To think everyone bickers?

[Stigaloid]

My DH and i bicker like there is no tomorrow. We love each other dearly and our relationship is very strong, but we are also both strong characters, both believe we are in charge and both like to think we are right a lot of the time. We do compromise when need be but in general we bicker.

Are we the only ones? Dh says we icker too much in front of our DS but truth be told, i ask DH to do something, he either doesn't do it, ignores what i says at the time or tells me he will do it but not the way i ask, the way he thinks it should be done etc etc (He can never simply just do as i ask - it always has to be done his way - grrr!) I think we bicker a lot in front of DS too but i am also tired of asking him to do something and never having the answer be 'ok, sure'. IMO he is teaching our DS that when mum asks you to do something you can always answer back (but that is another story)

Please tell me i am not the only one who feels this way.

I am also 32 weeks pregnant, hormonal and blooming tired all the time, so appreciate i am not at my best, but it seems we have always bickered and being parents has just meant one long sleep deprived journey over the last few years anyway.

Do you bicker with your OH?

(sorry it is long)

[anonymous85]

We bicker, don't think it's excessively, but think it's normal and sometimes it's in a kinda fun way too not like a fight.

It's normal I reckon, better to have little bickers than to hold it in for a big blue

[ZZZenAgain]

we don't really bicker but I nag a fair bit

[LilRedWG]

We're like ZZZen and her DH.

ILs are more like you guys and have just celebrated their 40th anniversary.

[bigchris]

oh yes we bicker, i nag, we both moan, argue, shout far too much

i was somewhat reassured when ds stayed with his gps upon returned said they argue more than us! i honestly didnt think anyone could

[teameric]

Stigaloid you sound like me and DH, both like to be in charge, like things our own way ect ect, but we love each other and suppose we just have to learn to compromise (very hard sometimes!) so no your not on your own!

[Tee2072]

I imagine you would bicker less if you didn't insist everything be done your way.

DH and I do bicker a little, but not over the way things should be done.

[preciouslillywhite]

we do this!

eg in the car, outside a flooring showroom in Forest Hill

it ended up a little bit like this:

"shut up"
"you shut up"
"no you"
"you shut up"
"you're a wanker"
"no I'm not a wanker"
"you are"
"am not. You're a twat"
"wanker"
"twat"

etc etc ad infinitum

Interestingly if the kids do this, they get me as a self appointed Peace Envoy- and the Disappointed Face

[disappointed face emotion]

[pagwatch]

No. We don't bicker. We are never rude to each other. Also we don't shout and we don't call names. We don't fight at all really.
We argue but we listen to each other and dicuss until we reach agreement.
Of course we annoy each other but we just tell each other - you are really annoying me so I am going to another room to drink and swear calm down.

I personally would hate to be bickering in front of the children but I know fantastic loving couples who do it and their children don't even notice.

Also once when DH and I did have a big arguement in front of DS1 ( about eight years ago) he turned to me in horror and said 'does this mean you are going to get a divorce' because he had never seen it before so it seemed really dramatic to him
we hadn't even shouted at each other -we were just clearly really annoyed and he was

I sound like Mrs Fucking Ingles from Little House on the Prarie

[diddl]

No,we don´t bicker-isn´t that for children?

Neither do we argue or fight.

We occasionally disagree and have to find a compromise.

[MagNacarta]

We don't bicker, I don't nag and we don't row very often, but when we do.... it's very bad.

Tbh I am not as saintly as it may seem, dh has always made it clear that he will not be 'told' what to do and I've had to get used to it. Actually it's good because we've learn to pick our arguments and if something is really bothering us we'll talk about it calmly. We've both been through divorce and I think we've both learnt that something really aren't worth nagging or bickering about.

[Chickenshavenolips]

We bicker in a comedy way, and let cold fury roll at each other in waves when we mean it. Things get very quiet when we're genuinely pissed with each other.

[bibbitybobbityCAT]

Oh God I can't stand bickering. My dh's brother and his wife do it constantly, I mean really constantly, in front of everyone. It is just their default behaviour. Consequently we spend two days per year with them TOPS. It is sooooooooooo childish and juvenile.

[6feetundertheGroundhogs]

My parents argued twice, once before I was born and once before they split up.

The fight terrified the living daylights out of me and arguements between DH and I used to freak me out as a consequence.

I think a healthy difference of opinion, the odd bicker and row - as long as it doesn't end in character assassination, has to be healthy.

DH and I do row, sometimes, and certainly when we were in his country, a LOT. Hoping that now he's due back home here, we'll have less stress and be able to 'discuss' things without it descending into a fight.

Pagwatch, I'm going to try your 'you're annoying me' tack... that seems potentially really useful!

[6feetundertheGroundhogs]

My parents argued twice, once before I was born and once before they split up.

The fight terrified the living daylights out of me and arguements between DH and I used to freak me out as a consequence.

I think a healthy difference of opinion, the odd bicker and row - as long as it doesn't end in character assassination, has to be healthy.

DH and I do row, sometimes, and certainly when we were in his country, a LOT. Hoping that now he's due back home here, we'll have less stress and be able to 'discuss' things without it descending into a fight.

Pagwatch, I'm going to try your 'you're annoying me' tack... that seems potentially really useful!

[teameric]

at preciouslillywhite me and DH often have those "discussions" very childish I know but hey, most of it is in jest really. When we do fight though well thats something else entirely.

[pagwatch]

6feet
sometimes I pour myself a glass if I realise he is on the train heading home and the thought iritates me for some unknown reason.

It is always wise to difuse these things before they blow up IMO

[Seededbiatch]

We never bicker, I think we'd probably end up laughing at ourselves if we did. People generally sound ridiculous when they bicker because it's usually about really petty, mundane things like socks on the floor and the washing up.

I chose him because I agree with most of the things he has to say so arguing rarely happens.

That probably makes me sound a bit stepford but we're very similar in our approach to life and our opinions on things so there is rarely conflict.

[6feetundertheGroundhogs]

Cushioning the blow.. love it!

[MrsBadger]

no
we don't have big rows either

like Pagwatch and MrPag we say 'I'm just going upstairs, I'll come back when I'm feeling calmer' etc

but really, why are you nagging asking dh to do stuff?
and why does it matter if he does it his way if it gets done?

having a chore rota fair division of labour you have both agreed on saves a lot of nagging.
and asking nicely can save a lot of trouble
It may sound silly to have 'strategies' for this, like you do for getting a toddler to get dressed, but if you can be rational, give good reasons and be willing to compromise it gets a lot easier

Exhibit A:

• DH, do you think you could do the bins while I get dd ready for bed?
• Tomorrow I've got a really early start because of this meeting, is there any chance you could do the packed lunches when you've finished on the PC?
• It would be great if you could stick the nappies in the dryer when the machine finishes.

Exhibit B:

• God do I have to do EVERYTHING round here, dd isn't even in her pyjamas yet and there are STILL the bins to do.
• If you've got nothing better to do than play on the internet then you can bloody well do the packed lunches don't forget that dd needs two apples and the pink water cup, not the blue one, and don;t forget the cool pack like you did last time, she wouldn;t eat her yoghurt because it was warm.
• No I can't come and sit down yet, there's all this to do and the washing machine still hasn't finished.

I have done both and I know which works better for me...

[MadameDuBain]

Yes we bicker, though as someone said it isn't always bad-tempered - there's comedy bickering too. We can both be very sarcastic though not in a nasty way. If it turns into an actual row I feel bad if 4yo DS sees, and he tells us off and puts his hand over our mouths! But he can handle a bit of bickering. We just explain that we are grumpy/stroppy like he gets sometimes.

Sometimes it is just very stupid...

DP: aaargh why do you have to put stuff in the sink instead of next to it. aaarrgh couldn't you have soaked this spoon, the porridge is all glued on.
Me: oh blah-de-blah, you grumpy old fusspot
DP: You use too many spoons
Me: Oh and you're so perfect and tidy. You said you would hoover and you haven't done it.
DP: Oh you're so much better than me aren't you.
Me: Yes, so ner.

etc. DS must think he's the only adult in the room.

[BiteOfFun]

No, we've never had an argument except the drunken ones about who loves the other one more

We disagree sometimes, but not all that often really. We don't moan at each other because something hasn't been done etc, because we know the other person is generally doing their best, and any cock-ups aren't intentional.

[seaglass]

DH and I don't really fight - we have had 2 big rows - one when we tried to work out the baby car seat, the next one when we came to fit the next stage carseat!
OTOH, my sister and BIL fight like cat and dog most of the time - they love each other, it's just their way.
Each to their own

[Stigaloid]

Wow - glad to realise that we aren't the only ones but pretty disheartened by the accusations that DH and I are childish as a result. everyone is different. We don't have big rows we just tend to bicker at stupid things when we are tired (and being pregnant that is often right now)

I'd be interested in learning from all the evolved couples who never bicker or have disagreements as to how they manage this - i don't like bickering with my DH and so would appreciate some (non condescending) advice.

Thanks

[beaniesinthebucketagain]

YANBU,

i could have wrote some of the 'scripts' above, And tbh amongst our smug we never fight couple friends we are the closest, and theres no underlying issues because weve already rowed about them too

[MrsBadger]

oh we still disagree, frequently, and often at length but we try and talk calmly about it because it's the only way we can reach a resolution and/or a compromise. Whining / nagging / sulking / bickering isn't productive.

We both do a lot of biting our lip in the heat of the moment (so not 'Oh give it to me you stupid woman, you do it like this, can you not even work a simple thing like that?') in order to sit down later and be rational ('Would it be easier if it was my job to reset the router in future, or did you want to have a look at the manual so if it goes again you can fix it yourself?')