WWYD - presents for each others' family

[JulietJuliet]

DP and I have been together a few years and this year we're going to spend a few days with each side of our families over Christmas. We don't live together and don't share finances. I earn more, but this year I lost my job, accrued debts, and then got a lower-paid job so I'm really struggling. He doesn't earn a lot but is a voracious saver and has a lot put by. I currently have about £250/month to pay for food, travel, etc (have been saving for Christmas for months though).

On my side, it's my single mother. On his it's his mum, dad, brother and SIL.

DP expects me to buy a present for each of his side, from a list. Each are about £30, so I'd be spending £120. My mother isn't so strict and he'll probably get her a bottle of £10 wine. I will get her more, probably spending about £100. I've budgeted all year to afford Christmas.

AIBU to think it's not fair that he expects me to spend more on his family than my own, and that he'll spend about 1/10th on my family compared to what he expects me to spend on his?

I've suggested we just get presents for our own families and say all gifts are joint, but he's not up for it (because it'd cost him more).

I don't want to look like a Scrooge by turning up empty-handed, but I really can't afford it without it seriously impacting on me next year. FWIW I'd happily not go to his family's, nice as they are, but it seems churlish to refuse when I would otherwise just be sat at home.

[thewisestoldelf]

Errrrr tell him to F OFF

[Tinselistacky]

Take a bottle and a Ponsietta!! He is a cf in the first degree expecting that.
I would take that as a warning /red flag and be wary about making plans to live together!!

[JulietJuliet]

I'm tempted, elf

Think the problem is when we got together I had a lot more money so could happily splash it. Now I just can't afford to.

[reetgood]

No, I think that’s unreasonable. Suggest you pool resources for gifts to each other families? Have a similar budget for each, and split it so you’re both spending the same.

Oth you are choosing to spend more on your mum... perhaps just work it out so you’re both spending the same and distribute across all the gifts.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

You don't live together and don't share finances. I think you should reduce the amount you spend on his family. Is there any way of buying off the list but spending less, or will you have to go completely off list?

If wine is acceptable for your mother, then a similar type of gift from you for his family members should be fine, or even a joint gift for each of the couples, so only 2 gifts.

[MrsJayy]

A list 30 quid bugger that for a laugh, i would tell him to jog on with his list and get what you can afford. Personally i would get joint gifts of wine/sweets or smelly sets

[2cats2many]

He needs to be more reasonable about what's affordable for you. Why do you need to buy these presents? We're talking about adults here, right? Can't a conversion happen where people agree just to exchange token gifts (£5) or nothing at all?

[elQuintoConyo]

DP expects me to buy a present for each of his side, from a list.

I don't want to call your DP a dick, but that is a dickish attitude. And he sounds like a pre-ghost Scrooge.

Buy them chocolates/wine/poinsettia or don't go.

[elelfrance]

he's being totally unreasonable !! I'm sure his family (if they are anyway normal) would be mortified if they thought you were stretching yourself financially just because HE says you have to ...
I would be seriously questioning how much of a support he is to you in your current situation

[DailyMailReadersAreThick]

DP expects me to buy a present for each of his side, from a list.

And he'll probably get your mum a £10 bottle of wine?

He sounds like an utter twat. I'd be cancelling the Christmas plans and spending them with my mum.

[MrsJayy]

Not joint smelly sets obviously

[wellhonestly]

How about you buy them a gift you can afford, just not one from the list? And tell him that's what you are going to do.

You shouldn't be pressurized into spending a specific amount on a gift.

[Floralnomad]

I think I’d be having a good look at the relationship to see where it’s heading , can you see this man ever sharing finances fairly when / if you move in together ? For the current problem I would just tell him you will be buying each of them a bottle of wine and that’s that , end of , if he doesn’t like it he knows what he can do .

[fuzzywuzzy]

For perspective, DP and I spend time at his parents and they host us.

Any gifts we buy are jointly bought for them. Sometimes I pick up things I see which I think they’d like and sometimes he does. Anyone left DP and I do a Christmas shop a week in December and DP pays for the gifts, we both choose tho.

We don’t have shared finances yet either. Both our names go on the gift cards.


Your DP sounds like a dick.

Tell him he needs to spend £120 on a gift for your mum.

I’d ditch him.

[Handsfull13]

I wouldn't be spending that much on them. Especially given he isn't going to spend that much for your one family member and expects you to do it three times over. I'd call him out on his shit, just buy a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates.
It is abit of a red flag moment that he knows what's going on in your life but still insists on your spending over your means just for his family.
The petty in me says give him an expensive list of things for you and your mums presents

[ijustwannadance]

Just say no. You can't afford it. Why should you buy individual gifts for his family?
A list with £30 gifts on? Cheeky fuckers.

[just5morepeas]

Just tell him you can't afford the list so it'll either have to be cheaper gifts, joint gifts or you don't go.

I'd also be worried about how he reacts to this and what it means for the future.

[Angrybird345]

New Years resolution - Ltb!

[JulietJuliet]

To everyone saying think about the future: I agree. The fact that he's willing to accept from me when I had money, and doesn't reciprocate much now I don't seriously puts me off ever living with him. FWIW my financial situation will be much better in a year or so and I'll have double his income again.

But this is a more immediate problem!

His parents will get me a joint gift, I expect his brother and SIL will too (obviously both couples live together and share finances).

[Nanasueathome]

So I’ll younceive 2x £60 gifts from his family?

[Nanasueathome]

Will you receive...that should say..sorry

[JulietJuliet]

No, I'll receive 2x £30 gifts from his family.

[WipsGlitter]

Buy what you can afford. I buy for my side DH does it for his side.

[honeylulu]

I've suggested we just get presents for our own families and say all gifts are joint, but he's not up for it (because it'd cost him more).

So why does his proposal overrule yours especially when this results in HIS family getting several expensive gifts?

When I met my H I used to buy separate gifts for his family the first couple of years. It was a pain though as they were quite wealthy and snobby so I couldn't get them anything basic. I'd end up spending more on them than I did on my own family. After the first years we decided I'd buy for my family and he'd buy from his, and all gifts would be joint.

As your partner's parents host Christmas it might be nice to bring an extra host gift (wine, flowers etc) but otherwise fine.

[JulietJuliet]

FWIW boyfriend's family are much better off than he is (and than I am now) so I think there's an element of him not being able to afford it but wanting to keep up appearances. He does have savings though. In the past I've spent just as much on his family as he has.