To be really disappointed by my mum

(74 Posts)
TexasTyson Fri 22-Oct-21 15:20:13

Name changed as my sister knows I'm on here.

This will be long, sorry.

I'm 35, no kids yet, not by choice. Been with DP 2 years, we want kids but we can't until I've finished a course for work next August. My sister is 30 with a 4year old girl and a 6month old boy plus a fiance. I live alone but moving in with DP soon and my sister ans family live with my mum while they sort a mortgage.

I've known for a long time my sister is my Mum's favourite. Not in a malicious way at all, I'm not the scapegoat or anything and we are a very close family, and I often make a joke of it. Mum denies it but me and my sister know its true and she knows it hurts me a bit. To clarify, I love my sister. I speak to her every day and its not her fault.

However. While it used to be silly little things like my mums Ipad code being my sister's birthday, I feel like it's been more pronounced since my niece came along and since they moved in with my mum- I totally get that this is natural, my mum adores her grandkids and my sister for providing them and obviously they all live together, but I do sometimes feel a bit left out. I'm there a lot, I live 5 mins away and I (and my mum) do a lot of childcare for the kids while sister and BIL are at work, and I enjoy it, but still do feel a bit of a pang of loneliness when I leave. Plus I do have this nagging feeling that everything is geared towards my sister and her family and that I'm just expected to go along with it.

So. Yesterday my mum and I planned a shopping trip followed by late lunch and a few drinks. We've done this lots in the past and its usually a lovely, leisurely afternoon of wine and chat, getting home at 7ish. I was really looking forward to it as I've not spent time with just my mum for ages. On Monday my mum casually dropped into conversation that she needs to be home by 5.30 as she's agreed to have my Nephew while my sister is out for dinner with her best mate, my niece and the friends little girl. My sister apparently said she wants a proper catch up with her friend, to give my niece her full attention and to not have to eat with one hand. And I TOTALLY get all of that. But I couldn't help being a bit gutted that we were cutting our afternoon short and a bit miffed that its in favour of my sister.

I feel totally torn and really guilty for feeling like this. My sister has had to cut her mat leave short by 3 months and is already back at work and she hasn't seen her friend for ages. My niece definitely deserves mummy time and my sister definitely deserves an evening off. But on the other hand, I feel like my mum kind of ditched our plans to help her out. I do a lot for my sister (and so does my mum). She is able to go out fairly often with friends and her DP and she gets free childcare. I just wanted one day to be my mums priority. And I feel childish and ridiculous for feeling like this.

Another side to it is that I can't shake the feeling that mt own kids won't get the same treatment from my mum. Not deliberately on her part, but because that's how she is with me. It makes me sad.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I know I'm being a bit unreasonable. But its better to vent to strangers then to sound like a petulant teen in real life I guess!

OP’s posts: |
PurpleDaisies Fri 22-Oct-21 15:22:41

YANBU in the slightest. You had plans. It wasn’t an emergency for your sister. Your mum should have said no, or that she couldn’t babysit until after 7pm.

Movingsoon21 Fri 22-Oct-21 15:27:00

Sorry OP that sucks. Maybe say to your mum, “ok why don’t we postpone our date as you now have other plans - how about next Wednesday and please say no if DSis asks you to babysit that day”?

Rude of your mum to accept your sister’s request when she already had plans with you. As you have a good relationship with your sister you could also mention to her and say you’d really appreciate some quality time with your mum so please don’t make any plans for that day that require childcare. Hopefully she will be nice and will understand

Taoneusa Fri 22-Oct-21 15:28:03

YANBU at all. But the family situation means that you get a little sidelined. I think you are brilliant for not taking it personally!

Biancadelrioisback Fri 22-Oct-21 15:28:37

I think it depends a bit how set in stone the 7pm finish was? Does it ever run over or finish earlier?

It sounds like your mum was trying to keep everyone happy? I do understand how you feel though.

LaBellina Fri 22-Oct-21 15:32:14

YANBU at all. I think a lot of people, myself included, would feel exactly the same way as you do. I have no other advice then to bring it up and talk about this with your mum.
If she does nothing afterwards to change the situation, it might be an option to take some distance from her. Not to be malicious but to protect your feelings.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Oct-21 15:33:21

I'm there a lot, I live 5 mins away and I (and my mum) do a lot of childcare for the kids while sister and BIL are at work

I'd be stopping this, sharpish. Your sister is totally taking advantage of your generous nature, and quite frankly, is living in a fantasy land. She needs a reality check and you need to be be selfish and focus on yourself.

Advertisement

Theunamedcat Fri 22-Oct-21 15:36:38

Yeah pisses me off like that too my mom is the same except I'm the one with the kids I had one split from her dad 6 months later a Friend asked me to go out with her I asked my mom to babysit she agreed then told me the night before she couldn't because my sister asked her to go out with her I protested because this was literally the only time I had asked in three years my sister said its not moms responsibility to raise your child while you go out and get pregnant again....it was literally the first time I had asked in three years she had never regularly watched her I even had a smear test done with her in the room ffs I had no social life full stop and I was in a relationship with her dad he wasn't a one night stand!

But apparently my mom doesn't have a favourite child 🙃

bravelittlepenguin Fri 22-Oct-21 15:37:24

I think YABU. Your mum was trying to make you both happy and hasn't cancelled or changed your plans- you just have more of a deadline for when it would end. My mum would also have done what your mum had done and I wouldn't assume it was because there were favourites in the family. Just that my mum wanted to spend time with me and help my sister if she could.

I actually think it would have been a bit weird for your mum to say no to your sister just because she has daytime plans with you.

Iloveacurry Fri 22-Oct-21 15:37:46

I would suggest you rearrange the date.

PurpleDaisies Fri 22-Oct-21 15:38:30

bravelittlepenguin

I think YABU. Your mum was trying to make you both happy and hasn't cancelled or changed your plans- you just have more of a deadline for when it would end. My mum would also have done what your mum had done and I wouldn't assume it was because there were favourites in the family. Just that my mum wanted to spend time with me and help my sister if she could.

I actually think it would have been a bit weird for your mum to say no to your sister just because she has daytime plans with you.

Except it sound like there’s a clear expectation that those plans don’t usually finish until the evening.

Shehasadiamondinthesky Fri 22-Oct-21 15:41:58

I felt angry and resentful for years being the least loved and least favourite until suddenly I realised nobody was unhappy except me so I just let it go like a cloud of butterflies.
I feel so much lighter and simply don't get involved with my family much now. I do my own thing and get involved if and only if it's convenient to me.
I certainly get more respect now because I've learned to say no and also live 3 hours drive away.

TexasTyson Fri 22-Oct-21 15:44:49

Thanks all. It was a nice day but not what we had originally planned.

7pm finish wasn't set in stone, its more that there wasn't a deadline at all, if that makes sense. Just a chilled afternoon with food and lots of wine, no looking at the clock. It changed the dynamic of the day.

I have spoken to my mum about it. I've joked, I've been calm and matter of fact. I've cried. It doesn't change so I'm just resigned to it now.

OP’s posts: |
Notaroadrunner Fri 22-Oct-21 15:44:50

YANBU. I'd have called off the afternoon with your mum. If she's willing to put your sisters night out over her time with you then I'd probably back off a bit. Did your sister know your mum had plans with you before arranging her night out? If so I'd be annoyed with her too. I wouldn't be as available to either of them and would concentrate on my own life tbh. The dynamic won't change so you may as well put yourself first, as it's unlikely your mother or sister will ever think of your feelings.

THEDEACON Fri 22-Oct-21 15:53:51

I am not my Mother's favourite child I didn't give her grandchildren and she has no interest in my step children or grandchildren I used to be upset by this but no more I won't be running after her when she needs her bum wipedthe golden girl can get on with it !

LookItsMeAgain Fri 22-Oct-21 15:56:47

Why didn't you ask your mum why she agreed to look after your sister's kids when you already had plans together? It's like when a kid gets invited to a party, and they've accepted the invite but a 'better' or 'more fun' invite comes along...then which does the kid go to? Well the first one that they've accepted of course (and I've seen countless threads on that over the years on MN).
Your mum had accepted your plans and your invite and lo and behold your sister rocks up with a more fun invite...she should have said that she wasn't available and could your sister schedule her night for a different evening instead? If that wasn't a possibility, then could you and her reschedule to a different day for your lunch and drinks. She definitely shouldn't have booked herself in for both on the same day.

LookItsMeAgain Fri 22-Oct-21 15:58:04

You need to have a franjk and honest conversation with your mum about how what she does and how she treats your sister and her grandchild(ren) is affecting your relationship with her. She should treat her children equally. No favourites.

LookItsMeAgain Fri 22-Oct-21 15:58:13

*frank and honest

Chloemol Fri 22-Oct-21 15:58:20

YANBU and I would say to your mum what you have said here, how you would like to spend time with her as before, not have to rush home so let’s change our date then to when you would need to baby sit

Then I would speak to your sister and ask her not to ask your mother for help that evening

NoSquirrels Fri 22-Oct-21 16:02:03

I assume your BIL was also out? He should be the one looking after his baby of an evening, surely?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower Fri 22-Oct-21 16:03:37

In this scenario I'd say "no problem mum, lets cancel and do another day when you are actually free"
This is a good boundary to set.
You need to adopt a take it or leave it approach.

I'd also stop doing quite so much for your sister - i'm sure she is lovely but free on tap childcare will become a status quo and you'll be expected to take her two plus your yet to be born newborn and be painted as difficult and awkward and unsisterly by ypur mum if you say no.
I'd also be fascinated to ffwd a few years and see howuch childcare support your sister offers you

TexasTyson Fri 22-Oct-21 16:04:20

@LookItsMeAgain I did as as we were heading into town. I told her I was upset and explained why. I was calm if a bit choked to my shame

She said she didn't know what to say and that it hadn't occurred to her that of mind.

Sums it up I guess 🤣

OP’s posts: |
TexasTyson Fri 22-Oct-21 16:09:57

@NoSquirrels It was a 5pm kid friendly night out with a 4 & 5 yo. BIL at work till 6.30 so mum only had him till BIL got home. BIL is great, no issues there.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower I do see your point. My sister honestly doesn't expect childcare from me, I offered when my niece came along. She never pressures me or anything and makes other plans when I'm busy or at work. I do work FT so I'm not always available.

I HOPE my mum wouldn't behave like that. She's not horrible to me or anything- just a bit more interested in my sister ans the grandkids!

OP’s posts: |
APerfectSky Fri 22-Oct-21 16:10:45

TexasTyson

Thanks all. It was a nice day but not what we had originally planned.

7pm finish wasn't set in stone, its more that there wasn't a deadline at all, if that makes sense. Just a chilled afternoon with food and lots of wine, no looking at the clock. It changed the dynamic of the day.

I have spoken to my mum about it. I've joked, I've been calm and matter of fact. I've cried. It doesn't change so I'm just resigned to it now.

I have spoken to my mum about it. I've joked, I've been calm and matter of fact. I've cried. It doesn't change so I'm just resigned to it now

I think if you've tried all of this and nothing has changed I'd be inclined to gently withdraw a little. Not like a full on strop and slamming the door behind you, but stop going over so much, stop running around after your sister and her kids and see if they come to you. I don't think I could actively chase someone who doesn't seem that bothered.

TexasTyson Fri 22-Oct-21 16:11:34

To those saying I should have rearranged, I really wish I'd thought of that before hand!

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in