in not wanting to do house work every day of the bloody week to keep dh happy?

[Marne]

I am a SAHM, i gave up work to spend more time 1 on 1 with dd2 as she has Autism and a language disorder (shes non verbal), i knew when i gave up work i would have to do more around the house but i wanted to dedicate more time to dd2.

Dh comes home from work (he works 3 days a week) each day and moans at the mess in the house , he comments on everything i have done, he says i havn't swept the floor to his standards, i havn't hung the washing correctly, i havn't washed up correctly etc..ect..

This morning before we got up we decided to do the house work between us, i got up first, dressed the kids, did breakfast, put the washing on and began to wash-up, dh comes down and tells me not to bother washing up he would prefer if i did 'other' jobs so i started to clean the sitting room. After 30 seconds of brushing the floor dh pokes he head in to tell me i am doing it wrong and not to bother doing anything else if i cant do it to his standards.

I sit down and play with the dd's and dh goes upstairs, after an hour i go upstairs for a bath and dh is doing the ironing and starts moaning about me not keeping up with the ironing (i couldn't do it yesterday as i was on a course in the morning and spent the afternoon with dd2).

Anyway after lunch we continued arguing and now he has drove of in the car, he just phoned me to see if i wanted him to come home. I said 'only if you stop getting at me about the house work' he said he couldn't because if he came home he would have to do more house work which will make him upset again. He hung up and hasn't phoned back.

AIBU in thinking most people dont do house work every day? Our house is not untidy, just lived in. Im scaired to do anything with the dd's that might make a mess as Dh will get upset. I feel like i can't do anything in my own house.

I think dh has OCD and possible Aspergers, and i know he likes things in there place etc.. but i can't live like this.

[Marne]

Sorry for the rant

[sagacious]

His standards ???

Dear God !

Personally i would tell him to fuck off (not in earshot of your dd's though)

Soory I know thats not very helpful or a solution

[resists urge to shout leave him is hysterical harridan fashion]

[edam]

who does he think he is, your boss? Cheeky fucker. If he doesn't like the way you do the dishes, he can do them himself!

He does sound extreme (assuming he doesn't do all the housework on his own while you drop clothes/leave plates/crumbs lying around for days/hours on end).

[shootfromthehip]

YANBU- what is he your Dad? I'm with sagacious- tell him to take a running jump. If he has problems with you 'standard' of tidying up, tell him to do it himself and not mentoin it to you again. Arse.

[mayorquimby]

this thread will not end well for your husband. and rightly so

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

His standards?

Have you ever heard the saying 'if you want it done your way do it yourself'? I think you need to remind your DH of this saying.

I agree with Edam. He is a cheeky fucker. Give him a kick up the jacksie and tell him to do it himself in future.

YANBU.

[Janos]

He is being very unfair to you.

Does he acknowledge he has OCD/Aspergers or that his behaviour is/can be unreasonable?

[Marne]

I feel more relaxed since he got in the car and drove off, i should be worried as he has no where to go (no friends etc) but i think he's hoping i'm sat here worrying.

Dd1 just asked where daddy has gone so i told her he has gone for a drive as he is grumpy .

So anoyed as its valintines day, everyone else has gone out for the day but dh want's do stay in and do house work and its my birthday tommorow.

[Annya]

Blimey, what a twat. Unless you want to spend all your family time cleaning and tidying the house, it sounds as tho he will have to lower his "standards" and accept something less than perfection. You live in a house with two kids, not a five star hotel. Plus that is just so rude.

Having said that I must admit I have told my DP he's hung out the washing wrongly or not cleaned something properly so I'm sure he'd call me a bit of a hypocrite if he read this.

[laumiere]

YANBU, good grief!

I can completely understand where you're coming from, I'm on maternity leave but am electing to take extra unpaid leave to spend more time supporting DS1's language development (he's almost 3 with CP and is non-verbal) since I'm Makaton-trained. No way should the housework come first!

[lizziemun]

Can you do other things while he does the housework.

I mean

you do the washing then he irons it.

You do the shopping and cooking, paying the bills looking after that side while he does the cleaning if that would make you both less stressed.

[Marne]

He does acknowlege he may have Aspergers (our dd1 has Aspergers)

He also suffers from depression, i have tried to be understanding i really have.

I am not the tidiest person, i am happy to leeve cleaning until the end of the day when the children have finished dragging toys out and making a mess, dh likes to wash up as soon as there are more than 4 items to wash and will pick up after the dd's all day.

I hope he doesn't read this thread

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

If he wants more housework done, he can do it himself. Do you think he does have a bit of OCD and get genuinely stressed about untidiness, or does he think that his cock will fall off if he doesn't control Wifey and exact obedience over her domestic work?
Basically, did he moan about housework (or try to make you obey and defer to him in other ways) before you became SAHM or is he finding himself falling into the traditional mindset of Man=WOPH = owner of the other people in the house and most important person in the realtionship, WOman = exists to service man.

[wasaconventgirl]

If he wants things done his way - he should do them himself.

[MrsMattie]

I would tell him to fuck off.

[Marne]

I do the shopping, washing (most days), get the kids ready for school, make dd1's lunchbox, cook every day, wash up (when dh isn't here), clean the patio doors twice a week as well as looking after dd2 all day and then he comes home and does it all again because i havn't done it to his standards.

[Squirdle]

He obviously acknowledges he has some problem as he said he couldn't come home or he'd have to do more housework. Whether that was said in an accusatory way or a worried way, I don't know.

While I am totally with you on the fact that he is being unreasonable, I also think you both need to talk about this properly.

If it is some OCD thing, then suggest that perhaps he needs to take over the housework and free you up to spend the valuable time with your daughter.

I totally understnad what you mean about feeling more relaxed now he is out of the house though. I feel like that at times with DH. His thing is nagging the children at mealtimes (I think they all have a thing don't they?) Mealtimes without him are lovely relaxed affairs, with him stress and tenx#sion. I've told him this (which of course equates to me saying he is a terrible father ) but I have also said that when he uses non verbal signs to the boys, it is so much better and less stressful.

Also, let him know there is a house here which could do with some organisation if he wants to come on over

[Marne]

I would love for him to be a SAHD but i know dd wouldn't get any time spent with her and her speech would never improve .

[Dillydaydreamer]

Sorry nothing really helpful to add except that if my DH spoke to me in that manner world war 3 would break out How bloody dare he!
Remind him that children are only small for a short time and that there will be plenty of time to have the showhouse once they have flown the nest. Your dd needs you far more than the house does, the mess will get cleaned eventually but if you don't spend time with dd then her Autism will have no chance of improving. that he can't see past the end of his nose.

[Janos]

That must a very stressful way for both of you to go on Marne.

Is he actively seeking help or is his attitude this is how I am do just deal with it?

It's just if he thinks there's no problem with the way he behaves it could worse.

[mamas12]

Keep asking him to 'show me' how to do it then and just never get it and keep on asking him to show you again and agin I'm sure you ar 'doing your bit' what is his contribution towards your dcs esp. with problems.?
Sit down and ask him which jobs he wants to do and then the jobs you do are not to be inspected okay.

[Janos]

Oh, yeah, send him over to mine if he wants to do some cleaning ;)

[Coldtits]

A good way to work the "Different standards" thing is dividing the housework into "Essential donkey work" and "Pointless titivating".

So, essential donkey work would be

washing up
washing and drying clothes
Removing dirt from surfaces and floors
washing poo out of the toilet
changing the bed linen weekly
cleaning the bathroom
taking bins out
Putting things away

Pointless titivating would be

drying up with a tea towel
ironing
polishing surfaces or floors
removing limscale daily from the toilet
doing anything with ornaments except putting them in the bin
putting things in any particular 'order'

You do the donkey work one, and let him fuck about with the pointless titivating. He will SEE that youu are doing as much housework as is necessary and if the house isn't up to his gold standard then he's not doing HIS jobs.

He in no way has the right to dictate to you which housework to do, how and when. It's your home too.