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Husband acting like a dick during petty argument - AIBU

(58 Posts)
feesh Thu 08-Nov-18 07:10:36

Had a really petty argument this morning and I’m feeling really fed up. AIBU?

The background is, my newish car is over due for a service. The car notifies you on the dashboard when the next service is due. If you exceed it by 1000 km it invalidates the warranty. I do approx 200 km a week.

DH noticed it when he drove it and there was about 500-700km to go (I had noticed it before and forgot to mention it).

He said he’d book it in. He tends to book it in himself - not me - because cars are his thing and he knows what service is needed and also we live in the Middle East where life is just easier if the man does these things (I know, I know!). I’m a SAHM. I was very capable of doing all this stuff when we lived in England, but here our roles have changed in part down to the culture. So yes, in theory I could have booked it in myself, but he usually does it and all it takes is a phone call and so I left him to do it.

Anyway it got down to about 9km to go, so I checked with him if he’d booked it in and he said no, can you send me the current mileage please? Which I did, a couple of hours later.

Anyway a week went by before he got around to booking it in and they can’t do it until this coming Saturday. I’ve only got a few miles left until we invalidate the warranty and I’ve got to do an unexpected school run this afternoon.

I called him this morning to say I was worried we were going to invalidate the warranty and wondered if we could do anything such as him leave early to do it himself or come home at lunchtime and swap cars with me. The phone call ended with him saying “You need to give me more notice of these things”, to which I replied “Excuse me, you have know about this for over a month and you only booked it in last week”. He said “OK bye” and put the phone down on me.

I called him back because I wasn’t happy about him putting the phone down on me, and he put on this fucking annoying patronising office voice saying “Is there anything I can specifically help you with? If not I’m going to end this call now” and put the phone down on me again.

Then we had a petty text argument after he went through his old messages and found that I “only” sent him the car mileage two weeks ago. I pointed out that he’d know for at least 2-3 weeks before that that the service was due and that he’d sat on his hands for a week after I’d sent him the mileage, before picking up the phone to book it in.

I know this is a very pathetic argument to be having, but I’m fed up with him (when backed into a corner because I’ve pointed out yet again that actually it’s not me that’s wrong but him) using lies, petty behaviour or insults to back out of the situation - he has form for this and I’ve had enough of it. He always tries to turn things back onto me. And the patronising work phone voice thing he did with me has made me absolutely irate.

The fact is, this wasn’t my fault, it was his, but I get blamed for it and as soon as I try and fight back he uses dirty tactics to get me to shut up. AIBU?

longwayoff Thu 08-Nov-18 07:17:45

Yawn. Grow up.

Cheeeeislifenow Thu 08-Nov-18 07:18:38

He sounds like he was being a right arsehole.. does he have issues apologising or admitting to fault?

kalinkafoxtrot45 Thu 08-Nov-18 07:19:03

YANBU. He sounds like a twat.

Cherries101 Thu 08-Nov-18 07:20:51

Plenty of women book their own car service in the ME. YABU. As the SAHP in a foreign country you need to be more self-sufficient.

SillySallySingsSongs Thu 08-Nov-18 07:21:17

You both sound childish tbh.

TravelBlues Thu 08-Nov-18 07:21:59

Maybe living in that culture of disrespect for women is rubbing off.

Sowhatifidosnore Thu 08-Nov-18 07:23:08

YABU - as one of the adults in your house you should have booked it in and taken it in yourself!!

Peaceisbliss Thu 08-Nov-18 07:24:01

Valuable lesson learnt here. Start trying to become as independent as you were in the UK. That way you remove the stress and worry of having to depend on him so much.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Thu 08-Nov-18 07:24:11

It's your car, you drive it, book it in for the service yourself. I don't understand why you didn't when the mileage got so low.

The way the two of you handle your arguments is another matter, but what you're arguing about is your fault, actually, not his.

And how have you not invalidated the warranty already if it had 9 km to go about two weeks ago and you drive 200 km a week?!

Sowhatifidosnore Thu 08-Nov-18 07:24:21

Regardless of which country you live in. Are you suggesting that they would have refused the booking if you made it, being a woman?

Clutterbugsmum Thu 08-Nov-18 07:25:22

If you knew your car needed a service why didn't you just book it in.

You did create this argument by not doing it when you saw the service light come on.

It may be easier where you live for a 'man' to do that doesn't mean you can't do it yourself.

TulipsInBloom1 Thu 08-Nov-18 07:27:29

OP youve had a 1000km warning. If he hadnt booked it within a few days of saying he would, you should have either done it or reminded him.

Sirzy Thu 08-Nov-18 07:28:54

Sounds like you both forgot and left it to the last minute. Lesson learnt.

Take responsibility for your own car!

WhiteCoyote Thu 08-Nov-18 07:30:25

maybe living in that culture of disrespect for women is rubbing off this was literally my exact first thought.

If it’s not illegal for a woman to book her own car into a service there’s no reason you can’t do it yourself - the easier option doesn’t have to be the right one.

I wouldn’t have kept pestering him after the first initial phone call being ended to be honest. Yes he was wrong but I’d wait to discuss it when he was home and in a robsbly calmer environment.

NameChanger365 Thu 08-Nov-18 07:30:59

Tbh I think the car issue is joint responsibility - you had noticed it was due and not mentioned it for 1-3 weeks, he then forgot about it for a couple of weeks too. Yes he had last responsibility for it, and it annoys me when someone says they’re going to do something that i could and would do myself (would you?) but they insist they’ll do it (did that happen?), then don’t, leaving me stuck. But really you’ve both done the same thing of forgetting about it.

But the way he’s then reacted is indeed dick-ish. Yanbu.

Bleurgh0 Thu 08-Nov-18 07:48:54

If it’s not illegal for a woman to book her own car into a service there’s no reason you can’t do it yourself - the easier option doesn’t have to be the right one.

There are all kinds of situations where things are legal in theory but culture makes them v difficult or even nigh on impossible.

Maybe it's time to leave the ME?

Unicyclethief Thu 08-Nov-18 07:49:21

He sounds like a grumpy tosser. But why the fuck can’t you book your own car in? You don’t sound all that capable to me. And who the fuck has time for petty phone/text arguments? No wonder he put the phone down.

Loonoon Thu 08-Nov-18 07:52:14

You both forgot the car service so you are both at fault there.

HWBU and a dick to hang up on you. YWBU to call him back at work to continue a petty argument. No one wins here.

RedSkyLastNight Thu 08-Nov-18 07:52:14

It's your car so primarily your responsibility.
He's at fault for saying he'd do it and forgetting it, but you noticed it the week before and also forgot to mention it to him - it's easy enough to do.

As the one driving the car, and the one being aware of the mileage coming down, and the one that would be affected by it, it was up to you to remind him and check he'd done it (assuming there's some reason why you couldn't do it yourself).

Hisaishi Thu 08-Nov-18 07:55:25

I've also lived in the middle east, I was single, so I had no option but to suck it all up and do it myself, whether or not it was easier for a man to do it or not.

Your husband sounds like a patronising twat, but if someone relied on me to do stuff like that, I'd probably take the huff too tbh.

mummmy2017 Thu 08-Nov-18 07:58:58

Call the garage now and explain to them...
They may be able to do something to help.

Sirzy Thu 08-Nov-18 08:01:17

Sometimes hanging up on someone is the better option than letting the petty argument carry on and escalate

NotANotMan Thu 08-Nov-18 08:05:37

He was at work and you called him to ask him to change his work day around, which seemingly stressed him out (fair enough) then you called him back at work to keep arguing, and got the hump because he spoke in a tone you didn't like.
I could say don't be a SAHM in the Middle East but that's hardly the point of your post - but it is the first thing that is jumping into my head tbh

Alfie190 Thu 08-Nov-18 08:14:19

You knew it needed doing, you are at home, it wasn't "a car thing" per se it was a phone call. I am not surprised your husband was annoyed with you pestering him at work for something you could have done yourself weeks ago. Grow up.

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