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Not buying DD presents for Christmas

(108 Posts)
bahhumbug5 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:12:45

Don't want to drip feed so might have some irrelevant info 😩

My partner has two children from a previous relationship, age 8 and 9 I have been in their lives since they were 3 and 4 and I always spend around £80 each on them at Christmas. DP always goes over board for birthdays and Christmas but it's his money so not my problem.

We now have an 18 month old, she was very prem and still wasn't doing much by last Christmas so I put £150 in her savings account (we have separate money) and didn't buy any toys as family gave us money for her to buy things as we need it. DP didn't put any money away and buy anything as he said she had gifts from my family (my family have always got DSC presents too). This pissed me off but I thought, meh, she's 6 months old she doesn't know what's going on. Same thing happened for her 1st birthday, again I put £150 away as we combined it with a christening and she had quite a lot of money and gifts (all gone into her savings), and at such a Young age I just buy things as and when she needs it but again no contribution from DP.

This Christmas, she more mobile and alert and she's very aware of toys. I've spent her usual £150 on new toys, a trike etc but DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing. He said she will have loads from family Members anyway. The children have an active mother and family on her side, so will not be going without presents on maternal side either.

I think it's fucking disgusting and tempted to LTB over it.

AIBU?

Lunde Thu 21-Nov-19 12:16:57

He doesn't treat her as his child at all really does he?

You need to decide what to do as soon she is going to be old enough to realise the difference between how he treats her and how he treats his "golden children"

hsegfiugseskufh Thu 21-Nov-19 12:11:43

wheredidigowrong it doesn't matter that you think its weird, they have separate finances, so it makes sense that they buy presents separately if that's they way they do everything else too. Its also irrelevant that you think the 18mo will be more interested in the wrapping paper than presents. Her dad is treating her differently to her other siblings, how is that ok?

BlackSwanGreen Thu 21-Nov-19 12:10:58

But if the gifts are from both of them, he should still pay half (given that they have separate finances).

Wheredidigowrongggggg Thu 21-Nov-19 12:04:27

It’s totally weird having separate presents from parents who are together. Your gifts are from both of you. Plus she’s 18 months and will still prefer the wrapping paper and boxes to what is in them.

EKGEMS Thu 21-Nov-19 11:59:10

Why would you accept crumbs of affection and attention and money for your little girl from her asshole father? Geez Louise she'll get old enough to realize she isn't a priority to her father in comparison to his other children. Address it now or you'll regret it in the future

yuiop Wed 20-Nov-19 22:57:39

Wow that's horrible. He's not invested in her at all. If he doesn't change his entire attitude toward her she will begin to notice and it will mess her up. I'd be considering whether I wanted to stay in this relationship very carefully op.

TriciaH87 Wed 20-Nov-19 21:58:27

You bloody well tell him either the child you share is treated equal to his other kids or he can sod the f**k off. You do not treat your children differently just because others buy them presents. My son is 13 tomorrow. Things are tight this close to Christmas this year but he is getting the same amount his brother got in April. I don't care who does what if I don't treat them the same I will know it. Disgusting behaviour. Ask him at what age he bought his daughters presents and at what age does he intend to buy for your child.

DartmoorChef Wed 20-Nov-19 21:49:12

Did he want this child? It doesn't sound like it.

Pinkblueberry Wed 20-Nov-19 21:41:01

He's an "ok" father to her.

I don’t think being an ‘ok’ parent is a thing to be honest. It’s one of the few things in life that I think is very clearly black and white, there is no grey. You put the effort in or you don’t - meaning if you do you’re good, if you don’t you’re shit. To me it’s that simple and there is no inbetween.

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 21:28:51

He doesn't seem like an ok father at all OP.

bahhumbug5 Wed 20-Nov-19 20:42:57

Sorry everyone didn't mean to post and run!

He's an "ok" father to her. We have the kids 4 days a weeks, Tuesday night, Wednesday night Thursday night, Sunday night, so not a great deal he could be overcompensating for. DD doesn't get a look in when they are over, unless the children want to play with her. When they are at their mothers he has a cuddle just before she goes to sleep but I do dinner time, bath, bed etc.

No real contribution to everyday things for her, just halves of food shopping, bills, etc.

We went on holiday last year he pays for his 3, I pay for myself and DD. He very much sees us as separate I think.

We could put our finances together but I personally don't really like the idea right now considering we aren't married.

I agree the amount spent is irrelevant at her age, but it's the fact he isn't recognising her as his own child and doesn't believe he needs to contribute, not just money, but ideas and time!

Dillydallyingthrough Wed 20-Nov-19 18:50:14

@merryhouse THANK GOD FOR YOUR POST! It annoys the fuck out of me when posters don't answer the actual question.

OP what's he like with spending time with DD and general expenses? I think the easy answer is to say that his DC don't need presents from him as they will get them from family and see what he says. I think as you have completely separate finances then he should definitely be contributing to DDs present (and should have done on the other occasions by adding to her savings). I would be angry about this in your position as he is not treating the DC equally.

hsegfiugseskufh Wed 20-Nov-19 18:32:41

It's perfectly normal to spend more on an 9yo than on an 18 months old and OP has already spend loads. The poor guy seems to be competing both with his ex and now also with OP because he is being judged otherwise for not loving his kids enough
It is normal to spend more on a 9yo than a baby. But not normal for it to be £400 more than nothing.

The point is hes bought 2 kids presents and not bought the 3rd anything. It wouldn't matter if he'd spent a quid each on the first 2 it still wouldn't be fair to leave the 3rd out.

He may well be competing with his ex but he certainly isnt competing with op. He doesn't care what his daughter gets or doesnt get as long as op sorts and pays for it.

He is essentially a lone parent to his first kids so has to buy for them or he looks bad. He is in a couple with op so can leave op to it and the baby still gets presents with 0 effort from him. I bet he doesnt let on that he had nothing to do with it to anyone else though!

Quite happy for op to buy for his children though isnt he.

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 18:29:10

At the risk of cross threading, it is interesting to compare the amount of people here saying it's ok for him to overcompensate by only buying for his older children and leave out his own youngest with the amount of people on the thread about a grandad not buying for his son's step child along with his biological grandchildren saying that's unacceptable.

OrangeZog Wed 20-Nov-19 16:51:08

I imagine he spends so much on his other children out of guilt. He also presumably spends more time with your daughter which is something you can’t put a price on and his other two children would probably much prefer.

How are things otherwise? Does your daughter get an equal emotional and physical parenting from him? It sounds like this might be the final straw after lots of other behaviours that demonstrate preferential behaviour and if so, I don’t think that is acceptable to your daughter. Surely it’s worth talking to him first of all so he realises what he is doing and how you feel about it (and how she will feel as she grows up if it continues)?

Dontdisturbmenow Wed 20-Nov-19 16:43:37

Ask him at what age his DD becomes a member of his family and worthy of being acknowledged on her birthday or Christmas
Yes, because his 18months old is going to feel so much less loved by their father because he doesn't spend £150 on them just like their mother does. Ridiculous!

This is exactly how kids end up spoilt brats, when their parents and/or other family members think they are have to prove to the other that they love the kids as much as they do with money.

Him not spending more money on a child because they already get all they could possibly want is not loving them less than the parent who already spend too much on them.

It's perfectly normal to spend more on an 9yo than on an 18 months old and OP has already spend loads. The poor guy seems to be competing both with his ex and now also with OP because he is being judged otherwise for not loving his kids enough.

Everyone is being unreasonable on this scenario. He should be agreeing on a budget with his ex and what they both get their kids and he should be doing the same with OP. That would result in happy kids, parents who don't moan about spending more than the other, and less funds wasted on stupid presents the kids will get bored off in months if not weeks.

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 16:13:45

Cheers @aSofaNearYou smile

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 16:12:53

@messolini9 well yes I agree the separate finances are a bad idea, but given that that is how he chooses to do things he should surely expect and want to buy for his youngest as well? I can see from your other comment that you didn't realise OP also buys for his eldest, though, so I can see where your initial comment came from.

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:51:25

Actually @aSofaNearYou, I think they are both being unreasonable. Not least in the amount spent!

I don't understand the 100% separate finances, the separate gift-giving, & can't see why they can't simply agree to sign off & present all the childrens' gifts as being from both of them.

Elle7rose Wed 20-Nov-19 15:28:07

Have you said that that's not ok now that she is aware of toys? From now on they need to be treated equally so you spend £80 on each child and he spends the amount that he spends on each of them too OR you both just put in £150 and spend £100 on each of the three kids.

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 15:21:07

@messolini9 so what's your logic in one being reasonable whilst the other isn't?

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:19:16

Did you RTOP? She says she spend £80 of her own money on each of his children.

So she does, @Havaina! Missed that.

OP - can you not just put it to DH that you both make sure the gift tags are written with love from both of you, & are presented as joint gifts?

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:16:49

I think we've got a representative of the "I don't give a fuck about second families" brigade here to throw out some double standards.

If we have, @aSofaNearYou, it's not me - I'm a stepmother.

DixieTrix Wed 20-Nov-19 15:02:58

If you add the £800 he has spent on his older children onto the £80 each you spent on them that's £960 ! A truly phenomenal amount. So his older kids get nearly a grand lavished on them both, whilst his youngest child has not even been thought of. He's delegated that to you and your family OP
That's so hurtful

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 14:50:51

@CorBlimeyGoverner

He is not assuming their presents are joint, because he specifies that his gifts to his other children are solely from him and it is expected that she will buy for them separately. He does not view them as a gift giving unit in any other scenario, he is simply choosing not to buy anything for his youngest because other people have. A reasonable way of looking at it in and of itself, except that the same could be said of his older children but he is choosing to spend lavishly on them. He wants to spoil them and yet hasnt even bothered with a matchbox car for the youngest.

Why do so many people throw out the "it shouldn't be all about money" card whilst in the same breath saying "he could be compensating for not being there", as if suddenly becoming all about money in the latter case is perfectly fine and justifiable? No, it shouldn't all be about money (I would never spend this much on any of them) but in his attitude towards his older two he has made it clear to him it IS about spending lots of money, and yet he doesn't care about doing so for his youngest. That is telling of a wider issue in the way he views things.

If he had made it clear his attitude was purely about not feeling small children need lots and he would do the same if his older two were that age, then that would be fine, but he has done no such thing.

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