To be having a ‘nervous breakdown’ over what DH thinks is trivial

[CreativeBee]

Ok so may be nervous breakdown is OTT but it definitely feels like it.
Last week we decided to decorate DS (18) bedroom. DS has been sleeping on the dining room couch during summer hols due to the heat (his room is in the attic and it was sweltering) but refused to go back to his room because it was a state. Anyways nothing got done during the holidays and a week before DC went back to school/college DH decided he had time so we should not only de clutter the WHOLE house but paint DS room too.
Anyways, the house looks worse than it ever has, I can’t do much as I have a really bad back, DS room is nearly painted (DH has run out of paint and was meant to get paint 2 days ago but is now at work) DH is now trying to finish everything after work which means we’re not getting to bed till 2am but still need to be up at 6.30am for DC school run. The wardrobe is up, we still have a chest of drawers to put up, everything is everywhere and the straw that broke the camels back, DS bed arrived today (bought new of eBay) and it was the wrong bed!!! So I rang the company up and the person blatantly lied to me saying I’d ordered the wrong item (got photos of the advert to prove I haven’t). Long story short I got so vexed that I ended up swearing at the guy (not me at all). The stress has got to me so much that yesterday I ended up walking out in the middle of the night.
So not to drip feed, I suffer from anxiety and it gets worse with clutter and lack of organisation. I just can’t stand the mess everywhere and nothing in its place. DH said I’m BU but in my defence why start something you can’t give time to, he doesn’t work a set time which means that I never know when anything is going to get done. If I am BU please advise me on how to deal with my situation.

[Cornettoninja]

I get stressed by a needlessly messy and disorganised house. Just after I had dd I think I was at the point of nervous collapse and dp just didn’t/doesn’t get it. I also have a bad back which makes it all so much worse not being able to just sort it myself so sympathies from me.

I’ve no magic way of feeling better about it unfortunately but it does sound like your dh is trying. It’s not enough and he’s obviously got no organisational skills but it’s some small comfort.

Could you get your older ds to put up the drawers?

[Seeingadistance]

I get that living in a guddle is particularly horrible for you and is making you really anxious.

What I don't get is why an 18 year old isn't decorating his own bedroom and putting in the effort himself to make it good it enough for him! He's a young man, not a small child.

[Neshoma]

Really you should have tackled on job at a time. Did DS need a new bed Did he need it now.

It sounds very stressful, but you need to be more organised if you can't finish the job straight away. Does DH need to be up at 6.30 for the school run or can you give him another hour in bed?

[CreativeBee]

Thank you Cornettoninja I do feel bad for DH because I know he’s trying but you hit the nail on the head, he has no organisation skills whatsoever. I think the issue with the bed has just tipped me over the edge because I now have to wait for it to resolved before I can buy another bed and it’s currently sat in my corridor. DS is useful as a chocolate teapot, it was like working with the chuckle brothers whilst putting up the wardrobe with DH and DS, it would never have got done if I hadn’t been there but it’s so frustrating to not be able to do it myself because of my back 😣

[Neshoma]

one at a time

[CreativeBee]

DS didn’t originally need a new bed but when we started de cluttering we found some type of infestation of bugs and they were actually inside his foam mattress, we had to get rid of the bed because that was fabric too. I hate to admit it but DS is the most unhygienic and entitled person I have ever come across. Don’t get me wrong he’s a really sweet person but he’s just not motivated, clean or bothered about anything in our house. I can’t drive because of my back so DH has to do the school run but even if I could give him an extra hour, I’m still up with him and getting up with DC.

[Lellikelly26]

If your DS is 18 he can deal with his own room? DH is good doing it at all. Also if you are going to bed at 2am and getting up as normal you are going to be tired and get more upset than usual.

[Lucisky]

Crikey, how big is this room that you are having to decorate it until 2 am each night?
Stop stressing. Your son can continue to sleep in the dining room. When the room is ready, it's ready. I do think he should be helping more though. We were all as useless as chocolate tea pots at one time, it's only by rolling up our sleeves and learning how to do things that we evolve into fully formed adults.

[CreativeBee]

Lol Lucisky the rooms not that big, it’s the colour DS has chosen and the previous colour which means the room has needed several coats 😞. We’ve really not had much luck, the first lot of paint we got was thin and watery but we had to continue with it because we’d opened it, we then got the next lot colour matched and now we’ve ran out again. I’m so fed up and I know DS should help more but he’s just unwilling and will purposely wind me up by whinging, making a fuss/mess whilst doing something around the house. I think I just need to kick him out now 😆

[Nottheduchessofcambridge]

Why don’t you put up the drawers and get the paint?

[Tartsamazeballs]

DS is 18, why can't he help paint his room? Dad does the cutting in, he does the rollering it'll be done in a day or two surely?

[Cornettoninja]

I know it’s a terribly MN non-solution usually but is there any chance of a weekend away with the understanding your dh blitzes it while your away (mainly so you don’t have to witness the inevitable dickheadedness) this includes getting the ‘decluttering’ at least organised in a liveable way (preferably back cluttering the shed if an option).

[Cornettoninja]

Why don’t you put up the drawers and get the paint

🙄 just pop in a new spine whilst your at it won’t you

[Nottheduchessofcambridge]

Why would she need a new spine?

[CreativeBee]

Nottheduchessofcambridge I cant get to B&Q because I can’t drive at the moment and any bending or lifting is impossible with my back. DH is putting up the chest of drawers right now, he just asked DS to help pass pieces so he can assemble quicker and ‘D’S is sat on his phone, he’s 18 and he can throw a tantrum like a bloody 2 year old. Must admit it was easier when he was younger because I would have consequences such as no tv or computer, how do I implement that on an 18 year old? He knows how his room has caused this chaos, I’m having to wash ALL his clothes because of the bugs he had, DD has bites on her legs and chest so shes whining. If I go away for a day or two DH won’t know what to do he’ll be lost and I’d come back to the same crap. I have things in boxes and labels on all the boxes DH still manages to either not put things back in the right place or not put it away at all.
Is this a man thing?? Or do I have OCD?

[Nottheduchessofcambridge]

Sorry OP, thought that when you were saying “we” have still got to do this and that, I took it as that you were helping out. I think that if you can’t help because of your disability, you should try and give your DH a break. He’s working and then having to decorate, all on his own, with an ungrateful DS. Maybe you should start hinting about him getting a job to pay for the decorating of his room, start circling local ads for flats, etc. It is totally not on that he has caused some of this problem by being unclean and unhygienic and is sitting there being moody.

[Pigglesworth]

I actually think maybe it's time for your son to either comply with the expectations of your home (i.e., respect, contributing helpfully), or to move out?

[CreativeBee]

I’m helping by reading instructions but unable to help in anyway ☹️. Nottheduchessofcambridge Pigglesworth I think you’re both right he needs a kick on his behind or start thinking about shipping out, he knows mess/disorganisation causes high levels of anxiety and it’s totally unfair that DH is having to do everything when he has a grown son in the house.

[tomatosalt]

I very much empathise with you OP. It’s one thing to like a tidy house and another thing to like a tidy house but be completely unable to have any control over the situation due to your health.
Draw up a list of tasks, assign the tasks according to free time/skills and go on ‘strike’ if your DS won’t comply. Do not cook him dinner, wash his clothes etc.

[tomatosalt]

I say if DS won’t comply because he has caused this chaos and he is really the person who should be doing the majority of the work to set it right at 18.

[crimsonlake]

Personally I would be more inclined to be worrying about the bugs, hoping they are not bed bugs?

[Babdoc]

If they are bed bugs you will need to get a professional pest controller in, and the whole house will need treated. They hide inside skirting boards and cracks, it’s no good just treating or binning the mattress.
You may have to temporarily move out while the house is heated to about 50C for a few days to kill them off, or is completely fumigated with strong insecticide.

[thenightsky]

I'd be more worried about these bugs OP. What are they? If they are bed bugs you are going to have to fumigate the whole house.

[WhatIsThisTomfoolery]

The problem here isn't your back, the mess, lack of paint or your DH lack of organisation

It's your DS

And more specifically, his behaviour. Why have you accepted this? It's not too late to sort him out. Tough love required

[MrsStrowman]

So your 18yr old DS refused to sleep in his room until it was decorated, even though you've said it's his disgusting habits that have made it the way it was, he then refuses to help in anyway... You haven't got a DH problem you've got a DS problem, if he wants it finished he can do it and he's not sleeping on the sofa anymore, your DH is working and coming home to try and finish it, you can't help him and DS won't, don't nag him, he deserves a medal, I would've lost it by now if I was in his position..