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Husband helping out

(61 Posts)
ashog Mon 18-Feb-19 20:29:37

So I know everyone's circumstances are different but I'm getting to the point I'm ready to walk away. I'm a stay at home mum to a 3 year old (under investigation for asd) and a 6 month old. I cannot take them out on my own as my son has meltdowns, doesn't understand danger, can be pushy with other children and is a runner so I have to be be his side. My husband works full time. I get what I can done in the day but I will admit it's hard as I cannot leave either or both to leave downstairs so even to go to the toilet I have to time it well. So to get to the point cleaning of the floors, kitchen ect cannot be done until after he's home and the kids are in bed. Other half comes home and has his bath (as he's a bullder) then sits down all night.... while I cook tea, tidy up after the kids, sort the kids out, finally have a bath then I'm cleaning. I feel so worn out and feel he should help out. He does load the dishwasher and help put them to bed. Nothing else. I've asked numerous times for help and his opinion is he works and all this should be done in the day... easier said than done esp when it's wooden floors with him coming in in shoes and the toddler in and out the garden and then food from tea everywhere. Am I being unreasonable asking for help. I don't rest. He won't even cook if I refuse to he gets take out which we can't afford. He gets from 3 o'clock. I'm lucky some nights to get 1 hour which also means I'm going bed later and at the minute I am exhausted. If things don't change I want to walk away as I can do this on my own. We are not happy anymore as he says I'm always going on at him... im really starting to dislike him and his opinions on everything home related is my 'job'. I try most nights to talk to him but he's not the talking type and arguments happen.

Quartz2208 Mon 18-Feb-19 20:32:34

No he is

He is watching someone he cares about struggle and he just sits and says it’s your job

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon Mon 18-Feb-19 20:35:36

Imo you need to get a cleaner and a double buggy.
Feeling trapped in is awful.
Feeling like a dogsbody is also.
Get someone in to get on top of things and suggest to dh you draw up a rota as things can't continue as they are. Be calm, but mean it.

TheInvestigator Mon 18-Feb-19 20:38:49

What I did in this situation was ask him to take a weeks annual leave, then I went out during the hours he was usually out and told him we would be reversing roles. I’d be out the house working (I worked from home but just went and did it in a coffee shop) and he’d be the parent at him looking after the kids, cooking and cleaning. When I got home, I sat on my ass all night just like he did to me, and left him to deal with everything.

After a week, he understood.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 18-Feb-19 20:40:07

Tell him he pulls his weight or you're hiring a cleaner.

BonBonVoyage Mon 18-Feb-19 20:40:23

Could you leave him with the two kids at the weekend? The second he walks in on Fri afternoon pick up your bag and leave? No instructions, no meals left, a list of jobs on the fridge door. Head off to mum's /sister's/ friend's house. Arrive home Sunday night at 11:30pm.
Dramatic, but could you do it?

PtahNeith Mon 18-Feb-19 20:46:36

Are you his wife or his housekeeper and nanny?

Actually, if he had employed you as either I imagine he'd treat you with more respect. You're not on this earth to be his skivvy.

How do the arguments normally play out?

You deserve to be cared for and respected. Right now, you're not.

PurpleDaisies Mon 18-Feb-19 20:48:48

YABU asking for “help”. You would not be unreasonable in the slightest to tell him to step up and do his fair share.

DorothyZbornak Mon 18-Feb-19 20:49:15

He's being a complete cock. I don't blame you one bit for being ready to walk away.

adriano007 Mon 18-Feb-19 20:50:27

Hmmm... He is working. Full time. He is helping with the dishwasher and putting the kids to bed.
You are a SHAM. That is your job.

I only hear complain in your OP and no grace. When was the last time you thanked him for working and providing for you?

Do you take that for granted?

I never understood why some women only demands rather than pause and assess what they have. Men are so grateful for the smallest flatter!

I hope you try it before it is too late. Nobody wants a separation. You got married for a reason. You got two DCs for a reason. Remember that and cherish it.

(I know some of you will try to grill me, but this approach works for me)

PurpleDaisies Mon 18-Feb-19 20:52:33

Bloody hell adrian, did you notice we’re not in the 50’s any more?

MrsSiriusBlack1 Mon 18-Feb-19 20:54:21

Oh do fuck off adrian 🙄🙄🙄

PtahNeith Mon 18-Feb-19 20:54:54

And, quite honestly, if the biggest contribution you can list of his is loading the dishwasher that's appalling. Loading the dishwasher is akin to stacking the dirty plates up by the sink ready for somebody else to wash. It's nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It's not about you wanting "help"; all of these tasks are your shared responsibility and he is not pulling his weight. If he lived alone he'd have to work and still run his home, same as if you both worked. It's a load of rubbish to claim that because he works you should act as his domestic slave - everything it takes to run the home and keep you all safe and fed is just as much his job as yours.

He is not pulling his weight. "Helping you" has nothing to do with it - that would only be relevant if it actually was your sole responsibility. It is not. Helping out is what you do when you're being a kind volunteer and pitching in with something that has nothing to do with you and for which you have no responsibility otherwise - like going litter picking in your community or something....

MsJaneAusten Mon 18-Feb-19 20:55:07

Stop calling it “helping”. It’s his home and family too. It’s “parenting” or “living”.

PurpleDaisies Mon 18-Feb-19 20:57:10

You are a SHAM. That is your job.

No. Her “job” is to look after the children during the day. When he comes home, they are jointly responsible for the children and the household.

ashog Mon 18-Feb-19 20:57:10

The thing with him is he is lazy. He tells me not to do the ironing he will wear it creased. I'm not that sort of person to send him out in creased clothes. He tells me not to clean at night but he's not the one looking at it the next day he would happily sit and look at it (I was a cleaner so I understand some people can leave things I cant) and finally I have to tell him to stop watching his tv programmes as he puts them on when he sits down to when he goes bed so he will happy just sit with baby on lap and toddler running around. If I left for the weekend I would come back to a pig sty and he wouldn't see the problem. I threaten every week that I've had enough but I don't want to split the family. We have just moved and I couldn't afford the house without him (but know I can't stay with him just for the finances) and I think I know deep down I can't live like this as I'm running out of fuel. My main priority is my children and my son wouldn't understand as he doesn't even understand where is dad is in the day Never mind if we separated.

Jb291 Mon 18-Feb-19 20:58:25

Fuck off Adrian. Nobody wants to hear your patronising manspreading misogynist opinions.

adriano007 Mon 18-Feb-19 20:58:32

Exactly, we are not in the 50`s! Women fought hard for our equality - now being a mother is a job. He is helping. Maybe not enough, but it does not seem that your anger and frustration is working. Maybe you want to try a different approach.
My hubby was not perfect. But we are in it together and marriage is about mutual respect. Highlight on mutual

Muddysnowdrop Mon 18-Feb-19 20:59:07

Has he ever looked after the children alone as he might get a better idea about what your day is like? Are you getting all the support you can, I can’t imagine have 2 dc and not being able to leave the house, there must be some where supportive you could go for just a break from the house?

PurpleDaisies Mon 18-Feb-19 21:00:02

Being a father is a job too. You seem to expect her to be the sole parent 24 hours a day because he works outside the home.

Misogyny at its finest.

Muddysnowdrop Mon 18-Feb-19 21:01:08

I would not care if my builders clothes were creased - you could stop ironing for him tomorrow for a start, that’s the only “martyr” like thing in your posts.

PtahNeith Mon 18-Feb-19 21:05:39

It won't do your children any good to have a broken, exhausted, miserable mother.

Quartz2208 Mon 18-Feb-19 21:13:02

Adriano why are you highlighting mutual when although I agree with you it’s clear he doesn’t respect or understand what she does at all

The OP makes it clear she has no downtime at all

Purpleartichoke Mon 18-Feb-19 21:16:59

We had a very clingy baby. I barely got any housework or cooking done. DH came home from work and did it all.

Taking care of kids is hard work. Both parents need to cover 1/2 of the evening/weekend shifts.

adriano007 Mon 18-Feb-19 21:18:42

Absolutely, it does not seem that her DH does enough.
Maybe it is time to change the approach, that`s all I am saying. Bickering didn`t work. Try the opposite. Try to be nice to him. He is a man! Most men I met with did not have the same sensitivity as us! They are less familiar with subtle - one can be still firm and charming with them at the same time.

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