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AIBU to feel left out by DP friends?

(76 Posts)
Melandre Wed 09-Jan-19 09:54:28

First post here from a longtime lurker, and sorry it’s another wedding one!!
To try and summarise: DP is from another country. He’s lived in the uk for about 4 years but aside from work colleagues who he doesn’t see outside work, he hasn’t really made any friends here and would still consider his friends the people from his home country he went to uni/school with. I’ve met probably a third of them because most still live in the home country and we only go there once a year or so.
DP and I are engaged. It was very important to him to invite lots of his home friends to the wedding, which at c100/head isn’t cheap (his argument is that in his culture weddings are much larger.) I originally wanted a small, more low key wedding but compromised at 100 guests which is obviously costing a fair bit. We are both saving very hard for it alongside house savings, and my parents have given us about a quarter of the money.

My AIBU is though related to the fact that for the last 2 years as DP’s home friends have been getting married/engaged, I am consistently never invited to the weddings (which invariably take place abroad, as do the stag do’s he goes to, so it ends up costing a lot of money and annual leave. Example: Last summer he had 2 stag dos and 2 weddings abroad in 8 weeks, and we didn’t have any annual leave or cash left for a holiday together until the beginning of this heat. Yesterday it transpired that he’s got another wedding and stag abroad in May/June (around my birthday also!), and I’m not invited to the wedding again! The invites are always addressed just to DP despite the friends being aware that we are a long term couple who live together and are engaged (the couple who have only invited DP this time, are also both invited to our wedding this summer.)

AIBU to feel frustrated and left out? It’s like his home friends still see him as their single mate, and I just don’t get the opportunities to meet them that would presumably make them want to include me... our wedding is costing a lot and it annoys me that we are paying for these friends who have never included me in their invites to DP. He accused me of being petty and ridiculous and said I shouldn’t see it that way. He’s probably right.... I just don’t know. I just feel really irritated at the constant snubs and the fact that I’d never dream of not inviting a long term/fiancé/married plus one with our friends to our wedding, it seems rude. I also really don’t want another year or even more of not being invited while DP uses up his holiday budget and annual leave on weddings without me, and we yet again don’t get a proper holiday together.

AIBU to feel this way?!?

Returnofthesmileybar Wed 09-Jan-19 09:59:41

Yanbu! No way! I would be inviting whichever one of the couple was the friend back to be honest, follow their lead, they are inviting friends not couples so you do the same.

And there is no way I would be compromising a holiday so my oh could get two holidays abroad for weddings I wasn't invited to. That's not to say he can't go to any but to expect you to miss out on a holiday so he can go to them all is very unfair

Thesnobbymiddleclassone Wed 09-Jan-19 10:03:20

That's frankly quite rude of his friends. I'd either return the favour and not invite their long term partners/wives or not invite them at all seeing as they clearly have no time or respect for your relationship.

Melandre Wed 09-Jan-19 10:20:09

We have already sent out save the dates and the venue size won’t make much sense now without the approx guest number as we ended up picking a big venue as this was important to dp. Although it did stick in my throat a bit as I had been left out of a few weddings by then, I agreed to inviting couples not just friends fonthe wedding. Which is why another snub is so annoying considering this couple will be at my wedding next summer.
I feel petty just saying this but also feel like dp refuses to acknowledge that it’s hurtful to me - I guess because there’s not really a downside to him, he gets to go off and enjoy the holidays and parties! The reverse has never happened to us so he’s never had to feel left out.

Chamomileteaplease Wed 09-Jan-19 10:24:24

It seems worrying that he can't see how this would upset you! The first three strangers on here can understand that!

Why hasn't your dp asked his friends to invite you? If he is making the effort to go, and they are such good friends, I don't think this is a rude request.

Angrybird345 Wed 09-Jan-19 10:43:30

Why on earth wouldn't you be invited? Does he not want you to go? Would he see you as an embarrassment? No way would I enable this.

Melandre Wed 09-Jan-19 10:50:05

He says he does see why I’m upset but that he can’t do anything about it, that I shouldn’t connect it to our wedding as we have chosen to invite couples and it’s every couples choice (true granted but i feel like I’m paying for a bigger wedding than I wanted)... and he ends up getting cross because he says this is a petty concern and I need to drop it. I just feel like it’s potentially a repeat of last year and irritated that none of his “friends” acknowledge DPs current life.

Puggles123 Wed 09-Jan-19 10:54:30

He sounds selfish, and like he is taking advantage of the fact that your parents are paying for a quarter of the wedding.

Expatworkingmum Wed 09-Jan-19 10:59:02

Is it a cultural thing not to invite partners?

Evilspiritgin Wed 09-Jan-19 11:24:35

Or is it culturally inappropriate to invite unmarried couples

Beebee8 Wed 09-Jan-19 11:25:34

So the argument for your wedding size to be increased was that weddings are done on a bigger scale where he's from.. but they're not quite big enough to stretch to you being invited? Yanbu at all this would upset me too!

Melandre Wed 09-Jan-19 11:31:17

Beebee I know! The irony is not lost on me.. tbh regretting agreeing to the bigger wedding but we have already paid about half so feels like we can’t change it without a lot of waste.

No, definitely not a cultural or religious thing. It seems to go along the lines of “havent met the person so don’t invite them” although I will have not met about a quarter of my own wedding guests!

Beebee8 Wed 09-Jan-19 11:45:50

Has your fiance met all the people that are invited on his side (ie partners of his friends)?

Melandre Wed 09-Jan-19 12:00:20

Not sure, Beebee. I don’t think he knows the girl getting married this spring whose wedding he was invited to, but her DH-to-be is a reasonably good friend from uni.

FayFortune Wed 09-Jan-19 12:10:05

I'd be irritated at that scenario too. So no in my opinion you are not being unreasonable.

FayFortune Wed 09-Jan-19 12:10:56

You are not being "petty" either.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 09-Jan-19 12:14:50

It's pretty tacky not to invite partners and you aren't petty to be bothered by it

FlagFish Wed 09-Jan-19 12:15:47

YANBU to feel hurt and cross, I would too. But the problem is that it's not DP doing anything wrong as such - I can see he would feel very awkward phoning up and asking for you to be invited. And you don't want to change your own wedding plans. So it's hard to see a solution. Can you think of one? Is it just for DP to acknowledge that this is hard for you? Or would you like him to decline some of the invites?

FayFortune Wed 09-Jan-19 12:18:23

I'd like to know why he feels he has to invite partners as it doesn't seem the culture where he is from! It's just looks so selfish from the outside at least.

Melandre Wed 09-Jan-19 12:21:20

Flagfish I guess that’s the thing, he probably feels bad that he can’t do a lot about it. I guess I do want him to acknowledge that it feels bad for me but by the same token, to give me some reassurance that he won’t let the same thing happen this year in terms of the prime holiday time being taken up by weddings solo. It makes me feel like not a priority. To be honest maybe there is some underlying resentment here from me as well that he insisted on the big wedding and it’s meant saving really hard, delaying buying a house and stuff, and it feels like he wanted that just for show to his friends who have these big weddings abroad. Annoyingly he’s now said that he wishes in retrospect we were having a smaller wedding after all!

Melandre Wed 09-Jan-19 12:23:10

Fayfortune- yes, but it was the blind mindset of having a big wedding, and he is from quite a small country where a LOT of people know each other from school/uni/mutual friends so he just went ahead with inviting people’s partners by default. Which to me seemed like the right thing to do as otherwise it seems rude, but the favour has never been extended to me by his friends

FayFortune Wed 09-Jan-19 12:24:18

Will you be invited once you are married?

I'd be asking more questions!

brassbrass Wed 09-Jan-19 12:28:19

Yes his friends are rude and disrespecting your relationship but what he is doing is even worse. He is colluding in their snubbing of you.

Think about it and have a long hard think about whether any of this is going to improve after you are married. He should be prioritising you and your feelings.

Why are there so many doormat threads on MN today?!

CantWaitToRetire Wed 09-Jan-19 12:35:18

As it's the beginning of the year you should sit down now and discuss your budget for holidays, and how much you're going to spend on a family holiday. Then agree he can only accept further invites if they fit within the budget and don't take away funds from the family holiday.

FayFortune Wed 09-Jan-19 12:38:48

Do you have friends irl who know about this? Probably parents wouldn't want to say anything for fear of being seen as interfering but a frank speaking friend might be what you need.

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