To HATE being a manager?!!

[Gamechanger12e3]

I know its not really an AIBU. But please someone help.. I just hate my job after being promoted.

I dont think i like being in 'authority' and having to have confrontation with colleagues. I hate everyone reporting to me, telling on eachother and constantly needing my help/support for every little thing.

I was promoted 1 year ago to manage a team. I'm only in my late twenties and was actually a manager for a short while after graduating. I couldn't hack the staffing issues/office politics. It wrecked havoc with my mental health having to constantly rein in staff and then being bitched about for doing my job. When i left i vowed to never go into managing staff again unless it was my own business.

Fast forward several years and i was encouraged by other senior members in my profession to go in for a promotion. Took a long time to be persuaded and when i got the job a year ago, i thought itd be different this time. I honestly thought that maybe it was because i was so young with little work experience that i couldn't handle it last time.

This time... Its also bad. I have women twice my age bitching about eachother and telling tales. People not doing their jobs right that i have to confront.
I only seem to have 2 options in this type of role.

Option 1 - pull someone up nicely on an error or problem and have them bitch about me for it to the rest of the staff team. no matter my approach/support people hate being pulled up.
Option 2 - ignore it and then be a walk over and let bad practice continue to happen.

If you take away the staffing issues, the job itself i love. But i spend hardly any time doing my job because im constantly having to babysit staff.

I think my issue is, im a friendly outgoing type character. I'm normally always friends with all my colleagues and never get into any type of disputes. Before being promoted there wasnt 1 person id ever had a cross word with. I can be aasertive with colleagues on equal footing to myself but have never really had to be.

In this role its almost inevitable though. Everyday theres something. Someone turns up late.. I have to say something. If i don't they'll start taking the piss with lateness. Someone else wants to book a certain week off. I have to say no due to staffing and then they have the hump with me.

I can't do right for doing wrong! I feel its either i do my job well and everyone bitches about me, or i say nothing and im a crap manager!!

I'm very fair to everyone and respectful but grown adults still can't hack being told no.

Ive spoken to other managers about this and they just don't care what their subordinates think of them. So long as the job gets done and they know theyve been fair.

I think im just not cut out for management. I'm gonna give it another year so i have 2 years under my belt and then move on if it doesnt improve. But in the meanwhile.. Is there any advice anyone can please give me?

I feel if i don't develop my management strategies soon then my mental health will take a tumble like last time.

Any advice/constructive criticisms would be much appreciated.

[Motherofcreek]

There are loads of great books on Amazon. Have a look. I can’t remrber the names but there was s good emotional intelligence one for at work and good managing skills for work place.

You are doing well for such a young age. I’m 49 this year and feel like hiding myself some days when I’m in and I own the bloody place

[Motherofcreek]

40!!! Fuck me I added ten years on me

[IceRebel]

But in the meanwhile.. Is there any advice anyone can please give me?

You've already had the best advice you can be given.

they just don't care what their subordinates think of them. So long as the job gets done and they know theyve been fair.


Also it sucks but who cares if your colleagues bitch about you, they'd have less to bitch about if they weren't late or telling tales. Also if they're the sort to do so, then i'm sure they bitched about you before you were made a manager.

[Lefty1]

I’m also a manager and I think with that you have to take people talking about you behind your back as part of the package . It’s inevitable, don’t take it personal. Treat everyone fairly is the best approach.
Try and think about the positives that you bring to the team , are you in control of their personal development ? I personally find it really rewarding watching a person become a more fine tuned professional with my help. Also remember that as managers we are likely to influence a member of staffs well being more so then their own doctor, crazy I know ! I learnt this on a mental health course. You have a great opportunity to help them raise their own bar if that makes sense , maybe look at what positive things you can bring and the good things you’ve helped come to fruition and what future things you can work on with them?
Are there any awards in your industry that your team can look up focus on winning ? This would encourage team work more as opposed to back biting . Xx

[CrabbyPatty]

Just wanted to say I totally feel the same about my management role. I currently have respite on maternity leave. I do agree you have to accept its a lose-lose situation. You have to be tough to be a good manager and if you care what people think you will always struggle. Personally I'm quite ambitious so aspireto move up in my career but I still struggle with people management a lot. You need to decide whether you really want this hassle.

[CrabbyPatty]

I did a resilience course for managers which helped mostly because I found all the others there had the same issues as me. I also think back to my favourite managers. I didn't always agree or like their decisions and sometimes but I still liked and respected them

[HotSauceCommittee]

No, fuck ‘em, OP! Remember, it’s a two way street; you are fair and respectful and you also have to say “no”.
The best manager I ever had was human and would admit fault. I could also tell him to his face that he’d pissed me off. After a “debate” he said he’d rather hear it from me and discuss issues than have a member of staff saying what a wanker he was behind his back. He told me “no”, gave me the only bollocking that made me cry in my whole career (subtle crying ) and I still think he’s the best. He has also been promoted recently to senior management.
Be open, be fair, be firm. Remind staff of their responsibilities as professionals. Honestly, it’s not a popularity contest, but it you do good and believe in yourself (fake it for a bit if not), you’ll fly.
Ask your supervisor for an assertiveness course or formal management training. You can do it you just need steering and confidence.

[Doobigetta]

YANBU. People management is a crappy deal, especially if you’re lower or middle management. You really do just take shit from both ends, and have to behave better than those both above and below you for pretty much no reward. It probably gets a bit better from that perspective once you’re senior management, but then you’re in “always on” territory instead. I am determined never to line manage anyone ever again.

[maddiemookins16mum]

Top tip, think of the best Manager you ever had? Did people bitch about her? I had one, I honestly loved her and was gutted when she left, we all were, missed her like mad. Be like that person, fair, supportive, fun, firm, kind, funny, etc etc. I never heard a bad word spoken about my ex Manager ever.

[shortsaint]

You must ask for training. I was a manager at30 and hated it. Maturity (not emotional maturity, just being older!) helps. Training helps (time out with people doing the same as much as actual strategies). I had a mentor too. SO good. Was like having a therapist!

You must have something about you for you to be promoted. Always remember that. Go Girl!!

[shortsaint]

Oh and YES @maddiemookins16mum

Good managers are hard to find. I always try and be like ones I respected...

[StephsCaddy]

I absolutely hated being a manager.
I’ve been a manager in numerous places and it doesn’t really matter how you approach things - certain people will always be late, or have a piss take sickness record blah, blah, blah.

I’ve moved now moved into a more specialised, technical role and I’m much happier. I get paid more and have less stress. And I don’t have to listen to whining, moaning and bitching.

[bumblingbovine49]

I was a manager of a team on my 30s. I am not.any more ( now 54) and although in my current role I have the opportunity to apply to manage my team at the moment.. You couldn't pay me enough to apply. I quite enjoyed it and think I did it well when I.was younger but I.just can't be arsed with it again. It is too stressful.

[Gamechanger12e3]

My friend said to me the other day 'don't let other people run you out of a job or stop all the hard work you've done to get this far'.
I keep saying that to myself.
I think it doesnt help that one person in particular keeps telling me all the negative things said about me. Shes twice my age and only just qualified in our profession. She said she wants to be where i am in the future. So in the back of my mind i think she secretly is a bit resentful.

If i distance myself from the staff then i feel isolated from the team. But if i spend close time with them then i feel more invested in how they feel about me.

Ive told my senior manager that im struggling and the advice is 'dont worry about them, your doing a great job'.

I had a member of staff kick off earlier that they were stressed. The way they spoke to me wasnt acceptable but i had a client in with me so couldn't confront. I know im gonna have to pull them in tomorrow on it. So I'll be stressed out now all evening about this confrontation i have to have knowing it will result in them kicking off again. They have an attitude problem unfortunately that hasnt been managed before so they do as they like.

Before i took over managing this team their last manager basically didnt care and let them do what they want. They could turn up whenever and go home whenever and do the bare minimum. So I'm having to now work twice as hard to correct all that and get the team on track work wise.

Before managing this team i was in the same organization but a different department.

The only type of work setting i can compare it too is me being a nurse on a ward, then being promoted to sister nurse of another ward managing nurses and healthcare assistants. Its a similar type of thing.

[Gamechanger12e3]

Thanks guys your advice so far is really helpful and im writing it all down in bullet points.

I think accepting that i can't always be liked and will be actively disliked is something I'm just gonna have to get over. I think it goes against my personality type. If someone is upset then im usually the first to br a shoulder to cry on and listen to venting. But when your the one causing the distress and upset (for justifiable and fair reasons) then what can you do?

Sometimes i just wanna scream 'i really don't give a fuck about what susan said to becky yesterday. Get a grip your twice my friggin age!!' but of course i can't. Instead i grit my teeth and put on a face of warm concern.

[CrazyBaubles]

I'm not sure if this would work in your work environment but when I managers a team (a while ago), I copied a strategy my favourite manager used.
She basically had a meeting with the team when she took over and used it to explain what she expected from her team and what they could expect to get from her. It wasn't overly detailed but included her expecting the team to be on time, to raise issues to her early and ideally with an idea of a solution, to be professional when discussing things etc. In turn she said we could expect fairness, she would muck in and help, and do her best to get us to whichever job we were aiming for.
This worked well when I took over a team - it set my stall out early I think, and set the tone for the team.
I also took my team out for lunch (on company money).

As for people bitching about each other, if it isn't work related, tell them to sort it out amongst themselves. Sit them down together if needs be and explain their issues aren't work related and you don't want to hear about it anymore. Then ask them how they plan to resolve it.

That said, people management isn't for everyone and I wouldn't want to do it now!!

[RubyWho]

OP, I feel you. Line managing is a mugs game. I’d never realised how much time it takes up in addition the what you need to do in your role. No advice, just solidarity.

[flashbac]

Try coaching techniques. If someone comes to you with a silly problem ask powerful and probing questions to turn it round and make them solve the issue themselves. There are training courses you can go on to learn how to do this.

[itsboiledeggsagain]

My top tip is to give feedback as quickly as you can. Try to manage your time to avoid having to dwell on things overnight. Call them in straight after the meeting and ask them how they thought it went. Go from there

I am interested in this thread as a senior manager grappling with demotivated middle managers. I am trying to come up with useful strategies to bring them through. So welcome tips my way!

[whiteroseredrose]

Pack it in. I hated all of my management jobs. The relief at only being responsible for my own results and not being an agony aunt!

[StephsCaddy]

It’s a mugs game being a middle manager. Unless you’re fairly confident that you’ll be promoted to senior management quite quickly then don’t bother.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

I feel your pain - managing staff can be thankless and irritating.

However I think you need to let go of your focus on your age. Late twenties is not unusually young to be managing a team, nor is it unusual to manage staff older than you. it is unlikely to be an issue unless you make it an issue.

[Lefty1]

Sometimes i just wanna scream 'i really don't give a fuck about what susan said to becky yesterday. Get a grip your twice my friggin age!!'

Op you can get this message across just word it differently . As soon as it goes into office politics/ back biting I would set the tone : “ we’re all adults here, I’m not interested in what anybody says about me behind my back , I trust that a team member will approach me directly if they have an issue they want to discuss or are unhappy with” then she will probably get the message that you are above listening to shit stirring.
Someone said earlier about setting out roles and responsibilities/ key expectations that you expect from them all so maybe highlight that in a team meeting. Along with being punctual and any other key issues that require addressing. You can’t please everyone all of the time , just be fair . x

[LemonBreeland]

Can you ask your boss if it is possible to go on a course to help you learn how to manage people?

[cuppycakey]

I am not sure why Option 1 is such a problem - why do you care what they are saying? They aren't your friends and it comes with the territory in the situation you describe.

Tell the person who keeps feeding all the negativity back to you to pack it in.