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to seriously worry about a friend of mine?

(61 Posts)
NewbeeMummy Thu 24-Sep-09 12:28:46

I have a friend who is in the politest term clingy. I’ve always known she was a bit odd, but felt sorry for her as she doesn’t have many friends, and when she first started working at the company I am at, we were in a male dominated department, and she clashed with the few other females there.

To give you an example, I work away from the office on a frequent basis and will occasionally only be in the office 1 or 2 days a month, she'll book lunches in my diary for those days and get really stroppy if I suggest anyone else joins us.

Recently I had a lovely presentation from work as I'm off on my maternity leave in 2 days and she was out of the office when the card did the rounds her comment was "I can't believe they never got me to sign it, especially as I'm your only friend in the office" (she was really upset by this and sent me a 2 page email) Now I have lots of friends in the office and have always been generally well liked.

When I fell pg she had just split up with her bf of several years, as she didn't want children and he did, but once she found out I was pg, she started saying she wanted children and tried desperately tried to get back together with her bf, but he wasn’t interested.

Because I knew I wasn’t doing too well with my pg, she was the first I told, basically I didn’t want her to think me saying, “I can’t do lunch as I’ve been throwing up all day” was a lame excuse, because otherwise she would then phone and rant at me for ages. Her first comment when she found out was “well you could always have a termination.” She knows I’ve had two miscarriages so why on earth would she say something like that.

She has now been dating a number of people she has met on websites and is from what I’ve been told is “putting out” on the first date and deliberately piercing the condoms so she may fall pg.

And she has, in quite a threatening manner, said to me you better let me know when you plan your second one so we can be pg at the same time.

Sorry this post is dragging so I’ll get to the point….
In the last few weeks she’s made comments about stealing my baby when she’s born (due in 4 weeks) and made some comment about watching my back when about a month ago there was the news story about a pregnant woman who had been killed and her unborn baby cut out of her.

Should I be worried about these comments, am I over reacting to something that I should be seeing as a joke?

paranoidandconfused Thu 24-Sep-09 12:32:16

tbh she sounds like a bit of a loon!!

Maybe once you start your maternity leave you should change your phone number and email address and freeze her out


confront her about the behaviour and say that her comments about her stealing your baby have made you feel uneasy

MoonTheLoon Thu 24-Sep-09 12:34:19

She sounds like a nut job AVOID AVOID AVOID!

AMumInScotland Thu 24-Sep-09 12:40:50

Do you see her outside of work? Does she have your address, phone number etc? She does sound very odd and obsessive, and I would do everything possible to distance myself from her.

If you don't see her outside of work, and are going on mat leave anyway, then that'll put a bit of distance between you.

But you shouldn't allow anyone to "rant at you for ages" - you need to make her understand that she is just a colleague, and does not have a right to your time and attention.

beaniesinthebucketagain Thu 24-Sep-09 12:40:58


tbh i find that all a little scary especially the last bit, please detach yourself, she sounds toxic and doesnt seem to bring anything positive in your life!

Hassled Thu 24-Sep-09 12:43:08

She sounds seriously nuts. Put as much distance as you possibly can between you - I woudl stop responding to emails, texts etc.

Drusilla Thu 24-Sep-09 12:44:04

Who told you that she is deliberately piercing condoms?

fruitshootsandleaves Thu 24-Sep-09 12:44:27

Can you talk to HR? Perhaps she has a leeetle bit of history?

Ewe Thu 24-Sep-09 12:46:40

I would probably be quite concerned if she had my address, she sounds absolutely fucking nuts. Maybe ensure that your HR team or whoever holds the info doesn't give your personal details to her.

Then change your number. She will find someone else to latch on to soon enough!

anniemac Thu 24-Sep-09 12:48:17

Message withdrawn

wannaBe Thu 24-Sep-09 12:49:45

"felt sorry for her as she doesn’t have many friends," can't imagine why. hmm

Seriously though she sounds like a nutter and I would get rid. If she doesn't have your address/telephone number and you don't socialize outside of work, I would keep it that way and distance yourself over the period of your maternity leave. But if she knows where you live etc then I would be straight with her and A, not let her monopolize your time, and B just tell her that you're busy at the moment and really don't have time to spend with her, then just let the whole thing fade away.

NewbeeMummy Thu 24-Sep-09 12:54:13

Thanks all, I have wondered if she was slightly unstable, but figured I was probably just over reacting.

Sadly she does know where I live as her bf dropped me home after a xmas do, she has been known to arrive unnanounced at the weekend (I must confess to having hidden upstairs on the odd occasion she has done this, because I just can't cope with her) On one occassion after arriving unnanounced we had to tell her we were going out in order to get her to leave after she had been there for 6 hours! She then waited for us to actually leave the house before she left our road. The weird thing is once she's there she just sits in silence and startes at you.

Another thing I didn't mention, is that she has started imitating me, about 9 months ago she was moaning about her hair and I recommended my stylist (this was pre her becoming odd and obsessive) she now has her hair cut exactly like mine, and on more than one occasion has gone and bought the exact same suit after I have worn a new one to work, everyone at works jokes about it, to my face, but behind her back (as she has an awful temper) and I try to laugh it off but it is a bit creepy.

I really worry that she's going to constantly just arrive on my doorstep while I'm off with my new lo, and I have started putting fake guests in my diary so she thinks i have people round as that seems to be the one thing that stops her arriving.

Changing my phone number isn't really an option as I have a work one, and all calls from our office show as being from only one number (reception) so I can't specifically ignore her calls. Although I have told my other friends at work to give me a missed call from their mobile and that I'll call them back, so hopefully that will help that situation a bit.

BitOfFun Thu 24-Sep-09 12:55:24

This sounds like the plot for a novel. Not a very good one either!

NewbeeMummy Thu 24-Sep-09 12:57:13

Drusilla - she made a comment about making sure that protection didn't work, and one of the girls (who I have no reason to not believe) mentioned that she (the nutter) had commented that she was doing it.

Ewe Thu 24-Sep-09 12:57:20

Jesus, she really does sound crazy.

Blessings4 Thu 24-Sep-09 12:58:14

Unstable needy jelouse drain at best - stalker/violent at worse

TrillianAstra Thu 24-Sep-09 13:00:20


You can't just avoid her, you have to speak to her and tell her what it is about her behaviour that is making you want to distance yourself.

TheProvincialLady Thu 24-Sep-09 13:00:25

There certainly lots of crazy people. I know someone who makes stuff up and puts it on the internet.

lavenderkate Thu 24-Sep-09 13:00:44

Newbee, you're obviously a really nice person.

perhaps those comments were just a wierd sense of humour?
can you speak to anyone else in the office in private about it?

Getting someone else's opinion who knows her might help reassure you ?

I would gently extract yourself from the situation.

mmrsceptic Thu 24-Sep-09 13:01:14

Stalker. Start writing things down and go to the police with a few polite questions on how to handle it. Don't need to name names but they will give you good advice.

mmrsceptic Thu 24-Sep-09 13:02:29

provincial do you think hmm

NewbeeMummy Thu 24-Sep-09 13:02:57

BitOfFun I really wish it was...

I'm hoping that by just ignoring her while I'm off she'll take the hint.

(or even better is she turns up unexpected when the MiL is visiting who will in no uncertain terms tell her to erm... take a long walk on a short pier IYKWIM)

I'm guessing I'm going to have to bite the bullet and have this out with her, it;s just one bit of stress I really don't need/want right now, but I guess it's only going to get worse if I don't

JustAnotherManicMummy Thu 24-Sep-09 13:03:14

She sounds socially inept(sp??) rather than dangerously loony.

But, if you don't like her don't socialise with her.

If you had a rubbish boyfriend you'd dump him, so why keep a rubbish friend hanging around?

Also who has been telling you things about her? I think if people were gossiping about me behind my back I might be a bit needy and clingy too.

catsmother Thu 24-Sep-09 13:03:20

God, you poor thing ..... this would terrify me. I really don't want to alarm you further but if you're not doing so already, I would keep a diary of all this stuff because to my mind this is verging on harassment and/or stalkerish behaviour (if it isn't already). If it escalates, or indeed, simply continues, and you need to seek legal and/or police advice, I'd think you'd get further sooner if you have a "background" documented, as opposed to making a complaint "fresh" - if you see what I mean.

Sorry if that sounds a bit melodramatic but I don't think it'd do any harm to cover your back. I really hope she leaves you alone so you can enjoy your maternity leave in peace.

MrsSantosisafeminist Thu 24-Sep-09 13:03:58

Maybe she is just a sad lonely lady with mental health issues and no threat to anyone but herself.....probably.

But, stalking is a real problem and women stalk women too. I would be inclined to tell HR in writing what has been happening. Dates, times etc would help. Do you have anything written which you could show to substantiate what you are saying? I would also suggest an informal word down at your local police station. Joking about murder is a bit weird but some people do have a rather grim sense of humour. Combined with her other behaviour, I would not take it quite so lightly.

I don't want to be alarmist. The chances are she is just rather peculiar and unhappy but this is not a time in your life when you need that kind of stress. A friend of mine was stalked by and XP and it was pretty traumatic.

I hope you get things sorted out smile

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