Tattoos - who is right?

[thetis]

Last night my nearly-20 year old daughter was lying on the sofa in her pjs and didn't realise the top had ridden up, exposing a medium sized tattoo (a quote from a song) under her bust. My husband saw it and stormed out. I went upstairs and told him that I found out last year, but didn't tell him because he hates tattoos and I think it's her body and not our business. This morning he is still really angry, both with her and with me for not telling him. But this is why I didn't tell him!

[Aquamarine1029]

Her tattoo is none of his business. He's acting like a 3 year old having a tantrum.

[onalongsabbatical]

None of his business, obviously. She's an adult!

[onalongsabbatical]

Hang on though - you didn't tell him because you knew he'd be angry? Does that mean you're scared of him? Or is it just that he's a pain when he's flouncing about like a toddler?

[JacquesHammer]

Absolutely none of his business. She’s an adult.

He’s behaving like a child.

[Purpleartichoke]

Does she still live with you? If yes, then you had an obligation to tell him once you knew. He is supporting her financially and she is making expensive choices he doesn’t agree with. He has been offering financial subsidy for a year without having all the relevant information.

[onalongsabbatical]

Purpleartichoke so money = the right to power and control? Yes, great policy. And even if she's living with them doesn't mean you can assume she's not paying her way. For all you know she's subsidising him!

[strawberrypenguin]

She's an adult and it's her body. She's had it done in a sensible place as well. Your husband has no control over what she does with her body and it sounds like she was responsible in her choice.

[Haworthia]

Her body, her choice. Shes an adult.

She’s been sensible enough to choose an area of her body that isn’t really seen, so it’s an absolute non-issue as far as I’m concerned.

[Rezie]

Her tattoos are none of your or his business. But i can understand him.being upset for you not telling him. I'm not saying that he has a right to be upset Since it's none of his business but I can see being upset about it.

[goldengummybear]

Yabu to keep it a secret but hibu to be angry about her choice.

[SD1978]

Whilst it's 100% her body and her choice- is she partially/completely funded by you and your husband? If that was the case, I'd find the timing showed a lack of respect- would have been better done living independently of you both, as if you support her financially he has in effect paid for the tattoo at least partially.

[bellinisurge]

She's 20. End of.
Friend of mine had something big put on her midriff. Great when she is a toned 20 year old. Looks shit now she's had a baby.

[Cautionsharpblade]

I’d liken it to him being upset if he found out she smoked. The skin is our largest organ and it needs looking after. What if it masks a melonoma that she then fails to spot? Does she know the ink shows in lymph node biopsies? Perhaps he’s concerned for her health

[Gooseygoosey12345]

Her body her choice. She's 20!! Perfectly legal to get a tattoo. Why does DH think he has control or some influence over what she does with her own body at this age?

[Confusedbeetle]

He is not unreasonable to be disappointed and sad, but not angry. You should not have kept the secret because he is your life partner. You should have told him in a way that would help him accept her choice, and also made it clear it was inappropriate to kick off. By being secretive, it has made it worse. Of course, it is her choice but we can be sad when our children make a choice we would rather they didn't

[MardyArabella]

It really isn’t comparable to smoking and either way flouncing over a 19 year old exercising bodily autonomy is not ok. She isn’t his property.

[Butchyrestingface]

What a big baby you're married to. Lets hope he finds his rattle again in time for Christmas.

What's your daughter saying?

[Butchyrestingface]

You should have told him in a way that would help him accept her choice

It's not OP's responsibility to "help" him "accept her choice". It's his responsibility not to behave like an overgrown toddler.

[ElainaElephant]

WTF?

Do people actually think that parents should have any control over how their adult children spend their own money just because they live under the same roof and they aren't paying full market rent?

Crazy.

Your husband is being unreasonable. Your daughter can choose to have a tattoo if she wants, and it is also totally reasonable that she keeps it a secret from her Dad if she wants.

[DandelionsAreNotLions]

I found out last year, but didn't tell him

This is a problem .

[TinkerSpy]

Totally agree she's an adult and can do what she wants, but why didn't you discuss it with him when you found out?

[wheneverythinggoestitsup]

Wow some of these responses really shock me!
Why on earth would her father have any right to know ? Or any right to have an opinion? And the 'he's financially supporting her' crap! Jeez!! Does this money = control have specific boundaries or is it just anything he doesn't agree with??

She's 20, its her body she can do what she wants.
Also - I have told my Mum things over the years that I explicitly did not want my father to know, and because I know I can trust her to understand that as my mother!!

You should not have kept the secret because he is your life partner WTH!! It's not her secret for a start.

[erykahb]

I disagree with most PP
Not your place to discuss it with him
Not your body
Not his body

It's your adult daughters body
If she didn't want her dad knowing then that's her prerogative. She isn't a little girl!

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

She is 20 years old. Her money is hers ti spend as she wishes as long as it's legal. You cant give money with conditions as such. You can say I won't charge you rent if you help around the house ect but you cannot say spend your personal money only on things parents approve of.

[Pachyderm1]

He has been offering financial subsidy for a year without having all the relevant information.

If his financial support is dependent on her fulfilling his wishes about her body then it’s creepy and inapppriate and unfair.

OP, he’s being a dick about it. Call him out - ask why he feels he’s entitled to have his views prioritised in his daughter’s decisions about her body?