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AIBU..to be upset by my dh's behaviour this morning?

(76 Posts)
motherbeyond Sat 25-Jul-09 09:04:13

We have two dc.the 1st was never a great sleeper,but has settled down apart from some nights when she suffers from nightmares.
ds is a good sleeper usually, however, is teething and has a cough and a cold.
As a result i'm up at least once with him.Sometimes 2 or 3 times and if the dd has nightmares...you can imagine how i feel the next day!!
my dh goes to work at 9.30..so, if the kids get up at 7-8 am i've been trying to rest/sleep until 9 am,while he gives them breakfast.
This morning,we are all suffering from cold and coughs..and I've been up in the night again.
I asked dh to take them down..and he started shouting at me basically saying he was dying (man flu)and was i having another' lie in'?
and i should be used to getting up in the night by now and be fine to get the kids up!???angry
Like i said no one feels well, but of course,being a man,he feels much worse than us.
I feel really hurt that he obviously resents me staying in bed if i've had to be up in the night.
If it was the other way around, i would encourage him to try and recoup some of the sleep he'd lost in the night.we all now how lack of sleep can effect you.
I'm pissed off and now feel like i can't stay in bed.It's not like I'm having a fucking leisurely, lengthly lie-in!I try and get 30 mins or so to try and be able to function through the day!
he's gone back to bed now and i'm sitting here fuming.
we're supposed to be best friends,can't believe he's acted like this.
so AIBU?

franch Sat 25-Jul-09 09:06:15

YANBU

norksinmywaistband Sat 25-Jul-09 09:09:33

TBH, I think getting up at 8 am is already a lie in even if you have been up in the night.

I am on my own with 2 poor sleepers(ages 3&4) and generally get up 3-4 times in the night for toilet visits, help readjust covers, nightmares.
DS also wakes at 5.30 til 6
I have no help and I manage.

So yes YABU, he doesn't feel well either and this seems like a very regular occurence - Can you not agree to having a longer lie in once a week?

franch Sat 25-Jul-09 09:14:00

Hang on though norks, they're both unwell and only one of them has been up in the night. So why should the one who's had a broken night be the first one up??

PrincessToadstool Sat 25-Jul-09 09:16:04

norks why should her DH not help though?

sleeplessinstretford Sat 25-Jul-09 09:19:57

we alternate our lie ins-will the half an hour really make that much difference?

franch Sat 25-Jul-09 09:20:12

"I have no help and I manage" could be used as a reason for any DH to do absolutely zero. Or indeed for mb to tell her DH to do everything: get up in the night, get breakfast, go to work, etc. There are 2 parents in mb's household, so the parenting is a shared responsibility.

jeminthepark Sat 25-Jul-09 09:20:26

He might say sorry for being grumpy with you later on? Then you could negotiate to have a kip in the afternoon?

motherbeyond Sat 25-Jul-09 09:21:39

I feel sorry for you norks, that's not a great situation for you.The thing is this a diffrent situation as i am not on my own,so why should it be one sided?! as franch points out,it's only me who gets up in the night and no one feels well...feel like my head is in a vice actually!!
if it was my husband who had to get up in the night, i can just bloody imagine the scenario!we'd never hear the end of his woes!! truth is,i have shouldered 99.9% of the night time childcare all along because it's eaie to do that than put up with the alternative.him.tired.nightmare!...i've sheilded him from it,and this is the thanks i get?angry

franch Sat 25-Jul-09 09:21:52

Oh I think when you're sleep-deprived every minute counts, sleepless

Supercherry Sat 25-Jul-09 09:35:10

YANBU

motherbeyond Sat 25-Jul-09 09:37:37

i agree! 30 mins can make the difference between feelie like a zombie and semi-human!
also jemininthepark..he knows i find it hard to sleep when evryone is up and running around, throwing balls etc...so a pm sleep is out

norksinmywaistband Sat 25-Jul-09 09:41:39

I do agree that there are 2 of you, but in your OP you said that this was a regular thing. You are both ill so he is maybe just a bit grumpy this morning.
Or do you resent the fact that you get up in the night anyway - have you spoken to him about this?
I think that if these feelings are not just liked to you all being ill then you need to have a serious discussion about what level of support you need on a regular basis, but from the outside he probably feels that doing breakfast and getting up every day with the children offsets you being up in the night

nickschick Sat 25-Jul-09 09:42:04

I had a dreadful 3rd ds - he slept 3 hours in 24 sad and bcos dh was working and doing extra work and I was only doing 3-4 evenings a week I did do all the staying up at night- that was different that was 'team work'- you are ill and you need rest as much as him - when he gets up -go back to bed,let your standards slip for a few days- rest and get well-I think you are both ill and this is why youve had this row.

hope you feel better soonsmile.

missingtheaction Sat 25-Jul-09 09:44:14

ah - the issue at the heart of so many relationships gone sour - mine included. *'I shielded him from it and this is the thanks I get'*.

Yes, if you consistently shield something from someone they don't ever really understand and appreciate what you are shielding them from/how much of a favour you are doing them. They just see it as a right.

Just wait till you have teenagers.

motherbeyond Sat 25-Jul-09 09:56:24

nickschick..thanks for that,you're probably right...however it is just a cough and cold!it's just that for him it's man flu ,and i suspect a hangover!although he denies this, i know how much he drank last night!!grin
missingtheaction...you're SO right,I should wake him tonight when the baby wakes up and make him trudge downstairs for milk and calpol!i just don't know what would be worse,feeling tired or listning to him whinge.Plus i do feel as if the onus is on me,as he works...mind you that brings up the other argument of .. when's MY weekend..when do Ifinish work,where's My lunch hour?!!
Plus he likes to use this line which am sure will make you all laugh "but,they settle better for you"...how stupid does he think i am?!!1

tinseltot Sat 25-Jul-09 10:00:42

He is being really unfair to you.

You should get the kids ready for the day and go out and do something nice with them. Enjoy your day despite him.

jemart Sat 25-Jul-09 10:02:14

YABU - Your DH is ill so not surprising he's being grumpy, you say "If it was the other way around, i would encourage him to try and recoup some of the sleep he'd lost in the night" well if he's poorly it is the same surely?
7-8am is hardly the crack of dawn.

motherbeyond Sat 25-Jul-09 10:13:14

tinseltot..i feel like doing that..once i remove the strawberry my 18 month old has just ground into my cream hall carpet!
jemart...did you not read the suspcted hangover bit?plus 7am feels like the crack of dawn when youve been woken several times in the night and maybe just got back to sleeo at 5.30!but no, i agree if youve had a full nights sleep and wake up at 7 (like my husband) that should suffice!

pippylongstockings Sat 25-Jul-09 10:36:23

I feel for you - my DP and I had a argument talk about the very same sort of subject last night.

Our DS2 has got chickenpox - I have been dealing with night wakings all week. I always deal with both the kids in the night (DP just doesn't even hear them), our DS1 has nightmares at least once a week. Both the kids get up at 6am. I work pt. But because I have only worked 1 day this week due to DS2 being ill - DP thinks that he should have a lie-in!

I agree about the sheilding thing as it is such a routine to be getting up with therm I hardly even mention if I have been up in the night.

Try and get some-time for yourself, even if you can't sleep in the afternoon. A cup of tea, bar of chocolate and a trashy mag for an hour.

PuppyLoves Sat 25-Jul-09 10:44:30

All of you are ill and tired, isn't it to be expected that you will argue or bicker over something?

franch Sat 25-Jul-09 10:45:10

jemart - mb is ill too!!!

jemart Sat 25-Jul-09 10:51:32

I have been there and done that. Many times.
YABU still stands, don't be such a wimp.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 25-Jul-09 10:54:30

Message withdrawn

franch Sat 25-Jul-09 11:04:20

Just because you've done it that means it's reasonable, jemart?!

I too would consider 8am a good lie-in SOCD, but surely it's a question of equality and teamwork here? Why the heck should mb's DH be the one to get that lie-in when he's had a full night's sleep?

Not that everything has to be precisely 50/50, but if they're both ill and mb's done the 'night shift', I don't think she's being unreasonable to ask for half an hour's catch-up.

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