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Am I over reacting and how do I deal with this situation

(111 Posts)
Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 18:06:58

Okay here goes I'm 24 been with my 34 year old bf for almost a year but I feel the mother of his kids leans on him way too much for example she got a new house he spent almost every day helping her decorate get furniture etc this went on for almost four weeks then two days ago she phoned him saying she had an appointment he told her what bus to get but she wants a lift she put all her worried on him and it is seriously frying my head I have no kids I have took on their kids like my own but they see each other everyday his mum doesn't help as she asks him to take her here and there she's every where I just lost my job and I use work 8 hours every night so never noticed it as much help please

Vulpine Sat 16-Feb-19 18:08:53

Yes you are over reacting. He has other commitments. I'd move on. You are young.

Parthenope Sat 16-Feb-19 18:12:31

I'd move on, OP. You clearly aren't happy with the way your BF arranges his life and views his other, prior commitments. And to be honest, if you've only been with him a year, I'm surprised you've done much more than meet his children, far less had the opportunity to 'take them on as if they were your own', so it sounds like blurry boundaries all round.

MiniCooperLover Sat 16-Feb-19 18:12:30

She is the mother of his kids. She'll always be important in some way whether you like it or not. And the kids will always be more important than you. That's just how it is.

Tennesseewhiskey Sat 16-Feb-19 18:12:46

I assume he does these things because it make life easier for her and the kids.

If you can't handle it, you need to leave.

And please don't say you have taken the kids on like they are your own. They aren't your own. You have no concept of what that is. It great that you, presumably, do alot for them. But they aren't like your own if him helping decorate their home, is a problem.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Sat 16-Feb-19 18:21:44

I would walk away from this before it gets more messy. First of all, you may be a positive presence in their lives but you haven't took the kids on as if they're your own as they already have a mother.
I do agree that seeing your ex partner every day is probably too much and his next partner may feel the same way you do, but if the arrangement works for them then you're just going to have to deal with it. Not everyone is cut out for having relationships with someone with kids as it can be hard work.

FiveRedBricks Sat 16-Feb-19 18:23:59

Yabu. They are still parents together and will be together in that respect whenever they need to be. That can and could include helping the mother of his kids with her house. Because it's his kid's house too. Geddit?

StillCoughingandLaughing Sat 16-Feb-19 18:24:37

For the love of God, buy a bag of full stops.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 16-Feb-19 18:28:04

He’s very involved with his ex and if he’s comfortable with that then it’s not going to change.

A year in is a good time to take stock and if you’re not happy then it’s sensible to end things and walk away.

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Find someone who is fully available and wants what you want and can prioritise you and your relationship.

LazyLizzy Sat 16-Feb-19 18:29:40

Still gringrin

timeisnotaline Sat 16-Feb-19 18:34:32

still grin

MillieMoodle Sat 16-Feb-19 18:41:49

YABU - they're his kids, they'll always come first. She's their mother - if it's amicable, which it sounds like it is, they will always parent their children together. I'd move on if I were you, it will irritate you more if you have children with him.

@StillCoughingandLaughing gringrin

Intohellbutstayingstrong Sat 16-Feb-19 18:42:05

Wow OP you are getting some really arsey responses here. Not sure why some posters need to be so twatish given that you have posted a genuine request for advice.
You are clearly at very different points in your life with very different priorities and a significant age gap. It's great that you have been making an effort with his kids but this dynamic with his ex doesn't seem likely to change anytime soon. How old are the kids?
You can either speak to him and share your worries, accept things as they are or cut your losses and appreciate that the level of involvement he has with his family is not something you can accept as part of your r'ship.
By the sounds of it you have a lot of time on your hands and as you said this dynamic has probably become much more apparent to you.

Vulpine Sat 16-Feb-19 18:43:47

Maybe ask why he's no longer with the mother of his two young kids hmm

JasperKarat Sat 16-Feb-19 18:44:20

For the love of God, buy a bag of full stops.
😂

Intohellbutstayingstrong Sat 16-Feb-19 18:48:39

Maybe ask why he's no longer with the mother of his two young kids

FFS hmm

MrsTerryPratcett Sat 16-Feb-19 18:53:57

He spent weeks fixing up his children's other home, not his exes home.

He is older, at a different stage, with children.

I would fine someone you have more in common with.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 18:56:25

I have to say I think it’s great that he is still able to get along with his ex. The children will really benefit from this. Of course he wants to help out - he sounds like a good bloke.

I don’t want to seem patronising but like others have said, you seem to have overplayed your role in the children’s lives. You are not a third parent - you are their dad’s girlfriend.

I think you need someone without children. You are very young and you want to be the centre of someone’s world - and there is nothing wrong with that. You won’t get that from him, and you are in danger of becoming bitter and jealous.

kittybee Sat 16-Feb-19 19:24:01

Yes.

NoodleKT Sat 16-Feb-19 19:46:24

Not really sure why you all decided to comment on whether she's allowed to say she's taken the children on as her own. That's a perfectly fine thing to say, she didn't say she was replacing their mother ffs.
I have a blended family and read to my DH and we both think that your DP is doing way more than us normal for an ex (even with kids!)
OP, think you need to talk to your DP and if this is what their relationship will stay like then you either need to accept it or move on. Sorry thanks

NoodleKT Sat 16-Feb-19 19:46:56

Is*

ralphfromlordoftheflies Sat 16-Feb-19 19:53:27

Actually, I think that your DP sounds far too involved and intertwined with his ex. Giving her lifts here, there and everywhere crosses a boundary. He is still doing husband jobs. I would leave, and find someone who isn't so involved with their ex.

Tennesseewhiskey Sat 16-Feb-19 19:55:58

Not really sure why you all decided to comment on whether she's allowed to say she's taken the children on as her own. That's a perfectly fine thing to say, she didn't say she was replacing their mother ffs.

If it's not relevant shevwoildnt have put it in. No one has to explain to you why.

They aren't like her own. She has known them less than a year. It's bollocks saying that people use, means fuck all. Especially when both parents are in the picture andvthe op has known them a few months.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:04:39

Perhaps we have different definitions of taking on children like they are her own.

To me this is taking a parental role. Loving the child more than anything or anyone, taking an active role in every aspect of that child’s life, planning for and making sacrifices for the childs future and being an active (an equal) part of decisions taken.

I am very involved in my nephews life - I financially contribute to his schooling, I help him with his homework and he stays with me one or two night a week. But haven’t ‘taken him on like he is my own’. He has parents. I just love him.

Perhaps OP is this involved. But perhaps she just means she has grown to love the children.

Parthenope Sat 16-Feb-19 20:30:15

Perhaps OP is this involved. But perhaps she just means she has grown to love the children.

Frankly, if she's only been with their father for a year, she shouldn't be either -- it stores up heartache all round when the relationship ends, as sounds likely. And it probably should. The OP has more time on her hands and is seeing more of a situation that considerably pre-dates her, and which sounds unlikely to change significantly.

Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:41:18

Well for start you all know a paragraph from my like obviously I'm not going to post every single thing that has happened. I have not posted to judge I post on MUMSNET thinking some mum would be able to give me advice but tbh half of you acting like class room bullie at the end of the day when those kids are under my roof I feed them clean them change bath them get them up in the morning give the breakfast the youngest it's more me than my partner that get up in the night than him etc so you tell me that's not treating them like my own I am in no way or means trying to be there mum but these are things that a mother does is it not!?? My problem is his ex is a very needy person now I know her as me and her have met up several times to discuss the kids and what as to our threesome the kids are the most important thing and them knowing that we're a team together is the way we want it. I'm not just going to walk away as that's not what you do you work and fight for what you love. If you don't have any helpful advice kindly fuck off!!!!

SpanielEars070 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:44:29

In the nicest possible way, it's great for their kids that they are able to get on, and they can support each other to be great parents. There are clearly lots of times when you are going to be second best, and if you can't handle that, then you need to walk away for your own sanity. It's not wrong to say you need more than he can give you, you're just being true to yourself.

For what its worth, your BF sounds a really nice guy.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:52:45

Ok - you are angry with us and with your boyfriend.

You are also very young, and dare I say it a bit immature. Lots of people care for children, babysitters, parents, teachers etc etc. I think once you have your own children you will understand the difference.

You have asked us how to stop your boyfriend bing invloved in his exes life, you are also annoyed that he runs after his mum.

Again all u can say is this is who he is. Why fight for someone who will probably never focus on you they way you want him to? You can throw temper tantrums, sulk, make demands. But you will always look like the bad guy. It’s his mum and the mother of his children.

I wouldn’t be bothered by his mum, but the running after his ex would drive me batty. I wouldn’t stay and fight though. It’s really hard to change people - and it is rarely successful. I would decide if I can live with it, and if the answer is no I would walk.

ThreeAnkleBiters Sat 16-Feb-19 20:55:45

I think it's a good thing he helped decorating the house his kids will be living in. It's also a positive that he's on good terms with his ex in general. The last thing I would do would attempt to get in the way of their relationship. You've only been together a year. His commitment to his kids (and hence his involvement with his ex) is for a lifetime.

ReanimatedSGB Sat 16-Feb-19 20:57:58

I'd also advise moving on, because a bloke ten years older than you, still closely involved with the mother of his DC, sounds like a harem keeper type. If you stay with him, a few years down the line when you have a couple of kids, you'll be traded in for a younger model but he will still insist on 'helping' you and being over-invested in your life. You and your predecessor will probably be pals by then, or at least civil allies, and you'll try to warn the new GF, but she won't listen.
And this cycle will repeat until he's too old and incontinent to pull young women any more.

Tennesseewhiskey Sat 16-Feb-19 20:59:27

I have my nieces over once or twice a week and do everything you do with them. That's not taking them on as my own.

This is part of the issue. You are 24 and been dating someone less than a year. The reason it's not a good idea to be so involved, so quickly is that you have no idea how the relationship will go.

They aren't like your own. And if you are doing the bulk of the work, your Dp is dick and shouldn't be delegating more responsibility to you.

You have got in too deep, too quick. Of you don't like the set up, you need to leave.

Shinyletsbebadguys Sat 16-Feb-19 21:06:27

Firstly wind your neck back in and realise you are getting advice

Your post comes across as naive and immature, playing house with children is not treating them like your own and is not remotely comparable to being a mother and ultimately until you realise that you will keep keeping score

Being a real parent isn't about birth or in what way you've been in their life it's about truly understanding the concept that the children come above you ..always

So they move into a house , you make the house suitable for them

It is possible that your DP is too invested in his ex but unfortunately we can't see that because it's hidden by you bugging yourself up about playing house

To help further you need to give an idea of what he says when you ask him about it? Do you spend quality time together or does he sacrifice that to see his ex , if it is the latter then by all means you have an issue

But If you post on a mainly parenting board with the immaturity of throwing your toys out because you didn't hear what you wanted to you are going to get challenged which is a pity because you may well have an issue that people can help with but until you grow up a bit and calm down I suspect you won't hear any advice

MrsTerryPratcett Sat 16-Feb-19 21:06:54

I feed them clean them change bath them get them up in the morning give the breakfast the youngest it's more me than my partner that get up in the night than him etc so you tell me that's not treating them like my own

It's not. I know it's hard to hear but I work with young mums a lot and a lot of them go through what I went though when I had my DD. There comes a point, when they get hurt, or someone is unkind, or you're away from them and you feel something you never felt before. It's like physical pain. You realise you would do anything to stop them being hurt. You would kill or die. You can get rageful or panicky. It's horrible actually. I had a cancer scare and my first thought was, "oh God oh God oh God, DD is going to grow up without a mother." Not a single thought about myself. And I'm generally a selfish cow.

You are being a wonderful caregiver, that's true, but that's not the same as being a parent.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Sat 16-Feb-19 21:07:49

OP if you're happy for the three of you to be a team and walking away isn't an option for you then I don't understand the issue. Jusy carry on as you were.

Birdsgottafly Sat 16-Feb-19 21:09:13

Relationships shouldn't be a fight. You shouldn't be fighting for a time slot in your DP's schedule.

Are you feeling neglected etc, or is it just resentment. Because thays to different issues.

If you think your relationship is suffering because of him spreading himself so thin, then you'll have to have a calm discussion about it.

If it's just resentment, then it's his choice and you don't get a say, but you can question how this will go in the future.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:09:42

I will confess I am having difficulties with my exes new girlfriend overstepping so your post really annoyed me🤗.

What I was trying to say is looking after some one else’s child is nowhere near the same as being a parent. You think about them constantly, worry about and plan for their future, save for university fees, worry you are putting too much pressure on them to go the university, worry about how happy they are, research childhood illnesses and parenting techniques, wonder what your grandchildren will look like, hope you are young enough to enjoy them, but not so young that your children don’t have time to enjoy their lives, worry about youth culture, worry your son in law might Be a tit, worry your daughter will move to Australia, worry about cyber bullying, and on and on and on.

You have been in the picture for such a short time, and there is no guarantee that you are a permanent fixture in their lives. So it is irksome to hear you say they are like your own, and justify thid by listing caretaking tasks.

But I am projecting my shift on to you!

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 16-Feb-19 21:12:35

It’s not right you’re getting up with them more than their dad is. Why is he not doing the bulk of parenting his children when he has them?

By all means stay in the relationship if you want to. You won’t be able to change the dynamic with his ex so if you think the rest of it is worth it then all you can do is find a way to be at peace with it. He’s happy so there’s no reason for him to stop being available to her for everything she asks, unless you really kick off and he decides he’d rather piss her off than you. Assuming you’ve told him how you feel and he’s still doing it, you know he’d rather piss you off than her.

The closeness between them wouldn’t work for me, my husband isn’t like that with his ex/DC mum at all and I’d have walked many years ago if he had. But you are where you are and your only real option is to leave his relationship with her between them, you’ll drive yourself mad fighting it.

As a stepmum, my advice is to make sure that fond as you are of the DC, it’s important your bf does the majority of the parenting as the DC primary relationship is with their dad, especially when you’ve only been together a year, and that you keep your own life full so it doesn’t become entirely about him and his kids.

cuppycakey Sat 16-Feb-19 21:16:04

I would get rid and move on/start your own family.

cuppycakey Sat 16-Feb-19 21:17:53

you work and fight for what you love

No. Who on earth told you that shit? Cheryl Cole? grin

You are 24. It really should not be as hard as this. It should be fun. You are selling yourself really short.

Bluntness100 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:18:30

Wow, ok you've some growing up to do there.

Try to change your mind set to he is helping his kids not her. If you still can't get past your Jealousy and it's still all about her in your head, then you're going to have to put up and shut up if you don't want to leave and you don't want to damage the relationship so much he dumps you.

That's kinda where it's at.

TeachesOfPeaches Sat 16-Feb-19 21:22:36

It sounds like your relationship has moved very fast. My sister is 30 and getting divorced from a much older man she has wasted 10 years on with all his family drama when she should have been having fun. Don't waste your twenties playing mum to someone else's kids,

Bluntness100 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:22:55

I feed them clean them change bath them get them up in the morning give the breakfast the youngest it's more me than my partner that get up in the night than him etc so you tell me that's not treating them like my own

And I've no idea why you're doing all this for some blokes kids you've known less than a year. Are you living with him already? How long have you been living there and doing this? How often do the kids stay?

HeddaGarbled Sat 16-Feb-19 21:23:37

I think you are right to be concerned about this set up but I think you are deflecting the blame onto your boyfriend’s ex (which is really really common with women who don’t want to admit the truth about their partners). He gets his new much younger girlfriend to do all his parenting while he does manly things like decorating and driving for his ex wife.

I think he’s taking advantage of you. You’re 24 - don’t waste your youth doing all the hard graft of parenting for this man’s children while he plays the knight in shining armour.

Are you living together?

Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:28:42

Yes we are

AcrossthePond55 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:29:29

Ok, so here's the thing. It is not up to you to decide how much involvement your BF has with his exW or to try to make him change his level of involvement. That is for HIM to decide. What is for you to decide is whether or not his decision fits in with what you want in a relationship.

WorraLiberty Sat 16-Feb-19 21:30:22

I think he’s taking advantage of you. You’re 24 - don’t waste your youth doing all the hard graft of parenting for this man’s children while he plays the knight in shining armour.

This, 100% ^^

OP, he seems to be treating you like an unpaid Nanny.

Relax and let him parent his own children.

TheGreenerCleaner Sat 16-Feb-19 21:32:22

Wow a lot of negativity on this post! The poor lass has asked for help and advice not to be slaughtered off mothers claiming to be more mature.

First of all no Ccg1 your are not over reacting, yes a year might not be a long time but it has been long enough that both parents of these children are happy to have you on their lives and taking on a united role with their children which tells me your doing something right.

As a mother of a wonderful 12 year old I can say it is possible it all works out there just needs to be some balance.
I for one when I know my ex is with his new partner try not to bother him as much as that is their time of course if its something that can not wait then theres no problem . If they are still having so much contact after a year of you and your partner being together again I dont know how long they had separated before yous met but it does seem excessive . I as a mother like to do things for my daughter so having a new home putting my own stamp on that place would be my priority not to say I would ask or need ANY help but every day for 4 weeks sounds more like he has done everything . In my opinion they both have equal responsibilities to their children and she should be pulling her own way as well instead of relying completely on the ex whether he is their father or not.

I think I get the part about the mum encouraging it sounds like she is pushing them together and not respecting your place in the situation.

How often do yous have the kids over - if those children see you as another care giver and both parents are willing to share that with you and from what you wrote it seems they have then your doing everything right. I wouldnt worry about age or concern your self with the comments on here its hard to understand someones situation some of these negative comments may be from people who have been scorned by a younger new partner which is fair enough but that doesnt sound like your situation take them with a pinch of salt x

QueenieInFrance Sat 16-Feb-19 21:35:34

YANBU
It’s one thing to be there for your dcs and co-parent.

It’s another to see your ex everyday, for her to ring him for everything and anything, incl decorating her house etc...

And it’s another again to expect you to do more than he does for the dcs.

I would suggest he/they (??) haven’t moved in from their relationship.
I wouod cut my losses before getting even more hurt.

To some previous posters, how in earth is it somehow her fault if she has met her bf’s dcs?? How is it her responsibility if she is actually treating them and caring for them when they are there?
And how is refusing to see your boyfriend spending so much time with his EX doing things that have NOTHING to do with the dcs ok??

I’m baffled tbh.

Bloodyfucksake Sat 16-Feb-19 21:36:07

You're 24. You should be out drinking cocktails and eating all the carbs you will have to avoid when you're 40 and you've had 3 kids of your own.

After 1 year of dating he should not ask you to get up in the night to care for his children! You are not a babysitter or Au Pair! You are worth much more.

You also don't really know how insulting you have been when you say you took these children on as your own. You haven't. And why should you? You're 24!

It's Sat night. Go out.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea Sat 16-Feb-19 21:36:10

Ok OP, you need to take a HUGE step back here - your posts seem to reflect that you're angry at not being put first.

You won't be. Or rather, you shouldn't be. The children come first - and no, they are not, or will they ever be 'like your own'. They have a mother, and also a father who seems to be doing his best to support his children and maintain an amicable relationship with the mother of his children. That is the most important thing here.

If you feel taken for granted, then now is the time to rethink. I'd also add you are reasonably young. This doesn't have to be your life forever. Plus 'love his children as my own' after just one year is really insulting to those of us who have to adjust to our children having stepmothers within months of a break up. I'm their mother, and always will be. That gets forgotten very quickly when an ex moves on. Be grateful that your DP respects that his ex is their mother. It says a lot about him.

Patchworkpatty Sat 16-Feb-19 21:38:27

I do think you have had a hard time here. However your post has mixed up two distinct aspects of your bf relationship with his ex and children.

The part where he was decorating his children's home I wouldn't have any issue with and you have to just suck that up because it's for his dcs.
The part where his ex is constantly asking for lifts and seeing her everyday is definitely not the norm . He left (or she left) the marriage, he didn't leave the children. He needs to set some boundaries with her.
Does he have a set schedule with the children? Do they come to yours on a regular rota ? If so then that's what he should stick to at your home - where you can develop a family life of dad, kids and you. Not ex as well.

If he isn't prepared to do this then it's time to leave as it sounds like he still wants to be in the family unit with his ex and you will always be third fiddle .

Ignore all those who go on about 'like my own ' it's an expression that I understand given your circumstances and all that you do for them. You obviously aren't trying to replace mum .
In an ideal world you all get on, they PARENT together and you and he have a relationship together where you also help him parent when they are with you.

A year is plenty of time to be involved with the children ! Six months together is pretty standard for introducing, and if you are seeing them a lot , as your OP seems to say, then by a year you are a pretty regular fixture in their lives. So I do understand It will be hard to leave but unless he starts to separate from the physical space of his ex - you are in for a very difficult time which will become worse when you want your own children.

Who left who ?
Does ex want him back ?

Vulpine Sat 16-Feb-19 21:39:06

The mother of his kids is 'needy'! Out of interest has he told you why the relationship broke down.

QueenieInFrance Sat 16-Feb-19 21:39:59

It is not up to you to decide how much involvement your BF has with his exW or to try to make him change his level of involvement.

LOL seriously? You mean it’s ok for a man to spend everyday at his ex helping her and supporting her? It’s ok for them to more or less carry on behaving as if they were still together??
The OP has no right to decide how much involvement he has with HIS DCS. She very surely has a right to say how involved he is with HER.
She is his ex. Why would it want to spend everyday for 4 weeks at his ex rather than with the OP?

Bluntness100 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:42:18

After 1 year of dating he should not ask you to get up in the night to care for his children! You are not a babysitter or au pair

Yup, au pair is what I thought, I've a 21 year old daughter, I'd be very sad indeed if she moved in with a bloke she'd known less than a year and was doing rhe majority of thr child care when he slept through or got on about his business.

At 24 , fuck me, you should be having fun, I was, night clubs, cocktails, gigs, and too short skirts, not bloody up in the night for some guys kids you've know a few months, whilst he lets you.

TowelNumber42 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:43:08

I would not be happy at that level of contact if I were you.

I would be much much more annoyed at him leaving the parenting to me when his children stay over. He doesn't live with his children any more. They are young. He should be building bonds with them by doing everything when they are with him not palming them off on his latest girlfriend .

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:44:24

My exes new partner is actually older!

NO-one here can advise her on how to stop her boyfriend spending so much time with this ex wife. That is entirely his choice. Nor can anyone advise her how to stop him spending time with his mum.

She is determined to stay with him and do all the leg work when his young children stay.

So her only option is to ask him to reduce time with Ex wife and his mum. And stay and become increasingly annoyed if he doesn’t acquiesce.

THis seems to have bubbled up since OP lost her job (which has meant she is in the house at bedtime etc and is lumbered with nanny duty). Maybe a new job is the answer - a new life outside the home, a new career and a new focus.

TowelNumber42 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:45:55

I am guessing he left her for you. He has discovered that home life can be a drag with you too, even though you do all the childcare. She's open to taking him back, he's open to it too, hence all the time spent together. Maybe he's doing all the DIY to show that he's not a lazy arse any more (she doesn't see him failing to look after the children when they are at yours).

Singletomingle Sat 16-Feb-19 21:47:10

YANBU but he is in a no win situation. I'm sure he would happily move on but is terrified to say no in case she prevents access to his kids. I doubt he has any attachment to her but he will do anything to maintain contact with his children.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:54:36

I’m also not saying he is right to be at ex’s beck and call, I am saying it is very hard to change people.

He does this because he wants to.

The comments about his mum just sound immature - or maybe age appropriate for someone is their early twenties??

OP my twenties were a blast - loads of travel and booze and parties. It’s the time when you establish your career and make tremendous mistakes in your personal life!! My daughter is tiny, but I s hope when she is your age she is spending her Saturday nights dancing and drinking (not too much), not arguing with peopl on mumsnet over whether she should leave her much older boyfriend who leaves her to look after his kids while bphe droves his ex wife round!

Leave him and book a weekend in Amsterdam with your mates, or take a college course, or go backpacking, or move into a house share with a load of silly girls, or have a wild night out Life is so short for this shit.

In ten years time you can worry about bedtimes and teeth and packed lunches for your own kids,.

MyBaa Sat 16-Feb-19 21:54:37

you work and fight for what you love

If you're in a movie you do. If you're a normal person in a good relationship, you don't need to "work and fight". You just get on with it.

If my husband and I split up, I KNOW he would remain involved in the house and the children. I know that because he's a good person and that's how close we are....once you have children with a person, there's always something there. Connecting you. If the man leaves and is a good man, he would always help the Mother of his children out because it's for his children's benefit.

TheGreenerCleaner Sat 16-Feb-19 21:56:38

Ccg1 I think possibly if you havent already he may just need this brought to his attention that your not comfortable with the amount of time that is being put aside for the children's mother - yes they can be brilliant parents but with boundaries.

You clearly enjoy your role here just see what your other half says your not asking for the kids to be left out just the ex a little less its not much to ask for if he plans on having a future with you x

HeddaGarbled Sat 16-Feb-19 21:57:45

That’s a pity because it’s going to make it harder for you to step back from doing his childcare for him.

Please take this advice from an older and more experienced woman:

You are not his domestic servant. You must insist that he pulls his weight in the home right from the very beginning of the relationship, even while you are all loved up and wanting to make him happy, because if you don’t stand up for yourself now, in 10 years’ time, when you are sick to your back teeth of being treated like a drudge, it will be much much more difficult, if not impossible, to redress the balance.

JustHereForThePooStories Sat 16-Feb-19 22:09:55

From what you’ve posted, it’s very unlikely that your relationship with this man will be long-term so he’s right not to jeopardise his relationship with the mother of his children for you.

CJsGoldfish Sat 16-Feb-19 22:25:39

Don't be one of those stupid woman who think having a baby will reign him in and assert your place in the pecking order. You sound immature enough to consider going down that path. It never ends well.

Other than that, you really are too young to be worried about this shit. You should be having fun and this doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun to me

HappyHattie Sat 16-Feb-19 22:47:52

OP 🤔

MN is populated at least 75% by women just like your DP’s ex! So you are NOT going to get actual advice on your issue, you will however get plenty of abuse from women who are frankly very jealous of the fact that you’re 24 and have your whole life ahead of you, whilst they’re 2st over their ‘target weight’, have 3 children to a man who ignored their calls and rely on universal credits to be able to order a takeaway on a Friday night! 😒

Whilst yes there are a lot of genuinely ‘wronged’ women on here there are also ALOT of now Middle Aged women who hold any female in their 20’s personally responsible for their DH’s having walked out on them!

It’s NOT ok that your DP is that involved with his ex. Children of course - but ex no!
If she were calling him because DC needed to go to an apt, or she needed care for DC whilst she went to an apt - fair enough!

But he is not her husband anymore, his ONLY responsibility is to his children!

If you were in your thirties and had your own kids- you’d be revisiting much more support for being in this same situation!

tildaMa Sat 16-Feb-19 22:55:21

You come here whingeing your boyfriend helped decorate his children's home and call the mother of his children very needy? Seriously?

He's in a different place in life than you.
Grow up and find someone without kids.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 16-Feb-19 22:58:22

As a very happy step mum and second wife (he’s also my second husband shock) I’m not one of the posters you imagine are on here HappyHattie and my advice to OP was to make peace with the set up between her bf and his ex as it won’t change if he’s happy with it. It won’t. My husband isn’t close to his ex, they barely speak and only ever about the children, and I wouldn’t want to have 3 people in my relationship so I wouldn’t have lasted a year with the dynamic OP describes. What I’m happy with is my responsibility, as it is for all of us. If OP doesn’t like it then she can leave. She knows the deal, her bf’s loyalty seems clearly to be to his ex, we don’t know why, but she’s very unlikely to have any influence on it while everyone else is doing what they want and getting what they need - ex: dogsbody, bf: knight in shining armour complex.

You’re clearly spoiling for a fight and have said some pretty nasty things so I don’t know what your agenda is, but you’re not helping OP.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 23:01:38

Happyhattir. I hink a lot of the advice here has been good.

I do think the OP is too young to put up with this. She is unemployed and living with a man who doesn’t respect her.

I don’t resent her, I’m not jealous and I don’t blame her for the breakdown of my marriage - I blame my on crappy taste in men🤭

I do think she should be out enjoying herself and setting herself up with a career path which willl challenge and fulfill her. I have given room the advice I would gove my daughter in the position.

I think you have been too dismissive of people on her. Yes we got caught up in OP assertions about her parenting - but we have also advised her to embrace life and not be an unpaid nanny for a man who she can’t seem to communicate her basic needs to.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 23:04:13

Happthattie you have also ignored OPs complaint s about her boyfriend seeing his mum.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Sat 16-Feb-19 23:08:52

So according to your posts, he has no interest in parenting his own children and leaves that to you but wants to spend all his spare time with his ex doing family things (DIY) and helpful husband-like things (giving lifts).

Mmmhmmm Sat 16-Feb-19 23:09:38

It sounds like the ex wants your BF to do "husband work" except he's not her husband anymore. hmm

TruthHertz81 Sat 16-Feb-19 23:14:22

I'd be annoyed if my partner was driving their ex around like a chauffeur. This to me is a separate issue from being a good father. Decorating the house is very charitable of him already.

TruthHertz81 Sat 16-Feb-19 23:15:37

It sounds like the ex wants your BF to do "husband work" except he's not her husband anymore.

Exactly!

AyoadesChinDimple Sat 16-Feb-19 23:19:53

YANBU. She still sees them as married and he's doing nothing to challenge her view. I'd GTFO if I were you.

mkmo Sat 16-Feb-19 23:28:01

If you feel that the mother of his children is using him that can be very frustrating. If you make him aware of how will he react? Be prepared that he may not change. Can you live happily in this relationship knowing that's the case?

MrsTerryPratcett Sat 16-Feb-19 23:28:52

It sounds like the ex wants your BF to do "husband work" except he's not her husband anymore.

Unfortunately he's doing it so there we are.

OP I know you but 10-15 years down the road. She spent her late 20s and early 30s looking after her step children. She'd like kids of her own but he doesn't want any more. He's raised his children. She has to pretend it was her family, but I see how sad she is. Don't be her.

Sureyouwill Sat 16-Feb-19 23:35:48

You're far too young to be taking on a stepmum role. I can't see this ever changing. He seems very involved still with his ex and that would bother me too. I know you don't want to leave him but you have two choices. Like it or lump it.

Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 23:45:25

I have work since 14 years of age cared for my mother been to college got qualifications and probably have alot more life experience than you tbqh it isn't him who has issue communicating its me down to past issues we have a very loving relationship but I suffer anxiety so alot of things run through my head that's why I'm here ask for advice not for people to judge my relationship because that is not the issue my partner has already brought the issue up I am actually a mature person the thing with his mum isn't him running after his my it's his mum encouraging them to spend more time together alot of you are making me out to be this stupid wee girl who knows nothing ive been through and dealt with a hell of a lot my muturity is one of the thing that attracted my partner to me.

HeddaGarbled Sat 16-Feb-19 23:49:08

Plus the free childcare (with sex on the side).

YetAnotherSpartacus Sat 16-Feb-19 23:49:12

Wow OP you are getting some really arsey responses here. Not sure why some posters need to be so twatish given that you have posted a genuine request for advice

It's the stepmother thing again. Many posters, and certainly the first few, want to believe that it's right and natural for an ex to hang around and do husband work over and beyond and they love the idea that his ex has control over him and that the ex's new woman is getting screwed.

OP - seriously - you are getting screwed and it's not fair. You are living with your BF and doing his 'wife work', while he does 'husband work' for his ex. Personally, I'd run, because unless the Mother finds a new man to be at her beck and call then this pattern isn't going to change (and she might be needy enough for two, you never know). At the very least, make it clear that they are his kids and his responsibility. Nothing about penis ownership precludes a man from the daily chores associated with HIS children. Sleep in, look after yourself and see your friends. If he has to look after his own kids you might find that the dynamic between him and his ex changes because suddenly he won't have time to do her bidding. As it is, you are enabling this by giving him time.

TruthHertz81 Sun 17-Feb-19 00:12:16

Does his ex reciprocate by giving him lifts, helping him around the house....y'know, for the benefit of the kids, like?

littlemissquiet Sun 17-Feb-19 00:18:42

I actually feel for you, I have a couple of friends that are or have been in the same position. Some of these mums (not all) are quite vindictive and know that their ex is scared to upset them or say no in fear of not seeing their children, one even dictates what he has to do with them while they stay at my friends house even if they've made their own plans, and it's activities she wouldn't bother doing herself! It does put a huge strain on your relationship and it's up to you whether or not he's worth sticking around for, most of these men are genuinely good guys so that's a good thing and the children will eventually grow older and things won't be so intense.

PrismGuile Sun 17-Feb-19 00:23:35

you’re 24 and have your whole life ahead of you, whilst they’re 2st over their ‘target weight’, have 3 children to a man who ignored their calls and rely on universal credits to be able to order a takeaway on a Friday night! 😒

That's a bit much, don't you think? Women on here are from many different backgrounds and this level of name calling is childish.

OP you need to raise it with your bf and tell him it's an issue and have an open and honest conversation so you can figure out a compromise and he can explain himself. If you can't do that then your relationship needs work before you continue to slave for his children.

Good luck

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 00:31:39

Op your update about caring for your mum and experiencing a lot does not surprise me. Those posting about how you should be out partying are way off the mark. I suspect after your experiences what you want is security, stability and love. You have met a man who you love and think this is the "one".
But you are angry that he spends every day with his ex and that his mother seems to be pushing him and his ex together. And you are doing the majority of the childcare when the kids are with you. But you want advice about how to resolve these issues, because you want to fight for your relationship.

You sound like me at your age. But I have learned that if there are big issues in a relationship after only a year, things are not going to get better. After a year you should still be in the honeymoon phase where everything looks wonderful. You clearly are not.
No he should not be spending every day with your ex. But he is choosing to do that. He is also choosing to leave the majority of childcare to you.
I know this is harsh to hear, but the truth is he is not focused on you. It sounds like his ex comes first. Before you, and before his children. And I don't think sadly you can do anything to change this.

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 00:35:49

Also OP listen to your anger. That tells you clearly what you are unhappy about. And to answer your question, no you are not over reacting.

Coyoacan Sun 17-Feb-19 01:12:04

Have you talked to him about all this, OP? Surely that should be the starting point.

If you talk to him and his sees your point of view or convinces you of his point of view, all well and good, but otherwise remember that you cannot change other people, only yourself.

SD1978 Sun 17-Feb-19 01:47:56

That's more involvement than I'd be happy with, so wouldn't choose to continue the relationship. There is no reason for him to spend a month organising her house for her. A lift to an appointment, that one wouldnt bother me. It doesn't matter whether other people think what's reasonable- although I have no idea how it's reasonable to spend a month sorting out an ex's house, but it seems on MN that it's normal to still be over involved when a relationship ends and anything less is seen as weird........

Tennesseewhiskey Sun 17-Feb-19 06:26:51

Ok I was a younger carer for my mother. You do have experiences that others won't.

But I am 11 years in front of you. While you have experienced things that others haven't, that doesn't make you more mature. More cynical and a bit closed off and left with a certain view that you need to keep everything in and rely on yourself, yes. You still don't have the life experience of someone 10 years older who has 3 kids.

You shouldn't be doing the majority of anything. He is the parent. You have been with him a very short time. He is using the fact that you are naturally in a carers role and taking advantage.

If you arent ready to the things that are wrong, you arent ready.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 08:42:05

Ok I’m out then. You seem very angry and aren’t listening to most of the advice here.

Sorry you find yourself I need this situation and I hope you can resolve it.

JacquesHammer Sun 17-Feb-19 08:50:02

I am still good friend with my ex. He does me favours, I do him (and his wife - both separately and together!) favours.

It isn’t about wanting to have someone to do “husband work”. It’s about friends helping each other out.

You need to speak to your partner about the situation.

I don’t think either of you are necessarily in the wrong over this issue, but you might not be compatible over it.

TheGreenerCleaner Sun 17-Feb-19 12:57:39

You horrible patronising bunch of woman
What ever happened to being United and supportive - most of the responses here have been a disgrace
How can you all be so judgemental when the poor lass has only responded 3 times I wonder why it's not been flowing conversation when she's been hit with 4 pages of mostly negative replies.

People saying it's not a movie should be effortless are you single from lack of effort in your partnership??
All this your 24 should be out there getting plastered and doing silly young girl stuff no you do not know what's happened in this lass life to take her to where she's at in life ! It's hard to behave immature when your a 24 year old adult who does have responsibilities!
And to be fair if my 24 year old daughter isn't on the ball by that age and still out drinking cocktails and in party mode I'll be very disappointed!
I don't know how old half of you are but it's not the same from you being young !
My mother is 45 and was always taught to be responsible
There has been some decent mother's here giving some sound advice instead of the trash the rest of you spoke !
To make assumptions their relationship started through her being the one to break them up or to state she wants to have children to tie him down is beyond ridiculous!
She asked for advice and has probably left feeling more paranoid and on edge than she did before with all the he's going to leave he's using you nonsense maybe the man doesn't know how to behave in the situation and just needs to be a bit more eyes open to ccg1s needs

Parthenope Sun 17-Feb-19 13:05:06

Your update makes sense to me, OP. You’re used to being the helper/carer from a young age from your experience with your mother, and you’ve fallen into something of the same role in this relationship, doing far too much of the childcare and grunt work, and, significantly, getting angry when it’s become obvious your partner also falls into the carer role with his ex-wife and mother.

Listen to your anger. I don’t think this is a good situation for you, and the chances of significantly altering a dynamic that is very established are slim.

Ghanagirl Sun 17-Feb-19 13:09:52

@Ccg1
He’s treating you like a nanny that he’s having an affair with your 24 and unpaid help.
Find a new job and a new boyfriend

McNeat Sun 17-Feb-19 13:09:52

From what you've described in your OP I'd be amazingly proud of my partner if I was you.

Parenting as a couple is fucking hard let alone as a couple who've split.

He sounds pretty epic that he understands it may be his Ex's house; but it's his kids home. That her anxieties are not his issue; but the impact that may have on their children are.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 14:59:38

greener cleaner. OP asked for advice and for other people’s perspectives.

She is 24, unhappy in her relationship and unemployed. She isn’t doing the lions share of childcare for a man who she feels is spending too much time with his ex wife and mother. She doesn’t seem to have talked to her boyfriend about her concerns or needs.

I think a lot of people would suggest the relationship isn’t working and she should speak to him to see if this will change. If it won’t she should consider whether she wants to stay. No relationship is perfect, but if it is this hard this early on then maybe it isn’t right.

And yes I would advise my daughter to enjoy her twenties, and to be happy, OP clearly isn’t happy. It would break my heart if my daughter felt this way at any age. She clearly has had a tough life - she deserves to be happy.

I advised lots of things she could be doing, travelling, more education, finding a challenging new career. I don’t think this is patronising. But in any case it’s just advice - she won’t take it and it’s not what she wants to hear. That’s ok.

I hope my daughter drinks cocktails all though her life, I hope she sings and dances and is the CEO of a global corporation. I hope she is healthy and happy and is adored by her partner and is he centre of his (or her) world. I hope she fills her life with experiences, and travels the world. I hope she doesn’t silly girl stuff until she is ninety!!! My own mother recently spent an afternoon trampolining followed by a couple of Proseccos. She laughed all afternoon!!

You’re daughter can be on the ball and still enjoy spending tim with her friends. I managed a large team in my twenties and still had great nights out with my old friends - and shockingly we occassionally had a cocktail!!!!!!

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 15:03:57

Should be I hope she does silly girl stuff until she is ninety!

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 17:36:56

Happiness matters OP. And no a relationship at any age should not be this hard, and especially not this hard when you have only been together a year. Don't believe anyone who tells you you have to work at it. That is rubbish unless you are the kind of person to walk out when you have your first disagreement, and that is clearly not you.
In any relationship don't think about whether you love the person, but about whether they make your life happier and better. If they make you happier, then it is a good relationship. This relationship is not making you happier.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Sun 17-Feb-19 17:43:41

Something tells me GreenerCleaner is the OP...

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Sun 17-Feb-19 17:45:38

And is either a 16 year old girl or an idiot.

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 17:49:44

I have been married for 27 years OP, and no I don't think you need to work on relationships. I used to, and this belief kept me in a crap relationship longer than I should have been.

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