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AIBU?

to think it OTT to send a 6 year old to the headteacher for a scuffle/fight?

72 replies

SingleMum01 · 14/10/2009 19:07

Right, let me give you the full story. My DS came out of school today, hardly able to breathe, really upset and unable to talk. His teacher said he and another boy (both boys are fairly gently and not fighters) had had a fight in the cloakroom and my DS started it. I asked my DS what had happened, but he was so upset he was unable to talk.

After we got home and he calmed down he told me his version of what had happened. He was singing in the cloakroom and the other boy punched him for singing (which is unlike this boy as far as I'm aware, my DS says he isn't usually like that). Anyway, the other boy punched my DS again and then my DS had had enough so kicked him, then the other boy punched my DS again. One teacher then came into the cloakroom and saw my DS on the floor, and the other boy told her my DS started it. Now I know I wasn't there so didn't see what happened and I don't live in cloud cuckoo land and believe my DS is a complete angel. Neither did any teachers see what happened. However, my DS is really in a state about going to school tomorrow as the teacher has told him he's got to see the headteacher.

I've never been told of him hitting/fighting any other children. I know my son and he is generally gentle and I'm sure I would know if he was a hitter/kicker. If his version is true, part of me thinks good on you for sticking up for yourself (although I know the teachers wouldn't like you to say that). So I've told him if someone hits him he needs to tell the teachers then he can't be blamed for something he hasn't done.

But it also seems over the top if he has to go the headteacher for one incident rather than the teacher dealing with it, as I've never been called into the school or been told he's hurt anyone before. Plus there have been incidents when my DS has been hit and I know the child who did that didn't have to go to see the headteacher.

He's also told me he won't be having his golden time on Friday (where they get to play rather than do lessons). I think that's fair enough punishment for kicking back but to see the headmaster seems OTT.

What are others opinions?

OP posts:

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Morosky · 14/10/2009 19:10

I think at primary level seeing the head teacher is fair enough tbh.

Morloth · 14/10/2009 19:11

I think seeing the head and losing some playtime is reasonable for fighting in the locker room.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 14/10/2009 19:12

not OTT

Goblinchild · 14/10/2009 19:14

It's a disputed occurrence involving physical violence.
The head should unpick the incident and find out what exactly happened, and write up an agreed incident report for the children to understand the sequence of events. He has the time to get to the bottom of things unlike a harried class teacher.
Involving the head isn't OTT, what sort of a headmonster do you have that it is seen as such a dreadful event?

famishedass · 14/10/2009 19:14

YABU - children need to learn that fighting is unacceptable.

My children have been sent to the headteacher on occasion. I tell them

"go to the headmistresses, tell her what happened, say you're sorry and take the punishment she gives you. Then you'll feel much better and it'll all be over and forgotten"

He broke the rules, he needs to apologise and take what punishment the head sees fit. Don't make a big deal about it. Tell him it'll all be over in about 5 minutes and then he can put the whole thing behind him.

HuwEdwards · 14/10/2009 19:14

Fairly standard practise in primary schools...trying to strike the fear of god into them while they're young enough to be bothered about seeing the head

It's a shame it wasn't done immediately - to wait overnight is a bit unfortunate for your son, but maybe the head wasn't available. The head will just give him a gentle talking to I would guess.

Personally, I'm all for it, but I am a fairly strict parent.

Hulababy · 14/10/2009 19:15

What is the headteacher like? Is he approachable generally? Or is he a bit off limits usually?

I ask as DD's head is lovely and the children see her all the time. It would be acceptable for her to have a word with children regarding a fight in DD's school - also int he infant school I work at. Both heads are pretty hands on for both positive and negative school based issues.

Also - is the other boy seeing the headteacher too? If not, why not? I would want this following up.

If this was to happen I would expect it to have happened on the day of the incident for a child of this age, as little ones can worry.

I also don't think she should miss ALL of his golden time, but part of it - again so should the other child; is he? Normally our children in class I work in (Y1) miss 5/10 minutes golden time for each "serious" (i.e. fighting) incident.

wannaBe · 14/10/2009 19:15

I think it's fair enough.

Doesn't matter who started it, your ds kicked another child therefore he is as guilty as the other boy.

Violence is never the answer.

eyetunes · 14/10/2009 19:17

In our primary school half the kids spend their time filing in and out of the Headteachers office. For anything from persistently talking in class to fighting.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 14/10/2009 19:18

Sorry, also think the school are dealing with it and it's the right way. Perhaps the teacher should have done it there and then but didn't have the time or through the boys were too emotional about the incident? Don't worry too much about it.

TheCrackFox · 14/10/2009 19:20

Fairly standards at our school for naughty children to be sent to the HT's office.

Eyetunes, maybe our Dcs go to the same school?

pointyhat · 14/10/2009 19:25

Fisticuffs in school is normally taken very seriously. Seeing head and losing golden time seems ok.

piscesmoon · 14/10/2009 19:28

I would automatically involve the Head if there was physical violence. If a DC goes home and tells their parent that they were punched by another DC the parent is most likely to phone the school and speak to the Head. The Head would be annoyed if they didn't know anything about it. The strong message has to be that you can't fight in school, and it needs more than a word from the teacher. The Head of a Primary School is in the job because they like children! They are perfectly capable of sorting it out-they are also likely to have the time which the teacher doesn't.

Jujubean77 · 14/10/2009 19:32

Absolutely fair - it was a fight not a scuffle - they were throwing punches at each other and kicking in the changing rooms.

Seeing the head will drum in that this is not acceptable, surely you agree with this?

SingleMum01 · 14/10/2009 19:38

This is a new experience for me, my DS is dreading it as he's never been to see the head before - maybe I've been lucky to get to Y2 without then?!

I agree that fighting is unacceptable, but it seems one rule for one as I said my DS has been hit on occasions in the playground and the other DS concerned was spoken to by the teacher but never sent to the head.

I don't know whether to mention it to him in the morning or leave it, although I think he will probably be trying to wriggle out of going to school. I'm concerned that he won't be able to put his point forward as he'll be too upset.

OP posts:

bellavita · 14/10/2009 19:41

Very fair in being sent to the Head imo.

piscesmoon · 14/10/2009 19:44

If my DS had been punched at school I would want to know that it had been taken seriously.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/10/2009 19:45

Very fair - they were punching and kicking each other

Please tell us what punishment you have implemented for him breaking your rule of no hitting?

Jujubean77 · 14/10/2009 19:51

Don't pick it all apart, the other occasions may have been v different. I suspect strongly they were.

In this instance you really just need to back it up and tell him he will have to face the consequences for his behavior.

I doubt if the head will be asking for a blow by blow account he said/she said. He will just tell them that this is wrong and not to do it again.

famishedass · 14/10/2009 19:52

SingleMum just reassure your son, tell him it's nothing to worry about, other children go through this when they fight at school too.

Tell him the head is going to tell him off and tell him not to do it again and then the whole thing will be over and that horrid feeling in his tummy will be gone and he'll feel better.

Morloth · 14/10/2009 19:54

How do you know the kids who have punched your son in the playground have not been sent to the head?

Knickers0nMaHead · 14/10/2009 19:54

YABU. Of course they will get into trouble for fighting

HumphreyCobbler · 14/10/2009 20:04

Is it that your son is terrified? I would try to reassure him that it will be ok, the head will talk to him about fighting (as I am sure you have already done), he will need to say that he is sorry, and then he will be able to move on.

I remember the feeling I got when I (a generally quiet and well behaved child) got sent to the head. I had written a nasty note about another child, so I deserved to be told off, but the FEAR. I felt sick and was shaking. It was horrible, if the op's son has a reaction like that I would really feel for him waiting till the next day.

SingleMum01 · 14/10/2009 20:05

Thanks Jujubean and Fanishedass for your support.

Lauriefairycake - I haven't punished him, although I have discussed the incident and kicking with him. I really think the overnight worry and dread of going to see the head will be punishment enough.

Morloth - because I know the parents. Maybe I should have been more proactive when my DS has been smacked in the face and bitten.

OP posts:

kid · 14/10/2009 20:06

I can understand why you don't feel he should be sent to the Head due to it being his first fight. But, if schools don't react and send the children to the Head, the children could go on and fight again and again and again. I think its a good idea to give them a little fright in to not doing it again.

As for the other children that have been caught fighting in the past, its difficult to know if they have been sent to the Head or not. If they haven't, then I would feel the teachers are not being consistent which is never a good idea.

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