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To ask if you have access to your child's phone?

(33 Posts)
ForeverFatal82 Sun 17-Jun-18 20:17:43

NC. Posting for traffic.

DC is 10 and had a phone given to them by their other parent or possibly their parent's partner (can't get a straight story on that one and it's probably irrelevant). DC has been told by parent that they must not let the other parent have access to their phone and must be careful not to let the parent see the password. DC has no real use for a phone and is not permitted to use it at school so seems pointless.

DC knows not to keep secrets and that being asked to keep a secret by an adult, even if a parent, is wrong (unless it's about a present or nice surprise etc).

Should parents have access to their kid's phone at this age? There's such potential for bullying, grooming etc with technology.

AlexanderHamilton Sun 17-Jun-18 20:22:15

Yes parents should have access & that is what schools, the police & other children’s organisations advise.

I’m very glad that I’ve had access to my kids phones as I’ve csught stuff in time that could have been nasty or dangerous.

Mokepon Sun 17-Jun-18 20:23:27

Hell yes! No password, no phone.
I also have an almost 11 yo and she knows I'll check her phone. I will likely relax a bit once she's over 16 grin but there will be spot checks for a good while yet.
There is too much potential for danger/damage if left to their.own devices.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 17-Jun-18 20:24:29

Yes I have access to DS's phone. Would I want my XH to have access to it? Probably not tbh.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Sun 17-Jun-18 20:25:08

Yes parents should have access - both of them.

Absolutely out of order by the parent who said that the other parent must not know the password and a very unfair position to put a child in.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake Sun 17-Jun-18 20:26:51

Yes. Both dd and ds know if they change their pins, or remove my thumbprint from their phones so I cannot access them, the phones will be taken away. They are 10 and 11 now, but this rule will be in place until they have finished their GCSEs

Igmum Sun 17-Jun-18 20:26:52

Yes, absolutely, 100%. DD is 11 and I have access to her phone, I do check it and we do discuss messages etc. Your DC's other parent is being a daft soft idiot, or doing a bit of stirring, or both. The person most likely to be harmed if you don't have access to their phone is your DC.

somewhereovertherain Sun 17-Jun-18 20:26:53

Wouldn’t give a 10 y/o a phone firstly.

And secondly we’ve always had access to our DDs phones. Simple rule they refuse the phone goes in the bin.

ForeverFatal82 Sun 17-Jun-18 20:30:10

I think it's unfair on the child too. Parents pretty much NC due to abuse in the marriage. Child has been told no password, no phone, and still refuses to allow access because other parent told them not to so they are worried about repercussions.

CisMyArse Sun 17-Jun-18 20:31:38

Same as others. 100% for BOTH parents checking. Other parent being a Dickhead and controlling about this. Out of order. You need to communicate this to the other parent. Will you?

Blighty0204 Sun 17-Jun-18 20:31:53

I recently looked into this too. Mine are slightly older. What I found was if you pay for the phone then you can do as you wish. But it comes highly recommended that you inform said child of your intentions to check the phone as opposed to secretly spying. To keep transparent and honest with each other to avoid damaging the relationship. By consent is always best practice. I can't see it being any different regardless who gave him or pays for the phone. You have parental responsibility. Bit naughty of other parent to encourage keeping things from you. Enlighten other parent to the risks with rigour.

ForeverFatal82 Sun 17-Jun-18 20:33:33

No need for phone until high school but parent's partner went and got them anyway. Sibling of 8 also has one. DC playing on phone until midnight when at NRP house angry

RoseanneBarred Sun 17-Jun-18 20:34:13

DC has been told by parent that they must not let the other parent have access to their phone and must be careful not to let the parent see the password.

If you are the 'other parent' I would be livid at this. Totally and utterly wrong.

annikin Sun 17-Jun-18 20:38:07

Yes, both parents should absolutely have access for safety reasons. I think the only exception would be if the parent was the person you needed protecting from.

auntiebasil Sun 17-Jun-18 20:38:21

My Y6 has one. I have full access. We regularly discuss safety and good practices. She has good instincts (but not perfect obviously) and knows to tell me if anything she is uncomfortable about happens. And I randomly check it without her knowing about it.
If she had a device I was excluded from I would take action.

EskSmith Sun 17-Jun-18 20:39:53

If you don't have access to the phone then you can't ensure your dc is safe online. Therefore the only thing that can be done is for the phone to be left at the other parents or turned off as soon as they leave there and not turned back on until they go back.

Given the lengths the other parent has gone to I'd say its certain they have enabled tracking on the phone (this tracking your movement as well as you aren't likely to be separated from the child outside of school/ clubs etc. They may well have installed monitoring apps too.

If you think the other paeent is not ensuring their well being by monitoring their online behaviour then that is another matter entirely, school may well help you here as it could well be a safeguarding issue.

VanGoghsLeftEar Sun 17-Jun-18 20:40:17

Yes. Her dad gets an alert each time she posts something on SM and he checks her texts regularly.

NewYearNewMe18 Sun 17-Jun-18 20:43:28

We only get one side of this.

If I were the NRP and wanted a relationship with my child, I wouldn't necessarily want the other parent overseeing that relationship. Other than bandying round the usual allegations of abuse/manipulative/narc etc, why not trust him - he does have RP after all - to do the checking?

DragonMummy1418 Sun 17-Jun-18 20:53:16

Both parents should have access!

(Unless there is a safeguarding issue but then surely the parent wouldn't have access to the child)

Any decent parent should put the safety of the child first and agree they both need to be able to monitor and protect the child's internet and phone usage!

ForeverFatal82 Sun 17-Jun-18 20:54:16

The tracking aspect is worrying. Also suspect it's a control thing. Phone can't go to school and NRP can't come to the house due to restraining order so now RP has no contact with DCs during their time with NRP which is what the phones were mainly used for apart from playing games. DCs both like to message when away and video call. It's a recent thing and they enjoy being able to keep in touch and the novelty of having phones.

llangennith Sun 17-Jun-18 21:06:32

Take the phone away from DD and return it to her father.

rosesandflowers1 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:11:57

In my house they get phones when they are 11. I don't believe in requiring to know their passwords etc. I'd rather have an atmosphere that means they'd come to me instead, rather than taking intrusive protective measures - which IME kids always get around.

I'd be very worried about one parent/partner saying that the other can't have access though. I'd return the phone if necessary. Sounds like they want an unmonitored way of talking to the child that they actively don't want the other parent to see.

FermatsTheorem Sun 17-Jun-18 21:14:42

Hell yes.

DS knew from the get-go that a condition of him having a phone was that I can check it whenever I want and I also have an app on there (Qustodio) which sends me a daily summary of what he's doing.

somewhereovertherain Sun 17-Jun-18 21:26:24

I’d return the phone to the other parent and not allow it in your house without reasonable access.

My kids had phones at 13 do not understand why anyone younger needs a phone. My DDs now 16/17 and supply their own phones but I pay the contract. And would expect access if it was needed.

agentdaisy Sun 17-Jun-18 21:43:59

My eldest (10yo) has a phone and has been told they have it as long as they abide by certain rules. Dh and I will check their phone now and again and we know their password. They aren't allowed any social media and can only add friends to WhatsApp. They have to ask to download any apps and play store is linked to my email anyway. The phone gets handed in at bedtime so they aren't on it all night.

If they don't abide by the rules then they will lose the phone. So far I've only checked the phone twice and it's been handed over without complaint each time. I've explained that I'm not reading conversations in detail I just want to check that they aren't being bullied or getting caught up in situations they don't mean to.

I'll still check the dc's phones till they're older but will obviously relax the rules as they get older. I hope that by having these rules and asking for their phone to check rather than just taking it that as they get older they'll be able to come to me if they have any problems.

It's not right that the nrp is telling your dc to not let you see their phone, especially in your situation, it seems like they're trying their best to control you even in this small way. I'd be taking the phones as they come in after contact and turning them off, let them have them for an hour once a week at yours to contact their other parent, and give them back as they go for contact again.

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