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to be this angry with dh!

(53 Posts)
canella Tue 11-Aug-09 19:17:56

background to tonights huge row - we've recently moved to germany (dh is german, i'm british) with our 3 dc. When we lived in the UK i worked 3 days but organised everything - school/nursery stuff, sport lessons, music lessons, holidays, appointments with dentists, doctors etc. just all the normal stuf but dh never had to do any of it - more cause i never asked him too because i was at home more so i could manage it (he worked really long hours).

fast forward to now - we've been here 5 months - i'm not working because my german isnt great - good enough to do the shopping, chat with neighbours, friends, sort out easy stuff at school and kindergarten but still not great. I'm not shy about trying to speak it but just worry about doing important things cause i dont understand that level of german. got lessons booked though - they start in 6 weeks!

so today ds1 (4.10) has a really strange lump on his gum - bigger than a pea but really squidgy. We were discussing me taking him to the dentist tom - i'd already asked dh to phone to make an urgent appointment but he didnt do it. So i said i'd phone in the morn but that maybe because it looked so serious then dh should take him. well he started having a go about how i'm the one thats at home all day and why did he have to be involved!!!!!!!!

1. its also his son
2. we're in a country where i dont speak the language so well
3. it could be serious

i understand that our roles have changed hugely and he's not used to taking responsibility for sorting out kids stuff but is it unreasonable that he sorts it out until my language skills improve?

ps its not the first time he's said this - he's making me take all 3 dc alone for their assessments at the paediatrician (compulsory here!)

saadia Tue 11-Aug-09 19:20:26

yanbu at all

Overmydeadbody Tue 11-Aug-09 19:21:53


3littlefrogs Tue 11-Aug-09 19:22:11


Why should he not be "involved" with his own son?

ilove Tue 11-Aug-09 19:23:20

I think YABU, yes. After 5 months I'd expect you to be able to deal with the day-to-day stuff, especially in a country where they all speak very good English if you get stuck!

mumoverseas Tue 11-Aug-09 19:23:36

yanbu, yes, you are at home all day so COULD do it but when it is important stuff involving the DCs health you really need to be able to communicate effectively and fluently. He needs to be sensible about this.

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 11-Aug-09 19:23:36


Work on improving your german. What language do you speak in the home? If it's english, swap to german. You'd be amazed how quickly your german would come on if you immersed yourself in it totally.

mankymummymoo Tue 11-Aug-09 19:24:19

oh god. i was in your situation, but in france.

please, please, please sit down and talk to him now and agree on the way forward.

in the end this sort of thing destroyed my relationship.

he needs to understand that temporarily you need some help with day to day things.

MissGreatBritain Tue 11-Aug-09 19:24:24

no yanbu. He should be helping you as much as possible - maybe he thinks that throwing you in at the deep end will help you, but as you say this is important and you would think he could put the effort in.

I think your priority is to learn the German word for "tosser" quite frankly.grin

canella Tue 11-Aug-09 19:24:32

should i show him this thread?????

he just thinks that he doesnt need to be involved because he never needed to be in the UK - he never went to one appointment at the dentist or doctor - granted because he worked long hours and i was more than capable of sorting it out.

but he's not working long hours now - he only works 10 mins from home in the same town the dentist is in and i am not capable here!!

choufleur Tue 11-Aug-09 19:25:10

No. dealing with medical stuff is not the same as shopping etc. No idea what germans' english skills are like but i doubt everyone speaks good enough english to explain medical stuff to you.

notbeingfunny Tue 11-Aug-09 19:25:37

Could it be an erruption cyst?

choufleur Tue 11-Aug-09 19:26:48

agree though that you should try to speak german at home if you don't already so that you get more fluent.

canella Tue 11-Aug-09 19:28:54

ilove - i said in the OP i am able to deal with the day-to-day stuff but this is more than that.

missgreatbritain - i am in the deep end every day and it really doesnt bother me but when it comes to the childrens health it worries me i'd miss something the doc/dentist said. i really dont know that kind of german! but Wischer seems to be a good translation of tosser i think!

hecates - we speak english at home but the kids speak german to him (most of the time!)

canella Tue 11-Aug-09 19:29:42

notbeingfunny - no idea what it is! its not painful but looks really red and angry!

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 11-Aug-09 19:29:44

then my advice would be to switch totally to german. It will really help you.

ZZZenAgain Tue 11-Aug-09 19:30:02

it's Wichser you're thinking of canella.

ZZZenAgain Tue 11-Aug-09 19:31:07

would he have to take time off work to come to the dentist? Maybe his employers wouldn't be understanding of that.

canella Tue 11-Aug-09 19:37:45

thanks zzen - told you my german was shite!!!

not asking him to take time off - just to get an appointment at the end of the day. dont think its a huge problem to take time off - we've been to the bank a few times to sort out the mortgage in work time. he's an Oberarzt in a little hospital so dont think there's much trouble really.

canella Tue 11-Aug-09 19:40:00

oh and the appointment that he wont come to at the paeds doc is at the end of the month when he's off. he says he doesnt want to spend his free time at appointments!

think he just liked things the way they were in the UK where i did it all!! i'll be happy too when my german lets me do it all!

ZZZenAgain Tue 11-Aug-09 19:41:55

so what are you going to do?

Don't call dh a Wichser btw to his face. Really don't.

I suppose you either have to :
a) enlist the help of a German friend until you are more confident
b) call the dentist and ask if they would be able to explain things in English if you cannot understand
c) put your foot down and insist that dh come along.

mamas12 Tue 11-Aug-09 20:25:20

Dear dear I feel for you
Sit him down and explain the consequences of any kind of misunderstanding e.g. agreeing to something you and he would not want.
Anything could happen, I am exactly like this in these circs and it is just common sense to have you dh there.
It is temporary while you are learning the language and he needs to step up or you and your kids will suffer

ps what about any of his family are they totally bilingual

canella Tue 11-Aug-09 20:30:13

oh had no intention of calling him that - wouldnt call him the english either!

we've not spoken all eve now - i was so angry with him and think i felt humiliated because i'm really trying - i've made german friends, i sort out loads in the day but this time i asked him and he wouldnt help.

guess i'll just have to go along and hope i understand whats going on! its not possible for the friends i've got to come with me tom although maybe one of them can look after ds2 while we go. just feel sad that he's got his own way - worry that if i let him away with it once he'll do it everytime.sad

WinkyWinkola Tue 11-Aug-09 20:32:19

Yanbu. It takes a long time to adjust to living in another country and to feel confident in dealing with this kind of thing.

Your DH should be happy to help you. Weird that he's not.

The dentist may speak great English mind.

mamas12 Tue 11-Aug-09 20:35:12

I would get on the mobile phone as soon as you walk in the door and ask the doctor to talk to him and then see what a farce that is.
Really, ring him while you're there and ask him to speak to the doctor/dentist about something as you don't understand.
Even better ring him and then don't speak just hand the phone over to medic.
He is being selfish isn't he.
How horrible for you.
How would he feel if you took a flight back home to see someone in your first language.

Sorry I'm ranting on your behalf now.
What an arse.

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