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AIBU?

To despise myself?

54 replies

ComeOnn · 08/12/2019 16:04

I’ve been a terrible person and I really don’t deserve the title of “mum”.

On a handful of occassions, I have had friends over once my kids were in bed and have ended up pretty drunk. I would say around 4 or 5 times in around 7 years.

Also, I attended a wedding abroad and consumed quite a bit of alcohol at it whilst my DC aged 5 was in my care. There was a swimming pool at the venue and I just know I didn’t watch DD as carefully as I should have. All of my extended family were there and I think I just let my guard down and got carried away.

All of these occassions are over a year ago and are something I will never allow to happen again but I just feel like such a disposable person and terrible parent. I love my kids so much and I know that, excluding these occasions, I’ve been a very attentive parent. I just don’t deserve the family I have and my DC certainly don’t deserve a parent like me. I just feel as though I have failed them and won’t ever be able to forgive myself for the damage that could have been done by my irresponsibility. My kids deserve more!

OP posts:

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

139 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

80%

You are NOT being unreasonable

20%

TheMustressMhor · 08/12/2019 16:06

Honestly - if this is the only reason you have for feeling like this, then I think you are being very hard on yourself.

None of us is a perfect parent. Is there more to this story or is it just a handful of occasions when you've had too much to drink?

Would you say you were otherwise a "good" mother?

ComeOnn · 08/12/2019 16:07

*dispicable person

OP posts:

Boom45 · 08/12/2019 16:09

You've been pissed, while the kids were in bed, less than once a year? I think you're overreacting a touch. Maybe talk to someone about your self esteem issues though, you sound very upset about this and it's really really not a big issue.

Happyspud · 08/12/2019 16:10

I think you sound unwell which is why you’re fixating on this. The stuff you describe is not unusual or even noticed as terribly bad by most people. But your self loathing is not normal.

Bobonelove · 08/12/2019 16:11

Youre being too hard on yourself!!

Jollitwiglet · 08/12/2019 16:12

You sound quite dramatic when I'm assuming no harm has come to your children? Stop dwelling on stuff that could have happened but didnt

Jeschara · 08/12/2019 16:13

Agree no one Is perfect. Stop dilating on this.

Jeschara · 08/12/2019 16:13

Fixating not dilating

MinervaSaidThat · 08/12/2019 16:14

You sound quite dramatic when I'm assuming no harm has come to your children

^ This. Why all the self-flagellation.

IfWishesWereFishes · 08/12/2019 16:15

What's going on OP? This isn't standard levels of worry. What's the bigger picture? Are you alright?

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2019 16:15

What's going on with you op? Are you looking for validation to say how wonderful you are, or what's causing you to beat yourself up. Is there mental health issues at play.

Sparklesocks · 08/12/2019 16:17

You’re being very hard on yourself OP, you seem to be spiralling a bit. Is everything alright?

Tableclothing · 08/12/2019 16:17

I voted YABU. Some of the thoughts/beliefs you mention are disproportionate/unrealistic, compared to the actual facts of your behaviour. Try to be kinder to yourself, if that isn't something you can do on your own then it might be time to look at CBT on some level, whether that's through a workbook/online programme or IAPT or whatever.

ComeOnn · 08/12/2019 16:19

I’m taking anti depressants. I have a counselling appointment booked. I just feel like there is no way back. People have done things like I have done and there have been massive repercussions which have resulted in them losing a child or having all their children put into care. I’m no different to these people. Something could easily have gone wrong. How can I look my kids in the eye knowing I have put them in harms way like that? They are just such lovely kids and don’t deserve a mum who is so selfish to put alcohol before my own children’s well-being!

OP posts:

JustDanceAddict · 08/12/2019 16:19

I don’t know why you’re feeling like this but what you cite is not despicable in any way.
If no harm has come to your kids then what is the issue?

TheMustressMhor · 08/12/2019 16:20

Has any harm come to your DC as a result of your behaviour? You do seem to be overly worried about this.

Are you generally an anxious person? Why do you think you're being so hard on yourself?

JustDanceAddict · 08/12/2019 16:20

We can all say we’ve done things to potentially put our kids at risk though - if you think about it logically.

TheMustressMhor · 08/12/2019 16:22

It sounds like you're over-thinking this in a big way, OP.

Your DC have not been harmed by your behaviour at all.

How long have you been on the ADs? Are you able to work on your self-esteem with a counsellor?

There are always "what ifs" in life - your "what ifs" didn't actually have a bad result at all.

TheMustressMhor · 08/12/2019 16:24

You say:

Something could easily have gone wrong

Yes. And something could easily have gone wrong today when I drove to the village. I could have had a car crash, or a tree could have fallen on the car and killed me.

Neither of these things happened though.

Can you tell your doctor how bad you're feeling and ask for help? Have you got a supportive DH?

AnuvvaMuvva · 08/12/2019 16:25

Well, you could give up the booze. I have. Life without alcohol is amazing!

rhubarbcrumbles · 08/12/2019 16:27

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, every single parent on MN (and the planet) has done something that they regret. Don't let trying to be perfect get in the way of being a good enough parent - that is all any of us can be, good enough.

As PP have said, the main thing you need to work on is your self esteem.

Boom45 · 08/12/2019 16:28

No ones kids have EVER been taken into care because they had some drinks at a wedding or because they had one too many wines while the kids are in bed. There wouldn't be many kids still at home. If you're genuinely feeling like you cant look your kids in the eye because if this please go and see your GP/mental health support tomorrow. It's not normal and you've done nothing unusual or shocking AT ALL.

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IfWishesWereFishes · 08/12/2019 16:32

But most people don't stay sober until the day their kids move out. What you're describing is utterly normal.

JavaQ · 08/12/2019 16:32

you recognise you have a problem which I gather is the first step to fixing the problem.

Give up alcohol. Go to AA as well.

good luck

Coatzillaclaus · 08/12/2019 16:32

I think you’re feelings re being drunk in front of your kids are down to your depression. While it’s not great, your family were also there keeping an eye out. Stop beating yourself up about it.

You’re not the only one to have done it and won’t be the last. I am a child of the 80s and remember my mum having parties and being quite drunk. I’ve done similar on occasion. I’m fine, my kids are fine.

Unless it’s a really regular occurrence I really wouldn’t worry. Maybe just try to pace yourself a bit next time alternating between water and alcohol, make sure you eat too.

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