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To be upset my boyfriend has been off the radar

(72 Posts)
WrexhamBuxom Tue 19-Mar-19 10:50:23

My boyfriend went on holiday/to visit family a few days ago. It was just for a short visit, a few days.

We have been in touch a couple of times, both of which I initiated. He has not messaged me in and of his own doing.

I'm hurt and bothered. Checking in doesn't take very long. A "I'm having a great time, can't wait to see you soon" takes all of a few seconds. And, I am sure there are a few minutes prior to bed each night that he has to himself that he could have time for a quick message. It's not like he is out with his family ALL day, then collapses into the bed at night with no warning.

AIBU? Should I be upset? I am not necessarily worried, though maybe I should be. Just hurt that he seems to be radio silent for now.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Tue 19-Mar-19 10:53:58

It wouldn't bother me to be honest he's with family, he's only gone for a few days and you've been in touch a couple of times already. I worked away a lot prior to mat leave and wouldn't speak to DH every day.
How long have you been together?

TheHolySmirk Tue 19-Mar-19 10:57:19

I don't message home every time I go away.

I assume that if something needs urgent attention, someone will contact me, but having to check in every day would irritate me enormously.

thecatsthecats Tue 19-Mar-19 11:01:42

I'm in two minds about this.

My husband and I don't call every night when we're apart. We message, but the full on chats just aren't our thing - my sister is the opposite, and will take a call from her husband if we're only out for the evening together and she'll see him in a couple of hours. Sometimes we don't message each other, sometimes I'll admit I wait for him to message me - which he does, but slower than I'd message him.

However, when i do want to be in touch with him, I get annoyed that he doesn't make the time for it to happen. I.e. on Christmas Day - which we had never spent together - he would happily let his day be 100% dictated by family plans, and would hum and hah about finding 20 sodding minutes away from them to talk to me. That I find ridiculous. He went completely back into dependent child mode, as if he couldn't possibly miss a game of sodding charades.

So I guess it depends what your messages say. Did you want to catch up, and did you say so to him? Or were your messages brief and breezy?

TixieLix Tue 19-Mar-19 11:02:22

If it's only a few days he's gone, and he's responding when you initiate contact, then hopefully all is ok. You sound a little insecure about the relationship OP. How long have you been together? Is he normally quite attentive to you?

Shodan Tue 19-Mar-19 11:28:51

I'd find it hurtful too, and worrying, but DP and I text a lot when we're not together, so it would be very unusual.

If you and your boyfriend have a pattern of not texting much, I wouldn't be worried, but yes, still a bit hurt I think.

FriarTuck Tue 19-Mar-19 11:35:42

He's with his family. Maybe they'd not be too impressed if he was constantly reaching for his phone instead of focusing on them. Let him be.

GottaGoGottaGo Tue 19-Mar-19 12:24:14

He only went a few days ago and you have been in contact a couple of times. He hasn't been off the radar he has been with his family. You are smothering him and it's a sure fire way to make him drop off the radar permanently! How old are you and is he your first boyfriend?

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon Tue 19-Mar-19 12:26:08

Lots of possibilities...
Could he be with a dw +dc?

RedSkyLastNight Tue 19-Mar-19 12:26:57

I think it depends what sort of couple you are. If you are constantly texting each other, then I can see this is a bit upsetting. If you aren't then I can't see why it's a big deal. A "having a great time, see you soon" text is hardly vitally important communication.

ShatnersWig Tue 19-Mar-19 12:27:17

How long have you been together?
Do you live together?
Do you normally text each other a lot?

Drogosnextwife Tue 19-Mar-19 12:32:47

I think it all depends on how long you have been together. Do and I used to text regularly throughout the day when we first met and for a couple of years after. Even when we lived together. Now we go all day without texting or phoning, sometimes DP can go away with work and I wouldn't think to contact him unless I need to ask something, he always phone or texts for a chat at some point and thinks I'm weird for not thinking to contact him 😂. I'm just not that bothered. How long has it been since you heard from him?

Drogosnextwife Tue 19-Mar-19 12:35:05

DP not Do

EnglishRose13 Tue 19-Mar-19 12:36:04

My ex used to do this to me. He went away a lot.

The answer - he just wasn't that in to me.

Theoldwoman Tue 19-Mar-19 12:46:19

No, I wouldn't be upset. Maybe he doesn't want to be in touch at the moment? Having second thoughts? Not that into you?

WrexhamBuxom Tue 19-Mar-19 22:30:48

Thanks for all the replies. There seems to be a number of similar questions, so I will address some of the like-minded questions now. I will address more specific comments later if need be.

We have been together 11 months, but no we don't live together. We are both in our 30s, and it is both of our first relationship. When we are not together, we are in touch most days, nearly every day, but hey, sometimes it's okay to have a break from each other. I would say he initiates most of the time 60/40 or maybe 65/35 him/me.

He does go quieter when on holiday and/or visiting family. And, I'm okay with that. But, he will usually reach out at some point, even if it's just a picture and a brief checkin. If I hadn't messaged him, I really don't know if he would have messaged me at all.

WednesdaySpinner Tue 19-Mar-19 22:38:44

After 11 months I would expect at least one text to check in (even if it was just in the evening before he goes to bed). Do you have the kind of relationship where you could speak to him when he gets back and explain how you feel and ask if he would mind checking in every now and then? It may not have even crossed his mind that you would be expecting to hear from him and, if you don’t usually speak every day, he may well have been planning on texting you when he got back.

WrexhamBuxom Tue 19-Mar-19 22:50:52


Yes, breezy. The first one was just checking in to make sure he had arrived safely and had a good flight. Easy. The next day was his birthday, so obviously I had to send him a Happy Birthday message. He did reply to both and sent me pictures and we talked a decent amount.


No. I am very, very, VERY certain that isn't the case. I am not sure I would ever say I was 100% sure of something but...99.9%. I'm not saying he might not be meeting other girls. But, I would be stunned if he had a w+c. It would mean that a) he doesn't live with them b) he has a bachelor pad with roommates where he keeps all of his stuff c) His vehicle is not a family friendly vehicle. I am not saying it's impossible. But, with as much time as I have spent with him, at his place, at mine, or anywhere else... I just cannot see it.

If anything, the thing I would be most worried about is one of his sisters would want to set him up with a friend or something. He is very close to his family, and I could see him willing to appease them. And, if they thought he would get on with someone, I am sure they would have some pull.


Saturday night was the last I heard from him. We have a getaway planned/booked for this weekend, and I am kind of panicking.

BackforGood Tue 19-Mar-19 22:56:47

It wouldn't bother me at all.
In fact, I find it quite odd - indeed, rude - when grown adults are staying with me for a night or two and feel the need to go off to their room to phone / message their other half.

dh goes away quite a lot - both work and through his hobby - and I don't expect to hear from him unless there is some change of plan I need to know about, or something we particularly need to discuss. Whilst he is away, I expect that he will be focusing on the people he is with, in the same way as when I am away, I wouldn't be messaging him left right and centre.

WrexhamBuxom Wed 20-Mar-19 03:26:31


Understandable. When we are together, he is pretty good to put the phone away, as I try to do as well. I think I check in with my family and friends a little more than he does; I don't disappear into another room on him, for sure. I even feel guilty rolling over in bed to check my phone sometimes.

And yes, when I am visiting family, I typically put my phone away for hours at a time sure. But, still...when we go out to the store or to eat or go run errands or whatever, I will have my phone on me then. And, those moments before bed. Or first thing in the morning. I have to imagine at some point, he has his phone out to check into his flight or get directions or something.

At some point, it is a conscious choice not to text. I can understand being busy with your family and enjoying time on holiday, but at some point, you are making an active decision not to message a loved one.

Update: he was supposed to land yesterday, and I still haven't heard from him. I am going to say benefit of the doubt that he is exhausted from his journey.

Monty27 Wed 20-Mar-19 03:50:45

Depends whether he has signal or not.
However it's rather thoughtless not to manage to at least say hi from a landline or a borrowed mobile that has signal battery.
I wouldn't buy it personally. hmm

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 Wed 20-Mar-19 03:54:20

Just message and say hi, all good for the weekend? This really seems like anon-issue to me. I can't quite figure out what you are panicking about in fact. In the nicest possible way, chill smile

EmeraldShamrock Wed 20-Mar-19 05:05:15

My boyfriend went on holiday/to visit family a few days ago. It was just for a short visit, a few days
You said it was only a short trip to see him family, I am sure he is busy catching up, when DP goes to see his family twice we talk/text very little.
I know he'll be back soon, we can chat when there is time.
I think YABU.
Speak to him about it when he gets returns, I wouldn't have the conversation to worry him on his short visit.

EmeraldShamrock Wed 20-Mar-19 05:06:23

*Twice a year.

recrudescence Wed 20-Mar-19 05:52:18

I get the feeling that you’re thinking about this too much and getting yourself a bit overwrought. What seems a big deal to you might not have crossed his mind as something especially significant.

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