To be cross with disorganized DH and IL

[Grumpants]

Firstly I have changed name so I can be honest without full exposure if anyone guesses who I am irl

So 10 days before Xmas having stated what days we have free over Xmas to have the dreaded in laws over for months. DH has just now asked me when we can have them arrrrrrr.

So the situation is I am front line nhs staff in a highly stressful job and I am working nights over the Xmas period. As in a couple of night pre Xmas finishing Xmas eve then I’m working Boxing Day and nye night. No I can’t host the day I’m working a night nor the day after. ( well not if anyone in the house wants to survive my sarcasm when exhausted and stressed ).
In laws don’t get this and think they can invite themselves when they want.
I have stated the facts again to DH and clearly what days to offer mil sil bill to come and visit. I have not seen him text this information to SIL!!! WIBU to kill DH if he surcums to them pushing for a day I’m working???? He is being quiet so I know they are putting pressure on! They have also done this directly to DH rather than the WhatsApp one I’m in. Interesting and telling?
For background no I don’t like them and mil has hardly seen our DC all year we are not close. They have history for this. The other year having had to endure them pre night shift over Xmas I ended up in tears at work due to having had a horrible day of them being nasty and no sleep. I am in a job where I really need to be on form.
Sorry had to vent. Enjoy your wine tonight x

[lovelyjubilly]

If you're doing shift work and need to sleep during the day, surely it would make more sense for DH to go round to theirs instead?

[Shoxfordian]

If they show up on a day that doesn't work for you, just go about your normal routine- sleep when you need to, do what you need to. If they ask why you're not being sociable then say its your work day (or whatever fits) and say they were offered days which would be better for you but chose not to come then

V annoying for you

Also as Mumsnet says, this is not a MIL problem, this is a DH problem. He needs to start being more assertive.

[mollyblack]

This isn't your problem. If he invites his family at a time that doesn't suit you then thats his call and he can arrange, host and cater. You're not available, you're sleeping etc.

Or tell him the days again now and tell him to sort it now so you can stop stressing about it.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

First, thanks for keeping the NHS running over Xmas. Having worked an essential job over Xmas a few times myself, nights, I feel your pain.

Second, no advice, it sounds bloody awful. I would probably vent my full spleen to them if they turned up, ruining relationships for ever. But that's nuclear, if effective.

[Grumpants]

I have suggested that sil about to move and mil flat not safe for children. I have also suggested they meet and have a nice pub meal halfway ( without me). No apparently they expect to come here. Seething

[CurlyBlueberry]

YANBU at all. AT ALL.

No, they can't come round pre- or post-night shift when you've told them the dates they CAN come well in advance!!

[Chaosofcalm]

Are there any days you can do between Christmas and new year? I know this is not your responsibility to sort but it will piss you off if you are not happy with the outcome so I would post what you can do on the family what’s app group.

[Butterymuffin]

Will they disturb your sleep if they come in between shifts? I was wondering whether it's actually better if they come when you're not there - obviously with you saying to your DH 'you're doing the shopping and the cooking for them'.

[fruitlovingmonkey]

Go round to theirs in the middle of the night when they have to work the next day. Demand a meal. See how they like it.

[fruitlovingmonkey]

And YANBU.

[ijustwannadance]

If you don't trust your DH has told them ask to see his messages or phone his mum on speaker so you are part of conversation

If they turn up on days you don't want them there do zero hosting/cooking/entertaining. That's DH problem.

[Tinselistacky]

Mrsa on your ward, they best keep away you would hate mil to catch it....
Or suggest to dh he plans the visit as you will be at work /in bed.

[Hulder]

YANBU.

My ILs were flabbergasted I had to work at Christmas the first year I was with DH (am also NHS) and I didn't have 2 weeks off.

To my shame I have used this and have been permanently 'working' every Christmas ever since when actually I do 1 in 4. sorry, not sorry

[Grumpants]

I have very clearly stated to DH the days between Xmas and nye they can come. He has not passed this info on. Why?? I don’t know. As it’s his family it’s his problem. No I will not be host no way will they be coming. If they do I will not be playing along!!!

[saladdays66]

You've got a Dh problem. :(

He'd obviously rather offend/upset you than his family. Why? Sounds like they have form for this.

[Grumpants]

Yep also use Work as an excuse! Notice I have Xmas day nicely off. That’s not a day being offered as i planned that months ago with my on hand helpful family.
Ok I’m the bad guy but hell no way am I having in laws on days I’m working nights. We have offered a fair alternative ( well I have just not sure DH has passed it on).

[abouttimeforanotherone]

Perhaps you could take the bull by the horns and invite them yourself? Then you can tell them exactly which days they can come.

[PopGoesTheWeaz]

Wouldnt it be perfect if they came while you were at work? Then you can avoid seeign them altogether, DH has to host (and learn what's involved and if it goes tits up then hes to blame?)

[Hulder]

DH problem.

It's unsurprising the ILs are asking - from their perspective, they usually visit at Christmas and haven't been given any info.

Your DH is just making it worse by putting his head in the sand. If he'd told them the dates ages ago this would have all blown over by now.

[Bambamber]

If you're on the group WhatsApp I would message something along the lines of

'Not sure whether or not DH has passed on what dates we're available over the Christmas period, so thought I'd let you know directly we're available between x and x. Any other dates and I'll be in bed sleeping so you'll be doing the cooking all while being quiet

Obviously in better worded and in better English than I can put it

[KimmySchmidt1]

Is DH shagging his mother and sister or shagging you? Who needs to choose whether he wants incest and if he doesn't then he needs to start being loyal to you, his wife and the person who has t sleep with him.

I hate these weirdo blokes who treat female family like a demanding French lover. And I think if you start positioning it to him like that he will suddenly find some balls.

[Sweetpea55]

Do you think they would let you sleep undisturbed,, would DH be able to entertain without your presence,?
You could always check into a hotel to ensure a good kip

[Butterymuffin]

Then it's totally on him, as you say. YANBU.

[Grumpants]

Aha he has at last sent sill the message. Now let’s await the debate!