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AIBU?

Step-son moved in

55 replies

Shimna · 13/12/2018 14:00

Hi, my 21 yr old step-son has moved in with us (I bought the house before I met his father). He has a new gf who stays over 5/6 nights a week. Neither have jobs and just sit around my house all day using electricity/gas at an alarming rate. I have just told him he needs to ask prior permission if he wants guests and even then no more than a couple of times a week. I have also asked him to contribute a little towards the bills. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

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Confusedbeetle · 13/12/2018 14:02

Nightmare. He should not have his girlfriend there so often. Of course he should contribute. His father should be the one to deal with this, not you

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RB68 · 13/12/2018 14:03

Not at all - if you are bearing full cost of the housing and own the house (ie not married to partner)

Otherwise should be having a discussion with the Father about what to charge him.

I had a friend who had this issue and she ended up selling the house moving out and splitting up with the Father who thought Son should have it al and she should suck it up

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Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 14:04

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Your stepson and your husband are taking the piss. Why did you allow him to move in in the first place and why doesn't he have a job?

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Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 13/12/2018 14:05

No you're not.

At 21 he is more than capable of contributing. Firstly, he needs to be out there finding work but until then, he can contribute in other ways (some cleaning, helping maintain the house, fetch food shopping with you).

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Bananalanacake · 13/12/2018 14:10

Why can't he work. Is he signed off sick or at college. Isn't he embarrassed about not paying his way.

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GhostSauce · 13/12/2018 14:13

Why isn't he working?

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Thehop · 13/12/2018 14:13

Not at all, they’re taking the piss.

What does his dad say?

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Bananalanacake · 13/12/2018 14:26

Why isn't the girlfriend working. I wouldn't tolerate 2 lazy shits in my house and I'd tell them to fuck off. It's your house not your dp. Or is he actively looking for work and you're being kind.

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Shimna · 13/12/2018 14:28

Thank you all for your advice. You've made me feel like I'm not going crazy! I've raised this repeatedly with his father who says that I'm "stressing him out" and I should just "chill". He said he would raise it with his son but he works really late so they're rarely in the same room together and it was just taking too long so I had to raise it myself. His son was only meant to be living with us as a 'stop gap' while he looked for his own place, but, without a job, I don't see this happening. I'm being made to feel like I'm really neurotic but I just feel like I'm being taken the piss out of a bit.

OP posts:

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Jinglealltheway2018 · 13/12/2018 14:33

I couldn’t cope if it was children having their dp round that much I would feel like my home was being invaded. Definitely have a chat and limit the amount she visits.

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Sexnotgender · 13/12/2018 14:35

YANBU and your husband needs to stop being an arse.

SS needs to contribute and I wouldn’t be taking no for an answer.

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Bananalanacake · 13/12/2018 14:40

You haven't answered. Is he actually looking for work or doing jack shit. Put the paper's job section in front of him.

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caringcarer · 13/12/2018 14:41

I would get your dp to take a day off from work and drag him into town to sign up for employment agency. Tell dps his gf is only welcome twice a week and you expect him to contribute by doing household chores if he has no money for keep. You can't let this go on I would say you have a week to get a job and start contributing. At this time of the year agencies are crying out for workers.

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NorthEndGal · 13/12/2018 14:43

Time for a full family meeting
This is your house, you set the rules

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Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 14:43

Are you and your partner married?

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PollyFlinderz · 13/12/2018 14:44

OP, does your partner pay his own way?

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bellabasset · 13/12/2018 14:45

What's also unclear is if you are a long married couple, not been married long or are simply living together. It depends also whether your dh moved into your house which you own or whether you share costs of mortgage and household exps.

If he is out all day and you are at home then I can understand that it doesn't affect him as much. But I wouldn't be happy having a couple of unemployed youngsters living with me. What happens if a baby comes along?

YANBU but I fully sympathise that it can't be easy to tell them to find somewhere else.

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ChristmasRaven · 13/12/2018 14:49

This situation feels very similar to the step dad who posted a few days ago! So I'll say the same thing here as I did there! It is not your job to "parent" your step son. If his father won't step up and do something about the situation then you have to really question the relationship. I think absolutely put a stop to the GF staying there and then talk to your partner. It is his job to lay ground rules, tell the son to find work if need be, etc. Him saying "chill" isn't good enough! As I said in the reverse situation. It's up to your partner how he parents but you have a choice on whether to live with it or not.

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Underworld345 · 13/12/2018 14:50

Not fair on you at all. Were you asked if step son could move in or were did you just have to accept it? If your partner doesn’t speak to him, tell him that he should start paying more to cover his own sons expenses. Why should you pay out.

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CoolForKatz · 13/12/2018 14:56

It's not a stop gap. If he's unemployed he'll be with you long term, even if he gets a job. Is he looking, or dossing all day? I'm not surprised you're fucked off, yanbu.

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CoolForKatz · 13/12/2018 14:57

I see its your house, tell him to leave.

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Notnowok · 13/12/2018 15:00

Unless your partner is covering costs kick them out and him.
My son did have a girlfriend who over stayed at times but at least that was only evenings. I said 2 nights is enough. If they want to be together every night they had to get their own place.
Either your dp acts now to cover costs and kicks the girl out or they all go. Don't let people use you.

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ifonly4 · 13/12/2018 15:00

If he's not working, is he getting any benefits? If so, a lot of this will be for his housing costs, food, heating, so that should be paid into the household account. If he hasn't got any money coming in, then he needs to get a job (assuming he can work) - I'm sure some places still need xmas temp - and in the meantime he can help with washing, ironing, housework, shopping and when his girlfriend stays she can take her turn at cooking and washing up.

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Petalflowers · 13/12/2018 15:02

I think it’s fair enough allopowing him to have a month (or whatever period) free rent and board, to allow him to look for a job etc. However, after the set period, then he should start comtributing, financially as well as helping out with chores. Eg emptying bins etc.

Is he entitled to job seekers allowance, housing benefit etc? If so, can he contribute from that.

The only thing I will say is that if he starts contributing, then you can’t really dictate often he has people around, although if she is visiting a lot, (ie. virtually living at yours) then you could ask for increase money to cover food etc.

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HugoBearsMummy · 13/12/2018 15:02

YANBU. You don't have to allow the GF to stay AT ALL let alone 5/6 times a week. I'd be fuming! If your OH won't broach the subject with the son then take matters in to your own hands and give him a deadline whereby he has to have secured a job, even if it's P/T, just SOMETHING that earns money. He should be out every day handing out his CV, registering with agencies etc etc, he's not bothering because he's not being pushed to do so. I dropped out of college at 16 and only had 5 GCSE's to my name, I was working 2 hours a night cleaning at that point. But I applied for EVERYTHING and handed my CV in to everywhere I could think of. I managed to get a retail job 20 hours a week, they upped my hours to 40 hours per week plus alternate Saturday/Sundays in a different store... few years later I applied for multiple 'office' jobs and managed to secure a permanent full time position. Have only had 2 other jobs since then & have been in current employment 7 years. Really grates on me people dossing around claiming there are 'no jobs'. If I got made redundant tomorrow I'd scrub toilets again if I had to!