AIBU to be having a secret strop about Christmas and life in general?

[Megamini27]

Quite open to people being blunt here. I’m quite self aware and know that sometimes I need to be told when I need to have a word with myself!!
Basically, I just feel that I need to stop making such an effort with people (friends) over Christmas and in general throughout the year.
I have a handful of ‘proper friends’ who I tend do do all my socialising with. Known them twenty years or so..... and a wider circle of friends/ associates, I enjoy spending time with when a larger social gathering calls, but don’t necessarily have their mobile numbers etc. Met mainly through work and other friends.
This year, like every year, I do the Christmas thing and write all my cards/ send all my emails/ take pleasure in choosing and giving the presents and secret Santa, and fully immerse myself in being the social butterfly that I am most certainly NOT usually- finding time to get round to see everyone, nip round for cuppas and chats with old friends. Year on year, I’m becoming more aware that my efforts are not always appreciated or reciprocated. I’m a full time manager with a very demanding job working 50+ hours a week. I have a disabled DS at home too and some health issues myself so it is a real effort on my part if I’m honest when I’d mostly like to get home and curl up in bed and sleep/ spend some time with my own family who often miss out on my time with work. This year, I’m particularly p**sed off if I’m honest. Hardly anyone of my friends has bothered to send me a card back. Some of my highly strung friends are a bit put out that I’ve made some new year plans that only involve family and haven’t taken them up on their offer and are being a bit funny. My present off my longest oldest friend is a load of bits I know she got for her 40th last year thrown in a bag. I’m not bothered about presents. But this just shows last minute thought and little care. I’m the first to send the obligatory ‘happy new year!’ Texts as midnight. Half the time, I never get them back. I am not daft. I know people have families and plans of their own. We are all busy. But is it unreasonable to assume that people you love and care for should find at least ten mins over the festive period to give a shit and write a bloody card/ send a text? It’s all very one sided and I feel next year I genuinely shouldn’t bother with the effort and just focus on my family (who are amazing). Should I Ba Humbug them all next year???

[Maltesefalcon]

I feel exhausted just reading all that. I'd dial it down, I have done so and in my 50's. All too much effort.

[orangejuicer]

I'm with you. Simplify next year and chill - that's my new year's resolution.

[ssd]

You're trying to be a version of Xmas that doesn't exist. TBH you probably annoy people. Wind it down a bit and join the rest of the world.

[DisplayPurposesOnly]

This is a bit mixed isn't it. On the one hand you're fed up with your efforts not being reciprocated, on the other you've got friends who feel you aren't reciprocating their efforts.

So - what can you do to make amends to those you've turned down? And what can you stop doing?

[Megamini27]

Sorry? It annoys people to send cards?

[Megamini27]

I should add- the friend who does the invite does it when they’ve no plans themselves. It’s an after thought. Or I’d deffo go. I hardly see this person at any other time in the year. The odd text.

[j712adrian]

Christmas is shit. Full of groundless sentimentality.

[Megamini27]

Sounds like a plan

[BlueJava]

I think being a but unreasonable to have a secret strop, but I do think a lot of people have scaled back Christmas. I used to send loads of cards, I now send 2. I also used to go to several meet ups and pre-Christmas drinks with friends etc. this year I went to nothing and concentrated on my immediate family. We don't do presents for friends either - just immediate family (2 DS and parents only with a family present for each bro/sis). I'll still stay in touch and meet up with people during the year but have definitely cut back in December. Perhaps it's this sort of change that you are seeing in your friends is similiar OP?

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

I can see both sides of this. It sounds like you put a great deal of pressure on yourself to be available to your friends, to keep in touch despite the demands of work and family etc. That's very admirable and I can see why you'd feel put out when it's not reciprocated. But that's your choice and not everyone wants to spend Christmas running around like a blue-arsed fly. Not everyone wants to be a "social butterfly" and they shouldn't have to if that's not their thing. Lots of people feel the need to prioritise time with their Partner and immediate family at Christmas, especially if they don't get much time off work. I freely admit I haven't done cards this year. With two small children and a demanding job (that I only started three months ago so am still getting to grips with) it just hasn't been a priority for me this year. That doesn't mean I don't care about my friends.

[cakeandchampagne]

I think you send cards to say hello and let people know you are thinking of them (and it’s fun to shop for a pretty card you like)- not with an expectation of getting a card back.

[ConfCall]

Lots of people have stopped sending cards over the last 5-10 years, I think.

The “to-all” happy new year texts at midnight on 31st December are irritating tbh.

In general, at Christmas most busy people just want to relax, with the odd night out. Perhaps they find you a bit OTT. Ask a couple of them, casually perhaps.

But you’re not being at all unreasonable to question this, and you feel how you feel and seem lovely, so I voted YANBU. Merry Christmas OP.

[Megamini27]

You might be absolutely right there. Maybe I should follow suit and do the same. Sounds so much easier!!!!x

[Megamini27]

I get that. And that’s why I do it. But surely not getting one back implies the sentiment you’ve shown as you’ve detailed here, isn’t shown in return? I never ask my friends for anything. Literally. Can’t recall the last time I ever called a favour. But I’m always the first choice to come to when one is needed. I guess the cards are a little irrelevant but just emphasised the lack of ‘getting back’ I get.

[Megamini27]

Merry Christmas to you too x

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

Blimey just chill! you sound very full on tbh.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

I thought people stopped sending cards quite a few years ago. I don't know anyone who sends them.

[YouTheCat]

I only send cards to family (small) and friends I don't see anymore.

I'd knock the gifts on the head and the cards. See the people who you enjoy spending time with. Isn't there a saying? 'Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option', or something like that.

[detachablehoof]

Yeah, Christmas isn't about doing things in expectation of getting something back is it??

[Megamini27]

Yeah your dead right there!!!

[Megamini27]

No. It’s also not the time for being a walk over either. A friendship is two way.

[Megamini27]

Well shoot me if I’m so in your face I have the cheek to send a card to a friend or offer a cuppa and a chat to someone I’ve not seen for several months.

[madcatladyforever]

I used to do all this too but I don't any more. It ends up with you making all the effort while nobody else does anything.
Don't wear yourself out any more, it just isn't worth it.
I'd love someone else to make an effort but they never do. People are really lazy.

[Megamini27]

Just a general point to clarify for those who say I’m full on or in people’s faces.

I don’t go out. I don’t turn up at peoples houses unexpectedly. I don’t make calls where I keep people on the phone for hours. I work 8-8 every day. I don’t have time to be full on.

Once a year- I’m conscious I have friends and some family who I’ve not had time to talk to or see much. I make a concerted effort to do so. Once per year. A simple text. One simple card.

My seeking advice was to see if I was being a n*b at getting miffed that every year, no one seems overly bothered that I do/ don’t do this. If this is the consensus (that I am being unreasonable), fair enough. I shall abstain from any Christmas pleasantries with those people outside my family! However the over the top/ in your face bit, I’m struggling to see!

To add. When my DS was very poorly with his disability a few years ago and I didn’t have time to send any thing to anyone, I actually got asked if I’d forgotten to do my cards by one of those I’m on about now....Couldn’t make this shit up!

[Megamini27]

Thanks for this. I feel a little bit better like I’m not the only one who gets a bit miffed about this stuff! But a merry Christmas to you x