AIBU to think my childhood was bad?

[Confusedandhopeless]

Hello all. First post here- not sure how to explain this, just trying to get some clarity over childhood events. I had a pretty terrible time growing up. However as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to doubt what I actually remember, and whether or not I’m making it something it isnt, and that actually my experiences are not as bad as I originally thought. I don’t want to ‘drip feed’ so I will try and explain in as simple way possible.

I was blamed for things out with my control and exposed to sexual things from a young age and just generally had a miserable time. I wasn’t ever abused, but my mother treated me as a friend and so from the age of around 6+ (possibly younger however I can’t remember before this) I was exposed to sexual things such as jokes, comments, movies etc. My mum behaved/dressed/lived in a sexual way and so I was encouraged to act and behave in a sexual way too, because I just copied her and I thought it was normal. My mum laughed when I talked about disgusting sexual things and so I thought it was funny and I kept doing it, all I wanted to do was to please me mum and for her to like me. An example of this would be me copying how her and her friends posed for photographs (things like I would push out my chest, sticking out my bum, that sort of thing). I remember my mother telling me in depth details about her sexual partners and I found sexual objects in our house, lying out in the open- it wasn’t as if I went into any drawers or anything, it was lying out in the open. At the time I thought it was hilarious and I know I shouldn’t have gone along with it but I just thought it was normal. I suppose my question is, to any mothers reading this, was that normal? Was it normal for there to be sexual comments, jokes, information etc all the time? Was it normal for my mum to walk around naked in front of me when I was a child? I was always encouraged to be sexual but it wasn’t intentional, I think it was because we had a friend relationship rather than mother-daughter. Other things worth mentioning is when I asked for advice about my developing body she laughed at my body and told me that boys don’t like ‘hairy jungles’ and the type of underwear I would wear (normal non-sexual underwear that a preteen/ early teen would wear) was always made fun of too as this is something else that apparently boys wouldn’t like. There were other things too, but I’m boring everyone now so I’ll sum it up, I feel as if I was encouraged to be sexual/sexualised at a young age. This isn’t normal, is it? I just want to clarify it wasn’t a sexually abusive way, i was never abused, it was just to make fun of me because they obviously thought that a young child posing/ making sexual jokes etc was funny.

Other things include me being permanently on edge incase I upset her- I loved her with all my heart and everything I did seemed to upset her and disappoint her. She was so ‘fun and cool’ towards other children and my friends always told me how lucky I was, but I never felt loved by her. She was the mother that would swear and make sexual jokes so they thought she was hilarious. There was a lot of name calling and emotional blackmail- I have horrible memories of my dad being physically abusive and I was always told that I might get sent to live with him because he was seen as a better parent than my mum was. With hindsight, this was purely to scare me and to make us seem like vulnerable victims. And it worked- I grew up terrified that I would end up taken away from my mum.

I grew up thinking my mother despised me, I always made her annoyed and I was just a liability in general. All my childhood memories (birthdays, holidays etc) include her either getting completely wasted to the point I needed to look after her, or doing something stupid and getting herself into trouble and me being left to try and help her. For example, at my birthday party (preteen) she was so drunk and we were kicked out of the venue and I was left to look after us and get us both home safely. At the time, I thought this was all normal, but it’s not is it? We didn’t have money for things, and she rarely got me a birthday or Christmas present and even when she did it was always something cheap from Tesco that she bought in a panic the night before- there was no wrapping or anything like that. Meanwhile for friends/boyfriends it was the opposite. And she ALWAYS found money for drinking/going on holidays. I remember being really confused when I was around 10 years old about why we didn’t have enough money for heating (i slept with my coat on) and nice food (I always had whatever was in the house, usually chocolate or left over kebab) but yet she regularly went on drinking holidays to Ibiza with her friends. The only way I could make sense of it was that we did intact have money, I just wasn’t worth it being spent on me. Please don’t think I’m complaining about not getting fancy presents, I promise I’m not being shallow, it just hurt to see how she treated me vs others. It was like she had time for everyone else and I grew up feeling like I was never good enough. I would draw her pictures, spend my pocket money buying her presents and she didn’t bother with any of them- sometimes she would call them crap. She was rarely warm or motherly, and when she was it was only when putting on a show for her friends. I did everything for her and when I didn’t, it wouldn’t get done. For example, our house was filthy-full of rubbish, dog faeces, dead flies all over the floor, and my room was never done up for me to sleep in there so I slept on the couch or in my mothers room. It was like I wasn’t even important enough for my own room to be cleared of rubbish/for her to buy me bedding or wardrobes etc. I was blamed for things out with my control, however as I’ve aged I’ve started to question if it was my fault. When I was a child, I was very quiet around her (I walked on egg shells) so I was always really annoying and not much company for her. As I got older (13-19) I would answer back when she called me names- I remember telling her I hated her and that she was a bad person and a bad mother. I feel extremely guilty about this now- does me saying this to her make me as bad as her? I said these things during arguments when she was saying things to me, so I know that I said them in anger, but I meant them and I meant to hurt her by saying it. I feel so ashamed saying that, but I just meant to hurt her back because she was hurting me with what she was saying to me.

I grew up as her friend, not her daughter. I had to give advice about everything from sexual matters to breakups to work issues, and I was always a soapbox for her to rant at about anything she wanted to, however if I tried to tell her about school or anything bothering me, she would not listen and she would tell me she wasn’t interested in my stupid babyish problems. She made me feel like I was so stupid and worthless sometimes- to everyone else she was so cool and brilliant and I still don’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for her. I remember falling off my rollerskates and one of my friends running to fetch my mum and I begged her not to because I knew she would be sleeping (she slept and watched movies all day when she wasn’t working) and she would be furious with me.

Sorry for this being so long, I’ve been really struggling with it recently and I needed an honest opinion on what other mothers think of this. Is this a normal childhood? There’s so much more but I’ve already made this so long and bored everyone to death so I’ll stop it here. I can’t ask anyone else and I was an only child so it’s hard to know what was normal and what wasn’t. I’m worried that I’m making this into something it isn’t, and that actually my experiences aren’t unusual/bad- if this is the case please tell me as all opinions are fully welcomed. Things weren’t always bad and I did have some happy childhood memories (mainly when staying with other family members) and my mum was nice to me sometimes. I remember sometimes she wouldn’t shout at me and she would make me dinner or she would buy my favourite chocolate for me, or we would sing songs in the car together, so it wasn’t all bad. And I spoke back to her and told her I hated her and that she was a shit mum (and other things along those lines)- so does that make me just as bad?

I’m so sorry again for this being so long, and thank you to anyone who read this far. I’ve been dwelling on this myself and even though I’m an adult now and I no longer speak to my mum, I’m still confused about my childhood and whether or not I’m being unreasonable to think it was bad. Thank you so much for reading and helping.

[Comtesse]

It’s not normal OP it really isn’t. No child should be treated like that. It sounds very inappropriate, unkind and neglectful. I’m sorry your parents didn’t care for you properly - you are not a bad person at all

[DameCelia]

Oh @Confusedandhopeless, you were treated appallingly badly in your childhood.
Not one thing was your fault and you didn't deserve anything but a warm, loving supportive home.
Please think about getting some help with this , maybe seeing a counsellor.
The realisation of just how badly you've been let down can trigger a lot of feelings that can be uncomfortable and difficult to deal with alone.
I want to send you an unmumsnetty hug, as one survivor to another.

[Calvinlookingforhobbes]

Op you are not unreasonable at all. Please access some counselling to talk through your neglectful and traumatic childhood. Sending you hugs

[Confusedandhopeless]

Thank you both so, so much for your kind messages. They mean so much to me I was so confused about what a normal mother-daughter relationship was like, and im not long an adult myself so I don’t have kids/friends with kids and I really didn’t know what other mums were like and if this was normal or not. I just feel so bad because I spent a lot of time with some family members who were great (honestly they were the complete opposite of what my mum was like and they were the best) so I can’t sit here and say that I spent all of my childhood in that bad environment, but even though I didn’t spend all my time with my mum it felt like her behaviour impacted me so much because of how much I loved/idolised her. I know some people have awful childhoods and have no escape but I did- when I was with my other family members (apprx 50% of the time) I would get to do sports, hobbies and have a normal childhood, so I feel guilty comparing what I went through to what other people went through because they were in that environment all the time and didn’t get to have any nice memories at all whereas I did have some happy times with other family members. Sorry I’m not good at explaining things, I’m trying so hard to type in a grown up/mature way here and I think I’m just making it more complicated. Does me telling my mum that I hate her and that she’s a shit mum make me just as bad as the way she treated me? I was old enough to know it was a nasty thing to say but I was hurting so much and at the time I did genuinely think she was a bad mum, but I can’t shake off the feeling that me saying this means I’m just as guilty as her in terms of name calling and verbal abuse etc. I started to stand up for myself and talk back to her from when I was around 13 onwards.

Thank you so much again for the help. I was terrified to post but I thought it would be good to ask on a mums website because then I would get some advice about whether this is a normal way for a mum to be. Thanks again

[DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe]

Well from an objective outsider point of view, yes it was bad. It sounds like you were a vulnerable child and you are very fortunate that you didn't suffer sexual abuse if your mother brought a string of boyfriends into your home. My mother wasn't much of a parent either, but in different ways to yours. The older I get the sadder and more resentful I feel about my childhood, although like you it wasn't all bad. It wasn't really until I had my own DC that it dawned on me how badly I had been treated as a child. My DC are adults now and I'm very close to them. I'm low contact with my mother but when I do see her she always tries to rewrite history.

I'm sorry your mother didn't care for you as she should have. Don't feel guilty for how you feel. Your feelings are valid. You deserved better.

[mummyclover]

No you're absolutely correct in the way you feel/felt. This is not a normal upbringing or childhood. This is not a loving, maternal mother. I'm so so sorry for you having the go through all of this, just know that none of this was your fault.

[longwayoff]

That's very sad and I'm sorry to hear your childhood and lack of mothering has made you so unhappy. I expect your mother experienced a similar upbringing but please seek help for yourself OP, as some counselling will help you to adjust now you're an adult. You have no blame in this at all. Please find some help. You shouldn't be so unhappy and this can change. Best wishes.

[MrsGRamsay]

You had an appalling mum - count up the times you wrote 'sexual' in your first post.

I'm glad that as a child you had good experiences with other family members so you could understand her behaviour was not normal or good.

[HunkyPunk]

Your childhood was dysfunctional, op, and abusive. Lots of people are survivors of similar and much worse experiences, so not unusual, I'm afraid, but no, not normal.

I'm sorry you were subjected to such a damaging family dynamic. Could your mothers behaviour have been the result of her own childhood experiences? Whatever the cause, it sounds as though she was ill-equipped to appropriately care for and nurture her own children.

If you feel ready to explore your past, and your reaction to it, do you think you might benefit from some counselling? It could give you the opportunity to offload and question things in a safe space.

[dontwantamirena]

Op, take a look at r/raisedbynarcissists on Reddit. You might also find r/CPTSD useful too. There's also the "Stately Homes" threads here on Mumsnet.

[HunkyPunk]

Sorry - took me so long to write that I've x posted with lots of others saying basically the same thing!

[Thenose]

"Does me telling my mum that I hate her and that she’s a shit mum make me just as bad as the way she treated me?"

Absolutely not. It's completely different. Children are not responsible for the wellbeing of their parents, but parents are responsible for the wellbeing of their children. Your mum was neglectful, at least. You're not being unreasonable at all.

[converseandjeans]

That sounds awful and I think you should focus your energy on spending time with the nicer part of the family. Try to distance yourself from your Mum. It's not normal for a Mum to be like this. Hopefully you will recover from it as you get older.

[AbsentmindedWoman]

This is upsetting to read, and I am so very sorry you had this experience. Your feelings are completely valid

[JKRowlingforever]

I'm so sorry. Your mother treated you very badly. So did mine and it can impact in different ways. I hope you get counselling. Hugs xxx

[ThirteenOClock]

OP reading that was very sad - no it’s not normal but you’re not alone. When I was in my teens I had a couple of close friends with young (in their cases), hard partying, “liberal” and sweary mums who had a more “friend” type relationship and with a similar lack of boundaries that you describe eg around sex and sharing intimate details, encouraging/finding questionable behaviour funny with friends and this being “hilarious“ etc. Also prioritising spending ££ on drugs/drink than heating or clothes for the kids.

I think this happens when the mum just really isn’t ready to be a ‘mum’ yet and is still hanging out with a footloose crowd (for want of a less pearl clutching phrase 😂) and has a flat internal refusal to give up her behavioural freedoms to be a responsible adult/role model. A free-spirit type on the surface but deeply unhappy in reality as they don’t look after the things closest to them.

I’m sure she deeply loves you, but she doesn’t sound mature enough to have given you a solid, confident base as she sounds too self-absorbed and maybe didn’t have this base in place herself, let alone knowing how to imbibe this in others. You being her crutch as her child, instead of it being the other way round further illustrates this.

What happened is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection of what to me - a total outsider (& with limited info & may be wrong) - seems like a very immature woman who had a child she wasn’t psychologically ready for - and probably still viewed herself as a child and just buried her head in the sand and treated you as a peer. It’s not about you, this is all about her.

You experienced the consequences of her not positioning herself in her natural place as a guiding force in the relationship and acting with appropriateness or decorum.

You sound like such a lovely and intelligent woman, if you wanted to speak to someone to help process things then counselling might help. However you move forward I wish you every happiness and success (sorry for the essay!)

[Merryoldgoat]

Oh OP - that’s very upsetting and I’m sorry you had to suffer those things.

Your mother was abusive and neglectful. You did nothing wrong. You were a child who didn’t deserve that treatment.

[Jericoo]

I'm so sorry you went through all that, it sounds horrifically abusive

[Babyroobs]

Sounds awful op. What is your relationship with her like now ? Have you ever discussed with her how you feel?

[Defenbaker]

YANBU - it sounds like you had an unusual and upsetting childhood, and looking at the voting everybody else agrees. It seems that your mother was not ready to be a parent, and was too self absorbed to realise how much she neglected you. It's good that she occasionally made an effort to be kind to you, but from what you say this didn't happen very often. Feel no guilt OP, she was the adult in the relationship, you were her child, so the onus was on her to nurture you and meet your needs.

All that said, although you sometimes felt you hated her, and possibly still feel that way, it's also possible that you still love her, on some level, deep down. Feelings for a parent can't be turned off like a tap, no matter how badly the parent behaves, so you're bound to feel conflicted about your mother. You might need to work through all these complex feelings with a counsellor, to be able to lose some of the emotional baggage that you're carrying around.

Be kind to yourself - you were not in control of your childhood, and have every right to feel that your mother let you down.

[notanoctopus]

No it is not normal and you deserved better. As for how she was around others, it's easier to put up a false front for short periods. If you're being attacked, sometimes you retaliate, so I would make peace with yourself over names you called her - they came from a place of deep hurt - hurt caused by your mum.

[Soletsgotothepubearlierthen]

not normal. As a positive said the stately homes thread on the relationships board could be helpful. Sadly you're not alone in these experiences

[jackfruitz]

Your childhood sounds similar to my DH whose mother was similar to yours. She brags about how open she is with her sons but I think it’s inappropriate to be discussing your sex life with your children (she would bring home random men at the weekends and he would hear her having sex and wake up to a different man in the morning). I would consider counselling to help with your mental health but also google co-dependent parenting which fits a lot of what you have described (here is a link). I am so sorry about your childhood but what you have described is not normal and is a form of abuse.

[Teirsforfears]

@Confusedandhopeless

No you’re not as bad as her for saying she is a bad mother. You were just being honest, she wasn’t a good mother you you. I’m sorry OP, this was an abusive childhood. Are you still on contact with her now? Do you have any real life support?

[Moominmama5]

So sorry to read about your childhood. As other posters have said you’ve been neglected at best and a victim of neglect and abuse at worst. YANU and I hope you have the relationships you are worthy of in the future. You sound lovely and would make a fab mum yourself in the future.