To ask if you have access to your child's phone?

[ForeverFatal82]

NC. Posting for traffic.

DC is 10 and had a phone given to them by their other parent or possibly their parent's partner (can't get a straight story on that one and it's probably irrelevant). DC has been told by parent that they must not let the other parent have access to their phone and must be careful not to let the parent see the password. DC has no real use for a phone and is not permitted to use it at school so seems pointless.

DC knows not to keep secrets and that being asked to keep a secret by an adult, even if a parent, is wrong (unless it's about a present or nice surprise etc).

Should parents have access to their kid's phone at this age? There's such potential for bullying, grooming etc with technology.

[Blighty0204]

The list goes on but SS aren't interested as aren't at risk
I here your frustration. Got the T-shirt. SS see it as you are the main carer. They don't tend to (in my experience) to invest resource in the NRP without a third party concern. GP, teacher, neighbour etc. They don't have the resources i was lead to believe. They may or may not intervene if other parent was main carer. Prioritising their case work load.

[Zoflorabore]

My ds is 15 and in year 10 and i know his password and have access to his phone if need be, plus he leaves it at home on school days on charge.

Me and his dad ( separated ) pay half each of his contract every month, he's got an iPhone 8 and knows that is part of the deal.

I would never snoop through his phone as I trust him but he knows that I can access it so is probably quite careful what he looks at :)

A 10 year old? Hell yes. No discussion.

[ForeverFatal82]

Social services have been involved and don't seem interested in how unsupervised they are in general. Parent sleeps during the day and leaves then unsupervised for however long, they play out on a rough estate and talk to strangers, play games they are too young for and think RP is far too strict. It's difficult as NRP is very lax. No bedtime, playing on phones until midnight, poor hygiene. The list goes on but SS aren't interested as aren't at risk.

[Blighty0204]

If the other parent has no concept of the dangers of unsupervised children on the internet, i would be very worried what freedoms children had in their care and the risk involved.

[Blighty0204]

It's a recent thing and they enjoy being able to keep in touch and the novelty of having phones
Wait til they're a couple of years into secondary school and you think you can start being more lax. It gets worse lol My biggest regret was introducing mobile phones too early (9 years). I thought i was giving them advantage for studies and research which it did they're excelling. But they also learn the habits and philosophies of some ridiculous bloggers who don't live in the real world. Or their friends at school. You can monitor every site they see but not all the information they're absorbing. I have turned off WI FI now and got them computers each downstairs.

[ForeverFatal82]

The phone has been switched off and taken away and will be returned at some point to the other parent.

[sunshinewithabitofdrizzle]

My dd had a phone quite young (dont remember exactly but maybe 10) as her df would regularly not answer the phone to me, so her having her own phone meant at least I had a way of contacting her and she could call me if she needed or wanted to. I had access to everything on the phone and she had no social media until she turned 13 so that wasn't an issue.

[MakeItRain]

I think in that case I would calmly say they are not to use the phones at your house as you are unable to monitor their activity. I would insist the phones either stay at his house or else if at yours you keep them in a cupboard. Remove the battery so no apps are able to work.

Then I would provide the children with a way of contacting their father while at yours if that's what they wish to do. Either a different phone for your house only, or a tablet.

But you have a very valid reason for saying they can't use them at your house. Try to stay calm about it. Just tell your children you do need to check their Internet use so they'll need to use a different tablet/phone at yours. I wouldn't even suggest they give you the password for their phone any more as it's probably a better idea for them not to use their phones at your house if you think he's using them to track your whereabouts.

[agentdaisy]

My eldest (10yo) has a phone and has been told they have it as long as they abide by certain rules. Dh and I will check their phone now and again and we know their password. They aren't allowed any social media and can only add friends to WhatsApp. They have to ask to download any apps and play store is linked to my email anyway. The phone gets handed in at bedtime so they aren't on it all night.

If they don't abide by the rules then they will lose the phone. So far I've only checked the phone twice and it's been handed over without complaint each time. I've explained that I'm not reading conversations in detail I just want to check that they aren't being bullied or getting caught up in situations they don't mean to.

I'll still check the dc's phones till they're older but will obviously relax the rules as they get older. I hope that by having these rules and asking for their phone to check rather than just taking it that as they get older they'll be able to come to me if they have any problems.

It's not right that the nrp is telling your dc to not let you see their phone, especially in your situation, it seems like they're trying their best to control you even in this small way. I'd be taking the phones as they come in after contact and turning them off, let them have them for an hour once a week at yours to contact their other parent, and give them back as they go for contact again.

[somewhereovertherain]

I’d return the phone to the other parent and not allow it in your house without reasonable access.

My kids had phones at 13 do not understand why anyone younger needs a phone. My DDs now 16/17 and supply their own phones but I pay the contract. And would expect access if it was needed.

[FermatsTheorem]

Hell yes.

DS knew from the get-go that a condition of him having a phone was that I can check it whenever I want and I also have an app on there (Qustodio) which sends me a daily summary of what he's doing.

[rosesandflowers1]

In my house they get phones when they are 11. I don't believe in requiring to know their passwords etc. I'd rather have an atmosphere that means they'd come to me instead, rather than taking intrusive protective measures - which IME kids always get around.

I'd be very worried about one parent/partner saying that the other can't have access though. I'd return the phone if necessary. Sounds like they want an unmonitored way of talking to the child that they actively don't want the other parent to see.

[llangennith]

Take the phone away from DD and return it to her father.

[ForeverFatal82]

The tracking aspect is worrying. Also suspect it's a control thing. Phone can't go to school and NRP can't come to the house due to restraining order so now RP has no contact with DCs during their time with NRP which is what the phones were mainly used for apart from playing games. DCs both like to message when away and video call. It's a recent thing and they enjoy being able to keep in touch and the novelty of having phones.

[DragonMummy1418]

Both parents should have access!

(Unless there is a safeguarding issue but then surely the parent wouldn't have access to the child)

Any decent parent should put the safety of the child first and agree they both need to be able to monitor and protect the child's internet and phone usage!

[NewYearNewMe18]

We only get one side of this.

If I were the NRP and wanted a relationship with my child, I wouldn't necessarily want the other parent overseeing that relationship. Other than bandying round the usual allegations of abuse/manipulative/narc etc, why not trust him - he does have RP after all - to do the checking?

[VanGoghsLeftEar]

Yes. Her dad gets an alert each time she posts something on SM and he checks her texts regularly.

[EskSmith]

If you don't have access to the phone then you can't ensure your dc is safe online. Therefore the only thing that can be done is for the phone to be left at the other parents or turned off as soon as they leave there and not turned back on until they go back.

Given the lengths the other parent has gone to I'd say its certain they have enabled tracking on the phone (this tracking your movement as well as you aren't likely to be separated from the child outside of school/ clubs etc. They may well have installed monitoring apps too.

If you think the other paeent is not ensuring their well being by monitoring their online behaviour then that is another matter entirely, school may well help you here as it could well be a safeguarding issue.

[auntiebasil]

My Y6 has one. I have full access. We regularly discuss safety and good practices. She has good instincts (but not perfect obviously) and knows to tell me if anything she is uncomfortable about happens. And I randomly check it without her knowing about it.
If she had a device I was excluded from I would take action.

[annikin]

Yes, both parents should absolutely have access for safety reasons. I think the only exception would be if the parent was the person you needed protecting from.

[RoseanneBarred]

DC has been told by parent that they must not let the other parent have access to their phone and must be careful not to let the parent see the password.

If you are the 'other parent' I would be livid at this. Totally and utterly wrong.

[ForeverFatal82]

No need for phone until high school but parent's partner went and got them anyway. Sibling of 8 also has one. DC playing on phone until midnight when at NRP house

[Blighty0204]

I recently looked into this too. Mine are slightly older. What I found was if you pay for the phone then you can do as you wish. But it comes highly recommended that you inform said child of your intentions to check the phone as opposed to secretly spying. To keep transparent and honest with each other to avoid damaging the relationship. By consent is always best practice. I can't see it being any different regardless who gave him or pays for the phone. You have parental responsibility. Bit naughty of other parent to encourage keeping things from you. Enlighten other parent to the risks with rigour.

[CisMyArse]

Same as others. 100% for BOTH parents checking. Other parent being a Dickhead and controlling about this. Out of order. You need to communicate this to the other parent. Will you?

[ForeverFatal82]

I think it's unfair on the child too. Parents pretty much NC due to abuse in the marriage. Child has been told no password, no phone, and still refuses to allow access because other parent told them not to so they are worried about repercussions.