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Am I being too secretive or should he trust me? Money.

(65 Posts)
KateGrey Sat 13-Jan-18 14:10:02

My dh and I have three kids. Two have autism. I’ve not worked in 6 years because of this. My youngest also only goes to school for two hours a day. My dh has a decent job. Previously all spare money including any DLA went into my dh’s savings account. I asked that it be split between both of our savings accounts but he never got round to it (very finance savvy but badly organised). So I diverted all DLA and my carers to my personal account and put into my savings account. I update our spreadsheet monthly. But my dh isn’t happy I don’t let him go through my accounts. I also have £2k my parents gave me. Our marriage isn’t on the rocks but I’m aware I’m financially vulnerable. If things did go wrong he’d still have a job whereas I’m financially dependent on him. Am I wrong not to let him go through my accounts? The money goes to the kids therapy. I don’t go out or spend on anything really. But I suppose I know if we did split he’d be quite difficult (when this comes up about my savings account he reminds me he put in the 13k deposit for our first house- he’d lived at home and I’d gone to uni. But my parents did pay two lots of legal fees amounting over house moves to about half). He’s not financially abusive but this seems to be an issue for him. I suppose it sounds like I’m being secretive but in my mind the money isn’t mine and financially I’m vulnerable. I don’t think we’ll split up but I know that marriages where there are children with disabilities can break up.

NewYearNewMe18 Sat 13-Jan-18 14:16:59

Previously all spare money including any DLA went into my dh’s savings account.
So I diverted all DLA and my carers to my personal account and put into my savings account

DLA is for the use of the recipient, not to squirrel away.

This thread will not go well.

But back to your original question, I don't understand people who are not financially transparent. Neither of you seem to trust each other.

Adviceplease360 Sat 13-Jan-18 14:17:06

Everything should be in joint names for transparency.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 13-Jan-18 14:17:16

Why aren’t you willing to let him see them? He’s not trying to take it off you or check what you’re spending money on from what you say. He just expects financial transparency.

If you did get divorced, which you mention a couple of times despite saying you don’t want to, it’s all assets of the marriage, no his and yours, and you'd both have to provide full statements for all of your accounts anyway.

It would be a big issue for me. I can’t see any reason for not being open and honest.

Allthewaves Sat 13-Jan-18 14:17:52

Why does he need to go through the accounts. We have all out bank statements in folders in the kitchen so we can see what's in each others accounts.

Goandplay Sat 13-Jan-18 14:25:40

Op uses money for children's therapy.

You tell him how much you have. What reason does he give for wanting 'proof'.

AthenaAshton Sat 13-Jan-18 14:29:29

Kate - I'm going to differ from the other posters thus far. I don't think there's any 'right' and 'wrong' answer as to how couples should manage their finances. However, I do know that having a child with a disability brings a whole raft of problems which can have a devastating effect on a marriage. And the parent who has been caring for the child(ren) is undoubtedly financially vulnerable, compared to the parent who has been out at work. It's also far more difficult for a parent who has been at home with a disabled child to just "go out and get a job" in the event of a separation (and if you are being given DLA, which I know from the experience with one of my brood is rigorously checked, then I know that full time work isn't an option for you, even if you wanted to do it).

FWIW, if it did ever come to a separation, the fact that your DH put more equity into the house than you did would be regarded as just as irrelevant as how much your parents put towards your legal fees. However, you would both have to provide a complete and detailed statement of all your assets and income, including DLA and whatever your parents have given you. The 2K would be regarded as part of your joint 'pot', just as his income/savings would.

Not sure that's desperately helpful, but I just wanted to give a slightly different view.

Bluntness100 Sat 13-Jan-18 14:29:52

This reads to me like you're squirrelling away money and trying to build up a nest egg in case of a split and uou don't want him to know how much you have. I think this is not a sign of a healthy marriage and I'd deal with that.

I have my own accounts, I have no issue with discussing what's in there with my husband, so the question is, why do you not wish him to know? What do you think will happen if he does?

Goandplay Sat 13-Jan-18 14:35:17

I hate being 'questioned' over money. I don't know why. My DH can have it if I have it and view versa but I don't want to answer questions about what I do and don't have. I pay what we've agreed is my responsibility and he does the same.
We have a saving plan, I keep my 'share' in my savings account. I will show him the balance if he wants to see if but the money is staying where I can get to it and only me, that's what DH has as well.

Goandplay Sat 13-Jan-18 14:36:43

If I didn't have money put aside I would feel vulnerable. It's an emotion that I'm not sure has logic behind it other than feeling stable.

Sirzy Sat 13-Jan-18 14:39:26

Do you have open access to his accounts?

I do find it strange when couples are secretive about money especially when everything is supposedly fine.

KateGrey Sat 13-Jan-18 14:45:39

The money is spent on therapy. If anything is left over I put in my savings pot as it was all getting swept into a savings account in his name. I’m not secretive it’s all on a spreadsheet I just feel odd that he would feel the need to trawl through the accounts.

I know if we divorced I’d have to declare which I’m fine with I suppose I worry if he ups and leaves he would be the one with access to money and until something was sorted I wouldn’t. Not that we’re planning a divorce but I’ve heard that a lot of the stress of raising children with disabilities takes its toll on a marriage which in a way it has done. I’m transparent with what’s in the account he just can’t access it as previously he moved money about and more often than not it went into a savings account in his name.

Maybe I read too much mumsnet but I suppose I see it as a way of protecting myself in the short term. I think if he saw what’s in the account he’d want more put into his name. My biggest issue I suppose is that he’s not financially vulnerable. If he chooses to leave he has a job. Chances are I won’t ever work again.

KateGrey Sat 13-Jan-18 14:46:23

Oh and I can see our joint account but not his personal account nor savings. I don’t feel the need to be honest as his wages go into our joint.

KateGrey Sat 13-Jan-18 14:47:19

@NewYearNewMe18 is it being used for the kids. If there’s anything left over. I put it into my savings account to help towards disability friendly holidays etc or for them as they get older. As I’ve said it’s not my money.

AnnaMagnani Sat 13-Jan-18 14:58:48

There's no right way to do family accounts but to me, for people with not a huge amount of income, you seem to have a lot of accounts. One of you may be finance savvy but lots of small amounts in different savings accounts is not making anyone a lot of money.

All your savings seem to be used on the children's therapy. It seems only fair that your DH should know how much this is costing.

However he also has a savings account - what is this used for? In your posting it seems very much 'his' money, while your savings account is DC's therapy/family holidays money.

This isn't fair and I'd want joint savings.

AthenaAshton Sat 13-Jan-18 15:17:15

I, too, wondered what Kate's DH's own savings account was for...

KateGrey Sat 13-Jan-18 15:34:49

His account tends to be for house stuff. But any extra we saw and don’t spend go into his isa. So we’ll use it for holidays. He found the best rate of interest was an isa but he’s the name on that isa. I think that’s what makes me uncomfortable that the main bulk of money sits in his name. I don’t know why. He’s not untrustworthy I suppose I think what if? A couple i would never have thought split up did a few years back and she did some shocking things we’d never have thought so I suppose I’m wary. Though I know he’d have to declare there’s nothing to stop him just going out and burning through it if we did split. For me it’s security. I’m more of a permissist I guess.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 13-Jan-18 15:49:23

It sounds like you’re actually pretty worried about the state of your marriage. The prospect of divorce and him screwing you over is coming up over and over.

That’s what’s causing you to worry.

How you arrange the finances between you is completely up to you, but both of you, not just you.

If you’re not worried he’s going to take the DCs money off you or criticise your spending then why worry that he knows what there is?

FluttershysCutieMarkTheHerald Sat 13-Jan-18 15:50:17

Does the money in your dh isa get spent out each year or do his savings continue to grow?

timeisnotaline Sat 13-Jan-18 15:55:55

It’s a not confusing , is it all transparent to him, available for him to see on a spreadsheet and printed out in the kitchen as you say at various points? If so, what is the issue? That he can’t actually move it around himself? That you won’t show him online? That you will show him joint but not your savings with 2k in them?
You don’t sound that confident about your marriage but I can understand that if he was happy to have all savings in his name if he isn’t just as happy to have them in your name then it’s not great. (There may be good reasons to only have an isa in one name - what if you asked if he opened one in your name and used that instead?)

RaindropsAndSparkles Sat 13-Jan-18 16:00:34

My bank account is entirely my business and none of my dh's. And vice versa.

BackforGood Sat 13-Jan-18 16:04:44

Sounds weird to me.
As far as I'm concerned, once there are dc, then you are a family, and all money should belong to the family. That's salary, benefits, savings and assets. Any personal savings, should be from equal amounts you give to both of you, as equal partners in the family ~ 'pocket money' if you like. All this 'my account' 'his account' which the other can't access doesn't sound very much like a family at all. This is even more highlighted as your work for many years isn't salaried, despite your contribution being vital.

KateGrey Sat 13-Jan-18 16:11:05

The remaining DLA and my carers go into an isa in my name. Not the money in his isa isn’t all spent and does continue to grow. I have said if he wants to be open he needs to split what’s in his isa between his and mine and that hasn’t happened.

I suppose I do worry a lot about our marriage @AnneLovesGilbert it isn’t in a bad state but not in a great state at the moment it’s more neutral. Probably on my part as I’m under a lot of pressure with the kids and that falls on me. I suppose I’m also aware he’s independent and I’m not. In part this is my security. Plus he used to be really annoying with money. He’d say it’s because he didn’t grow up with much he was quite tight. He’s not so much now and doesn’t complain but I’m aware he might not approve though he doesn’t directly say it. Like out of the DLA I paid for some private tests for my youngest that weren’t cheap and I know if it was down to him he wouldn’t. It’s hard to explain but things that are my priority aren’t his. Whereas he’d leave it and I wouldn’t. I’m not a huge spender but he’s a real bargain hunter. We see different value in different things and he’s more governed by cost than I. I’m more interested in what I’m getting. He’d never say don’t spend that on that but I’m aware it wouldn’t be his choice. A recent example is I would like a professional to do a document for us as it will hold more weight than if we do it ourselves. He isn’t inclined to pay. Having control and knowing I have the funds to do it without him gives me more flexibility.

Maybe in part it’s about our marriage. It’s not a bad marriage. But we do have differing views on some things plus I’m aware I suppose he was brought up by a single mother and made a lot of the decision for them even from a young age. I’m aware he’d probably like to have a bit more control than he does.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sat 13-Jan-18 16:12:05

What’s wrong with having several accounts? It is just a way on how to organise yourself.

I don’t think I can see anything Eleonor with putting money in your accounts as you are right, you are vulnerable. What happens if he has an accident and you cannot have access to money in the mean time?

I disagree wholeheartedly, however, with not wanting to show him the accounts. What are you hiding? If it your divorce fund that is perfectly ok, just don’t put it where he can find it.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sat 13-Jan-18 16:14:48

Anything Eleonor? WTF? the word was “wrong” This phone.. grin

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