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School Mum has asked her child to not play with mine?

(65 Posts)
poopsqueak Tue 31-Oct-17 14:14:40

My DD has come home from school a bit upset.

She says one of her very close friends has been told by her mother not to play with my child.

My daughter asked me to go speak with the teacher today and I said I thought it was maybe better if she dealt with the issue between her and her friend. I then saw my daughter go over to this girl in the playground before school started and this girl looked at her Mum (for permission I guess) before interacting with my daughter and the Mum shook her head and walked away. it was really sad tbh and I felt really crap for my DD.

AFAIK they have not fallen out, had any physical altercation, or had words of any sort. I asked my DD why she thought this had happened and she says she doesn't know.

I can think of two things that have happened the past school year (since Sept).

Incident one was that the other girl took something off her sister who is a year younger. She then lost it and tried to share the blame with some of the other girls who were with her (my daughter included) 'we were all playing with X's thing, so we all lost it' etc. I didnt think much at the time but perhaps shes went home and told her Mum that my daughter lost it instead?

The second thing is that there was a sports competition at school. My daughter has a non branded cardigan and this other girl has a one with a logo on. The teacher asked them to swap as my daughter was competing and so all the children from her school would have school logo cardis on. The other girl agreed initially and my daughter went to the competition, but then the other girl didnt want to wear my daughters cardigan at lunch and so was cold. I completely agree this was a stupid thing of the school to do (to swap their cardigans without asking the parents). The next day the mother came up to me and asked my why my daughter had taken her daughters cardigan. My daughter explained to her that the teacher had asked them to do it (and her daughter backed up the story) but the mother hasnt spoken to me since :-/

If I'm honest i have noticed that she doesn't stand with me in the playground anymore and hasn't for a while... but I have little to no interaction with her outside of school so I cant have done anything.

For the minute I have asked her to try to find someone else to play with over lunch and break, but her and this girl have quite a number of common lunch time and after school clubs so it will be difficult.

What should I do?

DelilahDarcey Tue 31-Oct-17 14:17:52

I'd approach the mum or phone her and ask her if you/your daughter have done something to offend her and say how upset your daughter is at her telling her daughter not to play with her. It's probably best to try to clear the air.

And of course keep encouraging your DD to play with other children as it sounds as though that mum is one of those mums and no doubt her daughter will follow her example.

RunningOutOfCharge Tue 31-Oct-17 14:18:17

I’d do nothing

This will happen lots during school to one degree or another

Life’s too short to spend time fretting over it!

Hillarious Tue 31-Oct-17 14:21:13

I had a similar experience with a mum and school and to be honest I was amazed that grown woman could be so childish. I'd told my DS, on an occasion when he'd been told off yet again by a teacher whilst up to no good with one of his friends, not to play with him any more if he couldn't behave whilst he was with him. There's no knowing how these messages get passed back by children, but this resulted in the other mum blanking me for about five years. By the time she came round to wanting to talk to me, ie when she didn't know anyone else at the football matches our DSs were playing in, I was happy to blank her back. I did put it down to her childishness and ignored the behaviour, but it did rather mar my last few years of being in the primary school playground as she muster all DS's friends mums around her.

In your case, I'd tell my DD to try to find other children to play with, if her friend is so, so under her mother's thumb.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 31-Oct-17 14:24:34

Well best of British luck to her on stopping 2 kids Playing together.

CorbynsBumFlannel Tue 31-Oct-17 14:26:54

Clearly something has gone on that you're not aware of. I'd just encourage your child to play with other children. You can't make the girl play with her.

doobeydoo Tue 31-Oct-17 14:29:12

I told my ds to stop playing with another child once as the other child had told my ds he (ds) wasn't allowed play with anyone else and punched him when he tried to, and in general was pretty nasty/mini-psycho. It did make life difficult and I do sort of regret it but my ds was being told all kinds of crazy sh*t by the other kid.
Is your DD very possessive over the other girl? Could that be it?

TheMerryWidow1 Tue 31-Oct-17 14:29:43

speak to the mother?

doobeydoo Tue 31-Oct-17 14:29:57

And yes, just get your dd to play with others. Or phone the mum - actually yes, just phone the mum. How old are the kids?

DontKnowWhatToDo123 Tue 31-Oct-17 14:30:21

Speak to the teacher but I personally wouldn't approach the other parent, it could make whatever it is worse.

To be fair I have told my dd not to play with another child.... why....cos my dd was coming home upset most days about something the other child had done.

although they would play together everyday in a group, this one child was bossy, told my dd she couldnt like pink (her fave colour) and she had to like blue, told her she wore boys clothes as she had her brothers old pe kit (even if I had bought new she would have the exact same kit as its unisex), my dd got told off by teacher for hitting the other child...other child had hit her first but didnt get told off, other child locked my dd in a storeroom, never let my dd be who she wanted to be in games (dd always had to be the sister and never got to be mum or baby) so in the end I told her not to play with her...

I doubt the school would have told the other parent most of what had gone on as most was "small" things which probably seemed of no significance....but to my dd they upset her, but she still wanted to play with her...it was difficult but at the end of the day my child was coming home upset and the only way to stop it was to stop them playing together.

purplecollar Tue 31-Oct-17 14:34:22

I agree with Aww and Hillarious. Dd had a friend with a dm a bit like this - it came down to her being a snob and wanting her dc to mix with those she deemed "the right sort". We battled through with her constantly declining invitations to ours (yet expecting dd to go to her parties as her dd would be sooo upset if she doesn't come).

I was so glad they were put in different classes at secondary school.

It's probably a blessing in the long-term. If you can encourage your dd to be friends with others, you won't have to put up with this woman for the next 5 years.

QueenLetizia Tue 31-Oct-17 14:36:14

I agree. Do. Nothing.

If the girls are at school together and if they genuinely want to be friends they'll drift back to each other but if they are inadvertently conflicted knowing that each other's mums are now pitted against each other in Cardigangate then that might complicate things.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 31-Oct-17 14:37:41

Why did you not approach the mum when you saw it! I would have done that. Yes I agree with others, encourage your dd with other friendships, I feel sorry for the girl. How old is your dd?

PurpleMinionMummy Tue 31-Oct-17 14:40:43

Encourage your dd to make other friends. Let the mother get on with it.

Discotits Tue 31-Oct-17 14:41:51

I wouldn’t do anything either, the Mother sounds petty, especially after the cardigan thing which the teacher explained. I certainly wouldn’t be going over to her.

mustbemad17 Tue 31-Oct-17 14:44:56

I'd speak to the mother. I personally would want to know why he all of a sudden wasn't allowed to interact wirh my child, moreso because if my child had done something I'd need to deal with it.
Mothers in playgrounds can be so childish, we used to refer to some as the playground mafia! Why they think they are above everyone else is beyond me. Definitely encourage your child to play elsewhere with other kids, but i'm far too nosey not to approach the mother too!

Bluntness100 Tue 31-Oct-17 14:47:58

Just speak to the other mum. You’re both grown ups. Why feel crap for your kid but watch and do nothing.

Just say hi, what’s going on with the kids. Mine says yours isn’t allowed to play together, happy to enforce the rule if you wish but not sure what’s the context.

Smile nicely, be polite, not accusatory, but deal with it.

dottypotter Tue 31-Oct-17 14:49:43

definitely don't talk to the mum about it it will just give her the satisfaction of knowing you were bothered, then you will have to think of a reply to whatever she says and it probably wont be mended could get even more awkward. Just play with other children there are loads of them about.

scatterbrainedstarfish Tue 31-Oct-17 14:50:06

It sounds as if your DD’s friend has been going home and telling her mum a different story as the 2 examples you’ve given don’t seem like anything for her to get miffed about?
It’s a shame for your DD and heartbreaking for you to watch her get upset.
If I was in your scenario I’d encourage my DD to find someone else to play with and if it still was an issue talk with the class teacher. I wouldn’t mention the back story but just ask the teacher to keep an eye on your DD at playtime to see if there’s anything they can see/notice that is upsetting your DD.
If there is squabbling the teacher should be able to quash it.

Mamabear4180 Tue 31-Oct-17 14:50:45

What Bluntness said is perfect

Sunnyshores Tue 31-Oct-17 14:52:42

Im sorry but this sort of nonsense is going to happen repeatedly, some of it will perhaps has basis, most of it will not - you cant be speaking to other mothers and asking for x or y to be explained, it will never end well and youll stress youself out.

Encourage your DD to have lots of friends, invite others over if you can.

lifetothefull Tue 31-Oct-17 14:57:25

I would have a word with the teacher to explain the situation and maybe get some insight as to if there are any problems you are unaware of. But let dd know that as far as you are concerned they can play together if they both want to .

poopsqueak Tue 31-Oct-17 14:57:30

Aeroflotgirl I didnt go over because I couldn't verify the situation and I didnt want to make it even more difficult or awkward for the girls.

I will just leave it and monitor the situation via my DD. If anything else happens I will raise with the teacher. I sense it's best not to involve the other Mother as things could escalate.

Shes 6, as is the other girl. She has never really fallen out with anyone before and is absolutely not violent/mean so I know she wont have done anything too bad. The other girl is dreadfully sensitive though (has trouble leaving her mum in the morning, cries a lot, gets upset at parties etc) and perhaps my daughter has said something to upset her?

As a lot of you say - good luck to her trying to keep her daughter away from mine. I know good friends will always drift back together despite fallings out. I just find people like this so baffling. I would only ever tell my child not to interact with another if something very serious had happened. I understand not everyone is like that though.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 31-Oct-17 15:00:18

Oh ok, if it does continue, I would see the teacher about it, just encourage other friendships for your dd.

JustHope Tue 31-Oct-17 15:02:12

How old are they? Sometimes younger kids have a tendency to exaggerate things and tell all sorts of tall tales about friends being mean to them at school, especially if they are getting a big reaction. It is amazing how two kids versions of the same event can differ. Is it possible that the other girl has said things about your DD that with cardigangate has been exaggerated into her being bad news.

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