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To think this wasn't really necessary of the Ex Wife?

(69 Posts)
BasilFaulty Thu 19-Apr-18 10:48:18

I've NC'd for this and will try to keep it brief.
DP and I been together 3 years, his ex wife and he separated 4 years ago (NOT the other woman)

DP and his ex are going through the initial stages of divorce.(She wouldn't do it before two years separation)

I have stayed out of this as it's very much instigated by DP, he left her and it was not a 'bolt out the blue' by any means.

ExW and I have never really spoken, we have nothing really to do with each other.

Yesterday DP told me that he had messaged her asking if she had signed the initial divorce papers to which she replied;

' grin tell Basil I did it yesterday'

There was a bit more back and forth about it, (he did not pull her up on bringing my name into it in any way) and she then said:

'I can send Basil screenshots if she'd like? grin'

WTF???? I've never once messaged, spoke to, or even hinted at being involved in the divorce to her - why is she bringing my name into it??

The thing that hurts the most is DP didn't say anything in response.

It was just ignored, the messages just go from her saying these things to him asking practical questions about forms etc as if it never happened.

He said he was going to once the practical side of things was sorted and he'd spoken to me about it, but I can't help feeling the moment had passed.

I'm just hurt, not just that she bought me into it, but that DP didn't stand up for me.
I feel a bit used and alone. We had a discussion, which escalated into a row and now we're not really talking.

sad

AIBU that this was unnecessary of her and that it would have been good if my DP put her right in a calm, mature way?

Any constructive advice would be so welcome at this point.

DuchyDuke Thu 19-Apr-18 10:53:35

I’m guessing your DP has brought you into it not her.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 19-Apr-18 10:58:33

I don’t see why he would say anything in response tbh, they are getting divorced, she’s being daft and stupid is generally best ignored!

Who cares what she thinks? They are apart, they are getting divorced and in all honesty she does not matter

IamXXHearMeRoar Thu 19-Apr-18 10:58:36

Yeah you had a row with your partner not his ex, so the people rowing were you and him, nobody else.

Why blame someone you have never spoken with (instead of the common denominator)?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Thu 19-Apr-18 10:59:08

She obviously thinks (for whatever reason) that you are pulling his strings. Perhaps it is easier for her to accept if she’s tells herself he doesn’t actually want to divorce her and is only doing it because you have told him to.

FWIW your DP did the right thing by not even acknowledging her references to you. She is saying it make a dig and get a reaction. He wins by not giving her the reaction. She will soon realise that that tactic doesn’t work and will give up.

kitkatsky Thu 19-Apr-18 11:00:05

I think he's doing the right thing by ignoring it. If he responds it'll just descend into more argument and drama. Try to see it as him protecting you from being involved, not that he's not sticking up for you. At the end of the day you're the winner here- you have the man. I know it's hard but rise above it

SoapOnARoap Thu 19-Apr-18 11:00:18

She sounds very bitter.

Don’t give her the satisfaction of a reaction

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Thu 19-Apr-18 11:00:32

Btw why did your DP tell to you what she said?

FleeceDetective Thu 19-Apr-18 11:00:39

I think it would have added the fuel she wanted if he'd even acknowledged it, and letting it slide was obviously not playing into her hands.

She probably believes you are nagging for the divorce so he can remarry you. Do you actually care what she thinks though? I'd give it a shrug of the shoulders myself.

NotTheNineInchNails Thu 19-Apr-18 11:00:56

I think he's probably doing the right thing by not engaging with her on it tbh. If she's as difficult as she sounds she's probably trying to start an argument, either between the two of them, or the two of you, so by ignoring her references to you he's keeping you out of it.

My ex does similar and I have learned not to rise to it.

It IS unnecessary of her of course, but I don't think it needed to turn into an argument between you and your DP.

Huntinginthedark Thu 19-Apr-18 11:01:05

he did the right thing to ignore. and so should you

BasilFaulty Thu 19-Apr-18 11:01:28

Oh wow I had never thought of it like that. Now I feel bad.
Thank you

AlmostAJillSandwich Thu 19-Apr-18 11:01:29

Honestly, i think its probably for the best that he didn't pull her on it, as she was probably just out to cause drama.
As for the waiting 2 years thing, isn't that how long you have to wait if you don't want it to HAVE to state on the papers the reason for splitting/someone having to be "to blame"?
My cousin cheated on his now Ex wife and he point blank refused to sign papers or let her start proceedings as it would have to be put on them that he was the cheat who committed the irreconcileable behaviour. Something about being split for more than 2 years the paperwork can be done differently?

Does she think you're the one pushing for the divorce for some reason? Are you and DP hoping to get married and need him to be divorced first? Shes probably bitter about the fact she lost him and he clearly moved on by getting together with you. Or, she's just trying to casue probelms between the two of you, which shes achieved!

BertrandRussell Thu 19-Apr-18 11:01:48

What good would him saying anything do? If she's being difficult he should engage as little as possible-practicalities only.

Snowysky20009 Thu 19-Apr-18 11:02:06

I think he done the right thing by ignoring it- that would have annoyed her more.

BasilFaulty Thu 19-Apr-18 11:02:35

Reading that back reads a bit sarcastic and I didn't mean for it to!!
I hadn't thought that maybe it's best he doesn't respond to her about it.
She's a very difficult person.

Merryhobnobs Thu 19-Apr-18 11:02:49

I think its probably because if he had defended you she would have used that as an excuse to delve into a proper fight about it all. He's being calm and straight - thats far better.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 19-Apr-18 11:02:49

We had a discussion, which escalated into a row and now we're not really talking.

The sort of reaction his ex might have hoped for!
Don't let her into your head. Just keep on going.

whifflesqueak Thu 19-Apr-18 11:04:04

Maybe he was just ignoring her immature behaviour? Surely the whole process will be easier if they aren’t bitching at each other so practically it’s probably the best tactic.

IamXXHearMeRoar Thu 19-Apr-18 11:05:29

How do you know someone is a difficult person if you don't know them and haven't spoken to them btw? That comes across as a bit naive. Maybe better just to focus on your own relationship?

Hairyfairy01 Thu 19-Apr-18 11:07:26

Yep, hard as it is for him (and you) any digs trying to get a reaction are best ignored. I’m guessing he just wants her to sign all the paperwork so he can finalise things ASAP, no point in reacting to her taunts and then running the risk of her refusing to sign things. His lack of reaction will have annoyed her, he has the upper hand here. Don’t let her games cause arguments between the two of you, that is what she wants.

R2G Thu 19-Apr-18 11:08:39

YANBU to be annoyed by her. In my experience, although it seems like weakness at this moment in time, your husband is doing the right thing not 'biting' to her jibes. Let him get sorted and then he doesn't have to deal with it anymore.

Littlechocola Thu 19-Apr-18 11:10:50

I think he’s right to ignore it. Don’t give her what she wants.
Hold your head high, be the better person.

Huntinginthedark Thu 19-Apr-18 11:12:50

you rowed! clearly she got what she wanted! as others said! ignore ignore ignore. be zen and calm about it all!!!

BasilFaulty Thu 19-Apr-18 11:13:55

This has really shown me a different perspective.
I feel kind of guilty having a go at my DP now sad
I'll message him now. Thank you all.

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