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AIBU?

for being peed off with DHs social life

68 replies

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:34

OK, this is not exactly problem of the century and I may be a tad sensitive at the moment as I am 3 months pregnant and have a 2 year old to look after. But here goes, I work part time (2.5 days a week) plus 3/4 evenings at home to keep on top of work. I have a responsible job but its not what I would call stressful. My DD goes to nursery for 2 days and DH looks after her for the half day I am at work. DH is the breadwinner and works full time. We have been together for 10 years and ever since we have met he has had what I think of as a big social life. He goes out on average 2 nights a week without me which I think is alot. Before we married/had kids (3 years ago) he used to go out 4/5 nights a week so things have improved. This week (and this is a good example of every week) he tells me he is out tonight for his usual football game followed by the pub. Then he tells me has HAS to also go out tomorrow night to celebrate the news of the next baby (scan this week so only just told people). I finished work for the week today which now means he effecively won't be here again until Saturday morning - out tonight home at midnight - work tomorrow and going straight out and home late. I get this every week and its really peeing me off. I feel like the hired help just left here on my own virtually every Thursday and Friday night to baby sit. Yes I know that sounds a bit mad but that's how I feel. Its really got to me this week because he has used MY pregnancy as an excuse to go out again. So basiclly he will be out celebrating MY pregnancy with a bunch of other people. GRRRR.

I have tried and tried to talk about it but nothing changes. He just says things like "your a mother" WTF! To which I reply "you are a father" or I get "when you work full time and earn the money you will be able to go out". Clearly a ridiculous argument. The problem is most of his friends are single without kids so trying to tell him that they have different lives to him is pointless. He basically wants the best of both worlds. But I am getting sick of being left holding the baby.

To be honest there is an element of envy on my part. Even if I had the funds and the childcare I couldnt have the same social life as I just don't have the volume of friends.

I will stop now. There is steam coming off the keyboard.

OP posts:

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moondog · 27/09/2007 20:36

I don't think you sound unreasonable at all.
He sounds like a slefish twat.

forsale · 27/09/2007 20:39

he sounds selfish although I wouldnt be bothered by his social life if I were you, but then Im not 3 months pregnant and have a toddler. If my dh goes out theres nothing to stop me going out either (apart from the money obviously)

Ulysees · 27/09/2007 20:41

sorry but have to agree with moondog
He also sounds archaic.
You're only 3 months pg so get out and leave him.

Ulysees · 27/09/2007 20:42

Didn't mean leave him but leave him to it.

forsale · 27/09/2007 20:43

thought that sounded strong ulyses

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:45

Thanks for such a speedy response! I only went off to read someone elses thread for a few minutes. I have made him sounds much worse than is probably fair (and now I am sounding liek a victim). He is great in every other way but is it unreasonable to expect the going out to be cut down from 2 nights a week when you have young kids? It's just too much. I have a day of playgroups (I hate these places but DD loves it so I endure it), don't often see other people on my at home days so they are dull enough and then in the evenings I am stuck in front of the telly like some pensioner whilst my DH is lving it up. I don't want to leave him (yet ) so have any of you got any uselful tcatics for me to try and talk about this without it spilling into WW3?

Thanks again

OP posts:

Ulysees · 27/09/2007 20:45

I know glad I re-read it was sounding very militant

fizzbuzz · 27/09/2007 20:45

I think Moodog sums it up perfectly........

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:46

Ulysees - just seen you next message. I did think it was a bit strong!

OP posts:

mazzystar · 27/09/2007 20:46

you have the funds - all my worldly goods etc
you have the childcare - he's their father

and to be honest, if he wants to go out he should be prioritising going out with you as a couple

yo are Most Certainly Not being unreasonable

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:47

So I am right. He is being a twat then.

OP posts:

fizzbuzz · 27/09/2007 20:47

Why is it so important to him? Some men are just so pathetic, when their mates are more important than anything else.

Ulysees · 27/09/2007 20:48

So it's the not being with him that's bothering you?
Do you have a sitter once a week so you can go out together? If not get on maybe? Make one of the nights out you both going for meal, cinema etc??
You really have to sit him down and calmly say this isn't on. You're unhappy and stress isn't good for you when you're pg....lay it on girl!
If you want to go out yourself with friends or maybe a night class then do it.
His attitude is rather bad IMO. Sounds very old fashioned. Is/was his dad like this? He must've learnt it somewhere?

pointydog · 27/09/2007 20:49

I understand you're annoyed as your child is so young. But 2 nights a week isn't really excessive, is it? Do you actually want him to help with teh childcre stuff or do you just want him in with you?

You should make sure you get out one night a week too. Would he mind?

pointydog · 27/09/2007 20:50

why should he prioritise goin gout as a couple?

xXxamyxXx · 27/09/2007 20:51

wouldnt be impressed why dont u go out thursday and friday and leave him to babysit and see how he likes it even to a pals or family member as the pub wouldnt be much fun for you at the moment or just kick him very hard in the backside?

fizzbuzz · 27/09/2007 20:52

But if he goes out 2 nights a week, and op goes out one night a week and she seems to work one evening a week (If I understood properly), then they will hardly have any time together

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:54

was thinking of luring home tomorrow night before he goes to the pub - maybe tricky though as we are train journey away and the pub is opposite office but I am sure I can think of something. As he comes through the door I shall dash out and shout over my shoulder "have a nice night I am off to so-and so's see you about midnight. Enjoy all the excitmeent that friday night TV has to offer. Which is basically F all and I should know because I have seen it all"....

OP posts:

Hassled · 27/09/2007 20:55

Agree that he sounds like a twat - I would be livid too.

Re how you deal with it - reasoned, logical debate. Point out the stupidity of his arguments - when and if you work full-time you would still need evening childcare, plus you, like most people, would rather spend the non-work time mostly with your family. That is "normal" behaviour, not his approach. However I'm sure you've tried all this so I'm not being very helpful. Regardless of the volume of friends, what about taking yourself off to the cinema or an evening class or a swim or anything (you don't have to tell him the details) one Thursday or Friday night and booking him for babysitting well in advance? It might start breaking his routine a bit.

pointydog · 27/09/2007 20:55

2 nights a week, people! He's hardly the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Can you work at home the two nights he's out, mice?

Having three full evenings a week with your partner isn't bad going.

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:55

I work at home 3/4 evenings with my laptop and files on my lap whilst on the sofa so whilst not conducive to meaningful converstaion we are at least in the same room IYSWIM.

OP posts:

2tiredmum · 27/09/2007 20:56

Unlikely that you will be able to change his behaviour as its not really in his interest to change - he is having his cake and eating it at the moment.

Realistically your choices are: does it pee you off so badly that you'd rather be without him; or would you prefer to be in teh relationship as it is (it aint gonna change). Only you can answer that one.

Sounds like you have become a "lone married parent" - with the classic lmp dilemma. Must be very frustrating - I feel for you.

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xXxamyxXx · 27/09/2007 20:56

go for it might wake him up to what he does to you every week

pointydog · 27/09/2007 20:56

And why are you all fixated on mice going out on a Thurs or Fri just to pee him off? Why not go out on a Wed or Sat?

WildSeahorses · 27/09/2007 20:57

You mentioned lack of funds at the end of your post as a reason why you can't go out. Yet he seems to have lots of spending money. Does this mean that you don't have a joint account to which you both have equal access? I think that he sounds more than selfish - it seems quite controlling (esp when combined with the "you're a mother" guilt-trip inducing comment).

As regards you comment that you have no childcare, why can't he look after your child? Just like you do when he goes out...

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