My husband says I'm a bore...

[insertoriginalusernamehere]

Since having my last child just before lockdown I've been feeling REALLY overweight and down about it, so I decided a fortnight ago to join a (virtual) weight loss group. My husband said he would do it too, although obviously not the meetings. We worked out his points.

We are both usually big drinkers so we've managed to get that under control (obviously I couldn't when pregnant etc so my part for that was easy) and now the next stage is weight and exercise.

Earlier this week I discovered DH has been not only eating the lunches I've made for him to take to work, he's also been having a shop bought sandwich and biscuits too. Obviously I was disappointed but I actually wasn't totally bothered because fair enough it's his life.

Tonight he's been moody and I asked him why, he said he's fed up of hearing about what we can and can't buy/eat and he's being controlled.

I've taken that really badly. AIBU for trying to do something that I desperately need to do FOR ME?

I do all the cooking so he doesn't have to do anything to accommodate me in that respect. I am a trained chef so it's not like he's eating salad and dust.

He's literally just flipped out because I said we shouldn't cover our meat in Nando sauce because actually we still have to remember it has points in it.

He's in every other way an amazing husband and this is actually the first proper row we've had in years.

[Peanutbutteryogurt]

He doesn't need to do the diet too. Let him do what he wants with his food and focus on yourself

[imissthesouth]

Don't force him to follow the diet too, this seems to be his main issue. Good on you for trying to lose weight though, it's not easy but the results are worth it!

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

He sounds like he is being a bit rude to you but I can understand how he might feel on one of the weight loss programmes I think you are talking about as they can be restrictive. He might be more suited to calarie counting as you can eat whatever you.like as long as you are in a calorie deficit

[IsaLain]

Being really restrictive wont work long term. You wont be able to keep it up and once you've reach your goal, you will binge lole crazy.

You need to work on a slow and steady approach of managing your portion sizes,.choosing fleshy options, not snacking but still occasionally having a treat meal like nando's chicken dish or whatever.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You’ve got the zeal of the new convert but he’s not there yet so just focus on your own meals and leave him to sort his. It’s fair enough to be upset at his outburst so just say you’ll sort your own stuff from now on, it’s not punishing him, just divvying up responsibilities. He’s feeling got at and diets can be boring as shite. If and when he’s ready to join your plan or find his own approach to better health that’s a bonus for both of you.

[dreamingbohemian]

A lot of people don't like points-based dieting for this very reason, it seems like it sucks the joy out of life. I can see how having someone remind you (how often?) about keeping to your points would start to feel controlling. He absolutely shouldn't call you a bore but he's not unreasonable to not want to stick to this particular approach.

My suggestion would be to stick to your plans but let him supplement it if he really wants to, e.g. with sauce or whatever.

[Beautiful3]

He doesn't need to do the diet too?! Could you put sauce on his and not yours??! Seems a little unfair to make him eat the diet version. I find intermittent fasting 5:2 really works well for me. Thats 500 calories on 2 days. Which I save for dinner, 500 pretty much allows most meals. The other days I follow the set calories calculated from the app my fitness plan. I entered my age, height and weight. It calculated I should have 1200 calories. So I do 1200 on the other days, which is plenty for me. Also I find that diets are hard to stick to, indefinitely. Where as the fasting only occurs twice a week. It doesn't feel as difficult to maintain.

[M0mmyneedswine]

He shouldn't have been rude but its clear he doesnt really want to follow your eating plan, make the healthy meals then if he wants to put sauce on or have extra thats his choice. Good luck with your weight loss

[Thislittlelady]

If he’s fed up let him eat what he wants he’s a big boy, let him make his own ‘suitable’ dinner. Then when you start getting fitter he’ll sheepishly want to join you....

[BlueSlice]

I said we shouldn't cover our meat in Nando sauce because actually we still have to remember it has points in it.

He’s obviously not bothered about following the plan. Just say “none for me thanks” about the sauce and leave him to get on with it. You can still diet without him joining you.

[TheFlis12345]

Does he actually need / want to lose weight?

[80sballetgirl]

Just concentrate on yourself, make your own choices & leave him to it! Good luck!

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

He obviously doesn't want to diet, he can put sauce on his meat if he wants to, doesn't mean you have to.

Don't force him to follow the diet.

[Aquamarine1029]

Agree with pp. You've got to back off with all this points nonsense and restrictive eating. If you're happy with it, wonderful, but your husband is an adult and can eat what he likes. His weight is his problem to sort out.

[BrowncoatWaffles]

You do you, let him do him. The fact is if you start looking healthier he might end up joining in more to try and ‘keep up with you’ but otherwise as long as he’s not actively sabotaging you let him do his own thing.

[Twigletfairy]

I would just leave him to it, he probably only said that to be supportive of you.

Stop making him lunches if he is eating out.

I've started changing my eating habits. As a family we all eat the same dinner I prepare, but I may add extras to the children's and my husband may make adjustments to his. I have a salad for lunch most days so my husband sorts out his own lunch.

[Ticklemelmo]

If you're doing the cooking then you cook how you like it and like others said he can make it unhealthy how he likes.

I know the feeling though, I'm in the exact same position and it's so hard to stay motivated when the OH just wants to eat rubbish (whilst also complaining he needs to lose weight. It's so frustrating!

I'm starting AGAIN today with calorie counting, we'll see how this lasts.

[Elastins]

YABU

[QuacksInTheDark]

He said he’d do the diet too, if he changed his mind he should have made that clear to you instead of seething silently and then blowing up at you because you’re trying to keep you both on plan and he’s had enough of it. YANBU op his behaviour towards you was crap.

[MitziK]

Sounds like he's hungry. Hangry, even. Maybe the WW points thing doesn't work for him like it is for you?

Just keep on with what you're doing and he can add as much sauce or extras as he likes. Like you say, it's not your responsibility.

[LordOftheRingz]

Learn from me, never ever do a joint diet, never try to monitor someones eating. They have to do it for themselves, they also are not responsible for what you eat.

Just quietly get on with your own thing. Overeating is emotional and there will be kick back if someone is needing to eat emotionally and you question it, just back off and don't comment further.

[Monday55]

He's tried it for a day or two and he has obviously realised how hard it is and is no longer interested. I'd just let him make his own meals and have his on diet. You can't change someone who's not ready to change.

I eat different from DH I cook healthy which he does eat and he tops it off with biscuits and chocolate afterwards. Doesn't bother me.

[RubyFakeLips]

YABU. Wanting to do something for yourself is great and good for you, but you've answered your own question. It's for you, not him and he obviously isn't enthused. He hasn't managed to follow it for whatever reason. Could be he doesn't care or doesn't have the willpower and is annoyed at himself. I imagine your comments about the points come across as what I understand the youth now call micro-aggressions.

My DH is a fitness fanatic, and I find it fucking tedious and full of an air of superiority. If you're behaving anything like him I think calling you a bore is quite mild. Last year he took up veganism and I was cajoled into following it too which of course lasted all of 5 minutes as I like cheese too much. After one lecture on animal fats I threw a tiramisu at him. It was that bad.

Previously I would have said it would be a cold day in hell before i wasted such a delicacy, but people managing your food is really fucking irritating!

[BluebellForest836]

He just told you that he didn’t want to do it and then you bang on about a bit of Nando’s sauce ?

I don’t think a bit of sauce is going to matter if he’s scoffing biscuits and extra sandwiches on his lunch.