lunch time, had one pessary and that was enough. However, because he had died already my and I had had my tfmr just over a year before my body was more ready. It may take longer for you. I only needed gas and air for his birth, and it is like labour (having been through it full term and at 22 weeks) it may be slightly different if you have not given birth before. With my dd2 at 22 weeks I also had morphine during labour. These pain relief methods will be available to you too.

We chose to see both dd2 and ds after I'd had them. We have photos, memory boxes for them. We also had them both cremated and has services for them. Our crematorium is brilliant and we managed to get ashes back from ds as well as dd2 which amazed me. They are both together in the childrens garden at the crem.

Both arc and sands are brilliant charities and can help you and give you advise. Be gentle with yourself, it is a long road but you find a new normal at the end of it. 💐

user1455661447 Tue 17-May-16 19:44:54

Thank you. I had the amnio today and it nearly broke my heart seeing the baby on the scan again. But they are 99% certain, so we are in no doubt as to what the outcome will be. I'm so frightened of the termination. I have never experienced labour before and I just can't believe I have to go through it, without the reward of my baby at the end of it. I know I'm not the only person to experience this, but it feels so isolating and overwhelming. My husband is so devastated, I just feel so responsible for us being in this terrible situation.

bloodypassword Tue 17-May-16 19:51:30

Dear OP

I'm so sorry for your situation - I imagine you are both feeling utterly wretched.

I can offer nothing except to say of course you're not to blame and that I'm sure you will get lots of help and support via this forum and the others that PP have mentioned. As someone else has said, be gentle on yourself.

primarynoodle Tue 17-May-16 20:07:11

User i felt the same when i went for my final scan after dd's diagnosis - i will never forget the last time i saw her on that screen.

Dont be hard on yourself and dont feel guilty over any decisions you make - you are doing what you think is best as your child's mother and for what its worth i would do the same (and there are plenty of other parents who have already). Be kind to yourself and lean on your dp for support.

Do speak to arc and keep posting here for support/advice/experiences as you need it. Hope you are coping ok flowers

user1455661447 Wed 18-May-16 22:03:05

I made some progress today and managed to secure an appointment at a clinic for a surgical procedure. I have chosen this as I can do it this week, rather than waiting another week at the hospital, and also because I am afraid of having a drawn out procedure where I have to experience labour. My husband is concerned about the risks however, particularly in case it damages my fertility or ability to have another baby. I was wondering if anyone has experienced any long term side effects from their termination? Thanks X

KittyandTeal Thu 19-May-16 17:43:38

I don't have experience of a surgical termination but I'm pretty sure it's fairly safe (as safe as any routine op) and shouldn't result in any long term fertility issues.

You might find your cycles are a bit messed up afterwards but they generally are after a termination or late loss.

I'm glad you've managed to get an appointment for the option that suits you best.

AprilSkies44 Fri 17-Jun-16 20:01:25

user i am in the same position right now and also have been told that medical management ( having an induced miscarriage) is safer for long term fertility and yet like you i am sure i want the surgical option.

ARC have told me there is no basis for them telling me that the surgical procedure is any riskier to future fetility than the medical route.

i am 12 weeks on monday with a positive for trisome 21 on the genesis serentiy test.
ive got cvs tuesday. to confirm.

ive got an appt at a bpas clinic after this because the hospital say their cut off for surgical termination is 12 weeks. by the time i get the results of the cvs ill be nearer 13.

like you, feeling devastated. alone. lost.

user1455661447 Fri 17-Jun-16 21:05:25

I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It is a month now since I lost my baby. Bpas were really kind when I had the procedure and did their best to reassure me that it was ok that we'd made this decision and encouraged me to focus on the thought that I can try again and go on to have a healthy family. I did not feel judged for my choice and the nurse in recovery was particularly kind. I kept crying every time I met a different member of staff and had to explain why I was there - and if I'm honest cried most of the day. But they were very sensitive to the fact I was clearly finding it difficult being there and going through with it. It was quite uncomfortable going through the dilation part of the process but the pain was not the cause of my tears. I found the whole thing very upsetting at the time as I'd never had an operation before so the it felt very alien to me being in an operating theatre and just so incredibly sad that this was how my pregnancy was going to end. But despite all of this going on in my head, the procedure was straightforward and over quickly. I then returned to a room for three hours to wait for my cervix to dilate. This part did hurt a bit but a couple of paracetamol really helped. I felt quite shivery for a bit but it passed and I was actually quite warm and flushed before they took me back down to theatre. I was 16 weeks so was asleep for the second part. The Anaesthetist was so kind and the nurse held my hand as I went to sleep as they knew I was frightened. When I came round they were holding my hand and could not have treated me any better. I was lucky my husband was so strong during the day and waited with me throughout. You will need your partner more than ever afterwards though. He drove me home and when we got there it was his turn to cry and mine to be the strong one. We chose not to tell anyone about the decision we had made, so we called our families to tell them we'd had a miscarriage. That was one of the hardest conversations we've had to have with our parents as we could not be entirely honest, as we knew they would not understand us terminating the pregnancy. I hope you do not have to do this, but just like the procedure itself, you will get through it if you do. I have found that it's true that time is a healer but it's the emptiness that I've had to come to terms with. I felt like I'd been so ill during my pregnancy and had put on all this weight for nothing. It just felt so unfair. I can't lie that I've totally moved on... But I went back to work after a couple of days and have tried to get on with things. I have been much more emotional than normal and very teary when I talk about it. But every day it gets easier and I laugh more. I hardly bled afterwards and was totally recovered physically after two weeks. It feels a bit like period pain which is something I'm very used to, so did not find the recovery part too bad. I hope you recover well too. I don't know if any of this is helpful but I guess I just wanted to be honest and reassure you that you are not alone and tell you what to expect. No matter how hard it feels, you will get through it. I miss my baby so much but I have no regrets about the termination. My husband and I are desperate to conceive again and started trying again as soon as my body recovered. I have not had a period yet but it feels better to at least try. Please do ask me any questions you might have and if you ever need anyone to talk to afterwards then I am here for you.

AprilSkies44 Fri 17-Jun-16 22:25:24

i cant thank you enough for replying user - thank you. my job is in the emergency services so sadly i couldnt have kept my pregnancy a secret and as i got the results of the test at work im afraid the whole world knows.

ill be off a while i think.

i should get the preliminary results of the cvs on weds so ill let the bpas clinic know that on monday when they should be phoning me.

im 44 so not sure how realistic my chances of trying again are but i got pg within 2 months of trying so ill keep an open mind. im also terrified of having to go through this again but im of the adage that lightening shouldnt strike twice.

thank you for telling me how it was for you. i have no idea what to expect at all and that makes fear worse.

did you have to pay for the bpas clinic? the lady at ARC said i shouldnt have to, but just should check as my overdraft wont stand it..

dp and i are steadfastly sure this is right for us, decision wise, and im sure the surgical route is best for me.

people have been very kind but i found the lack of info hard to cope with and the fact ive had to dig and dig to find out my options has been hard.

im glad you are feeling better about things user - when i read your thread is resonated with me so much. thnnk you x

user1455661447 Fri 17-Jun-16 23:23:49

I'm glad i was able to help. I actually think the fact you have been open with people, should help you come to terms with it much quicker. Only our family were aware I was pregnant so I've not been able to talk to anyone other than my husband and arc, and so I think bottling it all up has contributed to me feeling so lost. But I am starting to feel more positive again, so it does get easier. In terms of bpas I did not have to pay. I gave them my nhs number and I think that was all they needed as they are a charity. Please don't worry about your finances at a time like this. It sounds like you are handling this very well. You are very brave and I think you are right to be positive that you will get pregnant again. I will be thinking of you.

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