To be irritated about my dh wanting to work 9 day fortnight

[Atimetocry]

My husband is a senior Civil Servant who has worked full-time from home since last March due to Covid. I work 30 hours a week for the NHS. After working from home last year during the first lockdown, I returned to the office last September. I do not work Fridays.

My dh used to travel quite a lot pre Covid, which involved some overnight stays every few weeks. I enjoyed the space to do my own thing and it worked well for both of us. He is hoping to resume visiting other offices again once restrictions lift further (whenever this happens now!). I have been really looking foward to having some periods of time to myself (our dds are grown up - one attends college full-time and the other will be moving out when she gets her first job in the next few months). I really want a return to how things were, with some space to enjoy my Fridays off work. My dh works very hard, but does not have hobbies and when he is not working, enjoys nothing more than staying at home watching sport and playing on his XBox in our living room. He does not enjoy ‘doing’ things like DIY or other activities outside the home and although he pulls his weight with shopping, cooking etc, he can often feel like a heavy presence around the home.

He has just announced today that once he is allowed to travel for work again, he wants to compress his hours and work a 9 day fortnight, having a Friday off every other week. I visit my sister who has a learning disability and lives in supported housing every Saturday (since my mum died nearly two years ago). I really value having some ‘me’ time and a chance to potter by myself on a Friday. AIBU to not be entirely happy about his new preferred work pattern? If he didn’t want a Friday off, this would not be a problem, but I think he would be upset if I suggested he took another day off instead!!!

[WildWestWanda]

Could you not use it to do something together? Lunch dates etc.

[Rtmhwales]

Wouldn't it only really be every second Friday off? So you'd still get the quiet time on the alternating ones? He's free to adjust his hours if he wants and sounds like he wants more downtime too, it just doesn't match what you have in mind for what a day off looks like.

If he's worked full time and you part time for a long time, and especially if he brings in more money doing this full time work, I'd be very aggrieved if I was him and my spouse was trying to protect their sacred "me time". Is switching to a different day off an option for you?

[tinseloatcake]

My husband is scs and wfh too, with some similar hobbies. I'm always inviting him to go on a bike ride etc. I get no time away from him except for at my own job. :)

I sympathize!

[Caselgarcia]

Poor man! He might want some me time too after working compressed hours!

[arethereanyleftatall]

I might be off the mark, but if you want to be on your own and not with your husband, then why stay together?

[MaMelon]

It’s only every other Friday - I think YABU actually. You don’t have to spend the day with him, surely? Or you could see if you could change your days at work? Or just let him faff about on the Xbox if that’s what makes him happy? If he’s not pulling his weight in the house then that’s an entirely different conversation. Maybe it’s the way you’ve written your post but you sound a little bit off with him.

[SarahBellam]

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable to want to compress his hours. If anything, COVID has made us realise there are other ways of working. And although technically you’re not unreasonable wanting Fridays to yourself he is also not unreasonable to want Fridays off. Is he taking the Friday off to spend it with you or would it be possible for you to change your day? For fun you could be really enthusiastic and start talking about big house projects you could do together - decorating, building a rockery, clearing out the garage and installing a gym…that might put him off a bit!

[Xyzzzzz]

YABU a little bit it’s every other Friday he’ll be around. I say this as someone who loves her own space and DH annoys me.

[LillithTheLynx]

You're not a horrible person at all for feeling this way, but maybe this is a sign that you are stretched too far at the moment. Obviously your DH is doing nothing wrong and I'm sure you know that. He could be very hurt if you are not careful with how you discuss this with him.

Hopefully he knows you well enough to understand - are you generally very introverted?

[murbblurb]

If you don't want your husband in the same house then your marriage is a waste of time.

[Atimetocry]

@arethereanyleftatall Ha ha, no I love him very much. It’s just we have had so much time together at home since March last year (like lots of married couples) and he is just always under my feet. I have no problem with him wanting to work compressed hours, it’s just he’s sprung it on me without discussion today. I’m sure we can do things together every other Friday and we do enjoy each other’s company! I’m probably just feeling irritated as it’s been another day of him in front of the tv with the Euros starting. He will go on walks and go out for meals and is good company. I just need a bit of time apart from him so I can enjoy his company!!

[LoveFromDeauville]

Totally normal I’d say!

[saltinesandcoffeecups]

Haha… this is a bit of a running joke in my household. DH works a crazy shift (24h on, 24h off, 24h on, 24h off, 24h on, 4d off). I traveled for work so on the road 1 week/mo.

We’ve both had these schedules since we’ve met and been married 15 years or so. I start asking him when he’s going back to work on day 3 of his 4 days off. And if I’m home too long he starts asking me when I’m traveling next.

We really do love each other, but at the same time love our independent time. It will be interesting when we retire… the divorce rate for retirees of his profession is crazy high. And I suspect it’s that the couples are actually living together full time for the first time in their marriage.

I do think you need to carve out some space and time for yourself, regardless of his work schedule.

[ButtercupSquash]

You can’t help how you feel, but don’t tell him unless you actually want a divorce.

[Freckers]

Can't believe you even have 16% on your side but would imagine that's a bit of a sexism bias.

Reframe it. Who on earth wouldn't condense their hours and do a 9 day fortnight? The fact your only objection is that it impacts on your routine says it all. YABVU.

[nettytree]

My husband has worked for 2 different companies that do this. Its great for him as he gets a longer weekend.

[MegaClutterSlut]

Yabu and I find it a bit weird. I'd fuck dh off if he felt this way about me tbh

[PacifyLulu]

Could you set up his gaming station in a different room? Sell it to him as him getting a dedicated and quite space to concentrate. He’ll still be in the house but not such a presence.

[LemonRoses]

I do a nine day fortnight. It is brilliant and makes a significant difference. If you don’t want to plant together things then ask him to take Monday’s instead of Friday’s, or a day in the week.

Alternatively, have an adult conversation about what you both want and how you want to spend time. If he’s stuck inside on a games machine, I can’t see how he’d be stopping you doing anything at all.

I think it’s helped us to plan in a few weekends away and made life more interesting. You just have to communicate honestly, if you want something.

[custardbear]

I'm looking to compress to a 9day fortnight too - I also want a day to myself - I'm planning spa days and my hobbies - my DH will sort the kids out (still at school)
I think it's natural to want me time. It's also natural to spend time with loved ones. However perhaps a money off foe him would work better?!

[luxxlisbon]

It sounds like you’re annoyed that your husband likes so chill out and decompress at home so that you can chill out and decompress at home instead?
YABU he is only off every other Friday, you still have the other one to yourself while he is working.

[BackforGood]

Think of it as a gentle practice for retirement

Y really ABVU
You do realise it is his home just as much as yours ?
I am puzzled why you think you should have 'me time' and 'your own space' but that you don't think he should have his own down time.

[custardbear]

*Monday

[ItoldyouIwastrouble]

If you were objecting to them working less hours I'd think yabu but wanting some time to yourself is absolutely not being unreasonable. As you have Sundays together can he have a different day off. It doesn't sound like he wants to do things together so there's no need for him to have a Friday. He'd get a better run on his xbox if you weren't around surely.

[WornOutWorm]

Change your day off if it’s that concerning that every other Friday you husband will be off.