Nephew party dilemma

[user1468263541]

To decline invitation to twin nephew's 2nd birthday party? It's the wknd after their birthday, at an activty place aimed at 3yrs and under which is nearly an hour away from where we live. My son and daughter are 11 and 7 and will not really have anything to do. And selfishly, my husband and I feel like we've 'done our duty' with crappy soft play places now our kids are that much older and really don't want spend our Sunday afternoon there! I am more keen to suggest we pop in to visit the boys on their actual birthday and do gifts etc then. But decline the actual party. SIL is lovely, but tends to assume all family members will always want to be involved with her kid's parties - so I'm concerned she'll be offended that we don't want to go and watch her children run around a sweaty soft play place with a load of their 2 year old friends. When I mentioned to my eldest that we might not go, she looked a bit worried because apparently SIL had already mentioned it to her and told her she'd be really useful to help run around and look after the little ones! Which knarked my husband off, that she'd already assumed we'd be going and that our kids will be there to help! Should we be honest and say why we don't want to go? If the shoe was on the other foot, we wouldn't be at all offended if all family members didn't want to come to our kid's parties - in fact I very much doubt we'd have even invited adult relatives with older kids/no kids to our child's party if it was in an activity type place. Would've been more of a polite mention, "btw, we're having Johnny's party at XYZ Play Place, you're very welcome to pop in but totally understand if you don't want to". But I think SIL may be more inclined to be offended than us as seems to view things differently. Or is it that actually we ABU by not wanting to go?

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Just be honest. Your dc are now too old for soft play but you'd love to see DN on his birthday etc I'm sure she will understand. Maybe she invited you as she didn't want to leave you all out?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

YANBU. Sounds horrific. Offer to pop in with gifts another time "so we're not too all too distracted to enjoy a proper catch up".

[JeanieLouToo]

I wouldn't want to go to that! Can you make some other plans being as it's the weekend after and its reasonable that you would have saved the twins actual birthday to be free?

When I have had my children's parties, I always put on a spread for the adults as much as the kids (if I want adults to come). If it was age focused on a small range like this party, I would not at all be expecting anyone older to come and would arrange a separate get together, especially if they live further away and wouldn't want to take up their whole day not spending quality time.

What have you got for their birthday present? Could you arrange a day out for all of you? That's what my sister always gets my kids. I love it!

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

Definitely be honest! Say that you'd love to see them to say happy birthday but that you have done your fair share of soft play's etc and that the kids are not jnto them anymore. I think they will understand....

[Funnyface1]

I wouldn't go to that in your position. Especially since it sounds like they just want you there so they can rope your kids in to supervise.

Make an excuse if it's easier and you're worried about offending her. Make arrangements to see them for presents another day.

[user1468263541]

Thanks all - I'm relieved to know that others also find the idea of the party horrific. Whilst part of our reason for not wanting to go is that our children have thankfully outgrown forced fun at grubby soft play places...we actually just really can't think of anything we'd rather not do on a precious wknd! But thought maybe we'd be viewed as the un-caring Uncle and Aunt. Think I'm going to risk being the black sheep and just be totally honest.

[19lottie82]

Im on the fence here. Did your SIL make the effort to come to your kids parties when they were little and she was child free? If so then yes, I’d make the effort to turn up. If she didn’t, then feel free to stay at home, guilt free.

[FASH84]

Did she come to your DCs parties before she had children and they were boring for her?

[Notcool1984]

I would go. She's family and it may mean a lot to her... it's just a few hours out of your weekend.

[Pinkvoid]

YANBU. I hate softplay and avoid at all costs. You need to be honest and explain your DC are too old for it but give them your very fair compromise.

[cheesefield]

If she's the type to kick up a fuss I'd probably say we had tickets booked to a show/concert/exhibition or something.

Can't be arsed with the drama.

[IceCreamFace]

It depends what type of party it is and whether other family will be going. I assumed that everyone hated two year old's birthday parties (including the 2 year old themselves quite often) and you just go because it's a nice thing to do for family and you can help out SiL with the screaming 2 year olds.

Did she come to your kid's parties?

[junebirthdaygirl]

I would go. Its important that your dc become part of their little cousins life. My dc are older than a lot of cousins and always went to parties and ran around minding them all. Its a lovely bonding thing between age groups. The little ones adored their big cousins and ran straight up to them when they arrived at their party all excited to see them there. It won't kill you and everyone will be happy. ( except you!!) But family relationships are important. It gives your dc a strong sense of belonging.

[user1468263541]

Yes, she did come to the odd party when our children were little - she's lovely and maternal and like Mary Poppins and wanted to be there because she loves kids and loved our kids. Although we were always very clear that we didn't mind either way who did or didn't attend. At the time she was child free and desperately wanted marriage and kids etc. Now she has it and I'm very happy for her, she's a great mum and does really well as has 3 kids under 4. But she does also have the tendency to assume everyone loves her kids and wants to be involved in everything as much as she used to involve herself with ours and other kids in the family when she was single and child free (sends many, many photos on family whatsapp group etc and tends to make sure her kids are involved with every family thing, even if it's not really suitable/age appropriate) but that's not always possible/realistic. However, I can see why it may be more polite to attend even though we'd prefer not to. But I know my husband will disagree and rightly point out that she'll have lots of other people there from the family to help out who live closer even though they'd probaly rather not be there either. I'd imagine we'll end up going, because we are actually nice people even though some of what I've said may mean we don't appear to be .

[trancepants]

7 year olds are too old for soft play? None that I've ever met. Don't think I've ever met an 11 year old who didn't still enjoy it either. I know that as a small 14-15 year old I used to pretend to be 12 so I could still go. As an adult teenager I knew a lot of staff of a local soft play and they used to play on the stuff themselves every evening when it closed. And everyone I know lists one of the best things about becoming a mother as getting to go back in the soft play and use the slides.

Is the party in something like a kindergym rather than a normal soft play area? Because I find it very hard to believe that neither of your children would enjoy a trip to a regular soft play venue. They'd be extremely, extremely unusual to not. Is it more that you and your husband don't enjoy them.

[serbska]

You’re probably a token invite anyway ;-) just say you can’t make the party party but you’ll see nephew on to give him his gift and celebrate.

[IceCreamFace]

Awww she sounds lovely and I think you should go. It's not fair on people who have kids later than their siblings if other family members say "well we're bored of little kids now" when they made the effort to go to your kids parties.

[AjasLipstick]

Trance OP says it's a place aimed at under 3's. So more of a baby soft play.

My DC are 10 and 14 and they both stopped wanting soft play at about 7-8.

[Maelstrop]

Either send the 7 year old with one parent and let the 11 year old have a fun day with the other or just decline. I’m quite honest about these things now, I would hate it, I won’t go.

[Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar]

Of course you don’t have to go! Especially since she’s made it clear that your 11 year old has been roped in as the hired help under the guise of being invited (to softplay haha!)
What does she expect you to do while everyone else sits in the ballpit with their toddlers?!

[m0therofdragons]

7 & 11 yo still enjoy soft play. I guess everyone's family is different but I can't understand why you'd be such a cow to a family member you like. Your dc are old enough that at soft play you grab a coffee and ignore them for a hour. It's not like soft play when dc are 3 and you end up constantly watching.

[MrsOsM]

I had DD's 3rd birthday at a soft play place the day after her birthday. I didn't invite adult family members or those with older DC as they would have been bored.
People just popped in and out of my house all day on her actual birthday to see her, this is normal for us for anyone's birthday.
(MIL of course caused a fuss she wasn't invited but that's another story).
I don't think YABU to not go.

[user1468263541]

m0therofdragons If you'd read my post properly before assuming I'm 'such a cow', you'd know it's soft play aimed at 3 years and under If your 7 and 11 year old enjoy you taking them places aimed at under 3's while you ignore them and drink coffee, all credit to you

[AjasLipstick]

And I also recognise the SIL using your DD for entertainment of her child. My SIL does the same. Expects my 10 year old to be a constant babysitter/playmate for her 4 year old.

[Languageofkindness]

Just go for goodness sake - it’s 2 hours out of your life for family. Honestly... and my 7 and 9 year old would be absolutely fine to potter around a soft play for whatever age even if just to help. I think it’s quite selfish actually if she came to yours. But I suspect you only want your slightly selfish opinion on it reinforced!