My son's narcissist friend, potentially, but I smell a rat

[hashhhvi]

So much information, I don't know where to begin…
I am starting to suspect that my son's extreme behaviour, distress and growing depression recently is somehow linked to his newish friend.
My son is 17, friend 19. They have connected about a year ago over music making. My son has great talent in mixing and producing, and to my surprise, also rapping and performing. The friend, who I don't know very well, seems to have develop some dependency around my sons skills and 'signed him up' to some group and push him to perform for money. I don’t think my son see any money.
Recent events were extreme. My son runs away, smoke lots of cannabis, skip school, go out every single day till the middle of the night, often not coming home at all. Last time he was missing for 72 hrs. No idea where money for food comes from. He is angry. Simply distress, completely off the rails. And we are too. Distressed and upset to see our son suffering.
The friend, who we have his number, seems to always know where my son is and be in touch with him on a reg basis. Sometime my son stay the night there. He goes there after school. This friend seems to have a lot of patience and food in the fridge for my son…
We called the friend and said we are worried about our son and can he help to send him back home since he seems to have some influence on him.
Next think, we checked our sons Instagram (we have his computer and the account was left open). We see the conversation between the friend and my son and listened to his repeated intense voice messages urging my son to stop running away and stop “destroying” their business. He sounds so patronising, demanding, controlling and putting so much pressure. “Listen to me..” “I’m gonna cut you out..” “I’m not going to let you destroy what I am building”… telling him your parents are chasing me… you only do that, not allowed to do this, you go out only on these days, you smoke weed only on that day… blah blah blah.. maybe 10 messages were he just shouts at him and is barking orders.
That smell bad to me. My son is going through terrible times and even if this friend’s intentions are good, the attitude, voice and words he was using didn’t seem sympathetic at all. It felt as if he is more worried about himself and the "business" than my son's mental health or well being.
He wants my son to go to Bristol (we live in London) in the middle of the week to perform in some Night club at 1 am or so while he has collage the next day! And that has already happened once before, and we were sort of shock he is doing it but could not stop him. Don’t you need an ID to get into night clubs at this time of the day? (My son was 16 when it happened..
As my son’s behaviour deteriorate I’m trying to figure out what is going so wrong here and the links leads to this friend. I also learned from Instagram that the friend has lend him some money and probably getting him drugs and my son owes him £180.. (he knows very well he doesn’t work and any money he has comes from us, and probably from these shows.. now, we stopped the money a while ago when we realised it flys on drugs!)
I am scared how damaging this friendship potentially is. How can I tell if this guy is a narcissist and using my son? And more critically, what do I do to stop it,
and to open my sons eyes to this abusive relationship.
I would be so grateful for any thoughts or leads to help me make sense of this. Thank you for reading.

[Rodion]

This sounds really worrying. I wouldn't waste time thinking about narcissism or not, it's irrelevant if the man has a particular personality disorder when he's potentially behaving in an abusive way towards your son.

I'm not sure what to do though (I'm sure others will be along with advice) other than do research online for how to support a young adult/teen through an abusive relationship as I'm sure much of the advice would be applicable in an abusive friendship situation too.

[CiaoEB]

Might be worthwhile contacting family support for people with drug dependency as a first stop, if he’s spending whatever money you give him, seems angry and off the rails, disappearing for days and receiving abusive messages it’s possible he’s heading from cannabis to harder drugs or at least leaving him open to exploitation. Family counsellor might be helpful if he’s open to it.

[ImStayingInside]

This sounds very much like he could be being used for a county lines gang. Please contact the school, they will be able to help put you in contact with the right people who can provide support and advice.

[FortunesFave]

@ImStayingInside

This sounds very much like he could be being used for a county lines gang. Please contact the school, they will be able to help put you in contact with the right people who can provide support and advice.

This. I doubt it's anything to do with rap and more to do with dealing. You need support immediately to get help to extract your son.

[bunnybopbop]

I think this is a bit naive.

I highly doubt he's performing in clubs and gigs. It sounds like he's being used in a country lines gang / being trafficked / used as a runner for drugs. Which is incredibly serious and incredibly hard to get out of when you get too deep.

If you suspect this (and I do from your OP,) contact the school, police,social services.

A very similar thing happened to my little brother when he was 17. Bonded with his 'best mate' over Xbox and gaming and he ended up being turfed around Hampshire running weed. It took my parents paying people off (thousands) and taking away every single electronic gadget and changing his number to get him out of it. There is way more to this than you think.

Playing Xbox and gaming language ended up being code words for drugs and deals etc. I managed to get into my brothers Instagram out of sheer desperation and that's how we found out. (Along with the depression, anger, on edge all the time, pushed family away etc) mr brother idolised this guy. His 'mate.' His mate promised him the world and the whole thing was about running drugs.


Please take this seriously.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I agree with everyone else. This sounds very scary. You should pay this man off and cut him off from any kind of contact. Speak to the school and police.

[Saltyquiche]

Best sit down and warmly ask him how he feels about the friend, the music related pressure from his friend, his debt and the reasons behind your sons anger. Help your son find solutions but be led by him.

Be supportive, tell him how much you love him and what you admire about him.

Also give him TIC and nspcc phone number for text counselling.

You’re son also sounds unhappy and uninspired by his education. I wonder if he’s on the wrong course and needs to get some proper careers advice? This might result in dropping out of his preset course and starting something more inspiring - a specialist level 3 music course, apprenticeship or kickstart music based apprenticeship possibly?

Are there other local clubs or groups he can get involved in to expand his friendship group? Does he have good friends who he can lean on and talk to about his worries?

[crochetmonkey74]

Hi OP this is almost certainly county lines. The music angle is a known grooming topic . Call the police and tell them you suspect county lines, they have dedicated teams. Be prepared for this to be a long journey to get him clear of it. Start thinking about family and friends in other areas who might put you up for a bit.

[daisypond]

This is nothing to do with music, I’m sure. It’s county lines drug dealing. Your son is being used and exploited. It’s dangerous and serious. You need to call the police.

[daretodenim]

I'm so sorry OP because I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear but reading your post I also thought this sounds like country lines.

You need to be proactive here with school and police. You may not be able to get him out of it - it's a very difficult situation - but you definitely won't be able to if you do nothing.

Your son is being emotionally abused and manipulated by this guy. You won't be able to simply forbid him (and he's too old for that now) from going out. You need professional help here.

[Crazydoglady1980]

I agree, this sounds like county lines. You need to gain support from the police and social services. As previously said, it is difficult to get him out of this but possible, however you need specialist support.

[Kocduw]

I agree with posters that this is some form of grooming. The debt your son has is being used as leverage, and you need to pay this to remove hold. Speak to safeguarding at the college and try and keep access into this instagram because without this, you will be totally in the datk.

[DickeryDock]

First thing I thought was county lines and that’s why he was so aggressive about ‘the business’ Bristol is well known for it. You need support with this ASAP.

[GoodbyePorpoiseSpit]

Go to the police

[hashhhvi]

Thank you all.

The "friend" did tell him in his messages that he has to go to school during the week, and come home every day. He said you only go to the studio on The weekend. I know he is making lots of music and there is a proof that he performs as a video. It it's still all a bit blurry with a lot of open questions, I agree.

What is "pack"? Is it literally a pack of drugs?

[hashhhvi]

My son is at a music college, it's a selective 6th form. He wanted to go there and auditioned to get in. He is in the right school, although surprisingly he is not excited about it since he started and his behaviour got worst.

[Iamnotthe1]

Another one saying that it's potentially county lines drug running. As a teacher, there are numerous red flags here that we've been taught to look out for. Please contact his school as they will be able to support you in getting him away from this.

Getting him away from (and off) drugs will also go a long way to improving his mental health.

[crochetmonkey74]

OP, you will not understand this or sort it out on your own. The 'friend'may not even be one person, it will be a number of them.
You need to stop thinking over the small details , and call the police. Dont know about pack, could be anything. It's not important right now

[Undertheoldlindentree]

I don't know what to say except that you sound like a very concerned and loving parent. Whatever positive evidence you have about music videos etc, the distress your son is showing and the fact he has stopped telling you about what he's doing speaks volumes. It sounds as if you have the strength and determination and love to investigate and to get him out of this if necessary. If it really is music and he's at music college, he will have been sharing this with peers and lecturers and using it as evidence on his course. But he's missing lots of college. It doesn't add up.

Can you book an urgent appointment to see his personal tutor or head of safeguarding at college. If they too are concerned, it gives you extra support in going to the police or maybe they will even do the referral. Good luck and strength for the time ahead

[crochetmonkey74]

I agree with under but I would say dont wait. All college will do is listen to your worries and tell you to call the police. They may refer but it is putting in an unneccesary step that will waste time. Do it the other way round, call the police first this morning (call your local station and ask for the safeguarding team for county lines) tell them everything . THEN make an appointment with college. Time is of the essence here.

[user1471462428]

A pack is a large amount of drugs which when it reaches its destination is divided into baggies to be sold.

[LakieLady]

@ImStayingInside

This sounds very much like he could be being used for a county lines gang. Please contact the school, they will be able to help put you in contact with the right people who can provide support and advice.

That was my first thought, too.

The Children's Society and NSPCC can both advise on where to go next if you'd prefer school/college not to be involved at this stage.

[Mistyplanet]

Yes above posters have it right. You need to act now and get help from the organisation's and I'd speak to the police. A person I know got used like this from a young age and is now a drug addict and has schizophrenia. Do whatever you can to help and his dad too.

[Buzlightyear1]

Honestly due to a bit of rubbish in my past. It definitely sounds like hes being used to sell drugs. The pack is a lager amount of drugs which will be divided up. And can be called a number of things once divided. Baggie or depending on what drugs r used they may say whisky, brandy all kinda of crap. Also the video of the music there were so many young talented kids who the older ones would video doing certain things as prof of what they do. They love a kid in school or college as they use that as a exscue to. Its very sad and a awful situation for those involved and offten starts with them being kind lending money or something then they know full well you can't pay back so have you where they want you. I would speak to the police I hope he gets help. So sorry . Ots a horrible situation

[Lalliella]

I’m not sure about the county lines idea but I’m sure the behaviour is due to drugs. It happened to my brother. Cannabis completely changed his behaviour and gave him lifelong mental health issues. You need professional help to deal with this OP. Talk to the GP (quickly before he’s 18 and you can’t) and the police.