Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

Wondering if I'll ever be able to have a relationship having four kids

51 replies

WhatwouldJudydo · 26/05/2020 22:07

Feel on a bit of a downer, been single for a couple of years now split with father of kids. He's still with the other woman, married. I've had a few dates and a couple of short relationships but they seem to fizzle out when things start to get more serious (neither had met the kids) I think the thought of integrating into a 5 person household scared them - this has been the reason both times, it's too much to take on but surely they knew this from the start as I was honest about having four kids before we even met (online dating) I am wondering if the more they get to know me they realise that the kids dad isn't very responsible and so it mainly falls on me and they are worried to take this on. I am not asking for someone to financially hold us or be their dad, I guess I have questioned to myself though how things would work if for example another adult moved in. I am so used to doing things myself. I guess it's got me questioning really what I am looking for? I feel like am I destined to be alone forever? (And being alone doesn't scare me - I have great family and friends support and see them all regularly) but it would be nice to live with someone and have that closeness again. Should I just wait till they are older? They are 11 and under.

OP posts:

Report

OhioOhioOhio · 26/05/2020 22:12

I wonder the same thing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2020 22:16

I think the reality of dating someone with children, any number, and even if you haven’t met them, often doesn’t sink in for a while. If you ever did live with someone, even if you wouldn’t expect them to be a father figure, their life would change beyond recognition. Did your ex’s have kids of their own and/or want any?

I think when someone’s chosen not to be a parent it’s for a reason so they don’t want “family life”. I know a couple of men who didn’t want their own but are happy step dads so it’s definitely possible. My husband has two DC from his previous marriage, I didn’t have any, we now have one together, and life is good, but it’s also pretty complicated!

Haretodaygonetomorrow · 26/05/2020 22:21

It can happen. I know someone with four children who has now met someone new, and he has three children himself.

It is a lot to take on, especially when they’re all young, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s right for you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/05/2020 22:23

I think they’d have to have kids themselves. Can’t see a free and single person taking on 4kids.

Windyatthebeach · 26/05/2020 22:27

Onlyfools..
When I met my dh I had dc. He didn't. We are married with a dc of our own now.
Op I had more than 4dc. Dh says he felt proud he was welcomed into our family. He never 'took us on'.. Absolutely hate that expression.
There really could be a man out there who will appreciate your dc and also love them.

justamumof1 · 26/05/2020 22:29

Wait until the kids leave home, or live separately.

Do you really need to date right now?

Focus on the kids I say.

OhioOhioOhio · 26/05/2020 22:33

Windyattgebeach

What a perfect post. Your words will keep me strong.

WhatwouldJudydo · 26/05/2020 22:42

Both men had children. I am focused on the kids but I also do want to have a life of my own too, they see their dad and I have free time albeit limited but I don't see why I shouldn't date as long as that's not interfering with their life. The kids have been oblivious to my dating life so it hasn't effected them in anyway. I guess the kids come first and any guy would have to fit round it all and that's a lot to ask of someone. I don't particularly think I would want to move in with someone anyway for a few years yet anyway.

OP posts:

skinnyhotchoc · 26/05/2020 22:43

Realistically you're looking at someone with kids themselves and that's a whole can of worms in itself. Personally in your shoes I'd just do very casual dating if you like a bit of male company and flirtation and wait until the kids are grown

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/05/2020 22:43

Windyatthebeach that’s fantastic, I just wouldn’t say your situation is typical.

PumpkinP · 26/05/2020 22:45

I have 4, I’ve decided dating is impossible as my kids dad is absent and I have no family help. So how am I suppose to date? Obviously not possible for me.

skinnyhotchoc · 26/05/2020 22:47

@OnlyFoolsnMothers agree. Most men who you see in relationships with women with more than two children are cocklodger sponger types or even worse

Oly4 · 26/05/2020 22:48

I know somebody who just got married, she had 4dc, he had none. It can happen, keep the faith.
The right person might love a readymade family

FlamingoPoet · 26/05/2020 22:49

@justamumof1

Wait until the kids leave home, or live separately.

Do you really need to date right now?

Focus on the kids I say.

This comment makes me want to puke

wantmorenow · 26/05/2020 22:59

Yep. Me. I had 4 DC 16 and under. He had 2, youngest was 14. I as single for at least 7 years prior to meeting DP. Then it just clicked, we worked together.

Choose to not live together and just date. All the best bits, no drudge. Still going strong 6 years later. He now works away full time and I work near by some of the week. Still maintain separate homes (I stay at his when working then go home for long weekends, hols etc). Haven't seen him now for 2 months as both WFH.

Works for us. He stays out of my parenting and financial decisions, stays over when it suits - his kids live near me in our hometown so he can see them too. Never had to 'blend' families as such although all the kids get on and chat via facebook etc and share news. A few blended holidays over the years too.

It can work and honestly, 4 kids isn't much different to 3, and 3 isn't much different to 2.

Never say never. I can honestly say it's the best of everything. He is devoted and would do anything for me but I have the independence to run my home exactly as I choose (or as my teenagers let me) lol

Nymeriastark1 · 26/05/2020 23:01

@flamingo I hate those comments too. It's like people with children arnt allowed to date or have relationships.
They're was a poster earlier who asked for advice on a guy that already had two kids. So many posters told her to 'run for the hills'.
You will find someone op. They're are plenty of blended families around. A friend of mine has 3 children, only the 3rd being her current dp's and they're happy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2020 23:04

They're was a poster earlier who asked for advice on a guy that already had two kids. So many posters told her to 'run for the hills'.

I suspect many of them are or were step parents.

Yearcat13 · 26/05/2020 23:05

I really wouldn't trust any man who immediately will 'take on 'four children. It's not realistic. Why do you need a man?

I imagine your life is busy enough. Dating at best is lighthearted and needs some silly space , very difficult with four kids.
I'd wait and run a wide berth of men overly interested. For a reason. Some men see SW as fair game, shitty as that is.

Focus on your children, blended families are a mess.

Yearcat13 · 26/05/2020 23:11

Step parenting is really difficult I wouldn't trust anyone interested in dating a person with such young children, given the task it is. What's so bad about being single until the youngest is 18 they didn't asked to be born and they will hate any man you bring into the house.

Yearcat13 · 26/05/2020 23:22

And also beware the statistics of peados targeting single female parents.

Iflyaway · 26/05/2020 23:29

^^

Iflyaway · 26/05/2020 23:35

Single parent here.

Most people have their own home. It's perfectly normal to have a relationship without having to move in with each other when kids are in the mix.

Men - relationships - come and go. A home will be harder to get once you give up your own. Anyway, your kids need somewhere to come home to, even as an adult. Especially with lockdown now.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

VegALicious · 26/05/2020 23:37

My mum had six children (five living at home) when she met my dad (well stepdad), he was a different ethnicity to us and had no children, this was in 1990! He loved us all as his own and calls us his kids (they never had any together) and I'll always see him as my dad. They we're together 15 years.

The number of children you have won't stop you finding someone and anyone who isn't interested just isn't the right guy for you. I wish you all the best.

BarbedBloom · 26/05/2020 23:46

Not me personally but I think it is difficult. I know someone with four kids. She tried dating guys without but they got sick of coming second and lack of flexibility and moved on with women with fewer or no kids.

She then found someone with three of his own. They love each other but it isn't working. Two of the kids really hate each other. It is very expensive running a household with 7 kids and also finding somewhere big enough. Sadly it looks like they are either splitting up or living apart until their kids move out. It is hard for her as her ex is now married with two kids and doesn't pull his weight with his first four at all.

Yearcat13 · 27/05/2020 00:31

Of course theres anecdotes But I'd wait if I was you. Buy a really good sex toy. Any bloke you take into your home is compromising your children. You brought these children into the world. Focus on them.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.