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I would really appreciate your views on this please

(56 Posts)
howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 13:59:17

I have changed a view details but essentially how would you feel in this situation? DD was very badly bullied for about six months by a few girls. It was absolutely horrendous and the bullying was very cruel. These girls did everything they could to humiliate and ridicule Dd. I noticed that Dd became very unhappy and withdrawn as did some teachers. Eventually it came out (Dd burst out crying and told me everything). The school were informed. The girls who were responsible were very much the queen bee and her entourage types. Very bright and very popular. The school love these girls and their parents. To be fair the girls admitted what they had done and said sorry to Dd. I think the main queen bee got a day long suspension. I don’t want to go into detail about the bullying go fear of being outed (I have namechanged) but the bullying was sustained and some of it had a sexual element. It was very weird and very humiliating. If we had gone to the police I believe the girls would have been in big trouble.
Here’s my problem. The queen bee who was at the heart of this has just been made head girl. I am incredibly angry and upset and I wonder how others would feel in the same position?

coldshins Sat 27-Apr-19 01:19:38

It's not too late to involve the police if that's what your daughter wants. It's never too late.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 18:47:19

That is very wise Sindragosan

Sindragosan Fri 26-Apr-19 18:29:59

I understand on a personal level that it hurts, but it is a good life lesson if you want to call it that, that not everyone in a position of power is a good person.

I had a sheltered life and was then massively shocked when I went to university and one of the senior lecturers was a massive racist, misogynist bully. Same when I started work, majority of the senior management team were real arseholes.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 18:20:30

The bully and their entourage did stop the bullying but they still swagger around the school like they own it. Bully has made racist comments in the past and has a superiority attitude and whilst I have had little to do with them since it happened I can’t imagine they have completely changed.

bellinisurge Fri 26-Apr-19 18:20:22

I'd be annoyed. A little bit of me would want to fast forward to 35 years later and see what a shocking mess they made of their lives. As I am in my 50s, I can actually do that about some queen bee types I knew at school. But this is of little comfort when you are in the middle of it.
The school has fucked up.

NormHonal Fri 26-Apr-19 18:19:44

My DC’s bully was allowed to stay on in a similar position of responsibility in spite of being punished repeatedly for poor treatment of others.

I made my feelings known. Not a lot changed.

Sadly it’s very much a school where the Queen Bees are allowed to flourish at the expense of others, and it makes the lives of other children miserable.

BackInTime Fri 26-Apr-19 18:11:37

Students who have behave in this way should be excluded from being Head Girl or Boy. What kind of message does this send to bullies and their victims? Also what kind of message does is send to other students, that are kind and well behaved but go unnoticed and never get picked for these things.

ThatssomebadhatHarry Fri 26-Apr-19 18:05:26

I went to a teacher training session once where the trainer suggested cosying up to the queen bee to make others fall in line. I actually felt sick. What does this teach kids about their roles in the world and who are we encouraging in positions of power and influence? Fubar!!!

Booboostwo Fri 26-Apr-19 18:00:29

What is the girl’s behaviour like now? Has she learnt from her awful behaviour two years ago? Is she genuinely remorseful? If she is a different person, it would be really counterintuitive for the past behaviour to continue having negative consequences. She is a child who made an awful mistake that resulted in substantial harm to another, innocent child, but if she has faced up to this mistake it should not rule her entire school career.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 17:56:55

That is very insensitive whatthefunk. I wonder whether schools don’t think or don’t care in situations like that.

Whatthefunk Fri 26-Apr-19 17:11:13

Schools can be very insensitive. My Dd was bullied badly, in year 5. And at the end of year awards, he was given a prize for maths, the prizes were given out in pairs, and he had to go on stage with his bully. Really took the shine off his achievement, for him....

ScrewyMcScrewup Fri 26-Apr-19 17:06:43

Really awful. In my school and sixth form the head girl and boy were chosen by the teachers, which is as it should be IMO.

InTheHeatofLisbon Fri 26-Apr-19 17:05:09

howwudufeel flowers

I think also that even if she is a reformed bully the school ought to think about how her actions impacted her victims and avoid rewarding that because it doesn't send a constructive message to those she hurt.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 17:02:25

That’s what I was thinking InTheHeat.

InTheHeatofLisbon Fri 26-Apr-19 16:59:41

I think it would be unfair to continue to punish her

I don't think that not rewarding bullying by not allowing her to become head girl is a punishment. It's a consequence.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 16:58:33

I am trying to move on but it is difficult.

BlingLoving Fri 26-Apr-19 16:50:43

I'm going to go against the grain here. It happened two years ago. I think it would be unfair to continue to punish her. Of course, that assumes that her behaviour DID change subsequently and that she learnt her lesson.

recrudescence Fri 26-Apr-19 16:47:10

You should write to the head expressing your very great displeasure but also accept that is all you can practically and realistically do. Try to draw a line under it there because it’s a shame you find it so troubling still - your daughter seems to have moved on and I feel you should try to as well.

IvanaPee Fri 26-Apr-19 16:14:00

I think I’d write an email/letter to the head just outlining my disgust. I really do.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 16:11:22

It’s just eaten me up so much. Anyone who has been bullied or who has a child that’s been bullied has my total sympathy. It’s an horrendous thing to experience.

ThatCurlyGirl Fri 26-Apr-19 15:37:31

I hate that I didn't realise until literally just now how my reaction would be even stronger and angrier if a head boy was elected after bullying a fellow pupil with a sexual element to the bullying.

I really am so sorry this happened to DD and glad that she's out of the situation x

Richymondo Fri 26-Apr-19 15:18:04

MrsSpenserGregson I wonder if you could take this to the police given that it sounds a lot like cyber stalking. I would take this seriously as I had a friend whose bully continued stalking her after she had left her school to go to a separate sixth form, and it still affects her to this day. I would also investigate a solicitor's "cease and desist" (if that's possible) letter. I suppose what I'm saying is, don't let the bully get away with it, just because it's social media, doesn't mean it's less harmful.

howwudufeel Fri 26-Apr-19 15:07:28

Thank you again for the responses. I hope you appreciate that I have changed a couple of details and I don’t feel that I can give all the facts here but I have tried to give the gist of it.

Vulpine Fri 26-Apr-19 15:00:47

I'd complain to the school. I tbink that's awful

AryaStarkWolf Fri 26-Apr-19 14:58:09

I would be livid and I'd probably go to the school and let them know that too

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