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AIBU to hate Mum's attempts to micromanage our lives!

(53 Posts)
Emerald92 Tue 12-Dec-17 11:15:39

Morning everyone!

Let me start by saying I really like MIL, she's always nice to talk to when I see her etc. BUT she is a massive control freak! It drives me bonkers! She's in her mid forties with a 10yo DC of her own so why she feels the need to try and manage our lives, I don't know!

DP and I have been together for a while now and she's obviously not going to change but one day I'm going to bite back.

Classic example - Yesterday DP gets a message from MIL asking if were seeing family over the next few weeks and points out she's busy every weekend until after Christmas, fair enough. DP replies yeah we'll be travelling home to see everyone over the next couple of weekends.

She then goes on to say that we should invite DGMIL over to ours for a change. Maybe we can cook for her? Do a spread or little buffet? You could do it this weekend blah blah blah.

So she's basically just messaged yo try and arrange our weekend for us, who we should see and what we should be doing. When we see and what we do with DGMIL has nothing to do with her especially if she's not here to join in. Grrrr angry

I know it seems very petty and I should not get worked up about it. BUT nearly every time she messages us she has to try and dictate our lives confused

AIBU to be annoyed? I'm obviously not going to fall out with her over it or anything but I do feel pretty justified feeling few up of it!

Emerald92 Tue 12-Dec-17 11:25:11

Oops title should read MIL not mum's! blush

Emerald92 Tue 12-Dec-17 11:41:37


zzsplinterzz Tue 12-Dec-17 11:49:30

She has suggested your DH see his grandmother. Not really sure why this is considered 'micro managing' - it's a suggestion, presumabably as in your preceeding paragraph MIL says shes tied up every week until Christmas. It's a bit of shocker that someone should suggest another family member pick up the slack for an elderly family member in the absence of the usual person being available.

No one is dictating anything. She is discussing with her son how to stop grandma being alone. Is one afternoon really such a chore for you? perhaps you could go out and let them have some family time?

Anatidae Tue 12-Dec-17 11:51:59

It depends. Is it now expected that dh does this? Was it a suggestion or an instruction? What happens if dh says ‘nice idea but another weekend, we are busy the next few?’ Would dh even say that or jump to attention and obey?

If answers are yes, the latter, an order, hell breaks out and no, then you have an issue.

MsVestibule Tue 12-Dec-17 11:53:02

I think she’s more making suggestions, rather than dictating? I understand it’s irritating, but can’t your DP either ignore her or just message back saying ‘thanks for the suggestion, not sure what our plans for the weekend are yet, though’. If she’s only in her mid-40s, I presume he’s pretty young? I think she just hasn’t managed to fully cut those apron strings yet!

If she’s generally a nice woman, just try to manage her without it spoiling your relationship.

thecatsthecats Tue 12-Dec-17 11:53:38

I think I get it OP - the straw that breaks the camel's back is still, on its own, one straw, and doesn't seem like much. And she's not just suggesting he see her - she's dictating the sodding menu!

If she wanted her adult son to be capable of doing that, she should have started when he was, you know, her actual infant child.

My MIL does this sort of thing. Neglected to teach her sons how to do things, then expects me to take over her role. My fiance isn't fantastic, but I do give him credit for entirely rejecting her notion that 'man management' is now my job.

acquiescence Tue 12-Dec-17 11:54:11

Post is unclear. When sh says ‘shall we invite her to ours?’ Does she mean to she should invite dgmil to her house or you should invite her to your house? How far away do you live?

It doesn’t sound like too much of a big deal if she is just making suggestions but I’m unsure on the details.

Tinselistacky Tue 12-Dec-17 11:57:19

Suggest she texts your dh?

Emerald92 Tue 12-Dec-17 12:02:21

Sorry if it's not clear, DGMIL is not on her own she has a partner and is often very busy her self! We were planning on ringing DGMIL to arrange something soon. She's trying to get us to invite GMIL and do a spread confused. It just missed me off. We're very capablemof making our own plans thanks! She has to be involved in everything! If were going down to visit other family she tried to plan our day. Well you could go to a in the morning have lunch with b and then see me later. Erm no!

zzsplinterzz Tue 12-Dec-17 12:04:28

You are the DIL I hope I never have.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 12-Dec-17 12:06:02

You need to speak to your DH about this and make it clear that you really like his mum and so you're tackling this in advance so you don't fall out about her. She can say what she likes, your DH can discuss what he likes with her BUT you would appreciate it if he would shut down any 'helpful' suggestions on how you organise your joint time.

'Thanks Mum, we've got our plans sorted thanks' or similar.

You are right to nip this in the bud!

Blackteadrinker77 Tue 12-Dec-17 12:06:45

I'm not seeing a problem here. It just sounds like she wants to know if/when you are seeing DGMIL, and suggesting a time where she won't be around as a good time.
This is just what extended families do in my eyes.

Viviennemary Tue 12-Dec-17 12:12:30

I think if your mil does most of the visiting of the grandmother then it's fair enough she suggests you should invite her over to your house for a change. She isn't trying to arrange your whole weekend. She's suggesting one afternoon or evening when you could have the gm to visit.

OhChill Tue 12-Dec-17 12:15:14

I don’t know really... My mum used to make a point of contacting me to contact or go and visit her mum (my DGM). The suggesting a buffet thing is a bit strange.

monkey1978 Tue 12-Dec-17 12:17:33

I know what you mean, my mum is a bit like this. She gets annoyed sometimes if you don't do something the way she wants you to. It is so annoying as she is not even involved in the situation but tries to get it to work out the way she wants it!
How does she react if you say "no that doesn't work for us.."

barefoofdoctor Tue 12-Dec-17 12:18:00

Sorry to be thick but what is 'a spread?'

Increasinglymiddleaged Tue 12-Dec-17 12:19:41

It's a simple situation that she is treating you like children. Stop allowing it, you are adults with your own lives.

Increasinglymiddleaged Tue 12-Dec-17 12:20:18

A spread is food, probably a buffet

thecatsthecats Tue 12-Dec-17 12:20:29

Come on people, read between the lines! Or even, you know, what the OP is explicitly saying. These are just examples - her MIL has a habit of trying to organise them, and it's annoying her!

Actually, she doesn't sound like my own MIL, more like my aunt. Absolutely lovely woman, but obsessively controlling also. She tries to micromanage all other sibling's arrangements for visiting our other aunt, who has cerebral palsy. Where we go for lunch, what she does, who visits when. No, you can't visit that weekend, Aunt B is visiting, and she can't have two visitors at once (never mind that my parents have their own arrangements other weekends, and we all understand the Aunt's needs perfectly well!).

I stayed with her before catching a flight once. Never again. She spent almost the entire visit trying to persuade me to book a £50 taxi with her favoured firm because she didn't trust the trains.

HidingFromDD Tue 12-Dec-17 12:20:38

I agree this could be annoying, but is also sounds like you've not actually made any definitive plans around who you'll be seeing and when over christmas? My DD(s) are similar. They leave it until the last minute and then seem surprised that people have made other plans. It also means that people do end up 'holding' free time for them, when we all have busy lives.

I suspect that DGMIL has been asking your MIL about when she's going to see you, and MIL is making a (what she thinks) is a helpful suggestion. However, I can also see that this probably comes across as trying to organise your lives. I have a friend how likes to organise everything to the nth degree and it drives me mad as well!

MFR3 Tue 12-Dec-17 12:22:44

I understand you getting annoyed with your MIL for micro managing but I think your example is not one to get worked up over. To be fair there is only 2 weekends before Christmas and you GIL may already have plans, maybe it would be a good idea to arrange a time with GIL and not leave it to the last minute.

BiggapTwins Tue 12-Dec-17 12:23:01

I totally get it!! If MIL is so busy, you'd think that she'd be too busy to make suggestions, true? You and DP are adults and MIL really needs to butt out! It will get to the point when DP will tell his Mum "Back off!", either nicely or otherwise. Sit and stew for a bit. The opportunity to discuss it and how it makes you both feel will probably be brought up by her, when she realises her suggestions are falling on deaf ears and wonders why. Stay strong and silent for now. You sound like a considerate DIL too! I would have said something by now and all idea of having a happy MIL would have gone to the wind.

Hatsoffdear Tue 12-Dec-17 12:26:13

A spread is a buffet usually sandwiches and savouries. How funny you have never heard this expression you must be posh grin

Mmm op as a mil myself I think it’s fair enough for her to suggest plans but equally fair enough for you to say yes or no.

If she’s generally nice I think she’s just trying to sort things rather then controlling you.

None can control unless you let them.

Dancinggoat Tue 12-Dec-17 12:27:02

Controlling I would say is telling you what to do in everyday situations. What you should feed your child , what you should do to your house , how you spend your money.
It's hard to tell if she is controlling or you dislike her suggesting anything.
Sometimes if your worried that say a grandma is missing their grandchild it's understandable that you suggest clearly that a visit would be lovely. When your adult children are vague about arrangements that can cause you to push an idea or point.
May be it's a bit of both you not giving enough information and her worrying or being a little pushy.

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