About friend's very convenient back injury?

[equiva]

NC for this one. Sorry it's quite long.

Friend and I are both currently taking masters degrees, with exam period around now (first year of two year degree though).

Friend has been on and off complaining about a bad back since starting her degree, she fell down a few stairs at a workplace about 3 years ago - got taken to hospital (I think mainly to cover the company's ass as the fall wasn't that drastic) and apparently her back is still bad from that. She's been to the doctors at her university every now and then since September last year.

Conveniently, her back seems to get a whole lot worse when something is coming up that she doesn't want to do. Lately this has been exams - apparently she was up in agony the night before her first exam, ended up going to A&E and subsequently missed that exam, as well as all the others. Doctors sent her home within a few hours with some painkillers. At the time, she said she couldn't even sit up for longer than 15 minutes without being in incredible pain. She has now applied to sit the exams next year.

Thing is, she was telling me how unprepared she was for the exams and how she'd done no revision whatsoever. I find it quite suspicious that her back suddenly got unbearable the night before an exam which (in her own words) she was "definitely going to fail".

In the few weeks since then, she has completed a 4 hour countryside walk, taken up a temporary office job, and driven herself 180 miles across the country. Regularly goes drinking on nights out in killer heels.

With regards to doctors and treatment etc, as far as I know every time she's been to see a doctor, they send her home with some painkillers, gradually increasing in strength each time she goes. She had an MRI scan a few weeks ago but she didn't mention the results to me - she's quite dramatic so I assume she would have told me if something serious was wrong with her.

I'm no doctor and know absolutely nothing about back injuries but common sense is telling me that if something was actually wrong, they'd have kept her in, done a load of tests, and not just continued to give her painkillers - which to me, sounds like a way of getting her to shut up and leave.

AIBU to be seriously doubting her injury? It seems to crop up at the most convenient times for her. I think it bothers me more than it should because I've had my fair share of shit this year but always handed my work in on time, completed my exams etc. I've tried to fade her out of my life, but bumped into a mutual friend today who was horrified when I laughed upon being asked about this friend's 'terrible injury'.

I'll feel a bit shit if it turns out there is something wrong with her, but it really doesn't seem like they're going to find anything.

[calamariqueen]

I had a back injury- got sent home from A&E with pain killers when actually I needed emergency surgery. Stress makes everything worse, especially pain so I think YABU not to believe her. Backs are tricky things to sort out & do get better/worse periodically, but believe me, the timing is never convenient

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

I injured my back years ago when my Mum's dog twisted me awkwardly. Some times you wouldn't know I had a problem - I could easily do a 4 hour walk or drive myself 180 miles. I wouldn't wear killer heels though as I can't walk in heels! Other times I can't stand up straight and struggle to walk and it can be the silliest thing that causes it to go - last time was putting on my sock.

From what you're saying it does sound convenient but I wouldn't necessarily think she was lying just because she's ok sometimes.

[LilMadAgain]

It does sound convenient but it could be a chronic pain disorder of some sort which leaves sufferers able to do activities on a Monday but fucked on a Tuesday. If you're phasing her out of your life you don't need to worry about finding her suspicious do you.

[SmashedMug]

YABU.

[Jasmina456]

Ultimately, you've got no way of knowing. Just because it flares up at convenient times, doesn't mean she's doing it on purpose - stressful situations could cause a sort of psychosomatic relapse. I have a broken ankle that's been fine for years, but every now and then it feels painful again, often when I'm stressed about something at work.

There's nothing you can do about it, so I would just drop her as a friend if it bothers you that much.

[chickenowner]

YABU

I damaged my back while playing on a roundabout as a child. (The spinning kind, not the traffic kind!)

For many years it would flare up every 6 months or so, and I would be unable to even straighten up properly. I would also be in a lot of pain.

The rest of the time I was absolutely fine.

I manage to control it now with regular exercise, but if I ever let up I can feel it twinge again.

You have no idea about your friend's injury or pain.

[ChameleonsInCarsGettingCoffee]

I have scoliosis, and can get back spasms from it. I definitely get more back spasms when I am tense, and I can imagine that these high stress times could make your friend very tense indeed.

She could be making it up or it could be genuine. It depends on whether she has form for anything like this that isn't related to her back.

[Dafspunk]

It is proven that people feel pain more when they are stressed so your friend’s back injury may well feel worse around exams and other stressful events.

[busybarbara]

Pain has a way of flaring up when someone is stressed so even if there is a direct correlation it might not be by her conscious design. This is how chronic pain works and why things like antidepressants are often prescribed for it because it's the mental stress causing the pain.

[yaffingale]

I had a back injury when I fell from my horse at 30mph and got dragged. I got up and walked away, six months later I woke one morning to find I was temporarily paralysed from the waist down.

I had actually broken my back in the accident but because I got up and was walking, albeit in pain, I didn't go to hospital. Biggest mistake of my life!

Maybe she is using it as an excuse, but then again I can sympathise with her if her pain does come and go in massive waves.

At the end of the day it's her masters she is flushing down the drain, not yours

[BlueJava]

Well... it could be aggravated by anxiety or coincidentally flare up. But I've also met people like this at Uni and they are fine until there is a piece of compulstory work or exams. This is harsh but I just distance myself - I've usually got loads of stuff to do myself so it's not difficult. I know that's harsh, feel free to judge, but it annoys me so I just do my own stuff and get on with it!

[PorkFlute]

What other convenient times has she had her back flare up?
You’d have to be pretty desperate to go to A&E and make stuff up just to miss exams. Couldn’t she have resat them anyway if she failed?
Does she generally make stuff up?

[equiva]

Didn't know about the stress making it worse, interesting. Perhaps a stupid question (and from the above - sounds like it might be a mental thing), but what is actually causing the pain? I am genuinely curious (I know how sarcastic that sounds on here but I don't mean it to!) as a lot of the above posts mentioning chronic pain seem to have 'actual injuries' (for lack of better description) e.g. scoliosis, need for surgery etc. whereas this friend has had a number of tests, physiotherapy and so on but never been actually diagnosed.

Actually quite intrigued by this whole chronic pain thing now - will perhaps do some googling when I have time to spare!

To be honest, I still don't believe her though. I was at school with her and she was always one of the ones who was magically ill when end of topic tests were put on, or when she hadn't finished some essay. Just seems somewhat too convenient to me that she can be in A&E in agony at 4am in the morning, then driving herself home halfway across the country at 6pm.

[RoseanneBarred]

YABU and you will finish your masters ages before her. What does it matter to you if she is exaggerating / faking? Be glad you are doing well.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

I'd get on with your own life and leave her to get on with hers.

[wormery]

Anything could be causing the pain, chronic pain is miserable and it's not always diagnosed with scans or xrays. Nerve pain is excruciating, you should read up on chronic pain, physical and psychological pain, the effects of stress on the body and stop being so 'curious'.

[Skydiving]

I know people like this who will just take days off seemingly at the drop of a hat.
However, I always think I don’t know what else is going on In their life and perhaps they are genuine.
If they aren’t, I just always think to myself the people who repeatedly ring in sick/get out of things in life just can’t cope or keep their shit together. So I don’t feel annoyed about that either.

[keyboardkate]

Gently asking why are you so concerned about your friend? Doesn't make sense to me why you are so invested in this person. It surely has no impact on you personally.

Let her at it, concentrate on your own exams.

I might be missing something, but honestly get over it and live your own life now. And pass your exams, best of luck!

[Touchmybum]

I really don't know why it matters to you?

[FinallyHere]

Another person coming on to encourage you to not give it any headspace. Live and enjoy your life.

For the record though, there is a vicious circle that operates. You feel pain, and in thinking about the part of you that hurts, you make that part tense up. You may hold yourself awkwardly to try and avoid the pain. Tense muscles are holding tension rather than being relaxed, so start to hurt and so you notice the pain in them. The pattern of holding tense muscles can become habitual, so it feels normal to you and so the pain of holding in that way can outlast the original reason for any usefulness.

Lots of therapies are about releasing these unhelpful patterns of movement, setting your body free to work the way it is supposed it, including alexander technique, yoga, pilates, rolfng, man6 massage therapies. It v v common that peoples posture or habitual patterns of holding their bodies cause discomfort.

[Storminateapot]

A good friend of mine is having awful trouble with her back right now. She had surgery last year but is incredibly stressed right now and it seems to have triggered off the pain again. She ended up in A&E one night last week with it (she's a doctor, she's not making it up) and was eventually sent home with painkillers. Two days later it had settled enough to be back at work.

Totally believable in my opinion.

[ChameleonsInCarsGettingCoffee]

what is actually causing the pain?

In the case of my scoliosis, nowadays it's stable and unlikely to get worse (unless injury or osteoporosis) so my pain is caused by overworked muscles spasming. The muscles are trying to support an abnormal back shape, and it's too much for them sometimes. Being tense makes the muscle spasms more likely to happen, as can cold draughts on my back but that's much easier to avoid!

[waterlily200]

I have a slipped disc most days you would never know. I have a special chair at work with lumbar support and I have trained myself over the years to walk/sit correctly without aggravating it. But, even so, all it takes is for me to sleep funny or not pick something up properly and it's agony. This can be resolved by a few painkillers or can take days/weeks of not being able to stand up straight to shake off.

Equally I know the sort of person you're talking about and understand your frustration but she's not worth your worry and ultimately she may be in pain.