To split up my family over his ex and daughter

[Iwishlifewasrainbows]

I have name changes for this. So both DH and I on 2nd marriage and have 2 DC from previous marriage and none together (will not be having any together). His ex is constantly on the phone or texting wanting money or is to have the kids more, pick them up earlier, moan about something to the point I am talk up to 10-20 texts a day even when they are not here plus phone calls. We have those kids 50/50 (probably more) so 7 out of 14 days she claims all child benefit and still wants maintenance which I have now stopped as we provide all clothes, shoes, uniform for our house. She regularly goes on holiday with her BF and never takes them and it’s always on her week with the kids meaning we have them them 3 weeks in a row messing up childcare etc and my DH refuses to say any or NO you can book it in you weeks without them!! We take them on holiday with us so it’s not an issue the other way.
Then we have the teenage daughters who talks to my DH like crap swearing and getting what she wants and if she doesn’t get it she cry’s and her mum phone and again has a go or if she isn’t busy come and gets her. This is over trivial things such as put your washing in the basket as at her mums house she isn’t made to. He is so scared of her going to her mums he ignores it but I refuse to let my children see this behaviour as ok and if I would’ve let mine do it I will not let any other child do it.
I don’t know how much more I can take- I love him I really do but he doesn’t get it that his ex constantly in our life ringing, texting is too much and not normal the kids are 12 and 10 not babies Or am I being horrible as I feel like I am loosing my mind in my own home

[sadwithkiddies]

You have a Dh problem.

[ArriettyJones]

You can’t fix this my exerting control. You need him to realise the reality of the situation and choose to respond appropriately. Which means you need to back right away from the dysfunction.

If that means backing right out of the marriage, then that’s what it takes.

[ArriettyJones]

BY exerting control...^

[dontdisturbmenow]

How long have you been together and living under the same roof?

Sounds like massive conflicting lives and not conduant to good family life. It might have been doomed from the start.

[Raella50]

You stopped him paying maintenance?! You say they’re teenagers but they’re 10 and 12?!
I’m confused

[mmgirish]

Sounds like a nightmare. Is there an impact on your children?

[EmeraldShamrock]

Yanbu there is no reason for some much contact with his ex. Is he frightened of hurting the DC feelings by saying no.
Is he the father of the 2 DC.
I got confused around the teenager? Is he the teens father too.

[babbi]

His ex and their relationship is their drama ...
To be honest I think you should split now and let them get on with it ...your own children will be impacted by this and I don’t think that’s what you’d want for them .

Move on and make them your main focus .

Biggest mistake you would make here is to carry on thinking you can change this and things will be better eventually... they absolutely won’t and you’ll be the bad guy ... do you really want your kids best years with you overshadowed with this disharmony and inequality?

[EmeraldShamrock]

Is there 4 DC altogether.

[Iwishlifewasrainbows]

I say teenager as his eldest is 12 but 13 in literally days now. I mean in the respect if they were toddlers detailed hand overs and contact would be essential but at the age they are they are old enough to ask most things. I accept there has to be some contact but to the point of 4 messages before 7.30 am is stupid and it’s not urgent it’s I have returned your charger, can they bath tonight, are you awake, why are you not replying! He thinks by ignoring the messages that are not important it solves it but she just try’s harder and then rings and rings and if the kids are with her uses one of their phones as she knows he will of course always answer them. I feel a boundary conversation should of happened a long time ago and it should never of got this point.

[MashedSpud]

Op states no dc together. Her DH has two teens with his ex and op has a 10 and 12 year old with her ex.

[Iwishlifewasrainbows]

Yes I have 2 DC ( 9 and 7 from my previous marriage) and he has his 2 DC from his previous marriage ( 12 and 10)

[MashedSpud]

Maybe I dunno I’m confused too now.

[Iwishlifewasrainbows]

Sorry I worded it wrong his eldest will be 13 in 2 days and his youngest is 10 and 11 in 3 weeks mine are younger which is why I worry about them witnessing behaviour from his daughter

[Iwishlifewasrainbows]

It’s only his eldest daughter who causes the issue and swears and is rude there is no issues with his youngest child

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I’d try marriage counselling.

[zscaler]

You stopped him paying maintenance?!

As the kids are with OP and her husband for more than half the time, he isn’t required to pay maintenance.

[slipperywhensparticus]

So what happens if you reply to a message before 7.30 saying we were asleep/busy is this really fucking important?

You really do have a Dh problem he is never going to lose his kids she relies on you to watch them too often

Let her ring the kids phone you dont "need" to answer then

[slipperywhensparticus]

Ahh right she is ringing from the kids phone in that case hang up if it's her

[Iwishlifewasrainbows]

He is self employed so does emergency call outs due to his work so gets woke by the phone when he ignores she just keeps going then will ring the kids till they bring him one of their phones and gets upset if he won’t talk to her right now

[Iwishlifewasrainbows]

So if she has them she uses their phone and if we have them she calls their phone and gets them to bring him their phones

[emilybrontescorsett]

I would definately not be paying maintenance.
The situation sounds untenable.
Absolutely no need for that many texts.
I think you need to speak to your dh but it may fall in deaf ears.
Do you make sure it's your dh looking after the dc rather than you, he may not see the problem if you are taking up the slack.

[TwentyViginti]

So your DH is still firmly under the thumb of his ex and he won't set boundaries? She's a 3rd peson in your marriage isn't she?

[TwentyViginti]

*person

[Tigersneeze]

is your DH even bothered by his ex behaviour? sounds like he is ok with it?