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DS and not wanting to upset ex GF

(77 Posts)
StorybookWolves Tue 05-Mar-19 09:13:31

DS is 16 and has been going out with a girl who's only 14, for about 6 months. It's been quite innocent, partly due to her age and partly because DS is rather innocent himself. They only met up about once a week and it hasn't got much further than holding hands and texting type of thing, but I know DS liked her a lot and hoped it would continue.

The gf has had some mental health issues with anxiety and self harm, and in general seems a bit fragile. This plus the age difference made me think it might not last, and 2 weeks ago she ended it, saying it's all a bit much for her and she couldn't handle having a BF right now. DS was upset but also understands she is young and maybe it was for the best. They have agreed to be friends.

DS and ex gf attend a group activity every week where they play a sport (won't say what as outing) and then the group usually goes to a coffee place afterwards and socialise for an hour or two. DS has another friend who's a girl and he has said to me he would like to get to know her better. He wants to invite her to the sporting activity and then for coffee. This would be as friends, but DS does hope if it goes well that they might start going out in the future.

My question is, would it be unreasonable of DS to ask the potential new GF along to the activity where ex GF and he go?

Extra info so as not to drip feed:
- This was DS's first relationship
- He has been neglecting other friends to focus on ex GF and I have been encouraging him to see other people and try to make new friends
- He doesn't do much else socially as busy at college, this is the main thing he does during the week where he sees friends
- He doesn't want to ask the new female friend to do anything one on one as he thinks it's a bit soon, but would like to get to know her in a group situation
- I talked to ex GF's mum and ex GF is quite upset after the break up, but, it was her choice to end it, and I don't want DS to miss chances to make new friends while trying not to hurt ex GF.

Would DS BU to ask potential new GF to the sports activity?

Ribbonsonabox Tue 05-Mar-19 09:16:48

I think he would be being U if they have only just broken up, yes. You know the girl is quite fragile and very young, shes unlikely to be able to deal with that well.
Can your son not invite his new friend to something that the ex doesn't do? Or even just to the cinema with some other friends invited as well? I d9nt see why he needs to take her to the activity the ex does?

CaptainMarvelDanvers Tue 05-Mar-19 09:18:02

It will cause drama, have him set up a different group activity with his friends and the new girl.

StorybookWolves Tue 05-Mar-19 09:25:15

Yes, I do see your point. Do you not think it would be more hurtful to ex to set up a new activity / social meet up and exclude ex, though?

Gruzinkerbell1 Tue 05-Mar-19 09:26:33

Your son could end up with a whole stream of ex girlfriends at his hobby. Tell him to focus on the hobby itself instead of using it as a dating setup. There are plenty of other places that he could invite this girl to.

It's good that he's staying friend with his ex, but this might not happen the next time and what happens if he has a bad breakup but the next ex decides to keep going to the hobby? He could end up being forced out of something that he loves. Explain to him that it would be a good idea to keep these aspects of his life separate for now, as much for his own sake as well as being sensitive to his ex girlfriend.

Smelborp99 Tue 05-Mar-19 09:28:25

It would be a terrible idea IMO to bring the potential GF to the same activity.

CaptainMarvelDanvers Tue 05-Mar-19 09:29:24

Out of the two options, it’s the best and kindest one to set up a different activity.

Bookworm4 Tue 05-Mar-19 09:34:04

Do you not think it would be more hurtful to ex to set up a new activity / social meet up and exclude ex, though?
Sorry? You think he should make a point of including the ex?
That's a bit weird, who includes their ex?
Arrange a cinema trip/ lunch, his activity is his hobby there's no need to include every girl he takes a fancy to.

StorybookWolves Tue 05-Mar-19 09:35:33

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. I think part of the problem is that DS doesn't have much social life outside this sport. He works one or two evenings, trains for the sport another evening, and college work takes up a lot of his other time.

It's a shame this has happened as they are a nice group of friends. Does this mean that DS can't get involved with anyone else who attends the activity? I'm feeling upset on his behalf that GF has ended it anyway, seems hard on him to have to keep on putting her first and protecting her.

Gruzinkerbell1 Tue 05-Mar-19 09:38:59

I think part of the problem is that DS doesn't have much social life outside this sport

Another reason why he should invite this girl somewhere else. He's cocooning himself. Life has so much more to offer!

whohaa Tue 05-Mar-19 09:41:13

You said it was two weeks ago they broke up. He needs to give it some time. Not only for the sake of the ex, but also to prevent him from getting a reputation!

CaptainMarvelDanvers Tue 05-Mar-19 09:42:08

It sounds more and more likely that this is about rubbing it in the face of a 14 year old girl with mental health issues because she broke it off.

Unless your son has additional needs, you’re way too involved.

sackrifice Tue 05-Mar-19 09:43:51

Why can't he just take her for a coffee somewhere?

At this rate he will have to either have all his exes witnessing a new girlfriend at the sport each time, or he will be a serial sport changer.

Smelborp Tue 05-Mar-19 09:44:03

I'm feeling upset on his behalf that GF has ended it anyway, seems hard on him to have to keep on putting her first and protecting her.

She’s 14. Your 16 yr old son shouldn’t really be dating someone so much younger and more vulnerable anyway.

Crustaceans Tue 05-Mar-19 09:44:59

Unless your son has additional needs, you’re way too involved.

I think this is the real issue.

Let him figure it out himself and make mistakes and all the stuff he needs to do to figure out relationships on his own.

Feelsdeadpeople Tue 05-Mar-19 09:46:50

Yep sack makes a good point. If he were to invite her and they eventually split up, DS could end up with a whole team of ex gfs grin

There are other things to do. Maybe DS is just suggesting this because it’s familiar & has worked before? Encourage him to try something new.

BlingLoving Tue 05-Mar-19 09:47:42

While I think it's a bit speedy for him to be considering hooking up with another girl, I don't really understand the excessive concern about the ex. She broke up with him. He is allowed to move on. And yes, I appreciate she may have some mental health problems (and frankly, at 14 there's also just the raging hormones and confusion that brings), but I honestly don't understand why its now his responsibility to manage her MH?

I'd tell him to wait a bit longer, because if for no other reason this girl could well be a rebound and once he invites her to th ehobby he runs the risk of yet another ex lurking at his favourite sport/hobby event each week. But otherwise, it's entirely up to him.

I also don't really understand why you're so involved.

CaptainMarvelDanvers Tue 05-Mar-19 09:56:02

blingloving

I don’t think it’s too speedy to have another girlfriend, he’s a teenager. I do think it’s considered good behaviour to not bring a new potential girlfriend to an activity where it’s long been established that his ex attends. That would be considered off if an adult did it, never mind drama llama teenagers.

People aren’t saying he can’t move on they are saying he should be a little considerate and not potentially cause any unnecessary hurt where it doesn’t need to exist.

It sounds like the ex broke up with him because she needed to concentrate on her wellbeing. I don’t think she should be punished for that, it’s an healthy behaviour and attitude to have.

ComeMonday Tue 05-Mar-19 09:56:49

Why don’t you encourage him to focus on the group of friends already in the activity rather than romantic relationships? It’s not healthy for him to, as you said, cocoon himself away from his mates at that age. In some ways it would be easier for him to just jump to a new relationship so he doesn’t have to renegotiate his place in the gang as a “single,” but that’s not the best thing for him at all. (I know you said this new girl is a friend but you also said something like it’s too early for him to see her alone, which suggests you (and he) are looking at this hopefully as a potential dating relationship.)

Also you need to take a step back and let him figure this stuff out on his own. I can just picture the thread 10 years from now— AIBU to break up with my BF bc his mother is too involved? And the answers would be of course YANBU across the board.

StorybookWolves Tue 05-Mar-19 10:02:32

"It sounds more and more likely that this is about rubbing it in the face of a 14 year old girl with mental health issues because she broke it off."

That's certainly not true from Ds's point of view. He's not like that and is worried about Ex and doing the right thing. I'm involved because he asked me about it. I can see from the replies this might be unusual for a 16 yo boy to talk to his mum about his love life but personally I'm glad he still feels he can. He's not very streetwise and this is his first relationship. I thought it was sad people suggesting I was weird or over involved for caring.

The suggestion about inviting the ex along to other things is because Ds and she are allegedly still friends. And the group of them who attend the sport are all friends. If he invited the others and not Ex, she's likely to hear about it and I'd imagine that would be very hurtful.

He doesn't want to ask potential GF one to one to do anything as that would seem more like a date. He doesn't want to date her or anyone right now, but he would like to see more of this new friend and get to know her better.

ComeMonday Tue 05-Mar-19 10:04:53

I just reread your post. You actually did say your DS hoped he and the new girl might start going out in the future. I don’t think it’s the healthiest thing for a 16 year old boy to go from relationship to relationship. In the future friendships will serve him in much better stead than a string of ex-girlfriends.

Honeyroar Tue 05-Mar-19 10:07:06

It's perfectly natural for a 16 yr old to date a 14 yr old Smellborp.

OP you need to flip it round. If he was the one hurting and had to endure his ex bringing in a new love interest to their shared hobby and chatting and flirting in front of him imagine how he'd feel..

If he wants to get to know and date this other girl that's fine, he's a free agent and can do so, but he should have the sensitivity to do it elsewhere snd away from the joint group. In a few months time when there's water under the bridge, fair enough, but to do it now would be selfish and thoughtless.

StorybookWolves Tue 05-Mar-19 10:07:11

"People aren’t saying he can’t move on they are saying he should be a little considerate and not potentially cause any unnecessary hurt where it doesn’t need to exist."

That's what he's trying to do, hence the thread. He thought it might be hurtful to ex. I feel a bit annoyed on his behalf - he's been dumped, dealt with it well and not shown ex how upset he's been, but he has to be protective of her. I can see this is right but I can still feel a bit annoyed for him! My feelings won't harm ex and I won't tell DS how I'm feeling. I started the thread to get objective opinions, which I'm grateful for.

StorybookWolves Tue 05-Mar-19 10:09:33

"You actually did say your DS hoped he and the new girl might start going out in the future"

Yes, in the future. Not now. He said to me he'd like to get to know her better as a friend. I've been encouraging him to develop some other friendships rather than focus on ex. This was one person he felt he'd like to spend more time with. I asked him if he wanted to see her as a gf, he said he might like that in the future.

StorybookWolves Tue 05-Mar-19 10:11:44

And I really don't think ds would be flirting with the new friend - he doesn't do flirting, he's very shy and as I said, rather innocent! My friend who helps out at the sporting activity told me that ex was interested in ds for months before he noticed!

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