friend at work making no effort to stay in touch

[officeworker36]

Hi,

Needing the opinions of new mums really on this please.

A friend from work who I (thought I) got on really well with recently had her baby before Christmas. As colleagues we used to talk or message each other on a daily basis about all sorts of stuff ranging from work issues to family, friends, what we were up to etc. sent each other pictures of random stuff and just generally had a laugh and a giggle. I always thought we got on really well, she used to talk to me about things that were affecting her and she told me she sometimes felt excluded by other members of our team and also of family problems she would be having, I always felt a close bond with her for telling me stuff like that.

The thing is she went on maternity leave before Christmas and I said to her before she left to stay in touch. I thought it would be best to leave her alone for the most part while she was off as I didn't want to be too overbearing. I messaged her a couple of times asking how things were going and she responded but not on the daily basis like we talked before. Then a matter of weeks passed without any contact from her and I then messaged her shortly before baby was due to wish her luck and hoped everything went ok to which I got a thanks.

Then the due date passed and the next thing I heard was a message off our boss to say she'd had the baby and sent some pics. At that time I just felt so hurt that she hadn't bothered to let me know herself after everything we had spoken about before!! I messaged the boss to tell him to pass my congratulations on to her as I didn't feel like I could do it myself. In hindsight I realise she probably did this out of convenience at the time and that it wasn't personal but I didn't initiate any contact myself as I was still quite hurt at the time.

I then received a message from her a few weeks later that was nothing to do with the baby but just some random chit chat stuff, I messaged back and told her baby was lovely etc and she said thanks and again we talked for a bit that day and the next and eventually we got on about Christmas parties and I asked if she was wanting to do anything. She said she would try but it depended on whether she could get anyone to have the baby, I said we could just do lunch or go for coffee and she should bring baby with her but I never got a response. So I thought I would leave it for her to come back to me about it, which she never did.

After that I never heard anything from her until Christmas day when I got what looked like a generic copy/paste merry Christmas message, I wished her one back but that was it, no further reply or anything.

So a few weeks later I asked how she was getting on again and if we would get chance to meet her new baby etc and she said everything was ok and she would sort something. Again that was the end of that.

So I asked again a couple of weeks after that and this time she said she had been messaging the boss about arranging to meet him for lunch. This time I just felt absolutely betrayed, that she'd made the effort to keep in touch with him and arranged to meet him for lunch (even though they've never bothered with anything like that before) but didn't have the common decency to stay in touch with me. So I left it there and I haven't heard from her since.

It's really annoyed me that she has made the time to meet her other friends and even go out for drinks with them, she has even arranged to meet new friends that she's made through baby clubs etc. I get that she has other friends that she classes as her real friends but I just can't believe that she can't find an hour out of her day to meet me for lunch or anything after everything we have been through and talked about. I've tried so hard at work to include her in things and made such an effort to be there for her and be a friend and it just feels like she has used me when she needed an ally and now she doesn't need me I have just been discarded.

I know she will be emotional at the moment and have other things on her plate, but she's still found time for other people and these are people that she's even complained to me about at times.

I just wanted the opinions of new mums really to hear what's going through your heads at times like this as I don't know if I'm just being a selfish idiot myself, but it's really been getting me down as I feel like I am losing a friend no matter how hard I try with her... or maybe I've been a fool and she was never really my friend?

[BrizzleMint]

Maybe now you don't work together she's realised that you don't have much in common? Plus meeting a former colleague for lunch when you have a newish baby isn't that convenient - it could be nap time or just difficult to relax and enjoy lunch out with a baby.

[HolesinTheSoles]

YANBU. I can see why she would make a special effort to see new friends from baby groups as she wants people with babies the same age to hang out with on maternity leave, but it's hurtful to see other colleagues and not you.

[Whatififall]

She was never a friend, she was a colleague you got on with.

Of course she has made time to meet up with your boss, she will be returning to work at some point.

[Honeypickle]

You are completely entitled to feel hurt and to miss your friend, but I’m assuming you don’t have children yet yourself? Your first baby turns your life upside down and it’s almost impossible to just meet for coffee or lunch in those early weeks. Everyone says it’s hard but until you go through it yourself, you genuinely have no idea. Hang on in there and hopefully in a few months (years) you’ll be able to reconnect socially. I very very much doubt it’s personal.

[BlueBuilding]

It's odd that you didn't contact her to congratulate her on her new baby. Surely that set the tone for everything that followed?

[M4J4]

Please don't give her any headspace anymore. Don't contact her anymore.

Just treat her like a colleague from now on.

And if she comes back from ML, don't let her use you to feel included again.

Concentrate on the people who value you.

[BMW6]

She's just not that into you.

[AmethystRaven]

Babies can be all-consuming in the beginning and if the baby doesn't sleep well/often cries when out/isn't a great feeder etc. then what sounds like a nice catch up to you might be a bit of an ordeal for her. Her family will be her priority at the moment, sometimes it takes a few months to find your feet. I'm sorry you feel so hurt but she really has had a massive life change! I think YABU a bit.

[officeworker36]

yes, I do have children. We used to talk about them all the time, that's why we got on well

and like I said I didn't contact her myself to congratulate her because I was feeling hurt after she didn't bother telling me herself so I asked our boss to pass that message on. But I have always made an effort with her in the past, even though that's never been reciprocated by her.

I think what I want to know is am I wrong to expect her to make the same level of effort that I have to maintain our "friendship"?

[FierceMother]

I'm guessing from your post that you don't have kids?
This may be a bit hard for you to comprehend and honestly I know that sounds condescending but it's really not meant to be!

It's just so much easier to spend time with other mums when you have a baby, they just get it and it's more comfortable to breastfeed and they don't need an explanation if you have baby sick on you or if your boobs leak or you have a poo explosion and you've run out of spare changes of clothes or your kid is screaming for seemingly no reason.

I think it also sounds a little bit like a lack of communication, she didn't message you, you didn't message her. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Dreamzcancometrue]

She's exactly how you worded it - a friend at work. Thats all, I would take it with a pinch of salt.

[FierceMother]

Cross posts... you do have kids? don't you get it then?
After giving birth and the trauma and stress of it all, she informed the essential people - her boss and close family. She probably didn't get around to you and others cos she assumed the boss would pass it on.
Just talk to her and sort it out or leave it.

[EmeraldShamrock]

It is a case of out of sight out of mind. Some works friends are great but they're work friends, I am really close to one girl in work, when I had a year out we didn't keep in contact, both busy with DC, now I am back we gave a good laugh and enjoy each others company.
The other side is the baby, it took me months to get it together after DD1, for a tiny bundle there's lots of work involved.

[IWantMyHatBack]

Fgs shes got a newborn.. Perhaps she's a bit busy?

[officeworker36]

ok thanks everyone, I guess I am being unreasonable then. I just wasn't sure

probably best to just leave her be

[SilverySurfer]

She was a colleague and you got on well - it's not obligatory for her to maintain the level of friendship that you want or think you deserve, it's entirely up to her, as is going out with other friends and making new ones. It's only natural that she will meet with her boss, as they will no doubt have to discuss her work situation and to be honest, suggesting that she has betrayed you is a little strange.

[officeworker36]

I felt betrayed because she always talked to me about how other people (including our boss) never made an effort with her or talked to her much and she would always tell me if she was pissed off at them. So I made the extra effort to include her in things, I guess I just expected her to make some effort to include me in stuff too 🤷‍♂️

It seems maybe that I've been trying too hard.

[Livelovebehappy]

Work friends are just work friends. I get on with people at work who I have built up strong friendships with over the years, but apart from the annual work Xmas parties I don’t see them outside a work environment. Not sure why that happens, but I guess it’s because subconsciously when you’re not at work you don’t want to send your free time with people who you spend most of your working day with.

[Margot33]

I can see that you feel hurt. I would too. I think that she views you as a colleague (not an actual friend), so treat her as such. Try and bond with someone else.

[officeworker36]

I think it may be a combination of other things that has me feeling this way too. I moved into this team 4 years ago and I left a team where we all got on really well, socialised a lot and had a laugh and I have struggled to adjust to a team where it seems everybody pretty much hates each other lol.

Now most of my former colleagues don't socialise any more so it feels like a slog going to work everyday and working with people I don't really get on with. She was the only person that I really talked to, so I suppose I'm just feeling a bit lonely at work.

[FullOfJellyBeans]

I've had similar happen to me - someone new started working with us - also new to the area so didn't know anyone. I made an effort to introduce her, include her, invited her out etc. She was really friendly but didn't bother me once she'd settled in. It definitely stung but I thought at least I'm a nice person.

[officeworker36]

as I say, I think I've probably been trying too hard with her. Looks like I need to back off and stop making the extra effort with her

[SheWoreBlueVelvet]

My friends came over to me when I had a baby. Dropped round cards or bought flowers. Perhaps others in your office made more effort?
You need to make it easier for a new mum to see you. Vague invites don’t cut it when you have babies.

[Springisallaround]

You haven't done anything wrong, you were friendly, would have liked to have been friends but for whatever reason, new baby, perhaps not wanting to be friends out of work, she hasn't responded in kind lately.

No-one is at fault here, but sometimes work friendships just don't quite translate outside the work place.

You sound lovely and for someone else, that would have been a great chance to make and keep a friend.

Just leave it now, you've been friendly enough, if she emerges out of the baby-fog and wants to be friends she can text you. Don't let this put you off though, I've found sometimes friends stick, sometimes they don't.

[ErickBroch]

Ah I feel for you, it is hurtful realising your friendship isn't the same to her as it is to you. You have tried, and sadly can see what it is now. It hurts for sure, but step back now and try and forget about it all - I would hide her posts from FB to help me move past it