DS not letting anyone else have food!

[keepthepeace]

Posting for traffic because I didn't get any replies on the Parenting board. Sorry. Need help!

At Easter stupid DP stole a piece of DS's (3.5 years) Easter egg as he was walking past. DS went ballistic. Fair enough, it was his egg. DP's reaction was "Well it's only a bit of chocolate and that's what dads do" angry meaning that is what nasty FIL did to him.

DP is paying for it now.

Ever since, if there is something on the table that DS particularly likes to eat - banana, any fruit really, crisps when he's allowed, cheese and crackers... he will not share! He wants all to himself.

We had a picnic outside today in the garden, there was a good choice of fruit. DS decided no one except him could have any bananas or apples. We had to come back in again in the end because we were disturbing the neighbours with the racket!

When I'm alone with DS, he often offers to share his food (I'm low carb so don't actually want it!) but if DP is around (DP is DS's father) it's a different story.

PLEASE does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this. I've tried communal plates, sharing games, making sure everyone has a choice and is equal... nothing is helping. He's fine when we have something like spaghetti for dinner and everyone has the same, it tends to be with snack type food that DS is possessive. DS is a kind sweet little boy, this is the worst behavior we have from him. He usually doesn't even eat what he doesn't want anyone else to eat. It may be a stage he would have gone through anyway (is it?) or it may have been triggered by stupid DP taking his treat.

[sentMai]

Your partner is neither stupid nor nasty.

Acting as though he is will poison your son's opinion,

[corythatwas]

Two different things conflated here. First of all, your dp needs to apologise and explain that he won't be nicking food again. That it was a silly thing to do. Maybe even give him a small piece of chocolate in restitution.

Then, as a separate measure, you need to explain to your ds that he only gets his share of communal food; that if there are 3 crackers, he gets one; if there is one banana and everybody wants some he gets a third of a banana. Explain that any shouting or other bad behaviour means he will have to leave the table. And be consistent. Not upset, not shouty, don't worry about what caused this, just explain calmly and stick to it. Be prepared to spend a few months, maybe even years, doing the broken record.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Well first, have DP respect DS' stuff. Yes, I know he's only 3 but we're teaching consent and boundaries from very small.

Second, what about some rules about sharing and owning. Food on the table or whatever is for sharing, say it as you put it out. If it's on your plate, it's yours. You only get to put a certain amount on your plate.

[Petalflowers]

How does he stop others from eating? Does he scream and shout if anyone touches the apple or banana? Or does he grab it all himself?

Maybe stop putting out communal food, and put portions directly on everyone plate.

Warn him that’s If he snatches food or creates, then carry out some consequences.

[BertrandRussell]

I think it's one of those things that's best breezily ignored.

[fuzzyduck33]

When you say he doesn't let you have it what does he do? Throw a tantrum? I'm wondering from the tone of the first part of the question whether you are focussing too much on what or who is to blame rather than seeing this as another little behaviour phase that they all go through and treating it accordingly? Just a thought, kids are quick to pick up on these things. So I'd say from now on drop the blame and focus on how you are going to react and provide a united front. Depending on the behaviour I'd say perhaps removing him from the food whilst others carry on eating and telling him he can come back in when he's calm enough to share. We found 3.5 a tough age but it does pass.

[MiniCooperLover]

I'd be surprised if a 3.5 year old is still holding grudges from Easter! And as for him not allowing anyone else to have bananas or apples that's a huge leap from one to the other. Yes your DP was daft but you are allowing a 3.5 year old to rule mealtimes! Why did everyone else's picnic end because he was naughty?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Your partner is neither stupid nor nasty.

Oh yes he is!

[Screaminginsideme]

Stop the snack food until he can share again.

Your DP didn’t Do anything that parents across the world don’t do, but he obviously broke some trust with his son.
If your Ds had ‘stolen’ a bit of food from dp or another adult/child there would have probably been consequences for him. Does your dp understand that?
It’s a hard one. Your DP needs to address his sons issues with him and his food.
You need to set boundaries the rest of the time. If it is important to you your ds shares food then treat it as you would any other behavioural sharing issue. Remove the item he won’t share.
Or just ignore it- don’t have shared food or communal food, dish up bowls etc for everyone and remove the sharing aspect for a while. Toddlers are stubborn but they will forget if the battle isn’t fought constantly.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

Your DP did a daft, but totally normal thing, he's not a bad guy.
Your DS is going through a phase, don't make it a big deal, just teach him to share and don't put up with any screaming refusal idiocy.
It'll pass.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Some good advice here OP. I really like what Cory has said about your DP making good. He did something that actually can have deeper ramifications if it's left unchecked and your son needs to feel secure in that his food will not be taken whilst at the same time, understanding that he doesn't get to have ALL of the food.

My father used to finish our dinners if we got up to go to the loo and it made everybody really greedy/eating more than they would have otherwise. A terrible cycle really and it took years to re-jig that pattern.

It's good that you/your DP are willing and able to act on it now, it will reduce the importance of it in your son's eyes and that's crucial.

[BarbarianMum]

Honestly, I'd just go ahead and share the food and ignore any fussing. It's very "don't be silly ds" behaviour.

My ds2 hated sharing his treats at that age but we insisted because he was always very keen on sharing other people's.

[sentMai]

@Anniegetyourgun

Shit. You can't argue with such a well reasoned and intelligently opined reply!

[Idontdowindows]

I would also like to know how a 3.5 year old manages to stop 2 adults from having the food.

Are you actually letting him do that? His behaviour should not have consequences for everyone, and as for his dad nicking a bit of his chocolate, that's not actually a capital offence and is something that silly dads do sometimes.

So you've now let your child punish you and your husband for a silly dad thing from weeks ago and letting him rule your food. Time to start parenting I think.

[GibbousMoon]

As above I would make sure there isn't food on the table for people to choose but give everyone their own helping.

The fact you mention FIL makes it sound like DP and possibly you have an issue over this stealing behaviour that DS has picked up on. Eg have you had a go at DP in the past over food behaviour or do things happen when FIL is around? it's surely most unlikely DS would have started this without some reason to prompt it (other than the one off wee bit of choc egg - unless it wasn't a wee bit).

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

he’s 3. You give him what he’s allowed and your DP can portion out his own food. I’m really struggling to understand what the problem is here. Little kids don’t want to share their stuff they want to give what they want to give.

[keepthepeace]

Thanks all

“Everybody” at the picnic was me, DP and DS, not hoards!

DS cries and shouts about the food he wont share, grabs it. It was too noisy today to be fair on the neighbours so we came in.

Have tried plating up all meals, he tries to take off DP’s plate. I caught DP telling to to “pinch daddy’s tomatoes” last week also. DP’s excuse was that he was trying to make DS eat something.

DS did get his crisps and fruit taken off him today and was told that he wouldn’t be getting them unless he was sharing, but I’m loathe to confiscate bananas and apples!

[keepthepeace]

Oh, meant to add that I did tell DP to give DS some of his chocolate and apologise, as soon as he had done it and DS was in tears. He did.

[BarbarianMum]

Don't take food off him. Just give him his portion and you have yours. Then ignore all tantrums. This type of "1 each" sharing might be easier for him than making him give you something as this is such a flashpoint right now.

It's a phase. It will pass.

[Idontdowindows]

Then you take the food away from him and you eat your own.

I'm sorry, but you're letting the child decide who gets to eat what and you need to put a stop to that.

If he grabs food off other people's plates you move him out of reach.

If he screams and shouts HE goes in time out and you continue as you were.

All this talk about stealing food needs to stop now.

You need to stop this behaviour pronto and you need to stop giving him control over other people's food.

[LittleBearPad]

What a lot of fuss over a bit of chocolate.

Sounds like it’s a phase. I’d ignore the shouts and tell him to share.

[keepthepeace]

"The fact you mention FIL makes it sound like DP and possibly you have an issue over this stealing behaviour that DS has picked up on. Eg have you had a go at DP in the past over food behaviour or do things happen when FIL is around? it's surely most unlikely DS would have started this without some reason to prompt it (other than the one off wee bit of choc egg - unless it wasn't a wee bit)."

FIL isn't around, we have no contact for various reasons. I knew him years ago though and he used to take all the GC's sweets etc. DP's "It's what dads do" comment made me remember this.

"I'm sorry, but you're letting the child decide who gets to eat what and you need to put a stop to that."

That's exactly what I told DP when he started negotiating with DS today. ("Choose which crisps daddy can have" etc )

[ZX81user]

when i read things ike this it just makes me want to despair! 2 adults allowing a 3 year old to dictate what the adults eat!When he started creating at the picnic , why didn't you just pick him up, take him inside put him down and tell him he may not join you until he can behave nicely.

[Smartiepants79]

Stop letting the 3 year old dictate what the rest of the family is doing. Be clear about what food belongs to him and stick to it. Grabbing food from other peoples plates is to be discouraged and all tantrumming to be ignored as best as you can.
I do feel you've made a very big deal out of a very small, silly mistake. I feel a bit sorry for your DP. It's far too late to start making a big about apologising, it happened weeks ago.
Your DP is neither stupid or nasty!!! he made a small error in judgement which he has apologised for and can be easily forgotten by all if you allow it to be.
If this is the worst parenting fail you ever experience then your son has got a good life.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

The whole of corythatwas 's 16:15 post.

Do that.

And stick to it!


[excuse me now, I'm off to write out a whole list of my family problems for cory to solve]