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AIBU?

I need advice and aibu

74 replies

downandout2 · 19/03/2018 21:59

This may be long, I've name changed as I've spoken about some of this before, but just want unbiased views and I'm driving myself mad.

Quick rundown.

Met DH in 2008, fell pregnant 9 months into relationship. My little boy was born sleeping, when I was taken into hospital to have him, DH was using that time messaging another woman quite intimately rather than come to hospital. I did it all on my own, then arranged and attended his funeral alone.

Next had my son, DH left me in hospital once I'd had an emergency section, to go home and message this same person.

I didn't know at the time of these incidents that he was messaging this woman, this all came about when my DS was 1.

There has been a lot more things happened, being awful to me whilst drunk, letting his family be awful to me, turning his phone off and heading into strip clubs.

But this morning something else has come to light, my best and closest friend said she had something to tell me, she played me a recorded phone call, where DH stated he was at work, and he'd taken her number from my phone, then told her I'd said she fancied him. And he was laughing, the way he said it, it was like he wanted her to say she did fancy him. It was awful to listen too.

She didn't tell me until now, as she didn't want to hurt me, but once I opened up about how I was feeling about him, she decided to play the recording. Now all this happened 6 years ago.

But I feel this is the last straw, and if I'd have known what he did with the phone call, I'd never have carried on with the relationship. AIBU? Or am I being pathetic and should get over it?

My head is a mess, I don't have any family, it's just me and the kids, he comes home at the weekend, and he's awful to be around, I've just had enough now, but I can't throw it all Away for something silly can I? Or is that all in my head and it's not something silly?

I'm so sorry this is so jumbled, I'm crying as I'm writing this.

OP posts:

Report

UpstartCrow · 19/03/2018 22:03

You aren't happy with him. You say he's awful to be around, he's being a sex pest with your friends. You aren't the one who threw your relationship away.
As long as you are with him, this is your life. If you leave there's the chance you will meet someone decent.

HopefullyAnonymous · 19/03/2018 22:11

Your friend kept the recording for six years? Or have I misunderstood the timings?

Idontdowindows · 19/03/2018 22:12

but I can't throw it all Away for something silly can I

What, you can't throw away the heart ache, the cheating, the bad behaviour, being treated like shit?

Why would you want to keep that?

Fruitcorner123 · 19/03/2018 22:15

Its really not something silly. I am sorry of this is upsetting a d very sorry you lost your baby.

His wife gave birth to a still born child and he wasn't there for you or the baby. Did he even see his child?
He didn't stay with you in hospital after the birth of your child
Texting another woman at any time but particularly during the most important times of both your Iives.
Flirting with your best friend is never ok.

You should leave but no need to regret what's happened you have a lovely DS and time ahead of you to make a new relationship that works for you.

Moneyissue2 · 19/03/2018 22:16

Please please get out now.

downandout2 · 19/03/2018 22:21

@HopefullyAnonymous yes she kept the recording for 6 years, she had to record all phone calls as she was having problems with an abusive ex. And she kept them all on a disc.

OP posts:

downandout2 · 19/03/2018 22:22

@Fruitcorner123
No he never met our son, and he actually stood back and let his family say awful stuff about him.

OP posts:

downandout2 · 19/03/2018 22:23

I feel so conflicted, I just wanted a family, I've held on for so long In the hope he'd have a eureka moment and change. But he doesn't

I feel broken, he's destroyed me so many times, I just can't see a future anymore, but don't want to look back and think I threw it away for something silly.

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 19/03/2018 22:25

He's a vile arsehole who has allowed his family to abuse you and left you alone when you needed him most.

You're not throwing anything away. You're liberating yourself and your child from him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/03/2018 22:27

Your family is you and your children. He sounds awful. You deserve to be happy.

RedHelenB · 19/03/2018 22:27

You know what he's like. You've accepted it. Something else has come to light that happened 6 years ago. Why is that the trigger to leave?

puglife15 · 19/03/2018 22:28

I'm so sorry. He and his family sound fucking awful. How dare they say awful things to you.

You say "can't throw it all away" - but what would you be throwing away?? A nasty selfish waste of space man? A horrible relationship that makes you feel shit?

Throwing that away is a GOOD thing.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/03/2018 22:28

You are keeping him for silly reasons: hoping he will magic into having a completely.different personality.

Leaving him would be for very very good reasons. The reasons being: he is a cheating dickhead who treats you badly and you are deeply unhappy being in a relationship with him.

JamPasty · 19/03/2018 22:29

God he sounds AWFUL! Ditch him without a second thought! Nice men are supportive and trustworthy and basically the opposite of this man.

downandout2 · 19/03/2018 22:32

@RedHelenB that's just it, I don't know why this is such a trigger for me. He's done so much, but as soon as I heard that this morning, I just wanted to pack and go. It feels like the icing on the cake. That he could do that with my best friend.

OP posts:

JamPasty · 19/03/2018 22:35

Sometimes one thing just really highlights a situation and creates a eureka moment when you see things for what they really are. This is yours, and you've seen him for the bastard he is.

Fruitcorner123 · 19/03/2018 22:35

but don't want to look back and think I threw it away for something silly.

This is NOT something silly. His family saying nasty things about your still born child and him allowing them to would be more than enough reason on its own. You have so many reasons to leave but it's understandable that you fear it. Could your best friend help you?

Ohyesiam · 19/03/2018 22:37

Something silly? He is nasty to you, he’s not there when you are hurting, he comes on to your friends? Sounds well worth throwing away.
But you wouldn’t be throwing anything away, you’d be choosing happiness. If you can’t do it for you, let your child see you choose happiness.

downandout2 · 19/03/2018 22:39

@Fruitcorner123 unfortunately not, we now live quite a distance away.

OP posts:

cherish123 · 19/03/2018 22:42

You need to get out of the relationship. Make sure you prepare as much as you can financially.

RedHelenB · 19/03/2018 22:42

I think you have your answer. You will feel happier once you act on your decision. Good luck!

Jon66 · 19/03/2018 22:44

If you choose to end the relationship, that is down to his behaviour, which is unacceptable, not yours. Only you can know what you want to do, but it doesn't sound as though you are happy the way things are.

Were that my partner, I would change the locks, pack his bags and leave them outside when he next deigns to return to the property and arrange children visits through a third party. But that's me, not you. Whatever you choose, it might help to talk things through with a counsellor. Your GP should be able to provide you with info on how to find one.

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Frogthefrog · 19/03/2018 22:45

He stayed at home messaging another woman whilst you were giving birth to a stillborn baby and didn't go to the funeral??

LTB, I promise you'll never regret it.

downandout2 · 19/03/2018 22:46

@JamPasty I think that's it. I know he was messaging another woman, and I know she was the love of his life. But to go after my best friend. It makes me sick to think, what would have happened if she wasn't such a good friend, and went with him.

I'm so unhappy with him, it's even down to the little things, like birthdays. I want more than anything for him to be happy, and arrange nice things, he puts no effort into me.

We barely talk, and when I do try and talk about what's going on, he storms off.

I wish he wasn't like this, But I think I know he won't ever change.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 19/03/2018 22:46

but don't want to look back and think I threw it away for something silly.

Throw what away?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be glib because the pain you've endured must be indescribable. I can't imagine what it's like to go through all that. But I can't understand what you think you're throwing away. What would you be losing? A cheat who sexts another woman while you're in labour, abandons you to have an emergency section to deliver your baby who's born sleeping, and then leaves you to arrange and attend the funeral alone? And an abusive drunken sot and tail chaser to boot?

Throw what away? What on earth has this colossal piece of shit given you except pain, pain and more pain? If you had an axe in your thigh would you grieve it if someone took it out? How about a skip full of shit?

Throw what away?

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