To want my child to be able to go to school all day every day and to be in bits because it's probably never going to happen and I'm utterly beyond exhausted and fed up with it all?

[HerstoryRepeatsItself]

DS is 9 and autistic. He's been at two mainstream schools both of which failed him terribly and has now started at a small specialist school. He's only doing 3 afternoons (1.30-3.30pm) a week and there is no indication that this will change any time soon. This school is literally the only school within 50 miles and 3 local authority areas that was a) suitable for an extremely bright and academically able child but who has violent and challenging behaviour and who can't cope in a mainstream school and b) actually had a place for him.

It's been 2 years since he was at school full time and I'm just at fucking breaking point. He's lovely and very chatty and bright but I just need a break. I work from home, which I don't want to give up, so on the 2 days he is home all day I have to work while he plays and watched TV on his own etc. The 3 days he is at school, we try and do stuff in the mornings and then it's a 30 minute drive so I just have to sit and wait in the car while he's there as there's no point coming home again. Sometimes I whizz to Tesco to get shopping in etc but he is not there long enough for me to get to a decent sized town and back so mostly I just sit and dick around on MN while I wait for him.

We live somewhere rural and poor, so there just aren't lots of things to do. The library is hardly open, there isn't a museum for 25 miles, local home ed groups are mostly for younger children and full of mums who are somewhat sniffy about the fact I would rather DS was in school! And lots of their meets are in the afternoons anyway, when I'm ferrying DS to his 2 hours of education.

His world is so small and boring and I'm devastated for him. His dad isn't around (long story) so I'm all he has, my family are useless and I'm low contact with them. He's so so so clever and desperate to learn and make friends and there is just nothing for him. I'd move to somewhere with more options, but I have 2 older DC in crucial years of secondary education so that's not realistic for another 3 years or so.

I feel terrible even saying this but I'm so fed up of him being at home so much. I adore him but I am worn out, I have no patience for yet another fucking role play board game, I just want the mental break that dropping him at school at 9am and knowing that was me free until 3pm would give me.

There is literally no service to help me btw so whilst I'm open to suggestions, I don't think there is anything to be done. He sleeps at night so I don't get respite or a disability social worker etc! As apparently that's all the break I need. It just makes me so fucking angry that DS isn't getting what he is legally entitled to and that basically, nobody gives a shit

[HeartyGreenSalad]

I hear you, it's absolutely shit. I have friends in your position. More support should be available

[Duckduckduck123]

Thats an awful situation to be in. I've no advise I'm sorry but I didn't want to read and run.

[IrmaFayLear]

What is the reason given why he can't attend all day? Clearly mainstream schooling wasn't working out, and you can't magic up libraries/museums/activities if your area lacks them, so your focus must be the school where he is currently.

[Sockwomble]

He should be getting a full time education. with home tuition being provided to make it up to full time.

[HerstoryRepeatsItself]

Oh apparently it's a "phased introduction" but predictably they are not sticking to the agreed plan and keep insisting that he needs more time to settle blah blah. We've been here before with the last school. They all talk the talk to get the funding but then stall and faff and keep his hours as low as they can for as long as they can. Local authority don't give a shit, they want to keep this school sweet as they know there isn't another option!

[Mumdiva99]

I'm so sorry for you and him. What's the schools plan to get him in full time? What does the EHCP say? What were the decisions made when you accepted the place? What does your local SENDIAS service say?

[Sockwomble]

Could more support in school increase his hours there?

[Ticketyboop]

Oh no - this is tough for you Are there any parent support groups or similar parents in your area who could take turns with your son?

[picklemewalnuts]

Is there anything you can find for him online? I know he's young, but there may be programmes, educational films etc. I loved the 'how do they make that?' series, and things like scrap heap challenge are both entertaining and educational. What kinds of thing is he interested in?

It is really tough, services are inadequate. I've partially homeschooled my easiest child, by eldest who needed it more I couldn't have managed. We'd have done each other an injury!

I had a stretch where I had to take DS a long way to nursery and then kill time till he came out. I found quite a few useful ways of spending the time, after a while.

I'm sure you've explored everything and tried everything available. I wish there was more.

[Anselve]

It is shit. All I can say is it won’t last forever.

DD1 is 13 and autistic and has been refusing school for the last year. We’ve tried everything to help her get back in - like your DS she wants to be in school, she just can’t cope with the environment.

I think you need to turn it around in your head. You and he are doing brilliantly. You have explored all your options and tried your best and this is where you are at this specific point in time. You have done enough. There is no more to do.

Is there a way to use those hours you are waiting for him to come out of school to do something you like and will make you feel you’re doing something for yourself? A bit of MN, a great book, a tutorial online of something you’ve always wanted to learn to do, something creative you could do in the car eg knitting.

I completely get how it feels to have all your time and energy sucked into a child who is struggling. It’s the right thing to do but it leaves very little in the tank for you.

My younger DS is also autistic and at a specialist school. He’s dyslexic so can’t really read to himself. He watches a lot of TV and learns a lot from it. Would that be some thing he would enjoy - a wildlife series or science documentaries online? So you feel like he’s learning and exploring things even if you can’t get to a museum.

[Soontobe60]

They can only insist on a phased plan if you agree with it. I would speak to the LA Sen team and insist on a meeting with them and school to draw up a tight plan. In the meantime I’d also insist the LA provide transport for him, and access to a home tutor.
Don’t give up, don’t accept what they say, fight for your boy 💪🏼💪🏼

[Springsnake]

I’m in your boat ,minus the school place ,we have a tutor come to our home .5 hours a week lea provide it but I have to stay with them while he tutors him ,my son is 10 ,he’s been out of school since age 7.he hears every conversation I have ,he won’t go to bed till I do,he’s with me every second of the day ,
He’ is such hard work ,so intense and utterly draining

[BonSoirMonCherie]

I have no advice but empathise because we're in exactly the same situation here.
IT. IS. UTTERLY. SHIT.

And we're exhausted from it all, including DC.

[Springsnake]

You should not be taking him yourself ,you should have a taxi provided by lea

[JeffJarrett]

I'm so sorry. I've been there, feeling alone and hopeless. You sound like you're all out of fight too. It's so desperately hard when you feel like it's all you've done for years.

Is there a local SEN charity that can help you out? Just for emotional support for you and to help chase the relevant people, advise you of your rights, come to meetings with you and advise of any help out there you might be missing out on?

They really need to give you a solid date on this phased induction. I would expect 6-8 weeks would be an absolute maximum, but DS went straight to his SEN school full time so I haven't experienced this.

Definitely get on to the local council re transport as PP have said. If it's over 3 miles they should be paying. DS is 40 mins away and gets a shared taxi.

Good luck

[SarahMused]

Have you contacted www.ipsea.org.uk/faqs/children-out-of-school-or-not-getting-a-full-time-education they give legal advice to people in your situation? Unfortunately you usually need to kick up a fuss to get what your child is entitled to.
Would you consider moving to an area which is better served with provision for autistic children? Getting the right school would make an enormous difference both to you and your child.

[JeffJarrett]

Oh, and also just to say that DS is thriving where his is now. He was also very bright but violent in mainstream school. He's now winning awards and excelling academically. There is light at the end of the tunnel OP, it's just a long hard road to get there.

[cornish009]

I am the mother of three children (now adult) with different learning and behavioural difficulties, all ASD. I am now a foster carer so have spent many decades battling education authorities. Transport to your son's school is the key. It won't solve everything but it will solve some issues. When you first ask for a taxi to be provided, with an escort if you believe your son needs it, you will be refused. You will be refused again and again - they will make you believe it is simply not possible for them to provide one, they will try and pile on the guilt ("it is your responsibility to get your son to school") and bend the law making you believe it will never happen. Continue to compile your evidence, and continue to not take no for an answer. Remember the authorities will try to blind you with science, use any tactic to get you to back down. Do NOT back down. Tell them you are prepared to go to court over it and mean it. No one knows your son as you do and you will find a strength and commitment to continue. And although it may take some time, you will eventually "win", even if (as in the first time I did it) on the morning of the court case itself. I have always "won" and not because I have some special method, simply that I will not give in when it comes to my child's needs, and ultimately your needs as well. Good luck.

[TwoBlueFish]

Have you been in contact with IPSEA? This sounds like an unlawful exclusion www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/exclusion-from-school

[BumbleBeee69]

could/would you consider residential schooling OP? is that an option for your DS to help him be educated? just an idea...

[CornishPasties]

Don't you have to agree to a phased introduction? Surley this is simliar to when reception children are told they will start part time and parents instead say they will be doing full days . Your child is entitled to full time education so that's what he should be getting. Personally if you think he could cope i would be taking him into school tomorrow morning with the expectation that he will now attend full time.

I would also be enquiring about transport as surely he should be entitled to it due to the diatance??

[Notthecarwashagain]

YANBU at all.
It's so tough.
DS has been out of school since August, before that was rarely managing a full day. He now has a new specialist placement to start after Easter, no idea how that will go either.

It's relentless, all the days seem to blend in to one long one. Also incredibly lonely, feels like your life is on 'pause'

No advice to add to the great advice given, but I really hope things improve for you and your son soon.

[YouFellAsleeep]

This is almost exactly like the situation I had with my son. He's autistic, had 2 failed mainstream schools and then after a year off school, he was moved to an SN school. He was only doing 1 hour in the morning and I had to stay with him every day in school while he was "weaned" off me over about 3 months. He did eventually go full time (gradual increase of hours) but not for long. He was back to just mornings. He's now home educated. School isn't suitable for everyone unfortunately.

[hiredandsqueak]

SENTAS will help you secure transport for your son. IPSEA or SOSSEN will help you secure full time provision. My daughter is in the transition stage to independent specialist too after being out of school for two years (also ASD) it is incredibly draining to be everything to your child.

[HerstoryRepeatsItself]

Been told we can't get a taxi until he is doing normal school hours? Something about the contracts they have with the taxi firm. So they're paying my mileage to take him ATM.

His EHCP is still not finalised after the last review. It is weak and open to creative interpretation but I've got to wait for the final to be issued to formally appeal it. Should be any day now. But where do I get the time and headspace for a tribunal case? I'm already on my arse!

IPSEA are uncontactable, I've been trying for 18 months to get a phone appointment and never managed. But tbh, I know the law, I know this is all unlawful, I just can't enforce the law and nobody will help me. I earn too much for legal aid (fucking joke as I earn approx £125 a week). There is no way for little old me to make anyone do their job, it seems.

My SEN caseworker is useless. Formal complaints have been fobbed off by way of response. They all just want me to take him out and home educate and I won't do it because it's not what I want to do. I already feel like I'm losing my mind. My work keeps me sane, I'm not giving that up.