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To think children should not ALWAYS come first

(197 Posts)
FavaBeansAndANiceChianti Wed 09-Oct-19 17:55:24

And that it's actually quite detrimental to their future personalities to let them think that they should?

I'm not talking inviting a known sex offender to live in your home kind of situation. But I hate seeing this line trotted out when half of the time I actually think it wouldn't do the children involved any harm to not come first in that particular situation.

Sometimes I read things on here and wonder how entitled and selfish these children must grow up to be.

I've seen people getting the pitchforks out because apparently parents should prioritize abroad holidays if their child has become 'accustomed' to them even if they can't afford it or would rather use the money elsewhere one year.

And I can't even start on the step parenting threads, you see it ALL the time on there, often over things which seem more to do with putting the ex first than the children.

I understand generally that children should come first in terms of needs. However, AIBU to think that people take this far too literally sometimes and it really is fine for other people's wants, needs and desires and feelings to be taken into consideration within the family from time to time?

Sb74 Fri 11-Oct-19 20:36:53

... my children also cook and clean but only when they want to. They quite like it. Don’t know where they get it from!!! Not me!!

manicmij Fri 11-Oct-19 20:41:53

Agree. There is a difference, at least in my thinking between children's needs and wants. Far too much emphasis is given to wants but have to say a lot of these wants arise from parents and the lack of taking control which we all know causes hassle. Something an awful lot of folk cannot be bothered with, giving into all the wants for an easy life.

Jack80 Sat 12-Oct-19 08:41:24

I find it hard to do things for just me and my husband at times my children are 12 and 15 but I'm getting there.

MintyMabel Sat 12-Oct-19 09:25:50

I'm not going to bankrupt myself so that my child can have the beach holiday they have become 'accustomed' to. It's just bloody life!

What does that have to do with putting children first? You are talking about spending more than you can afford to give children something they don’t need. That’s spoiling them, and has nothing to do with “putting children first.”

Anyway, I couldn’t care less how people raise their children. You do you and I’ll do me.

DD pretty much is put first in every scenario. Most of the time she has no idea.

She is the least selfish, self centred child I know. My parents raised me this way and I’m not selfish nor self centred either. There was no “shock of adulthood” 🙄

I hate the way we insist kids learn really hard lessons, really early with the line “it’s a hard world out there” Yes, yes it is, so if she wants to be a kid for a little while longer, that’s fine by me.

She’s not wrapped in cotton wool, but neither does she know about all the horrible things she will face as an adult. And neither she should, she’s ten bloody years old.

Mmmmdanone Sat 12-Oct-19 09:57:51

I have a friend who's a jw. Lovely woman with 2 children. I do worry about the children though. Not so much the girl who's 16- she just seems so happy with it all and unquestioning so she'll probably go along with it all her life and be happy enough. They have a great community and all seem very kind.
It's the boy. He's 13 and although he says all the "right" things he seems confused. His mother has told him he will be the head of the household at 16 as his dad is dead. He has admitted to my son that there is a possibility that the religion isn't telling him the truth. He knows that his mum would be more than disappointed if he came out of the religion. I don't see that he can come away from it in his circumstances but I believe he will when he moves out, and what sort of damage will have been caused to their relationship? Other things that shock me are that she told him he absolutely cannot masturbate under any circumstances. Don't know why this made me feel so sad but I guess it's that "mind control' over a poor teenage boy who thinks God is watching his every move.
I'm not dismissing the girl's " mind control" it's only that she seems to me to be much happier with it all and is a bit older.
Sorry this is rambling. I guess what I'm asking is do you resent your parents for bringing you up this way?

Mmmmdanone Sat 12-Oct-19 10:03:38

Sorry wrong thread!!!!

KennDodd Sat 12-Oct-19 10:24:28

Completely agree, I think this 'child centered' business is nonsense. Obviously last place on the lifeboat, the kid gets it though. Also I think people mix up wants and needs to much. With a nuclear family I think balancing needs and wants of the family members is much easier, with blended families it must be a lot harder. I remember Seal said once (shortly before he divorced) that within a family the parents relationship should take priority over everything else because the single most important thing to provide for the children is a happy home with both parents together. I kind of agree.

Ferret27 Sat 12-Oct-19 10:49:52

I agree Op .... too many people give in to demands ..I see it on public transport, in shops and in the personality types that I work with.... Selfish and self absorbed.... unsupportive of colleagues, and unreliabl and overly demanding.
I can tell those youngsters that were brought up by parent/s with a better idea of how to treat people and how to behave in public...they are a pleasure to be around and work with.
Those who have not been told no enough and are given into when young make other people’s lives a misery in the playground and in the workplace

Ferret27 Sat 12-Oct-19 10:56:08

Mintymable ... made me laugh tho.. she said I’m the least self centred person I know in one paragraph... and in another said I don’t care les how people raise their children’s!...Quite a contradiction really...
No need to say more really!

Ferret27 Sat 12-Oct-19 11:07:04

Girl1960.... sounds like a fun happy environment ...I like how you make helping fun so it becomes normal.. I know too many households where the children don’t lift a finger and their are behavioural and discipline issues that followed out of the home.

Schuyler Sat 12-Oct-19 12:52:18

To me, children coming first doesn’t mean spoiling them. To use your example - when we go on holiday, we put the children first by choosing a holiday we know they’d prefer. There are places I’d like to go that are child friendly but I know my children wouldn’t enjoy and that’s fine.

My children’s needs always trump my needs. Quite often, their wants trump mine but within reason. They don’t rule the roost, they don’t get everything they want (just can not afford it anyway) but if they want to see a film that we don’t, for example, then yes I’d rather see them happy. It makes me happy, so it’s certainly not selfless. I am chronically ill and disabled, so I do worry mine miss out and try to make up for it where I can, so I accept my view may be slightly different.

ThatMuppetShow Sat 12-Oct-19 13:22:14

It seems that a lot of posters completely confuse putting a child first and spoiling them. The 2 have nothing to do with each other.

TeacupDrama Sat 12-Oct-19 15:04:40

to me when choosing a holiday it is about everyone's wants so we would not go anywhere anyone hated but it has to work as a holiday for the parents as well as children as we need a break too so there might be some sightseeing some shopping as well as swimming beach forest adventure playgrounds

in my grandfathers life 1930's if not really enough food Dad would be fed first as he had heavy manual job and if not strong enough to work all day shoveling coal into furnace at the steel works he would be sacked then there would be much ,much less food for everyone, but he would never buy beer or tobacco unless housekeeping left over
( he also said that often some women would be waiting on pay day to get the cash straight away or it would be spent in pub while kids went hungry)
so there are occasions when adults needs have to prioritised over childrens needs but it is not often just like other examples like needing medication etc, also though child's needs should be put first sometimes they can wait a short time if the parent is working on something and the child is hungry they can wait 10-15 minutes until parent finished they are not straving it is about balance it is not that common that everyone's basic needs can't be met.

Novembersbean Sat 12-Oct-19 15:17:55

It seems that a lot of posters completely confuse putting a child first and spoiling them. The 2 have nothing to do with each other.

Isn't that the point, though? That a lot of people justify blatantly spoiling their children by bringing out the old saying "my kids always come first". You see it all the time on here.

MintyMabel Sat 12-Oct-19 15:25:43

she said I’m the least self centred person I know in one paragraph... and in another said I don’t care les how people raise their children’s

(Actually I said DD is the least self centred person I know, but anyway...)

You misunderstand what being self centred is.

It isn’t being self centred not to judge other people, quite the opposite. I don’t think I’m so important that others should be doing as I do. I don’t believe mine is the only way. I believe my way works for my family and that’s all it needs to work for. It doesn’t impact on anyone else and therefore doesn’t make me any more or less important than anyone else.

Aunaturalmama Sat 12-Oct-19 15:38:34

My husband and I cosleep with our 3 year old because he needs to. He has neurological needs that need to be met. 90% of the time my husband sleeps with us, the other times (like if he is ill and snoring or our other child is having a hard night and needs comfort too there’s not enough space for us all) he gets the spare bed in his office.
I do not go around telling people of my sons medical issues but I do tell people that we cosleep and practice attachment parenting for him. A marriage will never struggle purely based on the fact that the couple doesn’t sleep in the same bed- there is always an other reason. A marriage should be strong enough to put your children’s needs before their own for those first few previous years that their brain matter develops attachment.

Aunaturalmama Sat 12-Oct-19 15:53:53

If anybody has a university email you can access a lot more scholarly peer reviewed journals. If you don’t use google scholar for peer reviews. Type in attachment parenting and you will see hundreds of peer reviewed journals from about the 1980’s until current. Most go along with this statement I grabbed from one of google scholar.
“There is substantial evidence that children with secure attachments in childhood develop more positive social–emotional competence, cognitive functioning, physical health and mental health, whereas children with insecure attachments are more at risk for negative outcomes in these domains“

You create a securely attached child by meeting their needs With love communication and reassurance in the first 2 to 3 years of life.

ThatMuppetShow Sat 12-Oct-19 16:00:02

That a lot of people justify blatantly spoiling their children by bringing out the old saying "my kids always come first".

I think the main point is to see if it's done in the interest of the child. Some people might have it completely wrong, but with the best intention (immunisation debate - both sides strongly believing they are doing what is best).

Parents giving tablets or plonking their kids in front of the tv: laziness, it's for their own benefit, none for the child at all.
Parents feeding their child rubbish food: laziness again, they can't be bothered to cook.

ThatMuppetShow Sat 12-Oct-19 16:01:45

Parents spending a fortune on a kids birthday party or on hundred of presents: it's to show off, it's not for their child at all.

MintyMabel Sat 12-Oct-19 19:23:36

the main point is to see if it's done in the interest of the child.

Why does it matter to you why it’s done?

Your following examples are just judgement.

A single mum juggling work shifts and kids clubs may well need to resort to fast food. She is prioritising which of the children’s needs she meets.

A mum who works full time and needs to be able to find some time to cook dinner or take a shower or clean the house might well use tech as a babysitter.

To assume always laziness without context is wrong. To label any parent as lazy is judgemental and unnecessary as it doesn’t affect you or your kids.

angelfacecuti75 Sun 13-Oct-19 19:29:13

I think that sometimes it's fine for a parent's needs to come first. When you are a family, sometimes someone else apart from the kid has to take priority, and that's ok and at other times , the kids take priority e.g. when you are ill or something. Or need an opticians appointment/Drs etc etc. I think it's natural for a parent to needc to refill their own cup because, if u don't look after yourself you definitely can't look after others as well. Ok , different for different situations e.g. a baby perhaps. But older kids yes fine, occasionally no problem.

ThatMuppetShow Sun 13-Oct-19 20:37:07

To label any parent as lazy is judgemental and unnecessary as it doesn’t affect you or your kids. It doesn't affect my kids, but it affects the kids in question, and if it 's true, what else would you call it.
Being a working mum has never meant junk food was the only option for example, that's just lazy. It's a choice, but a lazy one.

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