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to think i WASN'T being selfish?

(39 Posts)
milknosugarplease Wed 30-Sep-09 00:10:51

ok, so I have a friend who has two wonderful little boys. aged 3&4.

she's from a reasonably large family and last xmas they (her DS'S) recived so much stuff that the spare room was filled up, when my friend took it back to the various shops etc, she came away with £600!!!!!!!

that money and money they recieve throughout the year goes into 2 acounts-1 for things throughpout the year e.g. shoes etc and a savings account.

anyway, their birthdays are november and janurary so with xmas inbetween they end up with a very spoiled 3/4 months and nothing the rest of the year iygwim.

I;m trying to sort out who im buying what for xmas, i said to her that considering the amount of stuff they got last year, if it was ok i would give them a card each (she keeps all cards!) and would buy them something around april time, this way it's a be=it more spread around.

anyway she started REALLY going off on one saying i was selfish and ruining her boys xmas, if i was going to be this selfish i could forget about being godmother when they get chrisned (she v randomly asked me one night when DS2 was born and it has never been mentioned since!) she was disgusted that i wouldnt buy them a present etc etc

i never said i WOULDNT buy them a present i would just rather buy them something in april to give them something to break the year up iygwim

so WAS i being selfish? wwyd if someone offered to do this with your DC'S??

leanto Wed 30-Sep-09 00:18:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisydotandgertie Wed 30-Sep-09 00:19:13

She exchanged the gifts for cash?

All of them?

milknosugarplease Wed 30-Sep-09 00:28:23

I was thinking about how DS'S would feel but tbh the get so much crap stuff they REALLY wouldnt notice! if someone said to them "what did milk get you for xmas/birthdays?" chances are they'd go "urrm i dunno" not theur fault they just have so much stuff!!!

i dont mind if im being unreasonable...just need confirmation from others

daisy about 75% of them (including mine now i think of it!) the amount they had left still was ridiculous!!

PandaEis Wed 30-Sep-09 00:38:34

milk IMO YANBU they kids are 3 and 4 and will definitely not notice basically you will be giving presents to the children for your 'friend' to take them back to the shop so you can help fund their yearly outgoings!! i think that is honestly one of the rudest things EVER!! especially if she doesnt make an effort to hide it at all!! just a question though, is your friend short of money at all?? as that is the only reason why i would posibly not mind her returning the gift that she so expects you to buy for her children.

she sounds like the selfish one IMHO

milknosugarplease Wed 30-Sep-09 00:45:31

She is not really short of money, isn't on benefits, her mum gives her plenty of money each month and boys dad contributes LOADS, i think almost 80% of his wages he gives in maintance.

if she was then of course i wouldnt mind her returning presents but she has more money then me and i work full time!

just annoyed at being called selfish etc i guess

StableButDeluded Wed 30-Sep-09 00:48:22

TBH, I would think it was a bit odd that you would want to buy something in April. I mean, I understand why you suggested it & logically it sounds ideal, but surely the children won't understand it's for birthday/xmas at that time of year?

But OTHT, they'd probably love an unexpected present, so in that sense YANBU. Oh, I dunno!

I think your friensd is BVU to go off on one like that about it though.

thumbwitch Wed 30-Sep-09 00:51:20

I think she is nuts and quite rude, tbh.
I do understand that her DSs have too much stuff, but why the hell doesn't she just TELL people that presents aren't required? Sounds almost like she enjoys the attention of them getting so much stuff.

no you are not being selfish - what a stupid thing to say - you were trying to do something nice for her DSs by spreading the present-giving around through the year. I would think twice about giving anything now, I have to say, especially knowing that my present is likely to be exchanged for cash!

I'd just give the DSs a cheque in their own name. I do this for my nieces who have entirely too much Stuff already and get far more Stuff than they could ever remember for each birthday and Christmas. The cheque then goes into their individual savings account so they have some money there when they're old enough to need it.

PandaEis Wed 30-Sep-09 00:58:02

TBH milk i would be tempted to put money in a card and be done with it. if she asks you why then tell her it is tosave her the energy of returning unwanted gifts when she is quite obviously wanting the money instead!!

you are definitely not being selfish as it isnt as if you said you were not going to get them anything at all.

i have an agreement between myself and a good friend that we both only give 'family' cards until our kids are older. it gets very expensive and i work full time and have no money spare and she is a single mum on benefits so has little to no money aswell. gifts arent important its the thought that countssmile

Geocentric Wed 30-Sep-09 01:03:18

Def not being selfish! And I agree with Thumbwitch and Panda - as they probably won't even remember what you gave them, just give them some money for their savings...

diddl Wed 30-Sep-09 07:57:32

Perhaps not selfish, just an odd suggestion, IMO.

Is it worth suggesting that you stop buying as they get so much?

Or a very small present/sweets/chocolate.

Or buy at Easter instead?

scaryteacher Wed 30-Sep-09 08:09:25

Having a January birthday myself, I see what you mean, and it seemed a very long time when I was akid from January to Christmas!

If she took your present back last year, then I wouldn't bother buying one this year, just give a cheque or a voucher (book tokens encourage reading!). Imo returning a present for cash is the height of bad manners. When friends have done that to me, or given the gift to someone else because they admired it, I haven't bothered buying for them again.

FimbleHobbs Wed 30-Sep-09 08:10:53

I think your suggestion is a good one but it needs to be the parent's idea really. DS birthday is soon after Christmas and if people (grandparents usually) ask what he'd like I sometimes suggest they wait until summer and get him an outdoor toy.

Your friend sounds a bit bonkers. I would just drop it and buy them something small each. Or something personalised with their names on - like to see her return that to the shop wink

FlamingoBingo Wed 30-Sep-09 08:12:46

YANBU and not being selfish in the slightest. Very sensible and thoughtful - unlike your friend who is rude enough to return a whole load of presents to the shops shock. Why should she expect you to bother choosing something for her DS's to open, that they won't even get if she considers it's worth more as cash? hmm

tallulahbelly Wed 30-Sep-09 08:18:54

Buy something from M&S now and by Xmas she won't be able to take it back because they've changed their returns policy to 28 days.

I'm sure they'd like socks or pants. My dad never complained.

ChunkyKitKat Wed 30-Sep-09 08:27:38

YANBU, maybe it seems to her that you don't care about her boys missing out? Considering the amount they get, it doesn't make sense. She seems sensitive to the idea that someone would deprive them, that's how she sees what you've suggested.

An easter present sounds fine, I would be happy with that, I wouldn't expect anybody to buy a present for my dcs anyway, if they do it's nice.

It's meaningless if they get so much they are just chucking stuff to one side anyway.

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 30-Sep-09 08:28:01

My birthday is 2 weeks after christmas and my parents used to do this with me! I understood and was more than happy (from a very young age). I used to get a summer toy such as a bike, paddling pool - whatever - and a number of relatives etc did the same. We celebrated my 'half birthday' in july (which strangely is now my DS's birthday but Im going off on a tangent).

I dont see why this is odd at all. In light of her behaviour it certainly isnt strange!!! Why not tell them you will take them to a farm park/ other place in the spring when the weather is nicer and get them something tiny which is related to that for christmas.

I think her rant at you is absolutely disgusting.

mrsjammi Wed 30-Sep-09 08:28:21

Message withdrawn

ChunkyKitKat Wed 30-Sep-09 08:29:43

Just read Scaryteacher's post, alternatively a book tokenat Christmas would be a good idea, they could keep it and spend it in April.

valhala Wed 30-Sep-09 08:45:33


How rude! I'm sitting here shaking my head in amazement!

Rude to return presents in exchange for cash, rude to call you selfish, rude to be ungrateful at your suggestion and rude to expect you or anyone else to buy her DC a present.

A gift should be something offered voluntarily and received with gracious acceptance, there should never be an assumption that it will be provided.

I'm with Fimble - buy the boys something personalised and see if she can take that back to the shops and get her money back! Tbh, this sounds like the type of "friend" who would quickly be deleted from my Christmas card list!

LaurieFairyCake Wed 30-Sep-09 08:51:51

I wouldn't engage with that at all and I'd be grateful that you don't have to buy anything by putting a tenner for each of them in a card.

That way she has the money to spend on whatever she likes - hopefully it will go in their savings account.

in fact that's a good idea - start a savings account for them and just pay money in for birthdays and christmas - to have when they're 18 (and make sure she can't access it by naming the kid and you)

groundhogs Wed 30-Sep-09 10:19:31

I'm with valhalla... she is rude, she even took your gift back and has the cheek to have a go at you?

My DS birthday is mid december, so days before christmas. I do try to have a bit of space so he does understand birthday, and then christmas.

OK so he was 3 last year, so still hadn't got the gist of it... about a week after christmas day, he sat down in the middle of the floor and said, can we open more presents now? That took some explaining/wiping of tears etc.

So I've decided that we can celebrate Easter a little more, get him a present or 2 to space things out.

I do think your friend is very silly and very shallow, she doesn't appear to deserve the friends and family she has. I'd be tempted to take a massive step back from her and just give cards, vouchers etc.

I wouldn't want to be godparent to any of her DC, she'd send back the christening gift for sure, or melt down any silver stuff bought for them.

starwhores Wed 30-Sep-09 10:23:27

Adopt a goat for them both, or an endangered animal where they receive updates.

tootiredtothink Wed 30-Sep-09 10:35:08

shock that people are obviously giving her the receipts so she can do this. How does she do that?

Incredibly rude and selfish of her.

Although in your position I'd suggest you both stop buying for each others children as you can see she doesn't want the presents they do get.

hullygully Wed 30-Sep-09 10:36:33

Taking the presents back? What a GREAT idea.

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