to think i wasnt 'having a go'(25 Posts)
Having some work done at home. There's been a few instances previously of people coming in, doing a job badly and then either refusing to come back and resolve it, or taking forever to do so.
The current tradesmen agreed a price for their work and a time scale.
Today my partner if I can call him that, we don't live together but it's a LTR, who's at my house to pay them and check it's all completed ok (my money, but i had to be at work) calls me and says oh, something's gone wrong/ they've got the wrong equipment, so they want to finish now (3 hours early), come back another time. They wanted paying most of the price agreed now, the balance and another £150-200 when they came back as their additional labour cost.
I obviously wasn't elated with this, and asked what the issue was and why they hadn't factored this in. We has agreed a price which they were now going beyond for something that was their error. Also what guarantee did I have they would come back. He'd not asked when they were planning to come back.
I said I wasn't happy to pay them anything. He says well what am I supposed to do? I asked him what he'd do...its not about him apparently. And I was having a go at him and speaking to him rudely.
I wasn't. I was annoyed and upset and asking perfectly reasonable questions. Given my past experience of poor work men, people disappearing half way on a job, which he well knows, i was trying to protect myself and my home.
In the end I spoke to the workmen. It is their error. They are charging me for extra materials but not time, and have agreed a day to return next week. It's not ideal but I felt I had to agree, and the amount is only £100 over.
I feel quite resentful though that my partner just views this as me berating him. We've had conversations recently where he's said I should ask for help more, however this is how it ends up, so I don't like to ask and struggle on myself except when I have no alternative.
I think you have to separate the two things really.
You were quite rightly annoyed and stressed at the workmen
Perhaps that's why you came across to him, as though you were having a go at him?
Either way, I would have asked him to put one of the workmen on the phone to me and taken it up with them.
I was willing to speak to them and did, which is how we resolved it.
I wasn't shouting at him. I was at work so have to keep my voice down. I am stressed and concerned by it all. He's previously said the reason stuff is done wrong by the tradesmen I've used is they're too cheap. Which isn't fair, I've not gone with the cheapest quote. I have been unlucky in that I've had a load of cowboys even from reputable web sites.
I did say sorry that he viewed me as having a go, and said I was just trying to establish what the issue was.
I honestly feel I can't win. He clearly didn't want to be at my house, or have to get involved. But I thought being in a relationship meant having each others back and supporting each other. I don't feel that supported right now.
It sounds like he could have been more understanding of your predicament so if you sounded stressed it wouldn't be a surprise, and its also a bit annoying that he wasn't willing to give it any brain space really. As you said, to think about what he would do and to back you up or offer an alternative. I think I would expect a bit more 'engagement' from a partner/ long term boyfriend. Sounds like he was a bit meh. Which I guess is his right, but really most people do expect more from a good friend or LTboyfriend.
And its a really rather crap that he felt he could/should blame you for the workmen when you got quotes etc. Its easy to stand back and criticise, but how hard does he try to be part of the solution.
I'd be miffed and having a good think about the whole thing and eat some nice
sorry, cross post (i'm slow at typing) yep, you should have each others basks. Sorry your having a crap time with workmen and your boyfriend/ partner. that really crap
TBF to your DP, i get pretty stressed having to deal with potentially awkward situations with tradespeople too.
The thing of asking for help is annoying too.. perhaps his real meaning is for you to give instructions and him to be merely passive, whereas you maybe want to him (not unreasonably) to see your problems as his problems and vice versa and to give a damn about the outcome because it affects you even if not him. That'll be the source of many an argument and breakup! Had those myself!!! Grr.
He wasn't saying he couldn't get involved through embarrassment though, it feels like he just didn't want to.
I feel like I can't ask for help. He's always telling me I should change job,my current one isn't ideal, and I'm unhappy there. The other week though i had an interview and he basically wouldn't help me prepare. I did appallingly. I don't know if prep would have helped me do better but I certainly couldn't have done much worse.
He dod help me with some DIY recently, which we part finished over several eves. I asked that weekend if we could work on it again, he said no as he'd done 3 nights (1-2 hours per night, me too) and needed a break.again making me feel I shouldn't have asked for his help.
Imo he should have accepted that you were stressed and annoyed and excused your tone on account of it. You probably did come across quite narky-I certainly would have in your shoes!- but rather than making it about him he could have tried to reassure you
You do sound as though you rely on him quite a bit to be fair
Is there anyone else you can ask, so it's not always him helping you?
OP I think you have some big red flags here. A partner should want you to succeed and really do what they can to help you. Here you have someone who gives you unsolicited criticism but then shrugs and leaves you to lick your wounds and fend for yourself. (Sounds like my Dad)
He is setting you up to fail - to ask and to be rejected. This is not nice behaviour at all. you will just end up feeling lower and lower. Take it from someone who has been there, do not give room in your life to someone like this. They will only drag you down when they should be lifting you up
That's not fair Worra he invited her to ask for his help more - why wouldn't you rely on help from a person who offers it? Especially a partner. He isn't supposed to offer then refuse. That's not nice.
I've done everything myself always. I don't have any family, and I'm not close to friends. So I've done everything on my own.
He is the one who said I need to ask for help. In fairness I don't think help on a DIY task which I was working on too for a max of 4 hours total, for interview prep and sitting at my house loosely supervising builders is asking that much. I cleaned most of his house when he moved recently, and did a lot of the packing/ unpacking, lifting and carrying. So I'd say we're at least even.
kink, yes he invited her to ask for his help more and he has helped her.
He's given up 3 evenings to help with her DIY and his time today to be there for the workmen.
I think it's fair that the OP (if she can) doesn't rely on one person for all the help she needs.
I agree she needs someone else to rely on. We don't all have that for one reason or another though, but its especially important if the people who do have are flaky or weird about it.
But I wonder which came first thought - him telling her to ask him for more help, or her asking him for more help? That's the clincher.
I don't have anyone else.
I can do it all myself. I've had to, I've never had the luxury of choice.
He offered generally to help. He offered to do the diy task with me, on nights he would have been at mine anyway, and for an hour or so of the 3-4 hours he would normally have been there. I helped, cooked dinner, cleared away mess.
I didn't always feel so unsupported. Emotionally I always felt he has my back until recently. Probably around the time I started asking for more help.
That's a real shame. Sometimes thought we find out that people just really don't mean what they say - they have another interpretation altogether. Maybe he is saying for appearances or who knows, but it looks like he actually he doesn't really want to give help
I don't get it tbh. Something definitely feels off. I was thinking the other day how he never hugs me, or kisses me of his own volition. As in if I hug or kiss him, he hugs/ kisses me back. But I can't remember the last time he did it first.
Do you make time to do fun/enjoyable things together as a couple? It sounds like an awful lot of "chores" and not much "nice" time. Moving house, DIY, builders, interview prep, it sounds like you've moved into the routine of a couple who've been living together years and lost the spark. It sounds all work and no play. Maybe that's why he's pulling back a little?
OP that does sound off. People are all different so its hard to say whats going on with him, but if you aren;t compatible, then you aren't compatible.
I read some wise words on here a couple of years ago that I wish I had heard before. "if someone shows and tells you who they are... LISTEN".
Very, very wise words.
It is really awkward dealing with crap tradespeople; we've fallen foul at least 3 times. On two occasions, this was directly because my "D"H was too scared to sort it out. First time we had a floor laid that had lumps in it you could see from the front door. He paid the nasty floor fitter. I was 9 months pregnant and then had to see it through a court case with a new baby.
Fast forward 7 years, we had a new boiler fitted, it was the wrong one and as a result hardly any water came out of the bath taps. Even more obvious you might think. I was out so I said to DH please sort this disaster; spurred on by my having taken people to court last time, he paid the arsehole plumber EVERY PENNY IN CASH ON THE SPOT. In his eyes, that meant it was sorted. DH then said it was alright as I could take him to court. 7 years later, that court proceeding having failed miserably (DH washed his hands of it - no pun intended! and left me to try to sort it out alone) we are now having to try to get a new bath and shower installed and that's going wrong too as a result of that boiler.
DH's strategic incompetence - the gift that keeps on giving
We do sometimes do stuff, go out for a meal or cinema etc. But I work full time, I have a lot of work to do in my house and eve and weekends are the only times I can do it really. Or arrange for others to. We've been together 4 years, we're in our 40s. I have enoughto do without trying to arrange fun stuff for us to do as well.
Staples that sounds horrendous. Dealing with crappy tradesmen is awful. I wish that more people took pride in their work rather than just getting the job (half) done quickly and then moving on to the next.
It sounds like there's other issues, but as far as the workmen go he did help you. He was there to pay them and check on the work as you wanted, he just didn't want to involve himself in changing your arrangement with them. Which is fair enough imo.
I find it incredibly awkward dealing with tradespeople when it's not my house or my money. I always know exactly what I would do about problems if it were my house and cash, but making those kind of decisions for someone else when you don't even live there...it's not fun. Even just weighing in with advice can go really badly when people are stressed.
I think it's fair enough that he didn't want to be involved in sorting out changes to payment etc. It's not his money to negotiate with, and if you could talk to him you could talk to the workmen. Why would he try and guess what you'd want to do when you could just tell the workmen directly?
What I didn't want him to do was start moaning at me that I was having a go at him because I expressed concern that I was being overcharged.
If he felt it was beyond him he shouldn't have discussed it in any way and told them straight out to call me. In the end I sorted it out because I had to. That said it is fucking exhausting having to be responsible for everything all the time. I don't feel I can hand anything over ever. Work is the same. Everything is my sole responsibility.
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