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AIBU?

She's pregnant....

66 replies

verasbra · 20/08/2019 21:50

My best friend of 27 years has told me she's pregnant to a man she's been with for 9 months...moved him in after 3 months and engaged after 7 months.....he was multiple children to 5 different women. I can't believe she's been so stupid.

She already has one dd to a previous relationship. She's told me that he has told her 'you're different to the others' etc etc. He isn't involved in all of his other dcs lives though she won't tell me why.

Aibu to ask how you would handle this as a friend? I want to support her obviously but I don't feel I can right now. This is all going to end in tears. Her family don't like him at all and say he's cocky and arrogant though I can imagine they will be thrilled at the thought of another grandchild - she was adamant she didn't want anymore.

She wants someone to be happy for her....but that person isn't me.

OP posts:

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verasbra · 20/08/2019 21:53

That should say he has multiple children not 'was'

OP posts:

gruffalomom · 20/08/2019 21:53

If you are her friend then you just have to be happy for her and be ready to pick up the pieces

What's done is done. The time for a gentle warning was before they moved in together. If you value your friendship with her you need to bite your tongue

verasbra · 20/08/2019 21:56

@gruffalomom I do value our friendship, I care for her a great deal. I don't want to fall out with her, her family and myself told her it was too soon but she wouldn't listen. She thinks he's a catch and is so happy he's proposed and really wants a future with her. He's been married before, don't know how many times. I suppose love is blind.

I'm just disappointed I suppose. I'll be there for her as best I can.

OP posts:

cheesydoesit · 20/08/2019 21:56

Yeah, agree with the above. Try not to get sucked into the inevitable drama. Her boyfriend sounds like my cousin, only he is onto child number 8 with woman number 7. Gross pig.

soloula · 20/08/2019 21:56

Bite your tongue and be there for her when it all goes to shit.

verasbra · 20/08/2019 21:59

Ok taken all board thanks! I'm seeing her on Friday and I really needed some advice on how to be/what to say when I see her face to face

OP posts:

Mermaidoutofwater · 20/08/2019 22:07

Stay close to your friend, be excited about the baby and neutral about her boyfriend. He sounds potentially abusive and I would be worried about him isolating her. At best, he sounds like he will abandon her and the baby.

LL83 · 20/08/2019 22:10

It's tough but as pp said just be there when it falls apart.

For Friday can you be happy she is happy? Nice for dc1 to be a sibling, talk about pregnancy? I think that will be easier than anything about him.

Hopefully she doesn't gush about how wonderful a dad he will be. Lots of self control I suppose.

If you feel on friday you are being fake then remind yourself it's her life, her decision and nothing you can say she doesn't know and that you are hoping for the best but expecting the worst and dont want to push her away but criticising him.

Toneitdown · 20/08/2019 22:13

It is done now. She's having the baby. There's no point in warning her about anything, it's too late. She wouldn't thank you for it anyway.

If I was you I'd also be very worried but I'd keep it to myself. You don't have to jump for joy and tell her you think they're a great couple and all that, but I would certainly keep things friendly and happy. When she talks about it just focus on her and the baby and nice things to do with that. You don't have to engage in any conversations about her partner. I'd try to avoid talking about him.

NameChangerOfTheNorth · 20/08/2019 22:16

Just be there for when it all ends in tears. Do not say you told her so when it does.

brightfutureahead · 20/08/2019 22:18

For starters, please don’t go telling her she’s stupid. I think it’s a really horrible thing to say to a pregnant woman and it’s really unhelpful.

All you need to do is just be there for her no matter what happens. If she asks for your opinions, tell her tactfully what your concerns are. Help her enjoy her pregnancy and don’t be negative about it every time you’re with her. Try to share her excitement and make it a happy experience for her. And if things get tough for her, be there for her and support her. That’s all you can do really.

RosaWaiting · 20/08/2019 22:20

“He isn't involved in all of his other dcs lives though she won't tell me why. ”

I’d be concerned about this, if she’s staying with someone who is a criminal or something, I’d feel no loyalty.

didkdt · 20/08/2019 22:20

What she needs is a friend who is going to be there for her through good times and bad, for her this is a good time, there may or may not be a bad. But if she is your friend, be a friend, and trust me I have learned from watching others wade in with their size 13 feet that it doesn't end well if you go in offering your opinion on their relationship

WorraLiberty · 20/08/2019 22:25

I want to support her obviously but I don't feel I can right now.

Why not?

You can still support someone without being happy for them.

Friends/parents/siblings/grandparents do this all the time.

Just be there for her now and when it all goes to shit.

SarahAndQuack · 20/08/2019 22:27

Definitely bite your tongue.

I agree with you, it looks bad. And she will need you if (or probably when) it falls apart.

But I think you need to remember that the individual pieces of this picture aren't automatically indicative of something bad happening (and this is what she'll be telling herself). My DP and I started trying for a baby when we'd not been together nine months; it happens. Likewise, she will know or know of people who moved in together very quickly for whom it all worked.

I'd try my hardest to act as you normally would about good news. Tell her congratulations. Chat to her about baby names. Etc. To me, this situation has red flags for abuse. I would worry she'll get cut off from her friends, if he spins her the 'you are different and you understand, no one understands me' line (which already seems to be in place). So, you need to be the friend who isn't criticising, who is happy for her. That way, you'll stay on good terms and you will be there when she needs you.

OwlBeThere · 20/08/2019 22:34

this isn't about you or your feelings about him, if shes your best friend you will be happy she's happy and there to pick up the pieces if and when it goes wrong.

Hadenoughofitall441 · 20/08/2019 22:35

I know someone who got wth a guy who already has 4 kids with 4 different women, kudos to him he’s a great dad and has custody of his boy but now she’s pregnant. Interested to see how long before they split up.

C0untDucku1a · 20/08/2019 22:36

She wont believe anything you say, so just be supportive.

Weezol · 20/08/2019 22:39

So, you need to be the friend who isn't criticising, who is happy for her. That way, you'll stay on good terms and you will be there when she needs you.

Absolutely - park the judgement. You don't have to like him, you support your friend in her pregnancy regardless.

Yes, it probably will all go to hell in a handcart, but you can't fix it for her, just be there if it does.

Nothingcomesforfree · 20/08/2019 22:41

I ‘m in my 40’s. I have one friend who’s dating a ridiculously young man, one who has been the OW, one married to someone completely unsuitable so she could have a child.
It matters not what you think or say.
Maybe be happy that she has a baby she wanted. That’s hers. Even when the relationship goes tits up she’ll have her baby. Make that the positive.

Ravenblack · 20/08/2019 22:47

@verasbra

Not sure this is your business or anything for you to get worried about.

And..... Your 'friend of 27 years?'

How old is she?

WorraLiberty · 20/08/2019 22:59

If they met at school (for example) she could be 31?

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Perunatop · 20/08/2019 22:59

It may be time for you to distance yourself. You are not obliged to pick up the pieces of a friend's terrible decisions.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 20/08/2019 23:00

We had an admin assistant at work years ago, did a similar thing, she was early 20's, he was 40's and didn't work.
had 5 kids to 3 women I think, can't remember full details but it was definitely 5 kids and at least 2 mums.
They are still together now I believe (from social media) and the child is 11?
It isn't ideal but life isn't.

Ilady · 20/08/2019 23:00

I know it's not easy to see a friend getting pregnant with a man like him. It one thing having a child/children with different woman. Hearing that he is not involved with his other DC lives and how no one understands him like her would be waring me of possible trouble ahead.
I know you want to say something like -what are you thinking of ect.
If you say anything bad the pregnancy or about him she won't be happy.
I would ask when is the baby due ect and try to mention him as little as possible.
Hopefully it might turn out ok for her but if it does not she will be glad if a friend then.

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